Hi, yes it has been awhile. I have things to say but it just is easier not too. I know getting it out is better for me but sometimes hiding from it seems easier. But here I am...oh lucky you :)

Turn September Gold...spread the word...Kids get cancer too

When the sun is coming up tomorrow it will be 20 months since I have seen my little love. I still have no clearer understanding as to how I ended up here or what I am supposed to be doing. I see people with small kids everywhere and I feel that all I want to do is be a mom and raise children. But then I think maybe I am supposed to find something else to do now. I know tons of people go through this when their kids grow up but I didn't get to finish my job...yes, I feel robbed...I know life's not fair and I need to just keep moving but I sometimes get pissed that I am being forced to keep moving when I really do not want to. For some reason the universe finds it necessary to put a curly haired blond boy near me everywhere I go...complete torture. I just don't know what to do. There is a very deep part of me that knows I need to let that part of my life go and move forward. I don't think foster parenting is for me...way too scary. Besides...and yes this will sound horrible, what if I get a kid I don't like? Really? What would I do? My adopted dog bit me HARD and I could not give him back so the thought of having a child here that I didn't like makes me ill because I know I would never tell anyone I felt that way and I also am afraid I would compare any child to Jed and no one can measure up. oh and what if I got a kid and changed my mind? if I just decided, ok I'm tired now I don't want it...that would be awful. So I think foster parenting is out...maybe if I could stay home and be an at home mom I would consider it but that is not an option..I am going to have to go to work.
ANYWAY....so many things in my head.
Savannah has moved to State College, has a job and will soon hear if she got her captain position for THON 2012. She is doing well and adjusting to sharing a space for the first time in her life!

Savannah and Bri (Shuma) chillin on the futon

Zaiden is missing his babe,,,

We had the 2nd Annual Jedediah Thomas Smith Memorial Luncheon last Saturday...we raised over $12,000.00 yes I said over TWELVE THOUSAND dollars!!!! How flippin awesome is that?!!!! It was a fun, nerve wracking day. We had tons of help and so much love and support. It really was overwhelming. Thank you to everyone...thank you over and over. I will post some pictures this weekend. Ha to you hurricane Irene...we won :)

Dan's daughter is here right now. Andria flew in from San Diego last Thursday. She is a great house guest and it is good to see her and Dan enjoying each others company.
We took her to D.C. for 2 days. We walked all over and saw as much as we could. I love being in a city and walking all day. The weather was perfect.

And so was the pear/apple sangria at the Mexican restaurant where we had dinner.

SOOOO good....yum...need more :)

We checked out the Capital Building.....

and the Library of Congress....

The WW II Memorial in the dark was beautiful...love to both my Grandfathers...

Saw my man Abe too...

Jed say Pork-nee-pine...oh mom, Pork-nee-pine was so yesterday they are called Pork-YA-pines.....

This is the only picture I took at the Air and Space Museum...(I have this lunch box)

It was hard to be there...Jed loved it soooo much.

Today Dan and Andria rode the bike through the Gettysburg battle fields and tomorrow eve we will go back over there and do a ghost tour. She goes home on Monday and hopefully will be back to visit soon.

Jed and Savannah In DC 2005

I miss my sweet funny friend more than I could ever explain.

Jeddie love, please watch over Connor and his family as they say goodbye. Help his parents and brother find peace as you show Connor the way home.
I was asked the other day if I have found any joy. It is a hard question to answer when the person asking is another mother saying goodbye to her son. I hate to be gloomy or negative but I also do not want to lie....there are moments of course, moments with Savannah but there will never be an un-cloudy day. I know I will have happy moments but I also know my happiest days are behind me. It's a tough reality to deal with but it is what it is, I can't change it or fix it I just have to live it. A hard thing to tell a mom about to join this awful club.

Jed, my love, I miss you more every single day. Everyday is harder than the day before.
Mommy Loves You Sweet Potato
Love J & K