Sunday, October 31, 2010

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Jed and Jase...Jase will soon have a little brother to torture as Jed tortured him :)
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"I a Puppy"
i a puppy

I am supposed to be working on my business law presentation....I am having issues focusing...what a shocker. I have to get it finished it is due the 10th. Then I have to get my environmental science presentation finished before we leave for St. Croix because it is due as soon as I get home...but like I said...focusing seems to be a problem. Missing Jed is a huge distraction.
Savannah and I went to Hope for Cope bingo today. All money raised goes to Jaz and her family. Savannah won for "sexist" costume. She wore her flash dance get-up. As for actual bingo prizes.....we won zip. Hospital bingo is way better....they keep playing until everyone wins :). We now are proud owners of our own "dabbers" so we might have to venture out and try "cash" bingo somewhere! We heard though that the "regulars" at the bingo places can be harsh....nothing like a beat down from an 80 yr old with a bag of different colored "dabbers". we are tough ....we might have to go try.
That's all for now. Just trying to keep it all together and keep moving forward. I hate it.
I did get a new winter coat..whoohoo! I am 41 yrs old and my parents bought me a "school coat" so I would be warm... :)

This is Danny....having story time in bed....
dan and bears

Oh Jeddie. I wanted to come home from bingo and tell you bingo stories...I know you would have been making fun of Fred and I. I am missing you, it is so big and so overwhelming that it is hard to concentrate on anything else. Keep an eye on Jaz. Mommy loves you baby Jed
Love J & K

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Happy Halloween.....not really

jed pumpkin

We did get to see Livi the puppy...then the three of us went to dinner. We got home a few minutes before trick or treat ended. Some extra lovely person put battery operated candles in my Jed pumpkin...thank you so very much. That was a wonderful thing to do for us. It meant a lot that someone made sure it was lit. Jed so LOVED hanging on the porch handing out candy and then running across the street to the church to grab a free hot dog with warm cider. I mean he really really loved it.
Hayley looked sad sitting on her porch giving out candy with just the pumpkin on our porch instead of her buddy Jed. :(
That was way harder than I expected. Seeing that pumpkin, lit up on a dark porch was beyond heartbreaking. Why is that all I get now? Everything is dark....but in that dark.....is the warm glow of our memories of Jed. Beautiful and completely devastating at the same time.
Thanks again to whoever put the battery candles in our pumpkin.
Jed....I hope all your friends saw your pumpkin and a nice memory they hold of you surfaced for a moment. My heart is breaking...how it can be possible that there is anything left to break I don't know. Mommy Loves You Big Jed
Love J & K

Friday, October 29, 2010

Cancer fundraiser a success - The York Daily Record

Cancer fundraiser a success - The York Daily Record
this was supposed to go up last night...not sure what happened...weird

What up Buttercup??

2002

Jed...mommy misses you so very much....and Mommy Loves You... more than sunshine and chocolate
Love J & K

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Jed & Fred with their "cupcake" :)

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I'm tired...I have things I would like to bitch about but I won't..ok, maybe I will...at least the school stuff. To the 2 women behind me in PLGL101...STOP TALKING...I know that is mean, but I so do not care about your accounting degree, or your job hunting or how you are so over qualified...I do not care. To the woman in environ science class that wanted to know what my grade was...it is NOT an A because he "likes me" more. It's a freakin' A because I studied and you have an F because you can't shut up and your dumb as a stone. oh and when you told me that the prof just cannot handle that you have an opinion and he is flunking you because you "speak your mind" I stared at you with that blank look because at first I thought you were kidding...and when I realized you were not I was trying not to laugh. No the class is not hard. So glad you dropped, now I do not have to hear your inane, completely irrelevant comments anymore. Buh Bye.
Haaaa, feel a bit lighter now. I will not go into any bitching about an issue I discussed last night... maybe just a word or two. I know you meant well....but you have no idea. There is no hate..just complete apathy. I have no regrets, I know I did everything I could plus some, as to if others can say that, that is an issue they have live with. Ok, I am finished. I probably should not have written any of that but.... oh well. I feel better and it is my blog...so good, all better now.

Everyone sing a happy song now....just kidding....don't, I might hit you. I think I could possibly need some sleep. I am so excited to go to the dentist in the morning. Whoohoo I should add a stop at the grocery store just to top off the fun.
Ahh, my sweet funny guy.
Jed61

I am missing you Jeddie. This evening I am just ticked that I cannot have you here. Pointless I know but...that's me today. UGH. I hope it is sunny and warm and shiny and you are happy and having fun doing all the things on your "list"..plus many, many more. I do not wish you home....I wish you happy..and I know you are. Mommy Loves You Sweet Pea
Love J & K

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

I am posting this picture for a few different reasons.....check it out
snack before the trek to THON
Ok, reason # 1 Jed is flipping hysterical.....Just Jed being Jed
2nd..the picture of me is yucky but HOLY CRAP how can I look so much older in just 4 years. I look SOOOOO young....ugh
and 3rd check out the mirror in the picture..... that mirror does NOT have a crack in it and there is nothing hanging in front of it...anyone have any explanations? Weird....
This picture was taken on a Thursday evening. We were heading to State College a day early for THON 06 because it was supposed to snow a lot!!! I don't even remember if it did.
Again...check out Jed...
snack before the trek to THON
Funny kid

I feel like I ran around all day and got nothing accomplished. But I think we did get a few things done. Beck...hope you had a good birthday and thanks giving me something pleasant to think of on the dreaded 10/25.

Congrats to Meg, Jer and Jase who will be adding to their fam in March ;)

We are now collecting used cell phones, mp3 players, ink cartridges, old laptops, digital cameras...all can be broken or operating. This is a recycling fundraiser to help us get our foundation off the ground. We need to raise the money to do all the paperwork and such. So if you have any old electronics & empty ink cartridges hanging around send them to us! :)

Jed...oh my Jeddie love. You are so spectacular. Being your mom is the best gift anyone has ever been given. I am missing you desperately. Keep an eye on Jaz. Mommy Loves You baby Jed
Love J & K

Monday, October 25, 2010

20 years, You have been gone as long as you were here. We were only friends for a few short years but the imprint you left on my life is beyond measure. When I made the decision to let Jed go...I was giving him to you. My first thought was that I knew he would be ok because you were there and you would take care of him. I'm sure you have become great pals, trading smart ass comments and reveling in your mutual favorite color. I'm sure Jed is not wearing red pumps though. Probably red converse or crocs. When I had to make that horrible decision to stop Jed's treatment I remember thinking that you had been gone almost 20 years and I still cry when I say your name. You were my friend and I miss you that much.....this is my child, how will I survive? Then the the beautiful, comforting thought that you were there, waiting and ready for him calmed me. I see your mother's pain from a whole new place now. Never, when we were kids, did I ever imagine I would one day be able to understand the hell your mom is living. My Jed's passing was so similar to yours that I knew what to expect. I knew what would happen, it was almost identical. What your mom has endured....it is more than should be expected from one person. How is your brother? I bet he and Jed get along very well too. Renee Ann Tompkins, when you were sick I prayed to change places with you, I begged to please let it be me and not you...but I stayed and you left. I did the same all those years Jed was sick. I just wanted to trade places with him, please, just let me be sick and not him....but again, I stayed and he left. Take good care of my son.

This is a pretty yucky date. Renee left us on 10/25/1990 and my grandfather picked the same day in 1994. They ONLY positive thought is that they were there, with Renee's brother Marc and my other Grandfather to make sure that Jed was not scared and is happy and safe. Other than that,,,,there is not a damn good thing about it. This day SUCKS....just sucks.
Renee this picture is for you....see what you are missing...chuckle....
photoadam
MY brother, the Fairie, cowgirl, Jedi warrior. YeeHaw.

So on to something better. Savannah and I are working on the details of The Jedediah Thomas Smith Foundation. I need your help. if ANYONE has ANY art that Jed has sent them over the years can you scan it in and send it to me? We are specificly looking for trees, sun, stars, that kind of stuff. Of course all I have, except for the stuff he did very young, are rows and rows of cheat codes. We are trying to design a logo. I want a tree, a star and a J..maybe a sun. SOOO if anyone has some Jed art work please email me a copy of it. Also..if ANYONE has any ideas they would like to draw up and send to us that would be great too. Really any ideas would be cool to have so we just have other perspectives.

The Jedediah Thomas Smith Childhood Cancer Foundation
.......................... Fighting for a Cure.............................


The Jedediah Thomas Smith Memorial Foundation
.......................Fighting Childhood Cancer
....................

See we need some ideas. Whenever I ask questions on here no one answers so HEY....just email me anything that pops into your head...or any logo you think up, and of course any "Jed art" you may have. cancersuckskdsj@gmail.com...that's me. We have big plans but cannot go forward until we get this settled. Having exactly the right logo and name is hugely important to me. Help

check out Bo-peep in the mirror.... Halloween 2008
bopeep in the mirror

Halloween 2007....
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Jed, you know what I'm going to say...this sucks...I miss you and it just gets worse and worse. Tell Renee to let you drive the Fire Bird! Mommy Loves you funny guy.
Love J & K

Sunday, October 24, 2010

This was the first canning weekend of the THON 2011 season.
Savannah and Bri canned outside The Great American Saloon Saturday eve and in front of Lion's Pride this morning.
Liv was "helping" yesterday...
savannah liv canning

canningsr

This will be the first year in many that we have not hosted a canning trip. Last year we hosted but Jed and I were not here :( ...and it snowed like hell so everyone had to leave early anyway. Jed's fave parts of canning trips are trips to the bowling alley on Saturday nights, pizza with the kids and of course COUNTING THE MONEY!!!

Nothing like a garbage bag full of money and lots of friends watching the game with us. .......It's so hard to think that we only have memories now...
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Oh and another great canning weekend thing....doing past line dances in the living room....
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The sun shines so brightly on those wonderful memories. I don't care what people say....for me..looking back is NOT a bad way to live. My sunny, shiny days are back there. I'm sure as Savannah continues to do amazing things and her life plays out there will be many, many beautiful moments...but there will be no moments as sweet as when we were a team of three...and then when we added Dan to be a team of four. We will always be a circle that is not complete.

Danny and I saw the movie Hereafter today. It was good. I really liked it.

I am doing some data entry stuff for Habitat for Humanity, volunteer. It is easy and I get to practice my excel stuff....but it is SOOOO tedious. I know why they wanted a volunteer to do it!!!
I also have to get this business law project finished. I present on November 4th. UGH. It has kind of morphed into the thing about parents that choose prayer OVER medical care...and other religious issues that interfere with children getting medical care. I just want it to be OVER!!!
I miss you Jed, it is just almost too much. Everyday is harder than the day before.....oh Jed....Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Saturday, October 23, 2010

11 years ago yesterday I started working at Harley Davidson. So many many things have happened it those 11 years. It almost is unbelievable.

Jed's 1st Halloween....
Jed149

Danny and I spent the afternoon at a music festival. It was fun. The peach wine at Naylors is no where near as good as Moon Dancer's!
We left there about 5pm and met Mom, Dad and Livi Mac for dinner. Savannah and Brianna were canning at the Saloon so I took Liv down to say hi. I went back to Adam's with Mom and Liv to hang out until Adam and Tiersa got home. I must have picked Liv up and thrown her into her bean bag chair 10,000 times. She danced and jumped with her fairy wings, a pink cowboy hat and a light saber....funny kid. We also plugged in her HUGE blow up cat.....
cat
Mom and i went to the Lancaster Metaphysical Chapel last night. A medium I had never heard of was there. Her name is Verna. Very nice girl. She used the first part of the evening to lead a meditation....if you know my mom you know that is not her favorite thing! She doesn't even like to close her eyes in a setting she doesn't know well!! I spent most of the meditation time waiting fore her to ask me for the car keys. She did ok though and of course her dad was there, front and center, ready to go! The medium described a man that was spot on for Granddad and she said to mom, "this is your dad". Then after getting quite a few correct points with mom she asked me if I had been taking care of someone that took a lot of medications. Jeddie was there. It was pretty cool. It was very interesting because some of the people there were "learning" and it was cool that they even got some things right. It was a cool evening. The 29th Francine will be there and I am taking my Dad...this should be interesting. I think Dan's one visit to a medium was enough for him. It's Dad's turn!

Thanks Jeddie for being there last night. I am missing you terribly. Mommy Loves You So VERY much baby Jed
Love J & k
oh these boys. DJ...always ready to be funny :) love them...
Jed35

more tomorrow....well, I guess later today!
Thank you Jeddie for being there to talk to me tonight. Mommy Loves you
Love J & K

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Halloween is almost here. Last year was so fun...this year...not so much....

halloween 2002

We got our second T-Shirt order. We are missing one shirt but should get it soon. We will be sending them out as soon as possible.
I managed to drag myself to the treadmill today. I realized that my back and butt were hurting from sitting too much....that is not good. I will try to get on it occasionally but I am not going to feel stressed about it...no really..I won't.

Jeddie....I am missing you more than ever. It is still so very hard to believe that your sweet funny little self is not in your room watching Family Guy. When that reality hits it just destroys me. Mommy Loves You so very much...
Love J & K

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Thank you to everyone that ate ROMA'S pizza today, thank you to everyone at ROMA'S and thank you to Mrs. Bream and the Mazie Gable students for remembering Jed by collecting money for the leukemia and lymphoma society. I am so appreciative that you are keeping his memory alive. He really loved his school.

Nothing like a good back scratch....


Goodnight baby Jed. Missing you.....just sooo missing you. Mommy Loves You sweet potato
Love J & K

Tuesday, October 19, 2010



GO EAT PIZZA TOMORROW AT ROMA'S in RED LION!!!!!! 417-2835
Save your receipts, send them to Mazie Gable Elementary and 15% goes to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in JED'S name!!!!!

Pizza...the food of the angels :)

I made the banana bread ....at 11:30 last night. Two loaves....they are gone now. It was pretty yummy.
Oh Jeddie.....Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Wednesday..ALL DAY.... at Roma's pizza in Red Lion..EAT there! Save your receipt, send it to Mazie Gable and 15% goes to Gable, they are giving it to the Leukemia and Lymphoma society...in memory of Jed..............717-417-2835 they deliver! Help the kids honor Jed and in true Jed fashion....help them help others. I am putting the number in my phone and ordering on the way home from school...don't make me food mom...I'm gettin' pizza !!!

Ok, look....I have nothing against breast cancer awareness. I have some people that I really love that have battled this disease.. a couple while they were taking care of kids with cancer....I would never want to take anything away from breast cancer awareness. BUT....I do not know one woman....NOT ONE..that would put herself before a child. So, why is September not Gold everywhere like October is pink? Pink ribbons on toilet paper, yogurt, cars, all professional sports. Everywhere you can imagine there are pink ribbons. I don't want them to go away I just want the kids to get at least that amount of attention (and funding)... to turn everything in September Gold. That's it on that for now....but we will discuss it again...soon :)

Fearless.....
Jed243

I don't think I did so well on my exam. I think I did the thing I always got on Jed's case about.......I did not read the question thoroughly...and I'm pretty sure I wrote a long A$# paragraph on the wrong freakin thing. I cannot tell you how much I stressed to Jed the importance of reading the entire question, ALL the way through, before answering it........DUH. Oh well. My scatteredness...that I must battle while doing this school stuff....took over today. I also forgot my book for computer class. The one class where I MUST have my book. On the shiny side, I was home by 3:30 today :) No use waiting 2 1/2 hrs for a class I couldn't take without my book...oh darn. I have spent the last couple of hours doing what I would have done in class and just for the record... excel sucks. I was lucky enough to score a cheat sheet make by a lovely PSU alum who is now a math teacher :). I will take any help that I can get.

Jed134

Yes I know my pictures have no relation to what I am writing. But really what am I writing...not much!
Thanks Peg for the comments and yes Savannah Renee has been destined for amazing things before she even made an appearance....she has an extremely strong force behind her :)
My lovely friend Becky told me a while back that my babies will change the world. I truly believe that....at least our portion of this world. I don't know how or why I got them....but I'm not arguing! I am very lucky.

I am trying VERY hard to be just a little more upbeat...ugh can you feel the strain?... :) I better go before the real me escapes and starts whining...I mean writing.


Missing you...I have been looking at these brown bananas for days now. I want to make banana bread but you are the only one I know who makes amazing banana bread. I hate to throw them out...but I am not sure if I can bring myself to try. I will look at them for another day.This love we have, you and I, it is too strong for earthly explanations. I feel you here. Mommy Loves You
Love J & k

Please send some cosmic strength to a set parents that lost their son to cancer a few years ago...and lost their other son to a drunk driver a couple of days ago...really? yes really
I will apologize in advance for the pictures I am stealing from Savannah.
Today was THON 5K..... here is Savannah and her Pappaw
thon5k2010

Jaz and her family made it to Happy Valley today. Seeing the pictures of her carving pumpkins and being at the Acacia house is bittersweet. I am so so happy she is doing well. I am blown away by how great she looks. Please don't ever think I am not 100% thrilled to see those pictures....but they are very difficult to look at. All the years that Jed spent this day carving pumpkins and hanging out..

THON 5K 2008
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THON 5k 2009

I am not sure why I can't find more pictures from last year's 5k...I wonder where they are?

Jaz at Acacia house THON 5k 2010
thon5k 2010 pumpkins

So anyway....as usual....my heart is breaking and I am missing my kid. Sometimes I want to scream and throw things. Here is my 2 second pity party...THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANT. I hate those people on TV saying "just envision the life you want and it can happen....F-you... you have no clue what you are talking about. Ok I'm finished
I better go study...I have an exam in the morning.

Savnnnah with Jaz.....
srn jaz thon5k2010
Is it me or does Savannah look like a star, even from the back, in a ponytail?! I can't wait to see what great things are coming for her. It's the reason I keep waking up.

Missing you funny guy. Jed, Mommy Loves You...always...
Love J & K

Saturday, October 16, 2010


Oh yeah...everyone needs a little Yellow Laa-Laa in their life sometimes. Jed's first word was "wellow" which went right to "wellow waa waa".


Ok, back to reality..oh no wait, that's not where I live...anyway....I worked at the salon today with the lovely Alecia Pandolfi. Ok so I didn't really work, I curled. Today was homecoming for 4 schools in the area and she was pretty busy. I did the curling, she did the magic! AP is extremely good at what she does. Really no one better. Thanks for the distraction, fun, and usefulness (or at least the illusion of). It was great. Savannah stopped in for a bit and then she headed out...up to Happy Valley. THON 5k is tomorrow. Nana, Pappaw, Mindy and Savannah always are Jed's escorts for this event...every year Pappaw runs. This will be their 1st time without him. Super hard...and heartbreaking. After I finished at Alecia's and Savannah headed for PSU I came home and got a glimpse of what my life will be like next year. Danny was out riding and no one was here...just me with nothing to do. Well I mean I could have cleaned or studied or something industrious...but that's not me. I took a 20 min nap and went out to do one of the only things that makes me feel ok when I am alone...shopped. I know, I know not a pass time an unemployed person needs to indulge in but I needed a fall bag...really. I have an awesome big GUESS bag I used last year but it is still packed with things from life with Jed...bags of meds, queasy pops, band aids..gum..just full of what my life WAS and I cannot bring myself to go through it or even just empty it. So that's the reason for a new bag. I went to TJ Maxx, I tried to be reasonable. (I thought of you Trish). I did not order the $500 bag that I have been drooling over online. I spent 79.00 on a $160.00 bag. I like it..I think. It is not my usual big "statement" bag...more neutral. OMG I just realized I typed and ENTIRE paragraph about my bag....so very pathetic. Ok, I got boots too.
Danny came home while I was out "self-medicating". I picked him up and we went out to dinner. Now I have a great pasta dinner for Monday night after school. They give you so much freakin' food!

The small glimpse I had of my future life was disconcerting. It's not the right time for this...I was supposed to have many more years of mommy-hood. I was supposed to have FUN teenage boy stuff to do. I have been robbed and I am a bit pissed off about it. (more than a bit). I do not like being forced into this. Change is not a real issue for me but when it is against my will....that makes me very unhappy. but what am I going to do....shit..I hate it.

My Peeps...... what a chuckle...




Missing you Jeddie Spaghetti... more than words. I know you are hanging at PSU this weekend. Tomorrow will be a hard day, help them through. Oh, Jed...this sucks and it is SO VERY HARD. Living without you, there are just no words for how wrong it all is. I hope you are playing hard, riding your bike, snow boarding and playing the sax, drums and guitar. All the things you said you wanted to do. I hope it is sunny and beautiful and the video games are endless. Mommy Loves you
Love J & K

Friday, October 15, 2010

Hey..so did anyone besides my mother realize that last night was the 1st night I have not updated since the fateful day that Jed won his battle?
I might not have been writing but we were honoring Jed, thinking of Jed and as always loving Jed. I stuffed the other 2 members of our little fam into our little car and drove 4 hrs...in the pouring rain.... to a little comedy club on the east side....that's NYC in case you don't know.

christie the comic

The fabulous Christie Walsh organized a comedy night fundraiser for THON. It was spectacular. If you read Savannah's blog you already know this...sorry. Anyway, she opened the show with Jed's fave joke from one of his fave nurses. The "nacho cheese" joke....told to him years ago by "nacho cheese" nurse Jen. The night just got better from there. All the comics were great. Christie was awesome. It was fun to just laugh. We also got to meet Christie's family and friends. Wonderful people but how could they not be when Christie herself is so amazing?
Jed, Jared, Savannah, Christie, Brent & Liz

I am very glad we went and very grateful for the continued love and support.
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Christie and Savannah

Jed and Christie @ The Corner Room
Thank you to everyone that was there last night. We had a great time. Savannah has links to the comics in her latest blog update. They were ALL good.
I cannot express our gratitude enough. I also cannot explain how very much I know Jed enjoyed it all. Sarcasm, twisted points of view and a bit of profanity....hhmm, that is SOO Jed. Even if he didn't get some of it he loved it! Kind of like Family Guy...live on stage.....on steroids..or crack..depending on how you look at it!

Mom and I had lunch today with some of the "wheel" women. Former co-workers. It was a fun afternoon.
Missing you Jed....oh so very much. Awake or asleep you are part of every second of my thoughts. Mommy Loves you baby Jed
Love J & K

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

July 2008...Jed and all his loot from Carlisle Bike Week. They were all so nice. Especially Sara and Jody.


I know I used a picture you all have seen a million times but I just don't have it in me to search through them tonight.
I told Jed the other day that I had not gotten a quarter in awhile. This morning when I took the laundry from the washer to the dryer a quarter popped out and landed right at my foot. It was the ONLY coin in the wash...so I know it's mine. Thanks lovey.
I just keep trying to remember that Jed is healthy and happy and he is here with me all the time. It's just not the way it was. I would rather have it this way though. I would rather be the one struggling...not him. Ya know, I was thinking today that it is really hard work to just keep going. More so than I realized. It is a constant effort to just keep on. It's work to drag your mind from the black hole and make it think of the good stuff. Why is it so easy to fall into that hole? To just drown in the sadness? I wonder why you don't gravitate toward the good thoughts, why is that not the place your mind is automatically drawn to? I guess the struggle is part of the lessons we are here to learn. Good God, let me tell you.....all this crap better end up being worth big time bonus points when I get to go.
In true Jed sarcastic fashion, as I am in LAW class, doing little mock trials, I get a text from Savannah....actually 4 texts. When I open them it is her telling me she is being given a speeding ticket. So while I am learning the law....she is breaking it....funny Jed...too bad it involves paying money.
I really like my paralegal professor...have I said this before? Probably. Anyway she kind of seems like the me I would have been if I had made smart decisions, been a bit more driven (well, had any drive at all), and had been really smart.
Maybe I just think that because she is little and blond, and she has a 13 yr old son. I had spent the afternoon before my first class with her looking around at all the people at my school. All the women there, that are my age, wear slacks, and sweaters and scarves....not in a fashionable way....more like a middle age woman kind of way. I was getting depressed thinking I was entering the slacks, sweater, scarf (ugly shoe) point of my life. It was not a pleasant thought but I also didn't want to be one of those over 40 women that dress like they are 18...that is just as depressing. SO... when I walked into her room and she was wearing a cute dress and cute shoes I was thrilled! She is a professional...a lawyer for gods sake....and a trial lawyer at that...BUT she is cute and not frumpy..thank god. So now I guess you know what deep thoughts I am entertaining most of the time. So..I will leave you contemplating those extra deep thoughts of mine.

IMG_1533

Goodnight Sweet Pea. Missing your sweet smiling face and ALWAYS missing your awesome, slightly twisted, sarcastic comments. oh Jed, please help my mind flow toward the beautiful things and away from the hole that has all that pain in it. Playing the shoulda coulda woulda game is just not the way I want to honor your great strength. Remembering all the bad things is a disservice to your hard won fight....and I know you have won. Nobody loves you like...Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

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Jed and Danny chowing down the ribs.

IMG_1549
I just don't understand why. He is such a good boy and such a fighter. So why?
oh my god this is hard. I hate this, there is no relief, no ebb...it's just bad...and worse.
Jed......
Mommy Loves You...always
Love J & K

Monday, October 11, 2010

Hop, Dan, Me, Jed, and Mommo

Jed266

Nothing happening. Glad yesterday is over. Really not a great day. Today was almost tolerable. The weather is awesome. I don't want to get too happy about it though because I know it's not going to last. Savannah, Dan and I went to lunch and then I went with Mommo and Livi-Mac to see A. That kid is hysterical. For some reason she has been calling me Nee-Nee and Savannah Krishin. We keep correcting her but it doesn't seem to matter. She also called A Ma-B the entire time we were there. Odd little human. It is sometimes over the top eerie how much she looks like Savannah when Savannah was 2. Her stance and some of her mannerisms are exactly like Savannah's. Even the way she watches tv. Weird. Livi-Mac is much rougher though and Livi, if you can believe this, talks WAY more and is completely understandable where as Savannah had her own sign language and a few made up words for quite some time! Very funny to watch.
I walked to the cemetery this evening. A car came in and stopped behind me. There was a lady and 2 girls in the car. The lady introduced herself as Wendy. Her daughter, Abby, went to school with Jed and they were looking for his headstone. It was very nice of them to think enough to come look. I just happened to get there right at the same time. I appreciate, so much, the fact that he was on their mind. As I am writing this I realize that before I noticed them I was walking around kicking mushrooms...eeuuuww... and talking to myself. I was actually talking to the mushrooms...telling them they must go. Well at least the "crazy" rumors will never fade.
I have school work to do ....but....hhmm having that motivation problem again. I will try to make myself type up some notes and things before I start reading. I just finished Ken Follett's new book, Fall of Giants. It was very good. None of his books are action packed but they are so involved that you want to keep reading to see what happens. That was only the second book I have read since January that was not about what happens to you after you die. Now I am back to that. It seems to help....kind of. I know when I absolutely cannot stand it anymore the only thing that works is getting so absorbed in someone else's story that I am not thinking too much about mine. Shopping works too a bit.....kind of a problem when you are unemployed though! Not the smartest choice.
I read until 4:30 this morning, and woke up at 8:30. I should be tired...but I know I will not sleep for awhile.
I feel like I am waiting....I always feel that way now. what am I waiting for? Jed is not coming back, I am not going back to Harley...I really have no idea why I feel this way. Am I waiting to die....yes probably but I know that won't happen for awhile. I told someone the other day that I can play in traffic, lick the top of soda cans (did you get that email warning?), eat uncooked cookie dough, not cook my eggs all the way and anything else you could think of and be fine. I could most likely do about anything and not be harmed. I'm golden now...yay me! I cannot leave Savannah anyway. I hate that to be with one of my children I have to leave the other....NOT fair. I kept telling myself that there are people out there that are much worse off than I am and I need to get over the pity party. Well the "other" part of me answered with a resounding "F-you I don't care". Sooo for right now that argument is not making a difference. Am I finally getting to the anger part of grieving?....I don't think so. There is no one to be angry toward. I do want to say to people that are complaining about inane crap to shut the F$#^ up and get over themselves....but that's not really new for me. There again, I try to give myself the speech I have always given both my kids, "everyone has their own stuff, and their stuff is just as important to them as our stuff is to us". Hhmm, welp, that is not working much either. If they have happy healthy children ...of any age....I still want to tell them to get over themselves and shut the...I think you get it. Um that seems to be where I am right now....
I was thinking today...no comments please....but I was thinking of everyone at the luncheon that I did not get to talk to and that we do not have pictures of....it upsets me. Denise, I really wanted to talk to you and Amy. You made a huge impression on an old school friend of mine!!! She immediately said how awesome you and Amy were. I am jealous that she got to sit and talk to you guys. Mickie...I don't mean your old...you know what I mean. But Denise I hope to see you soon. And the ton of other people that I didn't get to chat with. I need to practice my social butterfly crap....ok, so I need to LEARN the social butterfly crap! Oh my look how I have just blathered on..(that word was in the Ken Follett book, took place during WWI) thought you needed to know that. ...hhhmm and I am out of Peach wine. thank you to AP and Sue for those bottles..they were awesooommmee. AP how's the four wheeler? and how are your nerves!! Peach wine is good for that.
Anyway..
This dude, no one can compare to him...ever....no one. Bigger than life, brighter than sunrise and more sparkly than the stars. MY son, my friend...

Goodnight Jeddie. really, truly, this gets harder everyday. I need you to tell me what I am waiting for...it is a bit annoying...to use one of your favorite words...to feel as if I am waiting, all the time. Missing you beyond coherent thought.
Mommy Loves you
Love J & K

Sunday, October 10, 2010

Jed's END OF CHEMO Party
One year ago today.....so much hope...
Holy moly, a signed jersey from Sean Lee!!!

Ella and Livi-Mac
Hey, who are you?

Amy, DJ and Jed
Amy Dj and Jed

Savannah, Holly and Jed....
Savannah, Holly and Jed

lots of cool gifties from PSU

Jed with Phin and Nola
Jed Phin and Nola

Tiersa, Jed Livi-Mac and Uncle Adam
Jed with The Mac and fam

My guys
The Dudes

I wish it was last year. I miss you Jed. I hate this. It gets harder everyday.
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K