I guess I picked this picture because I decorated a tree to take over for Jed tomorrow....it is all Penn State of course. Well that and because it's a great pic with come of my fave people in it :)

I found out tonight that a girl I knew as a child has lost her child. He was born when we were seniors in high school. I babysat him once when he was a very new infant. I have not seen them in many many years and have only spoken to her a very few times in all these years. He was 23. Please send your love and strength to Robin Urey and her family.

Jeddie, I am missing you...as always. I made you a Penn State tree, I will take it over tomorrow. Blue, solar lights and all! It is pretty cool. I hate not having you here, there is nothing good about this at all at least from our end. Mommy loves you oh so very much.
Love J & K

"If you know someone who has lost a child, and you're afraid to mention them because you think you might make them sad by reminding them that they died--you're not reminding them. They didn't forget they died. What you're reminding them of is that you remembered that they lived, and......that is a great gift."

~Elizabeth Edwards~

My Guys...they are together.

Funny Friend, I am missing you..I say that all the time don't I? Welp, it's true and it is more true everyday. You are the brightest star in my sky. Mommy Loves you baby Jed
Love J & K

How happy does that kid look? No one can argue that she is HIS baby. :)
look at the fuzzy hair. love his long fingers. Oh Jeddie...

I had 4 of my 6 cavities filled today. I am trying to fix the damage of 3 years of neglect and a diet of coca-cola, sweat tea & rice krispie treats.

I don't really have much to say. Oh, thanks mom for dinner every week. It is awesome. That reminds me......
If you know someone that has a sick child or has lost a child offer to pick up or drop off or babysit the other siblings , so the parent can take a nap, or a shower or go to the store alone or just sit and stare at the wall if that is what they need to do. You could go to the store for them, go do their laundry, clean their kitchen, ask their kids what they like to eat and make it for them all, put their trash out, rake their leaves. Tell them, I want to take your kids for a few hours what day is best. Don't just keep saying "call me if you need me", I'm here for you" offer to do specific things or ask, ask what is something that if they didn't have to do it would make their day a bit easier. I didn't have younger children at home but if I did I think I would have loved someone to say, "on Thursdays I am picking your kids up after school, I will bring them back at bed time". Do it every week or even every other or even JUST ONCE. Don't make them ask, or tell you what to do...that is the most exhausting thing. Knowing everyone loves you is nice but making any decisions or asking for something is hard and tiring and damn near impossible.
Oh and one more thing, this might sound harsh and I am not demeaning any one's grief but don't say you know how they feel because you miss your grandma or even your parents. No matter how close you were it was not your child.....there is no comparison...unless you have lost a child you cannot, in any way relate. Ok, that is my rant for the day.

Baby Jed, mommy misses you more than words can explain. It's not easier and I am realizing it will never be. I just keep remembering that you are ok and that I WILL be with you at some point. Everyday down is a day closer to you.
Mommy loves you Jeddie
Love J & K

Taking it day by day is getting harder. I am about minute by minute right now.


I have been thinking about the kid on the snorkeling boat with us. I think I mentioned him. He sat out front like we did, getting wet and having fun. He was lanky and blond. He did not look like Jed but he resembled Jed. All knees and elbows. At one point he stared at me, for a long minute, and then he smiled. It was heart stopping for me.

I am missing you baby Jed. Mommy Loves you...always
Love J & K

Jeddie my love...missing you...more and more everyday.
Mommy Loves You
love J & K

Happy Birthday Mommo.....


xoxoxoxo
Dinner tomorrow at Adam's for Mommo's birthday. yay cake

Jeddie I am MISSING you....there really are no other words for it. I just feel...tired, not sleepy tired....just ...tired. Everything is so hard it's ridiculous. I feel like a slacker but everything feels like it takes 100 times more effort than it should. I just keep reminding myself that you did all you did...and you did it with a smile so I have to at least try. Everyday I try. Watching another family go through this is sickening. Then I meet people that have been without their child for 6,7,8 years and I think...which is worse? I cannot imagine not seeing you for that long but then, I could never imagine not seeing you for 11 months either...and here we are 11 months. I do not want to have to say I have not seen you in 1 whole year..but it's coming up and I can't stop it. I miss my baby, my friend, my constant companion. My heart breaks over and over everyday. Oh Jed, I am trying....I really am but good god this is hard. Mommy Loves You Jeddie Spaghetti .....always
Love J & K

Today was a long day. It was great to, once again, see the dedication and love from our PSU family. We are so grateful to all of them. They continue to be there....even under the worst circumstances.
We celebrated Jaz's life today. It was lovely. Long...but lovely. Yes, I know everyone does these things differently and I have a very short attention span. I behaved, for the most part, I sat still and tried not to fidget. Seeing some of our nurses today was great, I miss them all. Many people got up and spoke. Savannah was wonderful....and so was Mr. Mead....of course. (not that I am biased toward those two). There were funny stories and touching remembrances. All perfect for a wonderful girl. At the cemetery, Savannah walked up the hill with Jared where they left flowers for his sister Jenn. I know Savannah is exhausted and I am tired. Jay and Tammy and their family must really be wiped out.
I dug out "the dress" today. I wish if I threw it away kids would stop dieing. I bought this dress years ago thinking my grandmother might go soon and I should have something to wear...little did I know that 3 years later Gram would still be with us and I would have worn that dress to the services of 3 children, one being my own. I guess you really have no idea what is around the corner.


I miss you my funny friend. No matter how bad things were as long as you were with me I was ok. Now things are bad...and I don't have the comfort of being with you. I miss your funny smile and your smart mouth, your crazy comments and your twisted view of the world. I miss your sweet self, watching Family Guy, the Simpsons and jimmy newtron, Johnny test, spongebob, even chowder. There is nothing that I do not miss...every second of everyday. I am just glad you are safe and healthy and happy. We took flowers over tonight...from Jaz's service. They are a bit girlie but you like pretty flowers. Mommy loves you baby Jed...always....forever.
Love J & K

Jazmine Rae Cope.......

Hug your kids people.....and be grateful.
Mommy Loves you baby Jed.
Love J & K

Don't know why I picked this picture...

I just like it.
I am exhausted...I know poor me, tired from vacation...but I really am wiped out. I am skipping my morning class tomorrow. I have a project due..and I am not finished. Yes, that is the cowardly thing to do but tomorrow isn't actually my presentation just he general "due date" for the project. I will go for my other classes but just not that morning one.
I studied all day for my business law class then I went with Savannah to the mall. She needed clothes for Jaz viewing and service. Tomorrow evening is the viewing. Savannah is going with the family. I will go with her on Thursday to the service. After the mall we went to the Cope's for Jaz's little brother's birthday. We had ice cream cake :)
It's almost 10 now. I have WORK to do but what am I doing??? Not the work obviously. I really would quit if there was something else for me to do. Next week I have 3 finals on one day. :(
Oh Holly....how Jed loves you..

Look at those smiles! Yes this picture is completely random but they are so smiley.
Good night baby Jed. Missing you...really missing you. Coming home is SOOOO hard. I am tired of doing this, tired of fighting to get through the days, tired of the emptiness. Of course I will keep trying but I am tired. Thinking of your fight and your strength, if you could do what you did I can at least try to do what I need to do...I guess. Mommy Loves you Sweet potato
Love J & K

Back to real life....boooo. It was something like 25 degrees this morning. So unnecessary. I swear my plane landed and my tan faded immediately. Danny said last night as he was getting into bed...hey, my tan is fading already!! See it's not just me. What will not fade are the wonderful memories from our trip to the Slatton/Linclon household....on St. Croix...lovely.
Here is a picture of my FAVORITE place on the island.....

That is MY beach....oh and bar :)

My flight home was uneventful...well except when the check in lady told me I was "good to go" and I left. I left without my bag that I was to take with me through customs...and I was all the way through security, putting on my shoes when a HUGE guy comes up and says "what's you name" in an unfriendly voice. He then took me all the way back through customs and security and crap. Gave me my bag....that the counter lady had TAKEN from me......then I got to do it all again...yay. but that's all for events. Kinda...
Ok so this picture is a bit creepy but on my flight from St. Thomas to Philadelphia I look to the right and back a bit and these are the legs I saw....

yes it's dark and hard to see but those are skinny legs in cargo shorts crossed with blue crocs....I almost choked. I swear under other circumstances I would have been positive that was Jed without seeing any other part of the kid. It was Jed....telling me I was not "flying solo" as my brother called it. crazy...but very cool.
See look at this leg...and yes I am WELL aware that this is right on the line of
freak-dom...but still..

Sooo, yes I am home and back to my crazy self.
The dog doesn't seem to care that we are home really. Thanks Mom and Dad for taking care of "cujo".
UGH I am COLD!!!!!! I do not like it Sam I am..I think my brain is freezing. I have a test and a project. Oh today we had a guest lecturer for environmental science....she happened to be the person that trains my brother every 5 weeks when he has to renew his reactor operator license. Now I guess it will be known that Adam has a "slow" sibling. She was giving out ice scrapers for correct answers....no, I did not get an ice scraper....shut up I don't want to hear it. Who needs a stupid ice scraper anyway.
I am missing Kate's awesome laugh, Russ' chill attitude, Azure's little voice and Elan's HUGE smile. I am missing the warmth, the sun, the crystal clear water. I am missing the whole vibe of the place and the lovely family there. Love St. Croix. I love that it is not a built up tourist place. Going back??? Right now is not soon enough.

Baby Love, I am missing you more than any words could ever describe. Yes, I see your signs, I am so appreciative of all the hard work you are doing for me and you seem to be showing Jaz the ropes! Give extra special love to Jaz's family....they need it. Watch over your sister and give her extra strength to handle all this. I MISS YOU JED. Mommy Loves you
Love J & K
I am literally shaking while I type this it is so cold in here....UGH!