Who would have known that night 22 years ago, as I was watching you leave, you were preparing me to be able watch my son leave. Who would have known that while I watched and listened to your mom be strong and selfless in the face of her greatest loss that I would call on that devastating memory to guide me in the face of my greatest loss. The night you left changed my life. Everything was forever described in terms of before and after. It took me years, really, years to not cry at night thinking of you and missing your funny giggle and smart mouth. Missing what should have been. Every event, big or small, I thought of how differently it would have all been with you here.
When I was told I would lose my Jed I remember thinking I could not understand how your mom got out of bed everyday. When Jed was leaving I thought about how deeply I missed you and if I missed you that much how would I ever live with the depth of the loss I was about to face living without Jed. Then I realized that at that moment, your death was a gift to me. Crazy thought, but so instantly comforting. Knowing my Jed was going to be with you was the only solace I had. Remembering how all you ever wanted was to be a mom, to have a child, I knew Jed would be ok because he would be with you. 2 peas in a pod, you and Jed. So similar. Sarcastic, smart mouthed, beautiful, smiling, wise old souls with funny giggles. I am so grateful for the gift of your friendship and the gift losing you turned out to be for me.
I still don't know how your mom gets out of bed and lives her life with such love and devotion. What she has endured is still beyond what I could ever comprehend. But I draw strength from the example she has set and knowing she can keep going gives me hope that I might be able to also. I am very aware that I have to stay here for awhile but knowing you and Jed are together helps a little bit.
I can't lie, I'm kinda pissed. You 2 are together and I am stuck here but I guess I can wait my turn. Take care of my little love, and keep an eye on all of us still flopping around down here. I will see you when it's time. Until then, I still miss you, so much, but I am glad you are there for my Jed.

Baby Jed, mommy loves you and I miss you more, everyday.