I'm still here. I think of this blog often, I think "I should write something" but I just don't. I'm not quite sure why, well one reason is because it is hard, just so so hard. Writing here forces me to face the truth. That is not my favorite thing to do really. I mean, yes I live with the truth every single second but writing about it, that's a whole different level.
Oh such a funny boy, life is just so hard without that smile.
Not much has changed, I still live every moment with a broken heart, still, even to the point that it can be hard to breathe. Jed is my first thought every morning the last thought before I fall asleep at night and every moment in between. I still spend a great deal of energy just trying to smile, act normal and keep moving. It is still an exhausting feat to keep the "what ifs" at bay and shake off the memories of the truly horrible things my little love had to go through. I still miss him more every day, every day is still harder than the one before. I guess the one difference now is that I am no longer stunned that a human can feel like this and still be functioning.
I usually keep it together fairly well. I make myself get out of bed everyday, I finished my Associate's degree and will start working on my bachelor's in the fall. It doesn't really feel like it means much but what else am I going to do?
I have been applying for jobs, have not even gotten a call for an interview. Danny is carrying the entire load right now. I hate that, but truthfully I do not want to go to work. I know I must and I am trying but there is nothing I want to do. I just want my son, that's all.
The Foundation is doing well. We are not huge by any means but I think we are making a difference. We had a family movie night in March and our 2nd annual crab feed was a couple of weeks ago. We doubled the number of people at the crab feed from the 1st one. It is fun to see everyone and overwhelming to know they all care, at the same time I find myself looking around, looking for Jed. I guess I will do that forever. How much fun it would be to do all these events WITH him and not in memory of him.
I am grateful for all the wonderful people that are in my life because of Jed and grateful for the love and support, we could not be helping others without these wonderful friends. I just wish he was here.
Soooo, back to the original thought, not much is different, at least for me BUT the Foundation is doing well, Savannah is great, Danny is working hard and doing ok, everyone seems healthy, I have an amazing family, incredible friends and it's summer. Those are the things that will keep me from falling into that hole. Those are the things that help hold me up day after day. The quarters and signs that come on a fairly regular basis from the love of my life help me keep moving, not very fast mind you but at least moving.
That's all for now. maybe I will write more often....maybe not, I just don't know.
Read Savannah's blog and the Foundation blog, they are better written and much more upbeat.
Love J & K
4 comments:
The fact that you started a Foundation (!) leaves me in awe. Believe it or not, it shows how you've moved forward,as hard as it has been.
Much love and hugs from down here. I've said it many times and I mean it - my house is always open to you. All you have to do is show up and we'll take care of the rest. xo
Hey, lady! Congrats on the degree! That's one heck of an accomplishment! I think of you guys all the time! Hope next year I will have off from work to come to the crab feed. Such an awesome idea! Love, Shelly
I love you.
Dear Kris, checking on you through your blog.
Living through the experience of having your own unique "Jed", a highly spirited & gifted son, whose illness, paradoxically may have bonded you two in such a way as to equip you now in facing your horrific emptiness.
The loving mom that you are, still conveys the honor that you feel for living the role as Jed's mom, then and now. Yet, such feelings defy description of the complex range of the magnitude of your loss on so many levels. Another paradox, because your statements deliver such a message.
Kris, for what it's worth, I still believe in a loving God who cares for you. He knows what you are feeling with the intensity of love & compassion that surpasses human comprehension. He created Jed for a reason on earth & his life continues for a specific purpose now.
I realize that mere words won't minimize your pain. Just want you to know that you (and Jed) aren't forgotten, & you continue to have a significant role to live on this earth.
Your blogs are meaningful in more ways than you know. Love, friend, Susan
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