Hershey Park 2009

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

I have a picture of these 2 when they were about 1st grade at Hershey park. I will have to dig it out and put it up. So very cute. Harley canceled the annual employees picnic this year...the new CEO needed that 6.5 million for 8 months of work so they couldn't afford the picnic. Not that I care now...perfect timing I guess. After 10 yrs of taking Jed and probably 6 years of taking DJ it would just be 1 more heartache to know it was happening and I was not taking "my boys".
Today was our last day of work for the week. Harley management made a big deal out of the fact that because of the "new attendance policy" we are ahead of schedule on bike building. I guess they think we are all stupid..(don't get me wrong, some are..but not all)..with the new rules they are getting over a half an hour more work from us without paying more and we are selling less bikes so DUH of course we are ahead. Dorks. But hey, whatever, we will definitely take an extra day off in the sun.
Danny and I are headed to Annapolis tomorrow afternoon. I have brunch with Mommo and G tomorrow first. It was my idea but now I am a bit reluctant,... I still kinda want to go ...it's the coming home that will be hard. It's such a harsh reality check every time I walk in the door. I am afraid it will be worse if I am gone for more than a few hours. So I guess we shall see. We will be back Saturday evening and will have dinner at Mom and Dad's on Sunday.
SO, I have like 15-18 college credits to my name...all PSU credits of course...anyway...that's ALL I have but today I received a card in the mail saying I am now a member of the PSU Alumni Assoc!!!!! HAHAHAHHA....why..... because Savannah danced in THON!! Funny..geeze no wonder they have the largest Alumni assoc in the world. Does that mean I don't have to go back to school? Wonder if I can get an honorary degree??!! Guess not.
I guess that's all for now. I managed to keep it together almost all day...yippee for me. I have pie...that helps.
Good night baby Jed. I love you more than the sun. Missing you desperately. I hope you are happy healthy and having a great time. Can't wait to see you.
Love J & k

Jed and Ma-B this past summer.
So today was ok.... until I started to go through my messages on my phone to delete some. I opened one and it was a picture that I posted on here and sent to everyone on October 6th.....it was Jed getting his "last" chemo. I just started to cry. Hate crying at work but I am getting used to it as I do it everyday. It was just such a smack to open that picture and remember how happy and nervous I was. NEVER did I EVER think that less than 3 months later I would be living without my Jeddie. I hate this and it sucks....have I mentioned that lately?? Yes I know....everyday.
This morning (at 4am) I was sitting on the edge of the bed trying to decide if I was going to go to the gym with Danny. I looked down and right under the edge of my dresser was a quarter.....I went to the gym. Kind of a sad workout but hey...I went!
Today was Lisa's last day at work. She has been going to school to be an RN for 2 years while working full time....very hard. She decided to take the 1st lay off. Now she can relax for the summer and finish school without killing herself in a factory. Also there is talk of us going to 4 10hr days...if we do everyone going to school will have to quit because the classes start at 6pm. This way she doesn't have to worry about that. We are very proud of her she is so very nice and has worked really hard.
Anyway, that's it for my day of fun....oh and I got my hair cut...whoohoo. Happy birthday Alecia!!!
I love you and miss you Jeddie....it is really really really hard to have to be here without you.
Love J & K

How cool is he?? The dude...chillin' with his ipod and "the hat".
Monday again. Short work week though...that's good. Hanging on, trying not to fall into the pit...the one that is always in front of me....the big black sad one. It's very hard. I miss my baby.
Love J & K

Jed with DJ and Morgan

Jed with DJ and Morgan
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

My kid is a nut. That is such a pretty face! Oh my.... miss him so much.
Today has been better than yesterday. I went to the mall...alone and then to old navy and panera with mom and Savannah. I managed to keep it together most of the day. Very hard to be at Old Navy and not shop for Jed... :(
Back to work tomorrow oh yay.
Miss you sweet pea. I love you baby Jed
Love J & K

Jed going to camp August 2008

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Breakfast with the fam....good. The rest of the day....not so great. Crying crying crying....so tired of crying. So tired of everything. I really do not want to do this. I just want to stay in bed. Why is Jed not here? Why do I have to try to make a life without him? I hate this. It gets worse everyday. I want to be angry but...who is there to be angry with? No one, I am aware of that....almost wish there was. Anyone that knows us knows the amount of time Jed and I spent together...now there is nothing. Everything he and I did for 8 yrs is either gone or I have to do them without him. Being in the house is hard but it is the only place I want to be. When I look at pictures of his smiling face I always smile, then I cry and want to throw up. I know he is around me but not actually having him here where I can take care of him and hang out with him and talk to him is horrible. I was in the car with Danny today riding along while he did stuff and I was just a mess. Like I said..today has been miserable. A little black car (like mine but a bit older) pulled out in front of us and it had a little tiny sticker on the back window the said ILUVU in red and white letters. I know that was for me...I felt it right away. I had to smile...
Love J & K

Savannah took this of Jeddie's light :)

the guys at Busch Gardens for Jed's 12th bday

the guys
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Heading home from work today I almost felt like I wanted to yell and scream that I want my son. The missing him, especially when I am headed home is torture. Knowing I am coming home, and Jed is not and never will be here again, is sickening. I wish I could explain how hard it is to comprehend that my funny, sweet, smart mouthed best friend is not here anymore, I still think this cannot be real. It sucks...really really sucks.
Love J & K

Uncle Adam and Jeddie Easter Egg guys

Jed161
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

look at that grin!!!!
Someone thought I was giving them the "loser" sign today at work. For the record I was NOT but I thought about it! Anyway it made me think of Jed. He was on a loser sign kick for a long time! When he started he said "woser" and put his finger and thumb on his forehead. Then it turned into the whole thing where he would do "double woser" and Hop would do a whole body "woser" with his arm and leg. When we went to Disney Jed and Savannah made me a recording of them singing and playing fake instruments to the Smash Mouth song with the verse :"you were lookin kinda dumb with your finger and your thumb in the shape of an L on your forehead". So anyway this guy thought I was giving him the "woser" sign and it turned into me talking about this song...and the fact that I hadn't heard it in ages. On our way home we had to stop at the gym because the tanning I tried to start this morning at 4;30am did not work and when we walked into the gym guess what song was on??!!! I had to laugh. Yesterday when we stopped at the gym so I could activate my tanning package the guy was showing me the bed and right in the middle of the floor was a quarter.... :) He picked it up. Danny said he almost made the guy give me the quarter! I know Jeddie is here with me....but his physical absence is really hard to deal with. He is so funny and so smart and such a bright shining light. Our house is very quiet....and very sad.
Danny had to stop and pay a bill on our way home. I fell asleep in the car and had a little dream while waiting for him. i dreamed that I was sitting in the car and someone got in the driver's side with a gun and said I was going with him or he would shoot me..I looked at this robber guy wearing a mask and just started to laugh hysterically....he got out and ran. I was still chuckling when I woke up....I know, I'm crazy. Oh well. The need to see my son makes me kinda nutty....guess it will just keep getting worse.
Love J & K

Oh my they are so cute!

Oh my they are so cute!
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

How funny is that hat??
A person at work said to me today " I know you have been through a lot, and so you understand what I'm saying when I say..life really sucks, it just completely sucks". Now this person has lost a loved one to cancer BUT this person also has a healthy teenager and spouse. They are planning a celebratory vacation for when their child graduates and another family vacation before that. I didn't really know what to say, I just started to cry thinking of how much I would love to take my son on vacation and how fun it would be to plan a graduation celebration...even just from elementary school. What would this person think if they actually had to live like this? Just another example of how you have no clue what this is like, how truly horrible it is until YOU are the one without your child. NOTHING is worse than this....NOTHING. ugh.
SOOOO, anyway. No I did not make it to the gym this morning. Dan's back hurt so he didn't go (great excuse for me to stay in bed). Not that sleeping an hour more helped me. I forgot our lunch, which means I forgot my coke....I am a coke junkie...HAVE to have it. I didn't realize it until I got to work, then also realized I had NO money to buy one. after hearing me yell at the guy working next to me another guy gave me 2 bucks to go get my coke. I think maybe I scared him! The soda got stuck in the machine and I almost cried,,,,then I thought...oh that's stupid so I got Danny to help me shake the machine. I was kicking it.,,,he saved me from destroying it. Danny did go get change later and pay him back and bought me a yogurt and peanut M n M's so all was not too bad..I guess.
I want to learn to play tennis....I think. I mean it at least sounds good right now. Of course it will prob not be such a good idea when I find out how hard it is....all that running and hitting and stuff. Let's see who will teach me? My friend Marc has volunteered....not sure how much he knows of this sport but he would be a hoot. There was a bit of money invested in Savannah for lessons....a long time ago. Now my brother DID play on the tennis team in high school....hhhmmm, that would be good for both of us....somehow I don't think I could talk him into it though! oh well. I also have to remember that tennis would require me to leave my bed during non-work hours...better think on that one.
Ok I guess that's it for now. Trying to not think about how things REALLY are in my life. Sad sad sad. Missing Jed is so constant and so painful and so lonely...just so completely unending.
Love J & k

Jed & The Mac

Jed56
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

They are deep in conversation.
Ok day....hard evening.
Will I get up at 4 and go to the gym??? I just don't know. Getting up is hard enough.
sad, just very very sad
love J & K