So, last year on this day.....well it sucked...bad. Today......I'm sure with some divine help...tolerable.
My 1st exam was not too bad, I have at least a b, law presentation...A+!!! HA and my big exam tonight...wasn't too bad..I think. I'll find out next week. Now I am home eating chicken noodle soup. :)
Ok remember when I wrote about my ride to school the other day, I told Renee that if she was with Jed I wanted to see a girl wearing red pumps at school. Right away the highway seemed full of red vehicles...of all kinds. That lasted just about the whole way to school. I said I let her off the hook for the red pumps..after all those red vehicles I cut her some slack. Today, I was sitting in the lobby waiting for business law to start so I could get this presentation over with and a girl walked by. I looked down at her shoes...don't know why. and Yes she was wearing RED PUMPS. She walked by and then came back stood a bit in front of me looking around and then she walked away. The guy sitting in the other chair said "who wears red pumps?" HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA! How flippin' cool is that. I wanted to jump up and say "hey, everyone, look..RED PUMPS" but I didn't, I just smiled and thanked Renee. So very, very cool. Oh and these weren't regular red pumps, they were shiny and had bows...like christmas party red pumps!! Love it. The moment felt almost...magical..really. SO now there is no doubt, she is with Jed. What a pair they are. Two major smart asses. I can hear the sarcasm flying :)



Goodnight baby Jed, still missing you...more than I can say. But this year I can say I know you are healthy and there is no sickness, fear or pain ahead for you. That is a lovely thought. Nothing but sunshine and happiness for you now. You more than deserve it. Hug your sidekick up there for me....she was VERY clear with her message. You two must be having a blast. Mommy loves you...more than life.
Love J & K
Happy 100 days till THON....happy and sickening at the same time.....I have to remember everyday is not a day longer that I have been apart from Jed but everyday is a day closer to being with him again. Well if that deer on the berm of the highway that was staring at me in the dark while I passed it doing 80 had leaned forward ... I guess it's not my time yet.

The Jedediah Thomas Smith Foundation logo is taking shape....not quite there but close. ...

I have been studying ALL day. Environmental science exam at 9:30am tomorrow, law presentation at 1pm, finish my excel test at 4:30 & a big paralegal exam at 6pm. I want tomorrow to be over. All that and on such a crappy day. I can't even really talk about it but one year ago tomorrow was a devastating day...for all of us.
But even then....I was positive all would be ok. This is not the ok I wanted but it is the best ok for Jed so I cannot argue. Saying I feel destroyed is an understatement.
How dramatic. but really that is a good way to describe how I feel.
I carry Jed's back pack every day with his glasses, survivor bracelet and his tigger. It reminds me that he made the most of some horrible situations.


My best, sweetest memories are so entangled in disgustingly painful situations. Today I was telling Jaz's mom how when we would come in Jed would right away say he wanted all his meds IV...it was the one perk of being inpatient. When he was ready to leave he would drag his pole to the nurses station and tell whoever was there to "change my meds to PO I'm going home"! He could go from being flat on his back for 2 weeks to up and dressed and ready to go in less than an hour. It was like a switch was flipped. See a funny sweet memory wrapped around a bad situation. Sooo, as horrible as tomorrow will be, and as much as I am expected to conquer tomorrow...it is nothing, not even a speck of what Jed did everyday.
and I have homemade chicken noodle soup...thanks mom. Poor Danny is doing what Stacy at work so kindly called the "geriatric shuffle". his back went out at work yesterday...just in time for our trip...poor guy.
Hold me up tomorrow Jeddie. oh I guess you really need to hold Danny up!!!Mommy Loves you..
Love J & K
Just remembered I have to do a project for environmental science that is due the day we get home....so it has to be finished before next Friday. and I picked something about TMI and sealing the reactor...I don't even know what that means.

I'm really just supposed to just keep going, day after day? This is a very special kind of hell


Baby Love, I am missing you beyond words.
Mommy Loves you
Love J & K

Missing my funny friend.....I want to go to sleep now and wake up in February.





Oh Jeddie, the future just looks so gray and empty without you. I am missing you desperately.
Mommy loves you..always
Love J & K

That's the life :) ...and the only cool thing about that house we lived in...loved that bathtub!

I worked on my business law paper today. I have it about halfway written. I haven't even begun to study for my 2 exams on Wednesday. UGH, what have I done. Danny said today, "so basically school has taken over your life", yup.

This evening I took Dad to a message circle!!! Yes I said Dad. First thing, his grandmother that raised him was there. She said she was claiming him as her own. Francine got quite a few things right. She asked Dad if he had motorcycles sitting in his garage that were not ridden! She also told me the same thing I have heard 2 other times....that Jed felt like he went to sleep here and woke up over there! That was my goal. When I knew I had to let him go all I wanted was for him to not be scared, not be in pain and just go peacefully. He did. I know I made the correct decision. Some thought I should have allowed him to wake up enough to explain what was happening....no way. I knew how I wanted it to go and that is exactly what happened. It was nice to hear it for the 3rd time. Again I sat next to a woman that lost her son. He was 21 and died in a motorcycle accident. ugh. This has happened a few times now.
So anyway I have to go write this paper.
Thanks Jeddie for coming to talk and Ma too. I wish I was with you but for now just remember, Mommy Loves You......you can come see me :)
Love J & K

Lovely...


Jed came to visit dad in a dream a few nights ago. Jed was chatting with all the old guys, my grandfathers and dad's grandfather. He was holding court on a porch telling them all some kind of story. He turned and looked at my dad, did the famous eye roll and waved. Dad said he looked great, awesome hair and wearing his crocs. So very cool.

Ok Jed...my turn!

Missing your sweet funniness. Just missing all of you. Mommy Loves you....forever
Love J & K

Trish and Pete...We love you.....glad things are headed up! :) Squeeze the Chunka Love

Best Friends.....always...


Such a very long day. First test was better then I thought especially after I hung with the smart people for a half an hour before class. The second test...was moved until next Monday. Next Wednesday will be a VERY long day. I have an exam in environmental science, I have my BIG presentation in business law and I have a VERY BIG EXAM in my paralegal class....... Yipee. So I guess I better get to work...or bed.

My Lovey, I don't know why I keep waking up everyday, I don't know how I can feel this bad, miss you this much and still get up and go through my day. I don't understand it but I guess I have no choice....so on I go. Thanks for your constant help and love. I know you are here..trying to help. I'm pretty needy, good thing you are healthy and strong...I will be keeping you busy. Me and many others. I won't even talk about the date....it's just too unreal to believe. I can hold on the the fact that one more day down is one day closer to you. Mommy Loves you sweet pea.
Love J & K

YES I am raising flaming liberals...and I am proud of it :)

Oh Jeddie, Savannah voted for the first time EVER and this was the first time that I can remember Jed not being with me....Everything is like that.

I spent 2 hrs this morning working on this stupid computer class stuff. My "learn Excel" class SUCKS. I hate numbers and I REALLY hate letters with my numbers...all these dumb formulas...ugh. I have a test tomorrow and I am hoping it's one that is just the follow direction type. Even that is hard though. YUCK
Then I spent 6 hrs looking up addresses for the Habitat stuff I volunteered for. I have 158 names and addresses and only made it through 2 1/2 pages of names....I have 3 1/2 more pages to go....whew ...I didn't know what I was getting into!

I have 2 tests tomorrow and I really need to get this business law project finished and get my environmental science project started....aaaaaahhhhh. Everything seems 100x harder than it should because my brain is so foggy and scattered. It takes a lot of energy to stay focused. Everything seems so HARD. Am I whining? Guess so. I just feel as if I am dragging myself through mud all the time. Shut up Kristin, here I sit whining and I have stuff to do......I'd rather whine.
Jeddie Spaghetti, the election returns just won't be fun without you yelling down to ask me who is winning. I am missing you desperately. Mommy Loves you SO Very Much.
Love J & K

I love you Dietz Family :) Amy, you always run the other way when the camera comes out...me too...!



Today as I was driving to school I was talking to Jed and Renee. I said Renee if you are with Jed I want to see a pair of red pumps on someone today. As soon as I said this I looked at the oncoming lane and all of a sudden chunks of traffic with almost all red vehicles were coming by. Now I know some of you think I'm crazy...and I am but this was so obvious I was laughing out loud, I mean big trucks, little cars, I bet more than 80% of all those vehicles were a shade of red. The truck next to me was red, the car in front, behind and the car in front of the truck! Plus those big chucks of red traffic coming the other way. It was crazy. I let her off the hook for the red pumps...she's a smart ass anyway.

I stopped at the Dietz's on my way home from school to drop off their t-shirts from the luncheon. Kim was there with 2 of her kids....it was fun and lively. I stayed for a bit :) I loved seeing everyone...especially my guy...DJ is almost as tall as me and he wears a size 13 shoe....holy god! Love this family.



Missing you baby love. Come see me in my dreams. Mommy Loves You..always
Love J & K