Thank you to everyone that ate ROMA'S pizza today, thank you to everyone at ROMA'S and thank you to Mrs. Bream and the Mazie Gable students for remembering Jed by collecting money for the leukemia and lymphoma society. I am so appreciative that you are keeping his memory alive. He really loved his school.

Nothing like a good back scratch....


Goodnight baby Jed. Missing you.....just sooo missing you. Mommy Loves You sweet potato
Love J & K

GO EAT PIZZA TOMORROW AT ROMA'S in RED LION!!!!!! 417-2835
Save your receipts, send them to Mazie Gable Elementary and 15% goes to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society in JED'S name!!!!!

Pizza...the food of the angels :)

I made the banana bread ....at 11:30 last night. Two loaves....they are gone now. It was pretty yummy.
Oh Jeddie.....Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Wednesday..ALL DAY.... at Roma's pizza in Red Lion..EAT there! Save your receipt, send it to Mazie Gable and 15% goes to Gable, they are giving it to the Leukemia and Lymphoma society...in memory of Jed..............717-417-2835 they deliver! Help the kids honor Jed and in true Jed fashion....help them help others. I am putting the number in my phone and ordering on the way home from school...don't make me food mom...I'm gettin' pizza !!!

Ok, look....I have nothing against breast cancer awareness. I have some people that I really love that have battled this disease.. a couple while they were taking care of kids with cancer....I would never want to take anything away from breast cancer awareness. BUT....I do not know one woman....NOT ONE..that would put herself before a child. So, why is September not Gold everywhere like October is pink? Pink ribbons on toilet paper, yogurt, cars, all professional sports. Everywhere you can imagine there are pink ribbons. I don't want them to go away I just want the kids to get at least that amount of attention (and funding)... to turn everything in September Gold. That's it on that for now....but we will discuss it again...soon :)

Fearless.....


I don't think I did so well on my exam. I think I did the thing I always got on Jed's case about.......I did not read the question thoroughly...and I'm pretty sure I wrote a long A$# paragraph on the wrong freakin thing. I cannot tell you how much I stressed to Jed the importance of reading the entire question, ALL the way through, before answering it........DUH. Oh well. My scatteredness...that I must battle while doing this school stuff....took over today. I also forgot my book for computer class. The one class where I MUST have my book. On the shiny side, I was home by 3:30 today :) No use waiting 2 1/2 hrs for a class I couldn't take without my book...oh darn. I have spent the last couple of hours doing what I would have done in class and just for the record... excel sucks. I was lucky enough to score a cheat sheet make by a lovely PSU alum who is now a math teacher :). I will take any help that I can get.



Yes I know my pictures have no relation to what I am writing. But really what am I writing...not much!
Thanks Peg for the comments and yes Savannah Renee has been destined for amazing things before she even made an appearance....she has an extremely strong force behind her :)
My lovely friend Becky told me a while back that my babies will change the world. I truly believe that....at least our portion of this world. I don't know how or why I got them....but I'm not arguing! I am very lucky.

I am trying VERY hard to be just a little more upbeat...ugh can you feel the strain?... :) I better go before the real me escapes and starts whining...I mean writing.


Missing you...I have been looking at these brown bananas for days now. I want to make banana bread but you are the only one I know who makes amazing banana bread. I hate to throw them out...but I am not sure if I can bring myself to try. I will look at them for another day.This love we have, you and I, it is too strong for earthly explanations. I feel you here. Mommy Loves You
Love J & k

Please send some cosmic strength to a set parents that lost their son to cancer a few years ago...and lost their other son to a drunk driver a couple of days ago...really? yes really

I will apologize in advance for the pictures I am stealing from Savannah.
Today was THON 5K..... here is Savannah and her Pappaw


Jaz and her family made it to Happy Valley today. Seeing the pictures of her carving pumpkins and being at the Acacia house is bittersweet. I am so so happy she is doing well. I am blown away by how great she looks. Please don't ever think I am not 100% thrilled to see those pictures....but they are very difficult to look at. All the years that Jed spent this day carving pumpkins and hanging out..

THON 5K 2008


THON 5k 2009

I am not sure why I can't find more pictures from last year's 5k...I wonder where they are?

Jaz at Acacia house THON 5k 2010


So anyway....as usual....my heart is breaking and I am missing my kid. Sometimes I want to scream and throw things. Here is my 2 second pity party...THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANT. I hate those people on TV saying "just envision the life you want and it can happen....F-you... you have no clue what you are talking about. Ok I'm finished
I better go study...I have an exam in the morning.

Savnnnah with Jaz.....

Is it me or does Savannah look like a star, even from the back, in a ponytail?! I can't wait to see what great things are coming for her. It's the reason I keep waking up.

Missing you funny guy. Jed, Mommy Loves You...always...
Love J & K

Oh yeah...everyone needs a little Yellow Laa-Laa in their life sometimes. Jed's first word was "wellow" which went right to "wellow waa waa".


Ok, back to reality..oh no wait, that's not where I live...anyway....I worked at the salon today with the lovely Alecia Pandolfi. Ok so I didn't really work, I curled. Today was homecoming for 4 schools in the area and she was pretty busy. I did the curling, she did the magic! AP is extremely good at what she does. Really no one better. Thanks for the distraction, fun, and usefulness (or at least the illusion of). It was great. Savannah stopped in for a bit and then she headed out...up to Happy Valley. THON 5k is tomorrow. Nana, Pappaw, Mindy and Savannah always are Jed's escorts for this event...every year Pappaw runs. This will be their 1st time without him. Super hard...and heartbreaking. After I finished at Alecia's and Savannah headed for PSU I came home and got a glimpse of what my life will be like next year. Danny was out riding and no one was here...just me with nothing to do. Well I mean I could have cleaned or studied or something industrious...but that's not me. I took a 20 min nap and went out to do one of the only things that makes me feel ok when I am alone...shopped. I know, I know not a pass time an unemployed person needs to indulge in but I needed a fall bag...really. I have an awesome big GUESS bag I used last year but it is still packed with things from life with Jed...bags of meds, queasy pops, band aids..gum..just full of what my life WAS and I cannot bring myself to go through it or even just empty it. So that's the reason for a new bag. I went to TJ Maxx, I tried to be reasonable. (I thought of you Trish). I did not order the $500 bag that I have been drooling over online. I spent 79.00 on a $160.00 bag. I like it..I think. It is not my usual big "statement" bag...more neutral. OMG I just realized I typed and ENTIRE paragraph about my bag....so very pathetic. Ok, I got boots too.
Danny came home while I was out "self-medicating". I picked him up and we went out to dinner. Now I have a great pasta dinner for Monday night after school. They give you so much freakin' food!

The small glimpse I had of my future life was disconcerting. It's not the right time for this...I was supposed to have many more years of mommy-hood. I was supposed to have FUN teenage boy stuff to do. I have been robbed and I am a bit pissed off about it. (more than a bit). I do not like being forced into this. Change is not a real issue for me but when it is against my will....that makes me very unhappy. but what am I going to do....shit..I hate it.

My Peeps...... what a chuckle...




Missing you Jeddie Spaghetti... more than words. I know you are hanging at PSU this weekend. Tomorrow will be a hard day, help them through. Oh, Jed...this sucks and it is SO VERY HARD. Living without you, there are just no words for how wrong it all is. I hope you are playing hard, riding your bike, snow boarding and playing the sax, drums and guitar. All the things you said you wanted to do. I hope it is sunny and beautiful and the video games are endless. Mommy Loves you
Love J & K

Hey..so did anyone besides my mother realize that last night was the 1st night I have not updated since the fateful day that Jed won his battle?
I might not have been writing but we were honoring Jed, thinking of Jed and as always loving Jed. I stuffed the other 2 members of our little fam into our little car and drove 4 hrs...in the pouring rain.... to a little comedy club on the east side....that's NYC in case you don't know.



The fabulous Christie Walsh organized a comedy night fundraiser for THON. It was spectacular. If you read Savannah's blog you already know this...sorry. Anyway, she opened the show with Jed's fave joke from one of his fave nurses. The "nacho cheese" joke....told to him years ago by "nacho cheese" nurse Jen. The night just got better from there. All the comics were great. Christie was awesome. It was fun to just laugh. We also got to meet Christie's family and friends. Wonderful people but how could they not be when Christie herself is so amazing?


I am very glad we went and very grateful for the continued love and support.




Thank you to everyone that was there last night. We had a great time. Savannah has links to the comics in her latest blog update. They were ALL good.
I cannot express our gratitude enough. I also cannot explain how very much I know Jed enjoyed it all. Sarcasm, twisted points of view and a bit of profanity....hhmm, that is SOO Jed. Even if he didn't get some of it he loved it! Kind of like Family Guy...live on stage.....on steroids..or crack..depending on how you look at it!

Mom and I had lunch today with some of the "wheel" women. Former co-workers. It was a fun afternoon.
Missing you Jed....oh so very much. Awake or asleep you are part of every second of my thoughts. Mommy Loves you baby Jed
Love J & K

July 2008...Jed and all his loot from Carlisle Bike Week. They were all so nice. Especially Sara and Jody.


I know I used a picture you all have seen a million times but I just don't have it in me to search through them tonight.
I told Jed the other day that I had not gotten a quarter in awhile. This morning when I took the laundry from the washer to the dryer a quarter popped out and landed right at my foot. It was the ONLY coin in the wash...so I know it's mine. Thanks lovey.
I just keep trying to remember that Jed is healthy and happy and he is here with me all the time. It's just not the way it was. I would rather have it this way though. I would rather be the one struggling...not him. Ya know, I was thinking today that it is really hard work to just keep going. More so than I realized. It is a constant effort to just keep on. It's work to drag your mind from the black hole and make it think of the good stuff. Why is it so easy to fall into that hole? To just drown in the sadness? I wonder why you don't gravitate toward the good thoughts, why is that not the place your mind is automatically drawn to? I guess the struggle is part of the lessons we are here to learn. Good God, let me tell you.....all this crap better end up being worth big time bonus points when I get to go.
In true Jed sarcastic fashion, as I am in LAW class, doing little mock trials, I get a text from Savannah....actually 4 texts. When I open them it is her telling me she is being given a speeding ticket. So while I am learning the law....she is breaking it....funny Jed...too bad it involves paying money.
I really like my paralegal professor...have I said this before? Probably. Anyway she kind of seems like the me I would have been if I had made smart decisions, been a bit more driven (well, had any drive at all), and had been really smart.
Maybe I just think that because she is little and blond, and she has a 13 yr old son. I had spent the afternoon before my first class with her looking around at all the people at my school. All the women there, that are my age, wear slacks, and sweaters and scarves....not in a fashionable way....more like a middle age woman kind of way. I was getting depressed thinking I was entering the slacks, sweater, scarf (ugly shoe) point of my life. It was not a pleasant thought but I also didn't want to be one of those over 40 women that dress like they are 18...that is just as depressing. SO... when I walked into her room and she was wearing a cute dress and cute shoes I was thrilled! She is a professional...a lawyer for gods sake....and a trial lawyer at that...BUT she is cute and not frumpy..thank god. So now I guess you know what deep thoughts I am entertaining most of the time. So..I will leave you contemplating those extra deep thoughts of mine.



Goodnight Sweet Pea. Missing your sweet smiling face and ALWAYS missing your awesome, slightly twisted, sarcastic comments. oh Jed, please help my mind flow toward the beautiful things and away from the hole that has all that pain in it. Playing the shoulda coulda woulda game is just not the way I want to honor your great strength. Remembering all the bad things is a disservice to your hard won fight....and I know you have won. Nobody loves you like...Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Jed and Danny chowing down the ribs.


I just don't understand why. He is such a good boy and such a fighter. So why?
oh my god this is hard. I hate this, there is no relief, no ebb...it's just bad...and worse.
Jed......
Mommy Loves You...always
Love J & K

Hop, Dan, Me, Jed, and Mommo



Nothing happening. Glad yesterday is over. Really not a great day. Today was almost tolerable. The weather is awesome. I don't want to get too happy about it though because I know it's not going to last. Savannah, Dan and I went to lunch and then I went with Mommo and Livi-Mac to see A. That kid is hysterical. For some reason she has been calling me Nee-Nee and Savannah Krishin. We keep correcting her but it doesn't seem to matter. She also called A Ma-B the entire time we were there. Odd little human. It is sometimes over the top eerie how much she looks like Savannah when Savannah was 2. Her stance and some of her mannerisms are exactly like Savannah's. Even the way she watches tv. Weird. Livi-Mac is much rougher though and Livi, if you can believe this, talks WAY more and is completely understandable where as Savannah had her own sign language and a few made up words for quite some time! Very funny to watch.
I walked to the cemetery this evening. A car came in and stopped behind me. There was a lady and 2 girls in the car. The lady introduced herself as Wendy. Her daughter, Abby, went to school with Jed and they were looking for his headstone. It was very nice of them to think enough to come look. I just happened to get there right at the same time. I appreciate, so much, the fact that he was on their mind. As I am writing this I realize that before I noticed them I was walking around kicking mushrooms...eeuuuww... and talking to myself. I was actually talking to the mushrooms...telling them they must go. Well at least the "crazy" rumors will never fade.
I have school work to do ....but....hhmm having that motivation problem again. I will try to make myself type up some notes and things before I start reading. I just finished Ken Follett's new book, Fall of Giants. It was very good. None of his books are action packed but they are so involved that you want to keep reading to see what happens. That was only the second book I have read since January that was not about what happens to you after you die. Now I am back to that. It seems to help....kind of. I know when I absolutely cannot stand it anymore the only thing that works is getting so absorbed in someone else's story that I am not thinking too much about mine. Shopping works too a bit.....kind of a problem when you are unemployed though! Not the smartest choice.
I read until 4:30 this morning, and woke up at 8:30. I should be tired...but I know I will not sleep for awhile.
I feel like I am waiting....I always feel that way now. what am I waiting for? Jed is not coming back, I am not going back to Harley...I really have no idea why I feel this way. Am I waiting to die....yes probably but I know that won't happen for awhile. I told someone the other day that I can play in traffic, lick the top of soda cans (did you get that email warning?), eat uncooked cookie dough, not cook my eggs all the way and anything else you could think of and be fine. I could most likely do about anything and not be harmed. I'm golden now...yay me! I cannot leave Savannah anyway. I hate that to be with one of my children I have to leave the other....NOT fair. I kept telling myself that there are people out there that are much worse off than I am and I need to get over the pity party. Well the "other" part of me answered with a resounding "F-you I don't care". Sooo for right now that argument is not making a difference. Am I finally getting to the anger part of grieving?....I don't think so. There is no one to be angry toward. I do want to say to people that are complaining about inane crap to shut the F$#^ up and get over themselves....but that's not really new for me. There again, I try to give myself the speech I have always given both my kids, "everyone has their own stuff, and their stuff is just as important to them as our stuff is to us". Hhmm, welp, that is not working much either. If they have happy healthy children ...of any age....I still want to tell them to get over themselves and shut the...I think you get it. Um that seems to be where I am right now....
I was thinking today...no comments please....but I was thinking of everyone at the luncheon that I did not get to talk to and that we do not have pictures of....it upsets me. Denise, I really wanted to talk to you and Amy. You made a huge impression on an old school friend of mine!!! She immediately said how awesome you and Amy were. I am jealous that she got to sit and talk to you guys. Mickie...I don't mean your old...you know what I mean. But Denise I hope to see you soon. And the ton of other people that I didn't get to chat with. I need to practice my social butterfly crap....ok, so I need to LEARN the social butterfly crap! Oh my look how I have just blathered on..(that word was in the Ken Follett book, took place during WWI) thought you needed to know that. ...hhhmm and I am out of Peach wine. thank you to AP and Sue for those bottles..they were awesooommmee. AP how's the four wheeler? and how are your nerves!! Peach wine is good for that.
Anyway..
This dude, no one can compare to him...ever....no one. Bigger than life, brighter than sunrise and more sparkly than the stars. MY son, my friend...

Goodnight Jeddie. really, truly, this gets harder everyday. I need you to tell me what I am waiting for...it is a bit annoying...to use one of your favorite words...to feel as if I am waiting, all the time. Missing you beyond coherent thought.
Mommy Loves you
Love J & K

Jed's END OF CHEMO Party
One year ago today.....so much hope...


Ella and Livi-Mac


Amy, DJ and Jed


Savannah, Holly and Jed....




Jed with Phin and Nola


Tiersa, Jed Livi-Mac and Uncle Adam


My guys


I wish it was last year. I miss you Jed. I hate this. It gets harder everyday.
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K