I will write tomorrow. Missing my lovey...

Baby Jed....I wish I could wish you home....
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Tomorrow is Red Lion's 5th Mini-THON....wow...

As usual Savannah has put a lot of time, effort and worry into it even though she had to hand it off to others last year. It's still her baby.
It will be the 1 year anniversary of her first face to face meeting with Jazz and it will be our 2nd mini-THON without my Jed.
Jed considers this his mini-thon...because his sister started it for him. Being there without him is torture...being anywhere without him is torture.
Anyway, lets move on from there....it's so hard to get out of that if I let myself think too deeply about it all.

Hop and Jed hanging at mini thon...Jed was first in line when the pizza showed up!

Jed's last mini-THON, he stayed and ran around until he was dripping sweat and he collapsed in my arms from exhaustion...he had SOOO much fun.


The 1st Mini-THON...I love how Jed always stares at his sister when she is "doing her thing"! He looks just like Bobby Hill from King of the Hill...


Look at that face....oh my...


My crazy people....


Jeddie, I can't even write about how much I miss you tonight...it's just too much my sweet, funny friend.
Stay close to your sister tomorrow and tomorrow night, it will be hard and she will need you. Hug Jazz and tell her I am getting all her giraffes...not sure why but I am! Keep watching out for Eli...help him fight.
Mommy Loves You...more than words..
Love J & K

Soooo, summer school started tonight. I have employment law on Tuesday's and Basic Fitness on Wed. The good thing is my PE class is mostly online....yes really...the PE class is online :) very cool.
I was in class tonight and a woman walked in..and said loudly, in a VERY heavy southern accent "Oh my gawd girlllll how are youuuu?" I realized that she was in my YES program class in 1999 when I was deciding if I would go to Harley! Of course after catching up on when she left harley and when I left she said, "oh by the way, how is your little boy?" UGH the question I hate, I swear it just knocks me right down. I told her I lost him almost 17 months ago, ( I was worried she would be upset...stupid me) she said, aawwee honey, that's too bad, I think I know how you feel I lost my huuzbandd. I just stared at her and said, "he was 12". UGH...hate that question...but my worry about making her feel bad went right out the door when she compared her husband to my child...yes it is a HUGE loss...but it's an ADULT and NOT YOUR CHILD..dumb ass. Now she sits next to me....oh sigh.... I wish I had it in me to be mean...but I don't...well unless I am really really pushed... then stuff flies out of my mouth..oops....how long is this summer class?? oh my, AGAIN Tuesday's are not my favorite days...those F'n Tuesdays.....

Jed and Jase after Jed was the Grand Marshal for the York Bike Night Parade.

So that was my exciting evening. Oh and to make it all so much easier to cope with...I started a diet today. I was going to do the Dukan diet but after thinking about it I know I would be miserable with no carbs for 5 days and why be even more miserable than normal! So I am just doing what I know works...write it all down...everything and try to keep it below 1200 calories. Needless to say I was hungry and had a headache then I got to answer my favorite question and listen to a stupid response to the answer.
Now I am home, eating fruit and cool whip for dinner..the best part? I have room left on my calorie count to drink a Mike's lemonade. YAY me!

Oh yeah, hey Jaz, I don't know why you have been showing me giraffes non stop for about 4 days...I know you are trying to tell me something but I am not real quick so you need to make it clearer!!! Maybe you were warning me about my new classmate? Help me figure this out!

Jeddie, I am missing you so so much. So so much....
Mommy Loves You,
Love J & K

My Love...



Not much happening here. My floor is still not dry...maybe a couple more days. We had 1 sunny day..it was wonderful. Maybe it will come back tomorrow...I hope. On that 1 sunny day we did get the grass mowed at the cemetery. Thank goodness...it looked like a jungle. Danny mowed the jungle here at home too. I went around with a little sponge brush and some concentrated weed killer painting a vine that is ALL over the back and side yard. I can't spray because it will kill everything so I have to paint it with weed killer ....so much fun.

With no school right now and all this rain this is what I have been doing...

Becky sent me this idea. I have no clue what I would use them for. You write a note and for some of the words you make these little squares then you make a bag to put them in. It would be a cool way to do an invitation for a kid party I think, especially if you could make up a rhyme for it. Anyway, here's mine. Completely pointless but whatever, I like them.


Today I made this. I again have no idea why...maybe it was the champaign I was drinking with OJ for dinner. Again...whatever..there it is..a pillow for my kitchen??


and then there are these guys chicken/duck = chuck.

So that's all...I live an exciting life ya know.
Oh we did have a meeting with Athena from the Great American Saloon about the luncheon. It was exciting...I think it will be an awesome event...I hope we see you all.

Speaking of seeing you all, do not forget to get your crab feed tickets before June 15th. We will have crabs, hot dogs, sides, desserts, soda, a 50/50 raffle, and it's BYOB so come hang out, eat crabs from Capt'n Bob's Crabs, have a FAB time, and help raise money for The Jedediah Thomas Smith Foundation, with your help we are Fighting Childhood Cancer in memory of our Jed.
Baby Jed, it is very lonely without you. I miss you every second. I hope you are riding your bike in eternal sunshine.
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Congrats to Eli and his fam on some awesome scans. Shrunken tumors baby...way to keep kickin' cancer's ass.

Happy 21st Birthday to Jenn Bailey...I drank my campaign for you tonight.

Hey...so I couldn't finish painting the office because it has been raining for days and it is so damp the floor won't dry. I put a space heater in there and shut the door but I quickly realized I cannot run that heater upstairs and the coffee maker downstairs at the same time...oh the joy of a house built in 1905. So, I will run the heater tonight while I sleep. Hopefully it won't take a week to dry!
I have to move the HUGE table over and paint the other side of the room. This table is a big library table. It is way too big for the room but great for crafting and sewing. The huge heavy top sits on 2 big end pieces. Yesterday I tried to move it and it was kinda stuck to the floor. I got under it so I could push the holder-uppers with my feet. The whole table shifted...with a computer, space heater, printer, and 2 gallons of paint sitting on it. I thought to myself this table is going to fall on me and Savannah is going to come home, find me squished under this monstrosity and I won't even be able to tell her it REALLY was an accident! So I got out from under the thing and figured out a way to move it that did not require a life threatening move. I told Savannah what I had been thinking...her only comment, " I would have been SOOOO Pissed off." Yeah understatement of the year.
So since I couldn't paint or even get in the room I went through yard sale stuff to price it. My living room looks like the drop off for good will. I am starting to have a bit of anxiety about all the crap piled in there. Come on June 17th!
I have 2 things to share...one is heartbreaking and the second is awesome.

A few weeks ago someone on FB was talking about this boy and for some reason I instantly could "feel" him...know what I mean? I'm weird..but you all know that. anyway.

Jack flew to be with the angels this morning...he was 9...
watch this video. He is so sweet and so cute and at the end his smile....when he smiles that smile I am looking at Jed.....after I watched it all I could think of was what Jed always said when a child died..."oh his poor mommy"...oh how true..

Fly high Jack....

Ok and on the other end of the pediatric cancer spectrum...the FABULOUS Sydney Upchurch with her first pig tales since she lost her hair....how exciting... every time I see a picture of her I have to smile....

Happy endings are always nice...Syd, may your hair grow thick and healthy for many many years to come.

Jed, these days are getting harder....make the sun come out, it doesn't make me less sad but it makes the sad easier to live with...a bit. Missing you my friend...every second..

Mommy Loves You...
Love J & K

"Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She'll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors"

So, as of yesterday school is over. Next Tuesday summer school starts. I have business law Tues. night and PE on Wed. but the PE class is partially online so I don't need to go to that every week. I don't have my grades back yet but I kind of slacked off the last few weeks so I doubt if I have all A's. We'll see. So so glad this semester is over. If I had had to write one more paper for english comp I might have hurt someone. Ugh.

What was supposed to be Jed's last chemo...we kept it a surprise but when we ended up inpatient the clinic came to Jed on 7 west. He was so happy...

On my way home yesterday I suddenly thought I would really like to see Janiece. Well that ain't happening...at least not right now anyway. That thought then led me to thoughts of clinic and 7 west. I so miss everyone. It was the only "normal" I knew. Of course then I cried the whole way home...nothing new there. I ended up starting to paint the office/craft room when I got home. I love to paint...instant gratification but it does leave me with lots of thinking time and Hershey Med has dominated that time.
Chillin' in the "quiet room"



Everyone has been running through my mind. Forrest...how are you? Eli, keep kicking cancer's ass. Holly, I miss you so much. Denise....oh...I miss you so much too...and Carol and Cindy and Joanne and Lois and Jen and Trish and Moi and Megan and Maritza...and EVERYONE..I miss Dr. Kahn...I wonder where he is...and our "regular" Docs, Dr. Blackall...how are you? While I was thinking of everyone I couldn't figure out why I felt like I just talked to Dr. Ungar recently...because I didn't. Then I realized it feels like I have because I hear his voice AT LEAST 2x day...the TV commercial (which Jed teased me about, he said "hey Dr. Ungar hugged the mom in the commercial...has he ever hugged you? Nope and I don't see it happening") smart mouth little kid. Then I hear him on the radio, same commercial but on the radio. So I feel like I see him all the time....my head is so twisted.
I thought about all our 7 west lovelies....Rob and Ed that includes you. I just miss everyone...no one more than Jeddie of course. But all of our nurses and Doc's have been on my mind the last couple of days. I hope everyone is doing well. I have to be very careful with all this Hershey Med thinking...my thoughts always seem to want to relive the last few days with Jed and analyze what I should have done, done differently, fixed, said,...and of course those last couple of minutes with Jeddie....that is a hard place to get out of when I get stuck there so I try to stay away....it rarely works though.

The office will be finished being painted tomorrow...then pics.

Missing everyone and hoping you all are doing well.
I know this is a very weird and scattered post...better next time...I promise, or at least hope.

Missing my love...desperately. Mommy Loves You Baby Jed.
Love J & K

DO NOT FORGET TO GET YOUR CRAB FEED TICKETS!!

So, it's been a few days. I just finished writing my last paper for this hell filled english class I had. So glad it is now over...well almost. I have to hand it in Monday. I have a logic final at 1pm then I cannot hand in this english paper until 4:30...ugh...after that I will have a week until summer school starts. I only took 2 classes though. Slacker summer here I come. These last few weeks have been really really hard. Not just because of finals and papers and such but birthdays and Mother's day. Just hard all around. I am so so tired, all I want to do is sleep but I know it is just me trying to escape. There is no escape from this. I am missing my Jed and my life.

Some old and very dear friends...and my Jeddie

A couple of days ago Nana called me to ask what I had done with Jed's phone. I told her that the phone is in my night stand, the account is still active but no one uses his phone. She then told me that that day Pappaw had a missed call on his phone....from Jed's cell!!! I ran up and checked Jed's phone. It had not been turned on since I checked it on Feb. 4th. So I think Jed was telling Pappaw a happy early birthday. I am jealous, I have been waiting for a call or a text from Jed.
Jed and his buddy.....

Tomorrow I am babysitting The Mac. I really wish...well you know what I wish. Anyway, I am going to take her a pizza...in true Jed style :) Chillin on a Saturday night, eating pizza and maybe we'll do the red neck Saturday thing...cops and America's most wanted...ok maybe not. I should probably wait until she is at least 4 for that. We'll just do pizza and Sponge Bob :)

We have been working on Foundation stuff. Today we got a gift certificate from the York Country Club for golf and dinner for 4, $100 to the Strand Capital and many coupons for free bakers dozen donuts from Maple Donuts!! We are sending out a lot of letters to get an idea of who will help. Remember we are collecting silent auction donations!!!
Also don't forget if you are coming to our crab feed you need to get tickets by June 15th. It's BYOB, we will have soda and a limited amount of mixers. Raffle prizes and a 50/50 will add to the fun.
Luncheon tickets are also on sale on the JTS Foundation blog.
If you are a yard saler come by 233 N Charles St, Red Lion on June 17 & 18. All proceeds from our yard sale go right to the foundation.
Thank you all for your continued love and support.
That's about all from here for now. Not real exciting around here. Savannah and I did get the front porch flowers planted, I said maybe if I make the outside look good it will fool people into thinking the inside looks good too! The house is just full of stuff. Cannot wait to get the yard sale over and the new office cleared out and painted. Then all my sewing stuff and all the office stuff can move up there...YAY I might actually be able to see the dinning room table by then...maybe.

Missing you Jeddie Spaghetti. Everyday gets harder...I wish that was not true...but it is. I can't wait to be with you again. Everyday down is a day closer to you.
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

A HUGE CONGRATS to our PSU Seniors. We are excited and happy for you...and will miss you so much. Make sure to keep in touch.

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mothers


I have the best kids ever....really















I Love you Fred
Mommy Loves You Baby Jed
Love J & K

Love this picture...he is so nice and squeezy and he is doing what he did often....amusing his mother by doing things he wasn't thrilled about. Jed and Elmo total coolness. This weekend I usually spend at the Truck Convoy with Jed and DJ. We started going the year they started the convoy.

Wednesday was Savannah's birthday and Thursday was the birthday of the girl she is named after. Renee...missing you my friend...I know you are laughing because you are there, looking fab and young and I am here looking at least my 42 yrs..all worn out...miss you


So I guess if you read Savannah's blog or the Foundation's blog then you know yesterday Savannah and I took a huge step in finalizing the Foundation's officialness.



So now...we wait....the website says 3 weeks to 8 months....lovely.

Thanks to everyone that talked us up and helped raise the money to send in our application. Savannah and I visited Wisehaven, where the crab feed will be, it's great, it even has a big deck for outdoor seating. Louise is a HUGE help. She is going above and beyond for us.

Savannah and I spent last night cleaning out the computer room, that turned into the storage room...looked like hoarders I won't lie. We found a dead mouse...yes I know..really gross but it is the room that has been under construction forever and actually had a hole in the ceiling for a bit...leaked like hell. It's fixed now. The look on Savannah's face sent me into hysterics. Watching her jump around was really funny. Dragging the old gaming chair all the way out to the alley (I think the mouse ate the inside of the chair and the junk killed him) and scooping up the mouse...not so freakin funny. I guess for most normal people finding a mouse in the house (I rhymed) anyway, finding one probably never ever happens. Well I grew up on little house on the prairie. More like little house in the hollow. Mice, while not an everyday occurrence were an occasional thing. Old houses... We had a bird once too here....ok twice..same bird. Jed called from his room, all nice and casual, "mom I have a bird in my room." my thought was first, birds in the house really are more than I can handle, second thought was pretend like it's not there. So, I said, "no you don't just close your eyes and it will go away." My very wise child said, "mom, yes there is a bird in my room and I can't watch tv with my eyes closed." Thank god Danny went in, opened the window, turned on the ceiling fan that the bird was sitting on and the bird flew right out!! Ten minutes later Savannah yells down from the attic, "mom I have a bird in my room." Oh dear god...is there a flock invading? Again Danny went up and it flew right out the little window. It was the same bird. Danny then crawled in the little crawl space in the eves and filled the little hole with foaming sticky stuff....his glove is still stuck in there. No more birds...yay. Danny was really good about the bird. Bugs were always a debate, Me "you get the bug", Danny "no you get the bug" back and forth until someone gave. Now the bat we had one time...Danny was zero help. He locked himself in the bathroom and stuffed towels under the door. I kept yelling, "come out and get the bat, be the guy." He was yelling "no I do not want to be the guy." Nice. The bat disappeared and we never saw it again...Ah the fun in this house is never ending. Yes now you are looking at us like we are characters on that show My Name is Earl. Oh well.
So back to the cleaning, we are clearing that room and then the room attached to it. That room was a porch at one time, we tore it down and rebuilt it as a room. Construction stopped when Jed relapsed the first time in 2007. We are going to clear it, finish it and make it the J.T.S. Foundation office and my craft/sewing room. The room we cleared last night had pictures and stuff from the hospital that never got unpacked. It was hard but Savannah did a ton. The other room has boxes of Jed's stuff, overflow from his room throughout the last 5 years or so. Ugh. Not looking forward to that. On the upside we are collecting a ton of stuff for our yard sale.computer stuff, tons of picture frames...yada yada.
That was the excitement here whoohoo.

It's mother's day weekend,,yipee. Savannah gave me a cute little bag...I now am a Vera owner. Thanks Fred.

Baby Jed.....every moment you are on my mind and I am missing you.
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Oh here is a little something special...a flash back.....


Yes, the one on the right is my brother...the other one is Chris...who I stole this picture from. Just a giggle for everyone.

Happy Birthday to my oldest child. The most amazing daughter anyone could ever have. Since the day she was born it has been exciting to see what she would do next....the first 20 yrs have been incredible, can't wait to see what comes next!!! Happy Birthday Savannah Renee......I Love You....

My Peeps....














Good Look Fred

Your sister is 20 today! Yes the big 2-0...no longer a teenager...crazy huh?
Missing you baby Jed so so much. Oh Jeddie....
Mommy Loves You...always...
Love J & K

Thank you to everyone for the Birthday wishes and cards. Thanks mom for the awesome fried chicken and apple cake. Thanks Adam for the rockin pound cake. Thanks honey for the home depot card!! Thanks G for the awesome donation to the foundation. Thanks Noonan for calling me :) Thank you to everyone. It was a nice day.

So the big news is that Bin Laden is dead. I have mixed feelings about this. First because it felt odd to be so excited that someone was killed and second...dead is way too good for him. To me dead is not a bad thing, it's only bad for those that love you and are left behind. Those of us in the "special" club think of it as "winning". and I don't like that he "won". Hope he has to atone...or whatever happens when you get there.
On the other side, I was a bit giddy for a few minutes. The symbolism of OUR Navy Seals killing Bin Laden, in person, on his turf is awesome. I hope in some way this gives the families of the victims of 9/11 just a bit of peace.

Ok on to the happy people..the party in Happy Valley last night........









Anyway, you get the idea...Happy Valley...very happy last night. I was stuck to my twitter feed until after 2am watching these crazy people!!!!

That's all for now.

Jeddie....Mommy Loves you...always....forever
Love J & K

"I mourn the loss of thousands of precious lives, but I will not rejoice
in the death of one, not even an enemy. Returning hate for hate
multiplies hate, adding deeper darkness to a night already devoid of
stars. Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate
cannot drive out hate: only love can do that." -Martin Luther King, Jr.