July 2008...Jed and all his loot from Carlisle Bike Week. They were all so nice. Especially Sara and Jody.


I know I used a picture you all have seen a million times but I just don't have it in me to search through them tonight.
I told Jed the other day that I had not gotten a quarter in awhile. This morning when I took the laundry from the washer to the dryer a quarter popped out and landed right at my foot. It was the ONLY coin in the wash...so I know it's mine. Thanks lovey.
I just keep trying to remember that Jed is healthy and happy and he is here with me all the time. It's just not the way it was. I would rather have it this way though. I would rather be the one struggling...not him. Ya know, I was thinking today that it is really hard work to just keep going. More so than I realized. It is a constant effort to just keep on. It's work to drag your mind from the black hole and make it think of the good stuff. Why is it so easy to fall into that hole? To just drown in the sadness? I wonder why you don't gravitate toward the good thoughts, why is that not the place your mind is automatically drawn to? I guess the struggle is part of the lessons we are here to learn. Good God, let me tell you.....all this crap better end up being worth big time bonus points when I get to go.
In true Jed sarcastic fashion, as I am in LAW class, doing little mock trials, I get a text from Savannah....actually 4 texts. When I open them it is her telling me she is being given a speeding ticket. So while I am learning the law....she is breaking it....funny Jed...too bad it involves paying money.
I really like my paralegal professor...have I said this before? Probably. Anyway she kind of seems like the me I would have been if I had made smart decisions, been a bit more driven (well, had any drive at all), and had been really smart.
Maybe I just think that because she is little and blond, and she has a 13 yr old son. I had spent the afternoon before my first class with her looking around at all the people at my school. All the women there, that are my age, wear slacks, and sweaters and scarves....not in a fashionable way....more like a middle age woman kind of way. I was getting depressed thinking I was entering the slacks, sweater, scarf (ugly shoe) point of my life. It was not a pleasant thought but I also didn't want to be one of those over 40 women that dress like they are 18...that is just as depressing. SO... when I walked into her room and she was wearing a cute dress and cute shoes I was thrilled! She is a professional...a lawyer for gods sake....and a trial lawyer at that...BUT she is cute and not frumpy..thank god. So now I guess you know what deep thoughts I am entertaining most of the time. So..I will leave you contemplating those extra deep thoughts of mine.



Goodnight Sweet Pea. Missing your sweet smiling face and ALWAYS missing your awesome, slightly twisted, sarcastic comments. oh Jed, please help my mind flow toward the beautiful things and away from the hole that has all that pain in it. Playing the shoulda coulda woulda game is just not the way I want to honor your great strength. Remembering all the bad things is a disservice to your hard won fight....and I know you have won. Nobody loves you like...Mommy Loves You
Love J & K