The weather was beautiful today. Danny and I rode for a bit then we had crabs at Mommo and Hop's. Yummy. Danny, Mom and I picked for a couple of hours. Hop doesn't eat crabs and two crabs were Savannah's limit..she didn't enjoy the yuck factor!






For some reason I look slightly bitchy in both of those pictures...hhmm. The real me comes out.

Here are some random luncheon pictures. Savannah has some I think that I haven't seen. If anyone out there took any pictures that day can you please send them to me? Next year I want to try to get a professional photographer to maybe donate their time and take pics all day. I hardly took any, Savannah was very busy and poor Danny was left with the task. So of course there are no pictures of him!


Robosapian's new owner !!


Gabe...the new owner of a very special four wheeler...


Can you tell I am happy to see her? Oh Deana...what would I ever have done without you?


Cousin Mike and Will chillin with harley friends!


Mya we missed you :)


Hi Lovely LV


How was the food hop?


Beautiful


Awwee Keith, I also have one of you with no shirt on...??


Holly, Adam and Emily's head! LOVE that pin your wearing Holly :)


Mr Phillips and Tabitha Phillips, Esquire !!!


The only ten seconds Savannah sat down all day....


Check out the orb on her foot !!! :)

Goodnight Jeddie. Missing you so so very much. I keep waiting to hear your knock on the bedroom wall and your yell of, "there's a bug in my room". The stupid stink bugs are everywhere! There are no words to describe how much I miss you and how surreal everything seems. I feel detached from everything going on....kind of shell shocked I think. It all just seems wrong...and like it has to be a dream. I so so want this to be a dream....please. Oh Jeddie.
Mommy Loves you very much.
Love J & k

Peace Out Jed Man...

Buds...

November 14th 2009...feels like yesterday...........and 100 yrs ago.

Well, I managed to get the back yard cleaned up and Danny mowed the lawn...it looks nice. Now I just have to make myself do the side and front......we'll see. The thought doesn't thrill me.
Savannah and I trimmed the grass at the cemetery. That looks much better now too. Livi-Mac was over at mom's so we ran over to visit. She was wearing her tshirt from the luncheon. I said, "I like your shirt". She said, " Jedediah Thomas"!! Love it. I miss my Jed.
Sometimes I think this is so freakin unfair. When I hear people whining about their lives or their kids I want to scream. These are people that have healthy happy children....and the people that bitch and complain who have grown kids I really want to strangle. These are people that have had the privilege of watching their children grow up. They can visit and go out to lunch with their sons. No matter how much they want to try to tell me they understand....they have no flippin clue...at all.... and they should be HAPPY they can't relate. Sorry. Not sure where that came from.
Anyway, on a more constructive note. We are discussing the 2nd Annual Jedediah Thomas Smith Luncheon. Throwing around some ideas. We will keep you posted. I would really like to start a nonprofit of some sort that would raise money in Jed's name for The Four Diamonds Fund and hopefully a small scholarship for a Four Diamonds child or sibling that is accepted to Penn State. I am doing some research but for right now I think it is beyond what I can figure out. There are legal things and crud that I do not understand. Ha, maybe when I finish my degree I will understand it all AND maybe know a lawyer that will help with the paper work! I never really thought about that! Anyway I would like to set it up at some point so when people donate to us they can get a tax break. We'll see. The Jedediah Thomas Smith Foundation will happen I think, someday. Anyway, I will keep you all posted on what we decide for next year.
Ok, gotta go. I'm all itchy from the tomato plants...
Jeddie Spaghetti.....my sweet Jed. Missing you SO MUCH. Mommy Loves you.
Love J & K
Jed, say hi to my friend Lenny :)

Not much to say. Missing my Jed. I have to go out and clean up the yard tomorrow....I really don't care about the yard....or the house..or the car...oh well!
I have papers to write....waiting for some more info from people. I think that is just my excuse for not really doing them.



There was so much hope this time last year.....going from that to this....is beyond words. I just want my son.
Jeddie, I miss you so very very much. Mommy Loves You...forever
Love J & K

Is there any kid cuter....I think not....spring 2007



Can I tell you just how much I miss this guy? So very very cute, sweet, funny, smart, quirky and sometimes mouthy. You cannot imagine how quiet my life is now....how hollow. The space he filled was so immense, the hole that is left is indescribable. How are parents expected to keep going, keep functioning in a normal fashion? I know I get up everyday (most of the time) and I try....sometimes not as hard as I should.... but every single moment of every day is a struggle. Having my children in two opposite places it absolute torture. I cannot be with one without leaving the other...I know for a FACT there is nothing that can be harder. Sometimes....well more than sometimes...my brain just seems to shut down. Always at just about the most inopportune moments. Tonight in my paralegal class...twice I was opening my mouth to answer a question and both times I went completely blank and ended up grasping for anything that sounded slightly coherent. I have to remember to keep my head down and not volunteer to answer anything. Just listen and take notes! I did get a 98 on my Business law exam....yay. Of course can't be too thrilled though because I got to my computer class and realized we were having an exam I had forgotten all about...whoohoo. oh and to make it a bit more interesting that is the only class I do not have a break after. My paralegal class starts 15 minutes later.....in the other building. So I was really hurrying...have no clue how I did. We shall see.
Mom made us dinner tonight...It's becoming a regular Wednesday thing....LOVIN' it!! Gumbo with turkey sausage ..yummy. I thought about my bottle of peach wine often today. :) I had to remind myself that peach wine for breakfast is not like having fruit juice! Danny got me some Mike's lemonade...it's awesome with the gumbo! I will save my wine for another day.
Guess that's it for now. Tomorrow I have some thank you notes to write...and a Dr appt but other than that not much. I have to work on these two projects I guess. All I really want to do is shop...and drink peach wine :)

Good Night Baby Love. I Love you more everyday...and miss you more every second. This is a hell of a test. I know others have it worse but for the first time ever that does not make much of a difference. We used to talk about that often, remember? It always made both of us so grateful for what we had and where we were....even you, living with so much pain and fear. You could see that there were others worse off and it made a difference. Now...I try but it is not working very well. I will keep trying, just for you. Your strength and compassion keeps me going. Melting down and falling apart is not an option. You NEVER did and what you lived with was so much worse. So if you could do all that you did and still think of others first, I can at least try to keep it all together. Not that I always want to..but I will try :) Ya know, it would be nice if you could just send me a very obvious sign as to what I am supposed to be doing with my time here. Obvious....because you know I can be a bit....obtuse....
Mommy Loves you sweet pea.
Love J & K

So, now I want a license that says I can make heaters work. I just jiggled some wires then I kicked it a few times and wala...heat! yay me
now we can come out from the parkas


Jed always had the right idea...at the right time :)

I miss my snugglie friend. There were very few mornings that he was not snuggled into our bed. If he didn't come earlier, when Danny left for work he always asked Jed if he wanted to get in our bed. Jed would come in, get all snuggled up and promptly fall asleep until late in the afternoon. That was a great excuse for me to sleep a lot too or at least hang out in bed for a long time! When he started to get tall he was all elbows and legs in the bed. You had to be careful not to get knocked my a knobby elbow. I miss Jed.
Savannah and I walked down to the pizza place today for lunch. There is not one part of main street that is not under construction. They are digging everywhere.
Other than lunch and some laundry I have been doing school stuff all day. I am hoping to find out about my business law test tomorrow. The other test was split in two so I have to take the next part tomorrow. Tomorrow is my long day. 9am to 9pm. Not so bad really because I have breaks between all my classes except the last two. My CIS class ends at 5:45 and Paralegal 101 starts at 6. That is good because if I had a break between those I know I would fall asleep! I have two big projects soon. Both have to be presentations. I would do just about anything to avoid a presentation. I would write 10 10 page papers. It makes me sick to think about them One I am trying to do on the legal aspects of being a nurse on 7west. Nurse Shelley has been helping me. it is very hard to find info on that stuff. The other one is for environmental science. The topic I picked was "the environmental hazards predicted when the reactor at 3 mile island was sealed". Dear god. Adam is going to help me get some info on that. BUT I still have to figure out how to do a PowerPoint or some kind of damn thing. UGH. I want to make a movie so I can just play it. But that is beyond my creative expertize. :)

There are very few people that can be a "fierce" Blue.


Missing you Jeddie Spaghetti. Keep an eye on Jaz, she is back hanging out on 7 west. Again, as always when I gather the laundry, I head to your room ready to tell you go grab your dirty clothes. I hate that. There are a few things in your hamper...spongebob pjs and such. I cannot move them. I just can't. Oh Jed.
Mommy Loves You
Love J & k

Jed's Crew at his "End of Chemo" Party a year ago.
Hard day yesterday...but what's new. Hard day everyday. Sometimes it is so overwhelming when I think about the fact that this will not change. Jed is not coming back, this is it. When the hard, cold reality of that gets through I have trouble breathing. It is an actual physical reaction. I want to hide from it but there is no where to go. When I get to the point that I want to scream because I cannot make this different Jed seems to take over...very subtly I feel calmer. It took me awhile to realize this happens but it does...every time. I swear he either finds something to distract me, something that forces me to focus outside instead of inside where it is so horrible, or sometimes I think he makes my brain just stop. I go from right on the edge to staring at the wall blankly, numb. Not that you won't find me staring at the wall blankly sometimes anyway. Jed just covers me in a blanket. It's good to know that when I get to that panicky, oh my god, oh my god, point Jed will take the edge off just enough that I don't actually freak out. So far anyway. Nine months...that is sickening. I have not touched my son in nine months. I wish someone could tell me exactly how long I will live. I could deal so much better if I knew that. Ain't gonna happen I guess. Besides if someone tells me I am going to live to be 100 I might hurt them.

ANYWAY, I took two tests today. I want to say I did ok but I think if I do that I will jinx myself. My business law and paralegal classes over lap a bit...that is helpful. Learning some of the same things in two classes makes it stick in there better.



Jed, you know I always try to keep the heat off until Halloween...remember the year I taped the thermostats? We are getting earlier and earlier. Last year I gave up about halfway through October. Well, under the guise of seeing if the furnace is working Savannah and I just turned it on....I know I know it's VERY early...but I'm cold! The cell for the 1st floor doesn't seem to be working but the cell upstairs is. I really only want the one on downstairs on but you know how this heater is...has a mind of it's own. Jed I miss you. Living through a summer without you has been hell. Winter is going to be SO much worse...and who ever thought it could be worse? I have found though that just when I think, this is it, this is how bad it can be, it gets worse. But at least I know you will help just a bit. I haven't gotten a quarter in a while but I do see my double numbers all the time so I know you are with me always. Oh, our TV stopped working and I told Danny to swap ours for yours. I acted like it was all cool but it made me a bit panicky for awhile. I think I'm ok with it now....I know you are fine with it :) Oh Jeddie Jeddie. Mommy Loves you so
Love J & K

Savannah has this picture on her blog but I wanted to put it here too. Not only because we LOVE Table 10 but also because of the orbs...the big one is unreal!! It actually kind of looks like an eye!!! There are two other orbs in the picture, great pic Danny!



A picture of the room...it looked great,


I see you in there nurse Shelly !!
What an amazing day.

This guy, this is my sweet funny friend. There is no end to the depth of my ache for him. It does NOT get easier....it gets harder....everyday.
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

It was an unbelievable day....thank you to EVERYONE...we could not have done it without all the support, hard work and love of our friends and family Thank You...



There were so many people ...I have NO idea how many, hopefully Savannah knows! There were family from near and far, friends from near and far...coworkers, classmates, our AWESOME GammAcacia family. There were friends of family, family of friends, teachers, NURSES, neighbors, survivors, family of survivors...so many, many people. I am overwhelmed and humbled.

I am not fond of this picture of me but these are three of my most favorite people in the world. Lucas...my chunka love.


Gamma Phi Acacia...I don't know how we would keep going without your love and eternal devotion to Jed


Why do I not have a picture of Savannah and Ryan? hhmm

Savannah pulled off an incredible event. Will we do it next year? I'd love too but I really don't know. I am afraid we could never be better than we were today.
Seeing so many people from our Hershey home was wonderful. I miss them all. These are the people that did for Jed what I could not. They kept him going so I had 12 beautiful years...and I am eternally grateful. It is hard to find words to describe what this group means to me. Shelly, our light in the dark..nights were good when Shelly was there. The effort you put into helping us make this event rock is so appreciated. Deana...the best thing that has ever happened to 7 west. The fact that we were there when she joined the team was a huge bonus for us. Her dedication to keeping Jed's pain and anxiety levels down was amazing,and I know, not easy. I will forever see her big circle clock in my head that she drew on the mirror, telling Jed what time he could have certain meds. It was a brilliant idea that helped immensely. Little clock hands for ativan, morphine, zofran and phenergan...a bit of benadryl for good measure. awesome. Holly, your studly was and is devoted to you. I just have no words for what you have given me by how you took care of Jed. Grateful is such a small word. Adam and Emily are beautiful. Seeing you hold that little blond boy just touches me. Then there is Denise, the calming voice on the other end of the phone, an always present, reassuring, super capable, spectacular human being. I felt you were the extra smart big sister that could explain the unexplainable and help my son when I could not. Your presence in my life has been invaluable. The fact that all of you would take the time out of your extremely busy and stress packed lives to, once again, support us and share the "Jed love" is a wonderful thing. Thank you. Oh and while I am naming nurses...Mrs. Kirby, she is the reason I could send Jed to school without having a total panic attack. We all love you so much.
I have to stop now because I want to name EVERYONE but...well I can't. Just know, all of you, that we are thankful to have you in our lives.



No one has a better family than we do. How lucky am I? Pretty freakin' lucky. Mommo and Nana...awesome job!! Dad you did your job very well too! Pappaw, thank you for showing Gabe, the new owner of Jed's 4 wheeler, how to ride today. Adam, Mindy, Tiersa...ok have to stop. Thank you.
Athena, her family and her staff...you were just out of this world. What you did for us today was so over the top. Thanks are so inadequate.

Table 10....OMG you guys are SO great...thank you :)



Jed I hope you enjoyed your party. Your sister did an unbelievable job. I looked for you all day. When I saw Holly walk in I almost turned to go find you. I know you, Jackson, Jenn, and all the rest were having a good time with us today. Did you see how many people were there?..Dumb question, of course you did. I know you made sure Jase got your robot, Gabe got your 4 wheeler and of course DJ got your guitar! Oh Jeddie....I would trade it all if I could just have you back. Mommy loves you..forever
Love J & K

Savannah.....I am so Proud....not surprised but very proud. :)

Tomorrow is the big day...cars are packed, we are as ready as we can be I think.
In about 17 hours these two are going to rock red lion with an awesome event ....


I am excited..but I feel tired and I haven't even done anything! I hope we have a huge turn out. I am happy that I get to see people that I haven't seen in awhile.
Athena and The Great American Saloon staff have gone over and above to make sure everyone has great food and a great time all while raising money to help save children from the hell of cancer. We are grateful for their dedication to our cause.



Yes I stole this picture from Savannah...hers was better than mine....not a shocker.

I know you are excited for tomorrow Jed. It will be wonderful. Make sure you bring Renee, Jackson, Jenn, Iysis, Anika and the many many other friends there with you.Mommy Loves you.
Love J & K

Jed and his "women of summer"....Ashlyn and Hayley Althoff. He loves these girls and he loves this family. Hayley had a birthday party last year and raised $3,000 for the Four Diamonds Fund in honor of Jed....and she had never met him. Then, after knowing him only a few months, asked to speak at his service. How amazing is she? We can't wait to see them at the luncheon.



Speaking of the luncheon...it is crunch time. Savannah is freaking out a bit but she really has it all under control. "When I tell you what I want you to do I have to do it like five times"......and that's before I have had any of my peach wine from Nana. Poor Savannah. It will all be over soon and I know she will pull off an amazing event. This is something she does extremely well and I'm positive there are many many more things to come.
One of our THON dancers last year, Todd Hoffman (an Acacia brother), and his family are graciously donating a 32" LCD tv and a Best Buy gift card for "tv accessories" to our silent auction!!! Awesoommmee!! We are just waiting to get delivery information set up.
So many people have really gone over and above to help us make this event terrific. Thanks to the lovely Karen Simon....the programs look great!
It has been raining here all day. At some points it looked like a monsoon. Needless to say I did not go to the cemetery today. I am there about six times a week...but remember....it is right across the street. Anyway, Tuesday night I stopped by to drop off balloons and a flower cake for Jed's birthday yesterday. It was pitch black and as soon as I pulled in it started to pour. I debated about getting out but I wanted the stuff to be there when the sun came up and it was his birthday. I put everything out and noticed my cousin had left his business card (his way of saying "I was here"). As I was looking at the business card on the stone I realized all the quarters everyone has been leaving were gone. :( I knew it wouldn't last. I am not too upset about that because I knew it would happen. When I turned around to go back to my car, sad and a bit disappointed, I noticed the headstone right in front of Jed"s was knocked over. Now that is uncool. I called the police, a very nice officer came out and made a report and called the caretaker. The officer got a bit choked up when he saw Jed's stone. The broken stone has been fixed and it was the only one knocked over. Let's hope it stays that way. Geeze, that can create some bad karma...those kids better do something nice to balance that out! So that is the excitement of my life. My living room is packed with auction stuff.....can't wait to see everyone and can't wait for you all to bid on the cool stuff we have. :)



Good night Jeddie. Saturday is almost here. I know you will be right there with us and I know you are so proud of your sister. You should leave her another quarter in the toilet. Ahh, my Jed, the missing you gets bigger everyday. It takes my breath away. My days are so empty and hollow without you here filling it all up. Quiet too, no smart comments, funny giggles and tv commentary. It sucks. Again, a day over is a day closer to you. Mommy Loves You....
Love J & K