Monday, January 7, 2013

Hi all,

It's been awhile I know. I was going to post at Christmas, then at New Years, then at the three year mark but I knew everything I had to say was sad and miserable and depressing so I decided not to subject anyone to all of that.

I am posting today because I have a couple of things to say that aren't too bad.

First off, Danny and joined the gym again. We had joined three years ago when they opened and then our world collapsed. Danny went for awhile I went maybe four times. It was just too hard. So, we joined again and when I went into the office to get my key thing activated I sat and talked to the owner for a bit. She lost a child 16 years ago. I told her that Jed leaves quarters for us. As I am talking to her she had a strange look on her face, I thought ugh now she thinks I am crazy. She had her hands in her hoodie pockets and she pulled a hand out and was holding a quarter! She said she had found it on her bathroom sink in the morning and knew it had not been there the night before. For some reason she had been carrying it around all day in her pocket. She said, " I think this is for you."  The really cool thing is that a few days earlier I had said, "Jed, I need a quarter, it's been awhile." :)

Second, Savannah left yesterday for her last semester in Happy Valley. When she drove off I thought oh my god, how did this happen so fast and now what the hell do I do. I was standing on the porch and I said Jed I need something big and exciting to focus on. This morning I received a call from Hershey Med Children's Hospital. I have been chosen for an interview for the part time family support position that is open! It is two nights a week and a few hours on Saturdays. Not much but it's a start.

Now to get through the interview process!

Ok, those are my Good things. Yes I still miss Jed more and more every day. Yes it is not getting easier and yes I still want the life I thought I would have. But I don't and I can't so lets see what's ahead I guess.

I miss you Sweet Potato, thanks for taking care of me.

Mommy Loves You

J & K

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Who would have known that night 22 years ago, as I was watching you leave, you were preparing me to be able watch my son leave. Who would have known that while I watched and listened to your mom be strong and selfless in the face of her greatest loss that I would call on that devastating memory to guide me in the face of my greatest loss. The night you left changed my life. Everything was forever described in terms of before and after. It took me years, really, years to not cry at night thinking of you and missing your funny giggle and smart mouth. Missing what should have been. Every event, big or small, I thought of how differently it would have all been with you here.
When I was told I would lose my Jed I remember thinking I could not understand how your mom got out of bed everyday. When Jed was leaving I thought about how deeply I missed you and if I missed you that much how would I ever live with the depth of the loss I was about to face living without Jed. Then I realized that at that moment, your death was a gift to me. Crazy thought, but so instantly comforting. Knowing my Jed was going to be with you was the only solace I had. Remembering how all you ever wanted was to be a mom, to have a child, I knew Jed would be ok because he would be with you. 2 peas in a pod, you and Jed. So similar. Sarcastic, smart mouthed, beautiful, smiling, wise old souls with funny giggles. I am so grateful for the gift of your friendship and the gift losing you turned out to be for me.
I still don't know how your mom gets out of bed and lives her life with such love and devotion. What she has endured is still beyond what I could ever comprehend. But I draw strength from the example she has set and knowing she can keep going gives me hope that I might be able to also. I am very aware that I have to stay here for awhile but knowing you and Jed are together helps a little bit.
I can't lie, I'm kinda pissed. You 2 are together and I am stuck here but I guess I can wait my turn. Take care of my little love, and keep an eye on all of us still flopping around down here. I will see you when it's time. Until then, I still miss you, so much, but I am glad you are there for my Jed.

Baby Jed, mommy loves you and I miss you more, everyday.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

I HAD to blog this.  My awesome friend Denise posted this. Denise, that always made sure our room was perfect and that we had anything we wanted. When she went to night shift she would come in early to sit with Jed and I and she would bring me McDonald's coffee. We love her.
I was laughing and sobbing all at the same time. It was like watching a video of family and a place that meant everything but you haven't seen them in forever. I watched it 4 times and the last time I paused it to answer the phone. When I looked back the frame it stopped on was one of the kid in the hallway turned around and I saw a big yellow star!!! MY CAPES!!!! Those kids are wearing MY capes!!!!! Jed made sure he was included.
Oh how I miss him and how I miss all of them. I love you guys and am so grateful to have been lucky enough to have all of you taking care of my Jeddie. 

Jeddie babe, I miss you more and more....yes still, everyday I miss you more.
Mommy Loves You,
Love J & K

Thursday, July 26, 2012

I'm still here. I think of this blog often, I think "I should write something" but I just don't. I'm not quite sure why, well one reason is because it is hard, just so so hard. Writing here forces me to face the truth. That is not my favorite thing to do really. I mean, yes I live with the truth every single second but writing about it, that's a whole different level.
                             Oh such a funny boy, life is just so hard without that smile.

Not much has changed, I still live every moment with a broken heart, still, even to the point that it can be hard to breathe. Jed is my first thought every morning  the last thought before I fall asleep at night and  every moment in between. I still spend a great deal of energy just trying to smile, act normal and keep moving. It is still an exhausting feat to keep the "what ifs" at bay and shake off the memories of the truly horrible things my little love had to go through. I still miss him more every day, every day is still harder than the one before. I guess the one difference now is that I am no longer stunned that a human can feel like this and still be functioning.

I usually keep it together fairly well. I make myself get out of bed everyday, I finished my Associate's degree and will start working on my bachelor's in the fall. It doesn't really feel like it means much but what else am I going to do?
I have been applying for jobs, have not even gotten a call for an interview. Danny is carrying the entire load right now. I hate that, but truthfully I do not want to go to work. I know I must and I am trying but there is nothing I want to do. I just want my son, that's all.

The Foundation is doing well. We are not huge by any means but I think we are making a difference. We had a family movie night in March and our 2nd annual crab feed was a couple of weeks ago. We doubled the number of people at the crab feed from the 1st one. It is fun to see everyone and overwhelming to know they all care, at the same time I find myself looking around, looking for Jed. I guess I will do that forever. How much fun it would be to do all these events WITH him and not in memory of him.

I am grateful for all the wonderful people that are in my life because of Jed and grateful for the love and support, we could not be helping others without these wonderful friends. I just wish he was here.

Soooo, back to the original thought, not much is different, at least for me BUT the Foundation is doing well, Savannah is great, Danny is working hard and doing ok, everyone seems healthy, I have an amazing family, incredible friends and it's summer. Those are the things that will keep me from falling into that hole. Those are the things that help hold me up day after day. The quarters and signs that come on a fairly regular basis from the love of my life help me keep moving, not very fast mind you but at least moving.

That's all for now. maybe I will write more often....maybe not, I just don't know.

Read Savannah's blog and the Foundation blog, they are better written and much more upbeat.

Everyday down is a day closer to being with you. Mommy loves you Baby Jed, always, forever.

Love J & K

Friday, February 17, 2012


Watch it LIVE....

Watch as THON celebrates 40 years

This year The Jedediah Thomas Smith Foundation made it's first OFFICIAL donation

savannah mead 1st donation

THON weekend is Jed's favorite of the year.
I know he sends all his Gamma Phi & Acacia dancers love and strength. He is so proud.

Jed THON 2004 (our second)
jed thon 2004

Sunday at 1pm is family hour. Start watching at that time to see the Celebration of Life video. Savannah was in charge of that this year. Totals are 4pm Sunday.
Thank you all for your continued support all these years.

Jed, this weekend is YOUR weekend. Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Sunday, February 5, 2012

Funny how one line in an 80's pop song can just stop me cold.
" I hear you call my name and it feels like home."

It is so true on so many levels.


gram and me Thanksgiving 2008

Jed and Gram B

Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Monday, January 23, 2012

Jed was so proud of his football signed to him from Joe Pa....

I know Jed was there to greet him and show him the way home.
I don't care what you say. Joe Paterno was an amazing man. He made a difference...He IS Penn State

This is the rotunda at Hershey Med, people are remembering Joe Pa.

We were on stage when Joe and Sue came to THON. We were so far in the back that we had no idea what was happening. Jed said "who is talking? Is that Joe Pa? Joe Pa is HERE!!!!!" The whole building was vibrating. The love for this man, in this town, at this University is heartfelt and deep.
Savannah had her picture taken with him this same night.

I don't even know what else to say. I am usually the first to make a comment on the passing of an elderly person, such's sad but they were old, and other insensitive things like that. Is this instance I am having a difficult time doing that. The man died of a broken heart but right until the end he was not bitter and was more worried about his wife, family and his Penn State than he was himself.

Love and peace to Joe's beautiful wife Sue and their family.

Oh Jeddie, I just miss still is harder is that possible?
Mommy Loves you Baby Jed
Love J & K