I sometimes receive notes or little inspirational things from people. A few people have sent me things that they think might help me. I always appreciate the effort and the thought but sometimes I feel that maybe they are trying to make themselves feel better..and that is fine too. Most stuff is harmless and some is weird..at least to me. Once, when Jed relapsed the first time, I received a "religious" book about how the "son died because the parent sinned"...that was NOT helpful. It was stupid and thoughtless and an example of someone sending something to make themselves feel better and to further their agenda. I was a bit off put but, whatever...I did what I always try to do....laugh. Soo today I received a very nice letter and a little "religious" book in the mail. I know the thought behind this was genuine and I do appreciate it. In this book is a marked passage that basically says don't worry about your child if they die, when you die you do not think or feel, dead people cannot do that because it is all connected to the brain and if your brain is dead so are you. Pretty much, when your dead your dead and at some point they all will be resurrected here on earth, not in heaven visiting angels or anything. Um, ok. those of you that know me know that is NOT what I believe. As I'm reading all this I am thinking about all the quarters Jed has sent me, messages through others and to others and of course the red pump message from Renee. I SOOO know better! Anyway...ok now this story happens in the bathroom...just so you know. I went in to pee...yes I pee...and I looked at the clock. I was a bit disappointed because I missed the double and triple digits I am always seeing. Then I thought of the fact that I asked Jed for a quarter the other day and hadn't gotten one yet, I am not patient. In front of me is the shelf which has 3 rolls of toilet paper sitting on it. Toilet paper only gets put on the holder about once a year in this house. So I reach out and grab one, with no conscious thought as to which one I wanted, I grabbed the little one sitting in a basket. I picked it up at the exact moment I was thinking about asking Jed for a quarter. Under the roll....there was a quarter. I emptied that basket to see if someone threw their change in there but the only money was this ONE quarter!!! I had to just start laughing out loud and I could hear Jed saying "yup, when your dead your dead". Thanks Jed. I needed something to think about besides the devastating decision I had to make 1 year ago today. And to the very nice person that put so much effort into sending me the information, I do appreciate the thought behind it...really. The fact that your daughter is named Tiersa, my sister-in-law's name, is to me, just another way that my son sends little signs and messages to me! Thank you, even though the message was not as you intended...it was the message I needed. Jed, the lengths you go to amaze me!

Thank you Jed...as always you make sure that everyone is as ok as they can be. I know that message was not just for me.....I know it was for everyone...You are here, always. Mommy Loves you more than life.....
Love J & K

"When you are born, you cry and the world rejoices. When you die, you rejoice and the world cries."
Tibetan Buddhist saying

Please...just come home...I have had enough....
Mommy Loves you
Love J & k

Hey, Christmas is over....hope everyone had a nice...or at least tolerable holiday. I have to say I am glad it's behind us.
Christmas eve Danny and I went to Nana & Pappaw's with Savannah. It was nice of them to invite us. It was wonderful to see everyone and hang out for a bit. Savannah then went with the Cope's to a family gathering. They were kind enough to invite Danny and I also but we opted to hang out here and pretend it was just a regular evening. I tried very hard, all weekend to not compare this year to years past. Comparing it to last year is intolerable. I remember thinking that it would be the worst Christmas we would ever have....and in the back of my mind I was terrified it would be my last Christmas with my son. I guess my mind knew more than I would let myself believe. Last year was beautiful because I was with my Jed...but it was hell because he was so sick.
Anyway yesterday we had Christmas breakfast at Mom & Dad's. Savannah opened her gifts from "Santa" over there. No gifts were opened here.

Santa shopped at Coach.

After breakfast Danny and I went to the movies. We saw True Grit...loved it. Then Savannah met us there

and we saw The Little Fockers, eh..it was ok....after that we saw The Fighter..great movie! So we spent most of Christmas day at the movies...I think it might become a "thing". Better than sitting here being miserable.
We were back at my parent's today for lunch and presents. Today was the hardest day. Not having Jed was so wrong on so many levels. It was torture but I would not have been anywhere else....ok maybe St. Croix :)

The begining of Jed's love of the Scooter....


We got a Jed approved gift for The Mac......Savannah had to "test" it though...


Livi-Mac and Danny.....
Come on DANNY.... I want to play the piano on your phone....Helloooo...look at me!!


It is very hard to not let all the memories of last year take over. Those moments just shred me...they are so bittersweet....
My Love....





Jeddie, saying I am missing you is kind of understating the obvious. I know your with us....but my heart is breaking...over and over. Give all the other kiddies up there with you hugs and kisses....especially our "J's".
Jenn, Jackson, Jaz and of course you my love....Jeddie Spaghetti. Mommy loves you...
Love J & K
I need a quarter..... :)

Merry Christmas to everyone. Thank you all for the continued love and support, Without all of you I don't know how we would have made it this far.
Christmas 2000....age 3


There is not much I can write that you all have not read here before. Our lives, mainly my feelings about our life have been written here in great, repeating detail so I won't go into it all again. Just know that we are grateful for the
12 years, 3 months & almost 5 days that we were gifted with Jed's beautiful soul. No one, not one person in the world is luckier than me. I was the one Jed picked to be his mother...there is no higher honor. Jed has given us many gifts the most important of which are the people in our lives. I think he knew his physical absence would leave such a large hole that many wonderful people would be needed to help us from falling in that hole. So far....we are not in the hole. Many many days I am on the edge but so far, thanks to Jed's love, Savannah's strength and the support of all of you, we have not fallen. Thank you.

Christmas 2007...


Christmas 2009.....Legos :)


Always...Forever and Always....a Rock Star....2001



My Jed, I have no words to describe how I feel. I am missing my sweet funny friend. This is not what I thought we would be doing this Christmas...I never imagined....I really never thought I would be separated from you. I ache to hold your hand just one more time but I am so very happy for you. I am so grateful you are not suffering and fighting. I don't want to miss one minute here with Savannah but I cannot wait to be with you again. Every day down is a day closer to being with you again. Mommy Loves You and is desperately missing you.
Love J & K

Yesterday my little brother turned the big 40!!! Happy Birthday...here's a blast from the past...2001 turning 31...with Eric and Jed (love the high waisted jeans)


Last year Jed and I were in the hospital for Adam's birthday. I remember telling Jed, "today is my little brother's birthday". He said, "ha ha Adam is not your little brother, he's older than you". OH just another reason to love that child!

Another picture from the same day...

See how he is sitting? He ALWAYS sat that way and my grandfather that he was named after and never met ALWAYS sat the same way....funny.

Missing you baby love..so so much
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Christmas 2007 Jed and Dakota......


Jed and DJ....2007



Savannah and I went to the hospital today. It was great to see everyone. I miss them. I hate when we leave and I have to face the fact that Jed is gone.
I don't have much to say.....because everything just sucks. I never understood the "holiday depression" thing..ha boy do I now. ugh.
Even my 4.0 GPA and all A's in my classes don't seem to matter. I just want Jed.
Mommy Loves you baby Jed
Love J & K

Christmas 2008...a wisk...whoohoo


and a pastry cutter!!!

Have you ever seen a 10 yr old so happy to get baking tools?

I was sitting here thinking about how miserable I am and I have nothing to write. Everyday I wake up and it's harder. I am panicking thinking that the 1 yr mark is coming up. It just makes my heartbeat so fast and I feel sick. I try not to think about it but it's all around. Anyway, as I am sitting here, miserable, sad and wondering how long I have to live like this, I hear someone on TV singing one of Jed's favorite songs....We are the Champions..he used to walk around and sing that, making his singing face...he is so cool. I got the message Jed. I know you won, I definitely know you are the Champion....I am miserable for me. Those last few weeks are again, playing over and over in my head...every single moment..ALL of them.
I read all this stuff about how you have to choose to be happy and choose to live your life happy......honestly.... I just can't. I really just cannot. I know that is what Jed wants, telling me that does not help, it just makes me feel guilty on top of everything else I feel. UGH...I am soooo tired of being without Jed. I am different now and I don't like the cronicly sad, depressed and slightly confused, (more than normal), person I am now.

So on another note...Savannah and I took Livi-Mac to the mall today. I swear it is like Savannah turned 2 again (but with better verbal skills). Livi-Mac talks like an adult. If you can believe it, Savannah did not really talk until she was almost 4.... I know that is difficult to comprehend! She had a made up sign language and words of her own. Back to Livi-Mac...she is SOOOO much like Savannah, constantly testing just to see how far she can go. I had forgotten how much work Savannah was. It was continuous. We had a good time together but everything she did was a test to see how far she could push me. I remember having a staring contest with her when she was almost 3. I told her, "you will never win, I am more stubborn, you cannot beat me." People sometimes told me I was too hard on her but I knew, that if I gave her an inch, she would take over the house! I'd like to think all that hard work has contributed a bit to the incredibly capable person she is now. Being with Livi-Mac today and Savannah at the same time was kind of weird. It's also difficult to decide how to handle her because she is not mine. She is not used to me and I am not used to her so it was a battle of wits with a wariness on both sides! My favorite Livi-Mac line of the day....me, "what did you ask Santa for?" Livi, "I asked Santa for a dinosaur egg". Me, "oh, ok and what else"? Liv, "a rocket ship". A dinosaur egg and a rocket ship. Hmmm. I later found out that the egg must be blue so the baby dinosaur will be blue. Awesome. Those were definite Savannah like things. The one way she is different than Savannah is that she will be quiet and look out the window....Savannah never, ever stopped making noise..ever... even fake words!!! Livi is also much more physical...she is rough. All in all we had a good time. We made a hand print concrete thing from Livi to Mommo and Hop, we watched some sponge bob and chilled out after our lunch at Issac's (where she bit my finger while I was holding her pickle) and a mall trip. She must have had an ok time with us because she tried to block the door when we left her with Mommo. She did not see the humor in us slipping out the front door! Not much "slipping" though as she was hanging on my leg! It would have been so much better with Jeddie along. But I'm sure he was there laughing at the battle of the wits!
Oh Jed, Livi-Mac was NOT a happy camper when she found out that when I said 1 ride on the round and round thing I actually meant 1 ride. Whooo, that didn't go over well. I really had to laugh at that. When Savannah was that age if you said 1 ride you HAD to stick with it because if you gave in once you were finished. She had you. So she knew it was 1 ride and that's it. With you my Jeddie, you were so easy going ....and also the 2nd child... that we rode all the rides and sat in all the seats on all the rides! Not that you didn't have your moments of aggravation but it was short lived and then you were back to your sunny self. Oh Jed. I am missing you..and there are no words to explain how much. Nothing can compare.
We are going to the hospital tomorrow. Clinic and the 7th floor. You have given us many great friends up there. Mommy Loves You Jeddie Spaghetti.
Love J & K
Oh and Jed I saw Roger from work the other day...remember the thank you card you made him....I think it had a dead bear on it because he hunts....you did do that right??

Oh my..how cute are they?


If only I could go back....just for a bit.
Missing you sweet potato. I had such hope last year at this time. Now I just feel hollow. Mommy Loves You.........
Love J & K

The door to the Bat Cave;


Mommy Loves you Jeddie
Love J & K

One year ago....there is so much I could say...but you have heard it all.....and none of it is uplifting or pleasant...so I won't torture you all with my completely depressing view of the world. I just sat here reading the posts from last year at this time. I have no words except to say I am glad I had no real clue how horrible this would be. What happened? Where did we go wrong? What could we have done differently? Oh my god...oh god...how can this be real? I feel so overly dramatic and drama is not my thing. Honestly though, I know I moan and do the whole pity party thing but if I could actually write the words to describe how I feel...if you could really feel how completely devastated I am you would see that as dramatic as I sound sometimes those words are not even close to the depth of my feelings. I try to pretend but my fake smiley shell is pretty thin these days. I want to squeeze his little face, see his funny smile when he is pretending to be asleep but just can't control the smile, I want to hear him giggle and sing and talk to the tv. All the things that happen in your houses that you take for granted (I did too) take a closer look, pay more attention, enjoy all the little things.
The ONLY bright spot in ANY of this is that you are not sick anymore Jeddie. The fact that you are healthy and happy and not scared or suffering anymore is the most important thing. I am glad I am the one here suffering and not you. As horrible as this all is, I would not change it. You deserve so much better than what you had here and now I think you have it all. I feel you, when I get to the point that I think there is no way I can handle this pain anymore I feel you. You calm me. I know you are here, helping us keep it all together....just as you always have. Mommy Loves You Jed, more than any words could explain.

Christmas Eve in my kitchen 2008

The dining room; Jed, Adam, Pappaw, Nana, Tiersa,Grace and Megan


Jed and his box of cash form Jim and Grace, Jase put his bread stick in the box!


How can this actually be my life? Trying to accept that this is all really true is sometimes just not possible. I just want to hold his hand.

anyway, Dishy that Christmas card of Lucas is AWESOME!!!! Ralph...I started reading the front of your card about kids visiting santa..blah blah and I thought who the hell sent me this freakin' card. I laughed so hard I cried when I saw the inside. OMG that was funny!!! Thanks to everyone sending us good thoughts through this ....time.
Missing you Jeddie, my heart is breaking over and over. I am thinking of you every minute, love and missing you every second. Nana put your tree back up and so did Hop, he put stakes in it so it should not blow away!
Mommy loves you
Love J & K

I saw my grandmother today. I feel bad that I don't go see her more. She is funny as hell. When I talk to her I just keep thinking about the fact that she is going to die. I know, not very nice and she could live another 10 yrs for all I know but I don't think so. This is how twisted I am, I want to ask her if she is excited, if she thinks of how many people she will get to see. She has a son she has not seen in over 60 years. I know I have brought this up in a previous rant but of course it is on my mind a bit. I think if I was her I would feel like I was a kid waiting for Christmas morning. I also think constantly about the fact that she is going to be the first of us to see Jed. I want to tell her to hug him for me and to make sure he is ok and then to come TELL ME. But whereas I think when I am in Gram's position I will be obnoxiously talking about dieing, she does not. So I can't really bring it up, like hey Gram, I think your going to be the first of us to die since Jed so can you do me a favor....no I can't do that. Yes, I sound cold and heartless but think, if you had been separated from your child for almost a year with no way to get to them and you are talking to the person you think will be the next to see him...what would be going through your mind? No, I don't want my grandmother to die, we will all miss her very much but I am excited for her. It's not a bad thing for her. I don't know, I'm sure many will read this and not understand but the only way to really get it is to live what I am living....I don't wish that on anyone. I am happy for Jed but oh so unhappy for us.


I find myself sometimes sitting all crunched over, yes I slouch but this is more than that. I have to make myself sit up and take a deep breath. I think I do this to try to find a way to get away from the pain. You know when you are uncomfortable or scared or hurting you try to move or hide or find a way to ease the hurt? I think that is what I am trying to do and most of the time it is not a conscious thought. Oh, and by the way.....it doesn't work. It just makes my back hurt and makes me breathe weird.
That is my deep observation of the day.
I wanted to make picture books for everyone this year for gifts. I can't. I tried a few times and I just can't. Sorry people.
Tomorrow morning I am to finally give my presentation that I have been trying to give for more than 2 weeks. I have 2 finals after that. On Wednesday I have 2 more and then I am officially finished my first full semester of college...yipee. The anxiety and stress would be a killer if I wasn't already used to living with it.
Ok, that's all. I am randomly writing things to avoid studying.

Christmas 2006


Needing to see you baby Jed. Hope you like your tree. Nana brought you a candy cane and I think mommo and hop are bringing you a snowman. Someone put poinsettias there too so it is looking very Christmas-ey. Thinking of your sweet smile and smart mouth keeps me going. I am watching the Simpsons right now and Family Guy is on next :)
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

I have to say this, it is so flippin cool that I have 7 page views from Russia & 5 from South Korea! I also have some from Denmark, Croatia, The Netherlands, Australia, France, Canada & The United Kingdom. I kinda feel bad though. I wish I was more entertaining or more up lifting or something. It feels like people from far away have come to see me and I am just not such great company :) I'd promise to get better...but...well.... we know neither my writing ability nor my mood is probably going to improve for awhile....sorry ! But thanks for stopping by!

Look what you have brought me Jeddie!

We made Jed a tree...


And took it over. It has cool blue solar lights and of course Penn State decorations.

I went to the viewing for my friend's son. Savannah went with me. Yes I abuse her, makes her tough...poor thing. We were only there for a few moments. I just wanted her to know he meant something to others. I know how happy I was to see people at Jed's service.
Then we went to the Cope's. We took sloppy joe's for them and we hung around for awhile. Their whole family is so kind and of course they love Savannah but they always make me feel welcome. They have even invited us to their annual Christmas Eve family thing. Tammy's dad wants Danny to come and bring his guitar. I think Savannah is going but I don't know if we will. I am not sure what my family is doing yet. Usually we do Christmas Day Brunch and then hang out all day but I am not sure if that is happening this year or not. I think my brother is leaving after brunch for his in-laws....I think, who knows. Maybe they will go there Christmas eve and we will have our regular Christmas Day. Anyway, whatever, they will all let me know where and when and if Christmas eve is open and Danny wants to go then maybe we will.
So yes, we went to the cemetery and set up Jed's tree, then to the viewing of another person's child and then to hang out with Jay and Tam and the boys as they are missing their kid. Ridiculous. it pisses me off. I can't think too deeply about it or I will just crawl into bed and stay there. The fact that I set a tree up in a cemetery for Jed is sickening and beyond what I can really comprehend. I have to just pretend that it's normal. Sometimes I just want to quit, sometimes it is all just way way too hard.
Learning to adapt to a life you do not want and did not ask for is a bit overwhelming sometimes. I keep reminding myself that many others have it so so much worse....it doesn't always make a difference but I keep trying.

Jeddie, I want to hold your hand, I want you to rub my forehead when you know I have a headache, I want to wake up and find you in my bed or find myself still in yours with you. I want to make you steak and potatoes at midnight and then sit with you and watch adult swim while you eat. I miss you. Mommy Loves you baby Jed....
Love J & K

I guess I picked this picture because I decorated a tree to take over for Jed tomorrow....it is all Penn State of course. Well that and because it's a great pic with come of my fave people in it :)

I found out tonight that a girl I knew as a child has lost her child. He was born when we were seniors in high school. I babysat him once when he was a very new infant. I have not seen them in many many years and have only spoken to her a very few times in all these years. He was 23. Please send your love and strength to Robin Urey and her family.

Jeddie, I am missing you...as always. I made you a Penn State tree, I will take it over tomorrow. Blue, solar lights and all! It is pretty cool. I hate not having you here, there is nothing good about this at all at least from our end. Mommy loves you oh so very much.
Love J & K

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and......that is a great gift."

~Elizabeth Edwards~

My Guys...they are together.

Funny Friend, I am missing you..I say that all the time don't I? Welp, it's true and it is more true everyday. You are the brightest star in my sky. Mommy Loves you baby Jed
Love J & K

How happy does that kid look? No one can argue that she is HIS baby. :)
look at the fuzzy hair. love his long fingers. Oh Jeddie...

I had 4 of my 6 cavities filled today. I am trying to fix the damage of 3 years of neglect and a diet of coca-cola, sweat tea & rice krispie treats.

I don't really have much to say. Oh, thanks mom for dinner every week. It is awesome. That reminds me......
If you know someone that has a sick child or has lost a child offer to pick up or drop off or babysit the other siblings , so the parent can take a nap, or a shower or go to the store alone or just sit and stare at the wall if that is what they need to do. You could go to the store for them, go do their laundry, clean their kitchen, ask their kids what they like to eat and make it for them all, put their trash out, rake their leaves. Tell them, I want to take your kids for a few hours what day is best. Don't just keep saying "call me if you need me", I'm here for you" offer to do specific things or ask, ask what is something that if they didn't have to do it would make their day a bit easier. I didn't have younger children at home but if I did I think I would have loved someone to say, "on Thursdays I am picking your kids up after school, I will bring them back at bed time". Do it every week or even every other or even JUST ONCE. Don't make them ask, or tell you what to do...that is the most exhausting thing. Knowing everyone loves you is nice but making any decisions or asking for something is hard and tiring and damn near impossible.
Oh and one more thing, this might sound harsh and I am not demeaning any one's grief but don't say you know how they feel because you miss your grandma or even your parents. No matter how close you were it was not your child.....there is no comparison...unless you have lost a child you cannot, in any way relate. Ok, that is my rant for the day.

Baby Jed, mommy misses you more than words can explain. It's not easier and I am realizing it will never be. I just keep remembering that you are ok and that I WILL be with you at some point. Everyday down is a day closer to you.
Mommy loves you Jeddie
Love J & K

Taking it day by day is getting harder. I am about minute by minute right now.


I have been thinking about the kid on the snorkeling boat with us. I think I mentioned him. He sat out front like we did, getting wet and having fun. He was lanky and blond. He did not look like Jed but he resembled Jed. All knees and elbows. At one point he stared at me, for a long minute, and then he smiled. It was heart stopping for me.

I am missing you baby Jed. Mommy Loves you...always
Love J & K

Jeddie my love...missing you...more and more everyday.
Mommy Loves You
love J & K

Happy Birthday Mommo.....


xoxoxoxo
Dinner tomorrow at Adam's for Mommo's birthday. yay cake

Jeddie I am MISSING you....there really are no other words for it. I just feel...tired, not sleepy tired....just ...tired. Everything is so hard it's ridiculous. I feel like a slacker but everything feels like it takes 100 times more effort than it should. I just keep reminding myself that you did all you did...and you did it with a smile so I have to at least try. Everyday I try. Watching another family go through this is sickening. Then I meet people that have been without their child for 6,7,8 years and I think...which is worse? I cannot imagine not seeing you for that long but then, I could never imagine not seeing you for 11 months either...and here we are 11 months. I do not want to have to say I have not seen you in 1 whole year..but it's coming up and I can't stop it. I miss my baby, my friend, my constant companion. My heart breaks over and over everyday. Oh Jed, I am trying....I really am but good god this is hard. Mommy Loves You Jeddie Spaghetti .....always
Love J & K

Today was a long day. It was great to, once again, see the dedication and love from our PSU family. We are so grateful to all of them. They continue to be there....even under the worst circumstances.
We celebrated Jaz's life today. It was lovely. Long...but lovely. Yes, I know everyone does these things differently and I have a very short attention span. I behaved, for the most part, I sat still and tried not to fidget. Seeing some of our nurses today was great, I miss them all. Many people got up and spoke. Savannah was wonderful....and so was Mr. Mead....of course. (not that I am biased toward those two). There were funny stories and touching remembrances. All perfect for a wonderful girl. At the cemetery, Savannah walked up the hill with Jared where they left flowers for his sister Jenn. I know Savannah is exhausted and I am tired. Jay and Tammy and their family must really be wiped out.
I dug out "the dress" today. I wish if I threw it away kids would stop dieing. I bought this dress years ago thinking my grandmother might go soon and I should have something to wear...little did I know that 3 years later Gram would still be with us and I would have worn that dress to the services of 3 children, one being my own. I guess you really have no idea what is around the corner.


I miss you my funny friend. No matter how bad things were as long as you were with me I was ok. Now things are bad...and I don't have the comfort of being with you. I miss your funny smile and your smart mouth, your crazy comments and your twisted view of the world. I miss your sweet self, watching Family Guy, the Simpsons and jimmy newtron, Johnny test, spongebob, even chowder. There is nothing that I do not miss...every second of everyday. I am just glad you are safe and healthy and happy. We took flowers over tonight...from Jaz's service. They are a bit girlie but you like pretty flowers. Mommy loves you baby Jed...always....forever.
Love J & K

Jazmine Rae Cope.......

Hug your kids people.....and be grateful.
Mommy Loves you baby Jed.
Love J & K