Hey, just a couple of quick things. All last week I was trying to get the assignments I was missing.....I got them all today. Now I have 3 papers due Wednesday and about 4 pages of legal research stuff due tomorrow eve..whoohoo. Oh and 2 mid-terms Wed also.
Anyway, something awesome from the lovely Dishy (Trish). She told me Pete was changing Jordan's diaper and when he opened the onesie there was a quarter right there on the diaper!
We all know how Jed feels about his babies. :)

I wanted to mention again.....9.5 million!!!!!!! THON rocks. We love you guys.

and.....Mickie, here's some love and good vibes, you are doing everything and that is all you can do.

My Lovey....the ache is just a part of who I am now. The constant thought of you and your smile is always in the forefront of my mind. The instant tears are a permanent occurrence and the missing is part of every breath. Everyday day is harder and everyday I miss you more.
Mommy loves you.......forever
Love J & K

Living without Jed is becoming harder by the moment. The drama of losing a child is difficult to deal with, especially when your not the real dramatic type. I picture the people that wail and scream and pull out their hair, I know that's not my scene but I am slightly jealous of those people. Does it help? It seems like it might. There are many times, in my head, that I want to fall to my knees and pound the floor with my fists and scream incoherently. It's also a bit scary, I'm afraid if I started that I could get lost in it. It seems easy to do. I keep thinking this has to get better, it has to improve, then I realize there is only one thing that can do that. The one and only thing that could fix this is not going to happen....ever. and here I am...stuck. My only joy is watching Savannah grow. She is amazing.

THON 2009

I wrote that last night in a moment of complete and total despair...not that I don't still feel that way but I can fake it better in the daylight I think. And I do have other good things besides Savannah. Danny and my family and of course great friends but Savannah is the main thing that keeps me going and keeps me here. I don't want to miss what happens next!

Wow look at that potential :)

So anyway. Oh, a story from THON. A father came up to me in the family lounge and said he had found my blog. His son's name is Thomas Smith and when he googled it Jed's blog came up. He said there are weird similarities. Like sitting with his legs crossed, he is blond, was diagnosed at 4, with exactly the same thing. It was very nice of him to take the time to say something. I told his son that only cool people have that name. I told the father that not everything will be similar. His little blond boy will be fine. I had 2 other mothers tell me that they felt they knew me because they read this sometimes. It's funny to hear that, I really do not know why anyone would now that Jed is gone....but I am glad they do. It's got to be depressing though.
We saw Dr. Comito...or as Jackson called her, Dr. Mito. Her daughter, Kristen, stayed all night to make sure Savannah was ok. How sweet was that? Kristen will be in Happy Valley in the fall as a freshman. Dr. Khan was there, yes I love my Dr. Khan. I didn't even bring up his leaving....I cried enough with everything else going on. Dr. Ungar was there too. He took the time to tell Savannah he thought she was doing great things and he took the time to tell me how wonderful he thought she was. I appreciate that. Very much. He was rocking the BK crown. Have to get a pic, think Savannah has one...or Danny.

Danny and Jed


This is the group that was on their feet for 46 hours in memory of Jed and Jaz, Jackson and Jenn


Me and Jed's Holly

My tribute to our Hershey angels and a special one from Australia

That's all for now. I have 2 mid-terms next week and of course I missed the review. Thank god for an awesome woman named Sharon who was kind enough to make sure I got all the info I could possibly have. Sometimes I am overwhelmed by others kindness.
I think I am getting better. I have been up more than I have been in bed. My chest just hurts. Anyway, with chicken and dumplings from Mom and cupcakes from Gracie I am on the mend. I have no idea what this was but it was not fooling around! I have had little colds and what not but I have not been sick like this in years. Poor Danny has the hacking cough but thank god not all the other fun. Thanks for the well wishes and the food!
Baby Jed... Mommy Loves you forever and ever...I have so much to say but it is the same thing I always say...I miss you
Love J & K
Oh and Aunt Mindy keeps her record going strong..she has never missed a THON!!

I will write something coherent soon. just not right now. 8 years of treatment, the last 3 of which were more inpatient than out & 9 THONS, none of us have ever come home from either place sick..including Jed. Now this year I am so sick it's ridiculous. Yes I got it from THON...and found out through other parents that there were in contact with someone inpatient that has "influenza". I feel when I write that word it should echo or something. Anyway so did I really get this from the hospital through THON...that almost makes me laugh..but I can't because I am shaking and sick. Of course the twisted part of my mind is happy to be down 9 lbs since Friday...how ridiculous.
anyway I am no coherent but when i am I will tell more about the awesome weekend and some of the people we saw. Right now I am going back to the crazy cold med induced dreams. The one I had last night was my father carrying me around, I was skinny and had short hair, wearing Jed's t-shirt and I was waving and laughing...weird. Even if I was very skinny dad uses a cane so that would be a bit difficult to pull off! ok enough

there a cute picture of Jed makes everything better.
Jeddie my love........weird dreams man...and I am eating a Jed diet right now. Coke, Frosted Flakes dry in a mug, apple dumpling, a few bites of Mommo's chicken and dumplings and of course the most awesome food invented ever...rice krispie treats.
Peace out baby Jed
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Hey all,

I have a bunch of stories about THON but I feel kinda crappy right now so here are the highlights...and if you want much better ones go to Savannah's blog.

Total? wait for it....wait for it....

$9,563,016.09

yes that says 9 million!!!! Unreal.
Our family, Gamma Phi / Acacia moved up to 4th place. They raised $158,785.89. GammAcacia OWNS THON!!!! Our org is the best there is. They are showing everyone how to do it right. We love them so so much.
The Overall Committee did an incredible job. and then there is Family Relations, FR....there is no way to describe your awesomeness!!!!

Our Dancers :) FTJ's


Here is Savannah's Family Hour Speech....

Thank you to everyone. Jed is bursting with pride. Thank you.
Sharing Sunday with Trish and Pete was icing on the cake. So glad you guys came. All of our J's felt the love we were sending them.
Marianne, I took Ani to THON with me. :)
Janiece, we love you and are missing you so much. It was a wonderful tribute to an incredible woman. I am proud to say you are my friend.

Ok, enough for now. I managed to bring the flu home from THON..yay me. I missed all my classes today....UGH

Baby Jed, saying I miss you sounds stupid. It is so much bigger than that. THON without you is really really hard but I see your smile everywhere.
Mommy loves you..........always
Love J & K

Wakey Wakey Eggs and Bakey



THON is coming THON is coming THON is coming



Jed looks tired in this picture...THON is exhausting...even if you get to sleep!
I have stressed myself right into fever blister and I am more scattered than normal...I know, holy crap. This has been a long a@# 2 weeks or so. Last Wednesday I managed to write 3 pages for English....answering the wrong question. The paper I handed in Monday I got back today, I still got an A but I was so tired when I was writing it that I answerd a question with, " I have no clue, so I am going to guess." My professor wrote on my paper, "You have fallen from grace, everything was excellent until this paragraph." Lovely
But let me tell you about the BIG fun..So in my logic class, which is packed by the way, I am the only person, out of about 30, that is over the age of 25. I try to just keep my head down and do what I need to do. So today, my head is down, I am taking notes on the lecture and he asks, "how many people are positive there is an afterlife." Well I raised my hand without thinking. I realized he was asking me a question. I looked up and he says, " I have never had anyone say they knew 100 % that there was an afterlife, care to explain why you think that. OH Shit. " I was so stunned I started to cry. LOVELY...dear god it was horrible. At least I was quiet! He was nice and asked, "do you mind if we discuss why you feel this way?" I just kept shaking my head no, vigorously. I couldn't talk without falling apart. So me, the person trying to keep a low profile, managed to stop the lecture cold and end the class early. YAY..shoot me. As we were all leaving the little girl behind me asked if I was ok and I nearly took her head off. Gotta apologize on Monday...more fun. The prof did stop me on the way out to say he was sorry. It was not his fault at all I raised my hand without thinking and then I was taken off guard. I have to prepare myself to talk about Jed in front of people that do not know me. I DO NOT want to cry and try to talk...it's ugly..and pitiful. and of course I have been more of a mess lately with THON coming. UGH!!!! Needless to say I am NOT looking forward to going back on Monday. Good God
Then I got to English and the prof there tells me "I have fallen from grace." Oh and whenever I answer a question it is WRONG!!!! and that's what he says, "NO, wrong." I keep telling myself to not answer questions...think I got it now. My last class, the 3 hr one was ok but he was telling stories, which are interesting, but dear god cut the stories in half and we could leave at 8 instead of 9. So definitely one long A@# day. So glad to be home, at my kitchen table where all is well.....or at least no one screws with my bubble of denial.
Enough of me back to THON...I just don't know how I will be. I am hoping the me I know shows up. The one that does not cry, the one that just takes it all in without adding to the drama....it's not looking too likely that anyone will see that Kristin this weekend. Fun Fun HAHAHAHAHA I love how I said, "enough of me back to THON," but all I did was talk about me! It's all about me here.
Savannah leaves tomorrow and Danny and I will go up on Friday. I am waiting for my itinerary from the overly organized mind of Fred.



We will be ready to party.

Oh My Jed Man.....dear lord it was a long day! And when my prof in my last class starting talking about a collection of Hess trucks being marital property I laughed so hard I was crying again! Thanks Dork. Oh I miss you so so so much. Get ready, we THON in a day and a half!
Mommy Loves you sweet potato
Love J & K

I'm tired and have stressed myself right into a fever blister. I am not perky enough to talk. I do want to give you a THON fact;
Aunt Mindy has been to every THON since we started going. Aunt Mindy Rocks. Ok now here is a video. It's Jed at THON.



After I stopped filming Jed started to direct everyone. He would tell them all to wait, then he would count to 3 and yell throw and everyone would throw the balls up at the same time. I wish I had videoed that.

Good night baby Jed.....oh Jeddie.....
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

This week I think will be a little THON flash back. 5 days until we THON. Savannah is writing up my itinerary. I have to be in certain places at certain times with certain types of food and drink.
I had kind of a mini panic attack this evening.....but I think it's more about my test than my itinerary. I also think it's just the thought of going to THON. I guess, I have no idea. I had about 10 mins where I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me. I was studying and I started to shake (more than normal) then I had that thing I used to always have where I can't get a deep breath. It was very odd. But it left. Dumb. Oh the Drama!!!!
Anyway, THON is looming....always exciting and now, extremely painful. I have to keep telling myself that this was Jed's favorite place on earth and he would not want us to be anywhere else. So of course we will be at THON. We will THON for Jed and our J's. Which of course includes Janiece. We will have a great time.

Enough of my crap, here's some pictures.....

Thon 2009


I don't know if this was our first or second THON but it's Jed and Dr. Ungar


THON 2008

I was looking all through my pictures trying to find 2007, then I realized that was the one we missed. Savannah and my parents were there but Jed, Dan and I were at Hershey Med.


THON 2006 Yes that is Jed in there...weirdo..

I'll leave you with that wonderful picture. I'll have to scan in THON pictures earlier than 2006. They are not on the computer. Gotta get on that.

Jeddie, love. I took you yellow tulips yesterday. I'm sure they froze and fell over but they looked so nice for that brief moment. Yellow tulips in the snow. Danny dug me a hole and buried the vase. I'll get something better this week. I love you. Go to school with me tomorrow and help me with this logic test. I am missing you so much I can't even talk about it, so much worse now. I hope it is sunny and warm where you are and the yellow tulips are not frozen.
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Beautiful People, Beautiful Days....



THON is coming...... THON is coming......
Next week at this time we will be submersed in the wild, all consuming world of THON. I am excited, as always but also nervous. Last year I was so numb, I barely cried. Just a little bit here and there. I spent most of my time looking for Jed, wondering if he was hungry, tired, needed to sit, needed a drink or if I had to rescue someone from his love of squirt guns. That was the unbearable part. Being there, in Jed's favorite place.....with no Jed. Being numb was a blessing. My stomach has been hurting for 2 weeks worrying if I will again be numb...I really hope so. (my stomach hurting doesn't stop me from eating...so no backhanded benefit) This will be the Cope's 1st THON, they will learn THON in Jaz's memory. It will be difficult, Jaz was so geared up to be there, it was her ONLY wish. Her brother's will have a ball & all the love in that place will hold us up. We will celebrate our children and all they have given and continue to give. Aaahhh the emotional overload.
On top of that you add Savannah dancing & speaking....now my stomach really hurts. Thank god she has so many THON vets that come and take care of her. She and Brianna will be in good hands.
Meanwhile Savannah is in media mode. Interviews, emails, she really is a Rock Star. Whoever would have thought I could have 2 such amazing kids. Wow, pretty cool. I just stand back and watch her do her thing knowing that it's her talent and hard work, her drive and ambition, and Jed's guiding light shining on her. Jed loves his sister being in the spotlight. and I love that through her, Jed will never be forgotten. She is amazing.
Well now I have to go do more homework. There is a lot...oh yipee :) No Dean's list for me this semester....but that is more than fine. I just want to get through.
So I will leave you with some video entertainment, my son and my father, trash talking about their BOWLING skills...no really...



Jed, it's not getting any easier...just harder. I sometimes cannot believe it could be...and then a new day comes and it is harder, the missing is bigger.....everyday.
THON is coming Mr. Rock Star!

Mommy Loves You ...forever
Love J & K

Oh Jeddie......



Missing you....so much.
Mommy Loves You Forever
Love J & K

I wish.... I wish.....

Congratulations Staff Sergeant Sheppard

Devil Dog Brew is proud of your service. Staff Sergeant Tony Sheppard is in Iraq on his first deployment. SSgt Sheppard joined the Corps when he was 18 and is now serving as part of the Reserves some 20 years later. His wife sent us this nomination and shared with us how great of a husband, father, and role model SSgt Sheppard has been to family and friends. We know your family misses you and can tell from the nomination just how proud they are of you and how supportive they are of your service to our country. Devil Dog Brew will keep you in our prayers. Our hearty congratulations to you and thank you for your service!

With Utmost Respect ~ Semper Fi,
Major Hank Salmans, USMC (Retired)

This guy is my cousin Kimberley's husband. While he is fighting in Iraq Kimmy and the kids are holding down the home front. An AMAZING family.

If you'd like to send him some goodies, coffee, or just a note here is his address;
SSgt Sheppard, 100 COB Speicher, Attn: Unit 3, APO AE 09393


That's all I've got for tonight. Here is some eye candy for ya...




Jeddie, my heart aches, I miss you more everyday. THON is coming up, I am excited that Savannah is dancing and speaking but being there without you is so, so hard. The funny thing is, it would be harder to NOT be there. Look over all the kids that are fighting and suffering. Give Eli extra strength so he can come home quick.

Mommy Loves You ...forever
Love J & K

My Chunka Love :)




How insanely, over the top cute is this guy?
We met Trish, Pete and my Chunka today for lunch/dinner. It was so great to see them. Have I mentioned how much we love this family? Yes, I have....but we really love them.



Oh he is SOOOOO much fun.
Seeing them today was a nice ray of light in this crappy grayness. I am so tired of this weather. I have missed a bit of school though. I am like a 5th grader....loving those "snow days." The difference is I still get work to do, they email it. I have a bit more to do tomorrow and I should be caught up. Then I have the reading, I never would have thought that reading would be what I dislike the most.....weird. I do feel a bit better about school, not thrilled and not completely sold on the paralegal deal BUT my family law class started Wednesday and I liked it. The professor is great, normal and has great stories from his own private practice. At least I have one class that won't be total torture.

I made our annual "THON" bracelets. Jed and I started making bracelets four years ago. For two years he and I strung beads and tied knots. Last year I sat in bed mindlessly making bracelets on my own. It was helpful to just sit and think if nothing but "put the bead on the string". This year I used stretchy cord. Not sure how that will work. I would have kept making them but I ran out of letters. :) Hope I have enough. They are black with red stars this year.

Savannah has started getting her THON stuff together. A tube of Ben Gay, tennis balls....all the necessary stuff...lots of socks too.

I am watching Wayne's World on SNL.....yay! Yes, I love them, now it's out there. No comments please.

March 6th, tomorrow, Jackson will be gone 3 years. I do not understand. The why's surrounding all of it just cannot be comprehended. The heartbreak cannot be measured and the ache of missing cannot be erased no matter how much time passes.

I remember this day so clearly. Jackson was finished with treatment and going home. Jed and I were so happy.
We love Jackson very much & Jed thought he was the coolest kid ever. Jed loved to tell the story of how we met him. He came running out of 7west and tried to get on the elevator. Thank god the door closed before he could get it! Then Pete came running out calling Jackson. It was funny. Jackson was not only super busy all the time he was awesomely smart and over the top sweet. He used to go up and down the hall knocking on doors and giving out gifts to the other kids. He loves Scooby Doo and the music therapy program at Hershey Med. We miss you Jackson.

Jeddie love, say hi to Jackson for me, give him a hug. I saw our Chunka Love today. Oh Jed he is getting so big, and cuter every time I see him. I am missing you so so much.
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

IT'S OFFICIAL!!!
Savannah and Brianna are Dancing In THON 2011
for
Jenn Bailey, Jackson Smith, Jed Smith & Jazmine Cope



FTJ's

We are so proud and happy. Remember you can watch all the fun streamed live Feb 18th, 19th and 20th at http://www.thon.org/

Thank you to everyone for your continued love and support. Without all your help this would not be happening.



Jed hanging out at his favorite place....

Jeddie, I wish I could wish you home.I miss you so so much. 13 months, how can that be? I will never be able to comprehend it.
Mommy Loves You.....forever
Love J & K

Today the 3rd was a good day. I could picture you dancing all around, making up a silly song about Savannah dancing. Oh Jed

Shoes and attitude...what more do you need?

Smile at that because all I am doing is complaining...just a warning in case you want to leave now :)

What have I done? This whole legal studies thing is so not fun. I do not like it. Maybe I will like it better tomorrow after I check out my Family Law class. The class I dislike the most is the basis of what my career will be when I finish....oh dear god. Research and Writing...I have only had 1 class and I hate it. I just finished 3 hrs of homework and I still have 5 chapters to read. I really need someone to tell me what job I will like and what I need to do to get that job. I do not want to work in a lawyer's office, that I am sure of. What the hell am I doing? I have no clue. UGH, this sucks.
So anyway, on the sucky list, Danny stopped to pick up my wellbutrin prescription tonight (that was nice of him and wasn't the sucky part). Awhile back I had it filled and I had not hit my deductible yet so I had to pay the whole total. It was a bit over $300.00 for 3 months. Today when he picked it up it was $679.00......I nearly choked when he brought it in. I was so upset I can't even tell you. I want to stop taking it but right now is not a great time. Anyway, I called and asked why is was more than double the price it was last time I had to pay out of pocket. Now this blew my mind because I never knew this but if you have insurance even if you haven't hit your deductible you get a discount. I never knew this. So now that I have no insurance the price more than doubles...how sick is that? The girl told me to come in and that they had a discount card for people that do not have insurance. Danny and I went right up, they refunded the $679.00, gave me the discount and it was only $279.00. A $400.00 discount...holy crap. So that was un-sucky...and very much appreciated but how sick is it that you get charged double when you have no insurance? We are the only developed nation in the WORLD where people go bankrupt because of medical bills and people don't take needed medication because they cannot afford it. That is ridiculous. I want to move to the Netherlands or Sweden. To add to that fun I had to pay double the quoted amount per month for Savannah's new policy because she takes migraine medicine.
Today was one of those days when I almost wished myself back in factory hell, my insurance sucked there but at least I had some, I got a pay check and I didn't have to worry about the fact that I hate what I am studying. I could just not think at all. Go to work, come home, eat and sleep. Get up and go to work. No thinking involved.
I wonder what I can do with a degree in "legal studies". They have an accelerated BS program for Crime, Law and Justice through Albright college right from the school I go to now. If I do that I might finish by the time I turn 50 and I will have a huge stack of student loans instead of just a smaller huge stack. I will definitely have to go find a job WAY before that anyway. I want to work with kids....I think, but I do not want to be a teacher. A school counselor would be great except I would need at least a masters in Psychology and that is not happening. Whatever, I will figure it out somehow. Now I am just rambling. All day doing homework will do that. I did Logic homework for 4 hrs....stupid.
Here is something that makes everyone feel better...while breaking your heart at the same time. I put this video on FaceBook last night. I don't usually watch videos of Jed, I really cannot handle it but I needed to hear his voice so badly....I found this;



That is his baby, he loves her so. I love watching them look at each other.

These last 2 days have been worse than normal for whatever reason...and my normal is pretty F'd up. I am tired of being without him. Just sick of it.
I sent in my papers to volunteer at his school once a week or so but I haven't heard anything. Maybe they won't want me! I am only slightly unstable...just slightly.
My day classes are canceled for tomorrow but my night class is still scheduled. Today my school closed at 4:30 and my class started at 6pm...yay.
Ok, I am finished my pity party....for now.
We are waiting for the official word that Savannah and Shuma are dancing in THON. The lottery drawing is tomorrow night...we hope to know by Thursday.
If you read her blog she posted their total at registration. Ready? Drum roll...and in the words of Jed, "wait for it, wait for it....oh yeah baby" $17,919.15 how freakin' cool is that?? They are hardcore THONers.
Ok, I am finished running on.

Baby Jed...I wish I had words to describe how I feel every moment of every day. The missing is so big it covers everything. If I start to think about how long I have to wait to see you I get a bit panicky. I have to make myself not go there....because it is so sickening. Please hug our J's. We are missing you all so much. A hug for Ani, for Marianne, I know she is living the missing too.
Mommy loves you sweet potato.forever
Love J & K