"We grow to Heaven. We don't go to Heaven. We grow through love within & in practice. The central factor determining our level of spiritual growth & the level of Heaven we attain after death, is the degree to which we have lived for the sake of others out of love."

I read this on a website that I found while searching for something, anything that could possibly make me feel better. It made a small dent. The past few weeks have been harder ....not really surprising I guess. Christmas, it used to be so fun and exciting, now it just feels a bit odd and disorienting. I am constantly thinking, Jed would like that gift, oh wait until Jed sees those lights, I know Jed is anxious for Christmas breakfast....oh...wait...oh yeah.
I hear a Christmas carol and I have a split second of the feeling of the season, it barely lasts for a blink. I refuse to wrap anything, I am not sure why, it just feels like something I cannot and do not want to do. Really, to fall back to my go-to word, it sucks. It just all sucks. I hate it and I am tired of it being this way. I want my son...NOW. I have had enough. It is almost 2 years, 2 whole heartbreaking, joy draining, constant pain filled years. I played along, I persevered. I get up every morning, I shower, I even am 1 semester away from an associate's degree, I still pay the bills (when I have money) I still am functioning (kinda) , I really think I have played the game well. Now it's time to end this shit and give me my kid back. I proved I could keep going, now I want to be finished. It's exhausting. When Jed was here and things were hard.....at least I could hang out with him, help him feel better which in turn made me better. This all just keeps getting harder. Everyday I think this is it I cannot handle anymore but I still wake up the next morning...and I make myself join the world as best as I can that day. Some days I don't like to leave the house but other days I must. When I finish school in the spring and am forced to get a job I will have to do it every single day.........that sounds like hell. Yes I know everyone does it, and I know I have to but it still sounds frightening. I will have to actually plan those "no leaving the house" days for weekends. How the hell do I do that? Jesus. I will put that one aside for now I guess.
I will have some practice starting Jan. 24th. I have an internship at the Domestic Violence Clinic in Lancaster on Tuesday's and Friday's 8:30am - 5:30pm. No, I am not excited and no I do not want to...but again, I guess I have to do something. I have 2 classes on Monday and Wednesday also.

My whole holiday attitude


Danny and Livi-Mac hanging out on Christmas...weirdos

Ok, onward....
So news that is sad but yet exciting (for me because I am kind of twisted). My Grandmother passed on last week. We got the call as we were headed home from delivering toys to Hershey. It is sad because she is not here but I am excited for her. She has a son she has not seen in over 60 years!!! I wish she could call me and let me know how it all went. I am patiently waiting for my sign of 2 dimes and a nickle so I know she is with Jeddie. I am sure they are cooking up a storm. It's good to know they are all together and she is feeling fine now. Grandma, call me. Jed will show you how!!!!

Thanksgiving 2008

I have lots I could write about but not much of it is really interesting enough to read! Yes, I got all A's last semester and yes it was hard. Thanksgiving sucked. The food was great but it was hell sitting there through it. Savannah and I were rude and spent some of the time surfing her phone for places we would rather be next year. Oh and it's not the company we are trying to escape, really, it's just the whole "feeling" of it. Too heavy, too hard and of course that just adds to the fun for everyone else. Lucky it was just us this year.

2008, that little fat thing is now in school part time. Montessori, just like Savannah :)

We went to The Family Carnival for the unveiling of the THON 2012 logo, I love it!

We also, of course, had to feed Savannah before we left...Chip and Mead (Ryan) came along...

I spend a lot of time in my "little blue room". Pretending I can sew stuff. I have this little pile of baby clothes. My abilities are not quite up to retail standards! But if I stay in here and just pretend I am making stuff it keeps my head busy. I got a TV from mom & Dad for Christmas for my little room. The cable guy is coming Wednesday to run the wire.

I wish sitting in here paid the mortgage

Danny goes back to work full time next week. Then it is very quiet evenings. Weird how quiet the house gets. Savannah is here for another week and of course that means Kyle is here too. So right now it's good.

Halloween 2009

I guess that is about all I have....Oh wait, cool Jed stuff. I was coming home from school and texting Savannah, I talk-to-text so don't freak out, anyway we are having this conversation back and forth, all of a sudden my phone just stops doing stuff, then it says, "your message is addressed to Fred & Jed".. He wanted to make sure I knew he was in on the conversation. After I got home the night of my first final, no one was home. I threw my bag down on the ottoman and turned away. I heard everything fall out of it. All the crap in the bottom and all the pennies that accumulate there. I turned around to see the mess and the only thing that came out was 1 quarter (on the floor) and 1 dime (on the book)

I text Trish right away and told her "the boys say hi, they are having fun and will see us when it's time."

The only festive type thing I wanted anything to do with...


This is what I made for Savannah for Christmas...it is very warm :)

Soon I will tell you about out trip to Hershey Med and all about our plans for clinic.

Baby Jed....Mommy loves you

Love K & J