"We grow to Heaven. We don't go to Heaven. We grow through love within & in practice. The central factor determining our level of spiritual growth & the level of Heaven we attain after death, is the degree to which we have lived for the sake of others out of love."

I read this on a website that I found while searching for something, anything that could possibly make me feel better. It made a small dent. The past few weeks have been harder ....not really surprising I guess. Christmas, it used to be so fun and exciting, now it just feels a bit odd and disorienting. I am constantly thinking, Jed would like that gift, oh wait until Jed sees those lights, I know Jed is anxious for Christmas breakfast....oh...wait...oh yeah.
I hear a Christmas carol and I have a split second of the feeling of the season, it barely lasts for a blink. I refuse to wrap anything, I am not sure why, it just feels like something I cannot and do not want to do. Really, to fall back to my go-to word, it sucks. It just all sucks. I hate it and I am tired of it being this way. I want my son...NOW. I have had enough. It is almost 2 years, 2 whole heartbreaking, joy draining, constant pain filled years. I played along, I persevered. I get up every morning, I shower, I even am 1 semester away from an associate's degree, I still pay the bills (when I have money) I still am functioning (kinda) , I really think I have played the game well. Now it's time to end this shit and give me my kid back. I proved I could keep going, now I want to be finished. It's exhausting. When Jed was here and things were hard.....at least I could hang out with him, help him feel better which in turn made me better. This all just keeps getting harder. Everyday I think this is it I cannot handle anymore but I still wake up the next morning...and I make myself join the world as best as I can that day. Some days I don't like to leave the house but other days I must. When I finish school in the spring and am forced to get a job I will have to do it every single day.........that sounds like hell. Yes I know everyone does it, and I know I have to but it still sounds frightening. I will have to actually plan those "no leaving the house" days for weekends. How the hell do I do that? Jesus. I will put that one aside for now I guess.
I will have some practice starting Jan. 24th. I have an internship at the Domestic Violence Clinic in Lancaster on Tuesday's and Friday's 8:30am - 5:30pm. No, I am not excited and no I do not want to...but again, I guess I have to do something. I have 2 classes on Monday and Wednesday also.

My whole holiday attitude


Danny and Livi-Mac hanging out on Christmas...weirdos

Ok, onward....
So news that is sad but yet exciting (for me because I am kind of twisted). My Grandmother passed on last week. We got the call as we were headed home from delivering toys to Hershey. It is sad because she is not here but I am excited for her. She has a son she has not seen in over 60 years!!! I wish she could call me and let me know how it all went. I am patiently waiting for my sign of 2 dimes and a nickle so I know she is with Jeddie. I am sure they are cooking up a storm. It's good to know they are all together and she is feeling fine now. Grandma, call me. Jed will show you how!!!!

Thanksgiving 2008

I have lots I could write about but not much of it is really interesting enough to read! Yes, I got all A's last semester and yes it was hard. Thanksgiving sucked. The food was great but it was hell sitting there through it. Savannah and I were rude and spent some of the time surfing her phone for places we would rather be next year. Oh and it's not the company we are trying to escape, really, it's just the whole "feeling" of it. Too heavy, too hard and of course that just adds to the fun for everyone else. Lucky it was just us this year.

2008, that little fat thing is now in school part time. Montessori, just like Savannah :)

We went to The Family Carnival for the unveiling of the THON 2012 logo, I love it!

We also, of course, had to feed Savannah before we left...Chip and Mead (Ryan) came along...

I spend a lot of time in my "little blue room". Pretending I can sew stuff. I have this little pile of baby clothes. My abilities are not quite up to retail standards! But if I stay in here and just pretend I am making stuff it keeps my head busy. I got a TV from mom & Dad for Christmas for my little room. The cable guy is coming Wednesday to run the wire.

I wish sitting in here paid the mortgage

Danny goes back to work full time next week. Then it is very quiet evenings. Weird how quiet the house gets. Savannah is here for another week and of course that means Kyle is here too. So right now it's good.

Halloween 2009

I guess that is about all I have....Oh wait, cool Jed stuff. I was coming home from school and texting Savannah, I talk-to-text so don't freak out, anyway we are having this conversation back and forth, all of a sudden my phone just stops doing stuff, then it says, "your message is addressed to Fred & Jed".. He wanted to make sure I knew he was in on the conversation. After I got home the night of my first final, no one was home. I threw my bag down on the ottoman and turned away. I heard everything fall out of it. All the crap in the bottom and all the pennies that accumulate there. I turned around to see the mess and the only thing that came out was 1 quarter (on the floor) and 1 dime (on the book)

I text Trish right away and told her "the boys say hi, they are having fun and will see us when it's time."

The only festive type thing I wanted anything to do with...


This is what I made for Savannah for Christmas...it is very warm :)

Soon I will tell you about out trip to Hershey Med and all about our plans for clinic.

Baby Jed....Mommy loves you

Love K & J

The Jedediah Thomas Smith Memorial Luncheon 2012

Saturday September 29th

MARK YOUR CALENDAR!!!!!



Come help us fight childhood cancer in memory of Jed
on his 15th Birthday!

Mommy Loves you Baby Jed
Love J & K

I keep telling myself "Jed called, he is doing great and having a blast. Jackson is with him, they are having so much fun and will see us when we get there". Yes, I got all that out of my phone call. He didn't need to say anymore than "Hi Mom" I got it, I know what he meant. Do I wish he would call again? Of course, every time my house phone rings I hope....I will just keep hoping. It's crazy, I have read about mom's getting phone calls from their kids that have "gone home". I never, ever thought I would get one. Leave it to Jed.....my kids are flipping amazing. :)



The background of my phone call sounded like a very full playground. I could hear tons of kids laughing and yelling. I couldn't hear what they were saying except when I asked "who is this" and a little squeaky voice said "no one". Oh Jackson your a funny little thing. I have this vision in my head of Jed standing in a playground with Jackson and the J's around, getting jostled by other kids and trying not to laugh as he talks to me on the phone. He just kept saying "hi mom, hi mom :) it is sunny and warm and all the kids are happy and playing. I'm good with that.


The two Funny Men.......such sweet boys.....

Baby love, I miss you with every breath. Thank you for the phone call....it's something to hang on to.

Everyday down is a day closer to being with you.
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K


Shelly, funny that you commented I was thinking about you! xo

Yeah I know 2 posts back to back what's happening...well I have a story.
So last night about 10:30 my house phone rang. I looked at the caller ID and it was a cell number I did not know. When I answered there was no one there. I thought for a minute that maybe I should call it back....but I decided not to probably just a wrong number. This morning about 7:20 the house phone rang, I grabbed it and I thought to myself I think this is the same number as last night. Here is how the conversation went.
Me: Hello?
Voice: Hi Mom
(now this sounds like Savannah but just a little off like she might be upset so I am trying to stay calm)
Me: hey, what's up
Voice: Hi Mom
Me: Savannah?
(now I hear lots of kids in the background but I cannot make out what anyone is saying)
Me: Is this Savannah, who is this?
A back round voice: no one
Me: Hello?
Voice: Hi Mom, Hi Mom Hi mom
Me: who is this?
Voice Hi Mom
then the phone is dead.

As soon as I hung up and cleared any fear for Savannah out of my head I realized that yes the voice sounded like Savannah but it sounded EXACTLY like JED!!!! Then it hit me, like a truck..whenever Jed would call me when I answered he always said "hi mom" and I would say "hi Jed"
Oh how I wished I had said Hi Jed!
It was so clear and so exactly his voice. I wanted to jump up and down!

When Mickie and Mom and I went to Francine I was a bit disappointed because Jed did not have much to say to me. Francine said, "everytime he comes he is stronger" then she told me that he was saying hi to "dad" (Danny) and he was excited about and proud of all the things Savannah is doing and she told my mom that he says she needs to take care of herself and she is still not doing that even though he told her that before! But nothing really for me....but now
Now I have a phone call!!! Jed that was FABULOUS you ROCK!! Thank you.

dude you are soooo cool :)

Thanks baby Jed
Mommy loves you
love J & K

Not sure why I am writing or what I am writing. I am so tired of being sad and tired but I see no end to it...trying to learn to live this way is exhausting. I miss everyone at clinic and on 7 west. As sick as it sounds I even miss my "bench". The quiet nights of just Jed and I and Adult Swim on TV, the midnight puzzles and 2am slushies. I miss watching him make his Christmas lists over and over as he does a ton of research about the stuff he wanted. He would even look to see where it was the cheapest! I miss his funny giggle and his crazy sock puppets when he was bored. I miss how happy he would be when we got home and the constant visits from the Domino's driver.
I just miss my Jed. When I say everyday is harder I am not just being dramatic it is very true.

Blue finding a clue!

I hope you all had a great Halloween.

Yes this was an odd random post...I know.

Jed, my love, I have no words. I will just keep going until I get there. Mommy Loves you
Love J & K

So, tomorrow is the 25th. For so many years October 25th was the worst day. The day I dreaded. In 1990 we lost Renee and in 1994 we lost my Grandfather...yeah October 25th is a crappy day. Now of course another day has taken over as the "worst" but we won't talk about that.
This post is filled with old pictures....just a warning....... :)

On October 25th, and everyday, Peg, Daryl and family my heart is with you.

My beautiful Bad Ass Friend.....and my dorky little brother....


Back in the Day.......

I almost didn't post this, but with a little creative editing it is ok to use.. Granddad AND Renee are in it so I had too. oh and yes my hair is red

I miss you ...I know you and Jed are together being smart mouth, bad asses while you keep an eye on all of us. I know Granddad is there too....doing his "laugh without sound" and funny little smile.... The child that is named after you is amazing....the 2 of you would have been quite the pair.

Mom, Granddad and Grandma "A"

The suave FBI agent with his women, cigarette and bourbon...Life is Good

Most of my pictures of Granddad are him on the bay fishing...


That's me with him. He is explaining something important that I am supposed to learn....little does he know that in less than a half an hour I will be throwing up none stop for hours.....then my brother will start too and Granddad will run 3 deep sea lines with 4 hooks on each for most of the day while we puke. aaahhh my one and only deep sea fishing trip. While he loved to be on the sea....I just love to be next to it.


My brother and Granddad in the little bay boat....my dad is standing there too....


A and TO...as Savannah named him..


The bay...and A & TO I have so so many memories from this place....


Oh this is a classic, must have been A's birthday. Aunt Paula and Suzy were there too..

I know he is the one that came to meet Jed, along with my other Grandfather. I know they are hanging out and Renee comes by to make sure they are behaving themselves :) We miss them so so much but I am selfishly happy that they are there to take care of my Jeddie.

This not very flattering picture is to tell you that the smallest one in the group got married yesterday! Congrats to Felicia and Anai...

She is the youngest of Granddad's 6 Grand kids.

I came home from class tonight with the intention of scanning in some pictures of Renee and Granddad. So now it is 2 1/2 hours and 125 scanned pictures later.....very few of which are of Renee and Granddad. I get so caught up in them. I have this nifty little scanner that Danny got me and it makes it so quick to scan. I thought I was doing great, then I realized, when I am ready to scan more I will never be able to remember what was scanned and what was not....I needed a system but that's not really my style.

Jeddie and Freddie, I think that is Raven with them, we didn't have him very long :(


Savannah and Sarah having a discussion...


Oh Fred, such an original...


Yes there is a picture of Jeddie....of course! Here he is...the beach baby..


Jeddie Spaghetti the days continue to get harder and the faster they go the happier I am. "Happy" is relative though....I miss you with every breath. THON 5K was this Sunday. It was nice to see everyone but I always feel pointless without you there. I feel untethered, I don't know what I am supposed to be doing. I don't like it. I just miss you. I hope every night that when I wake up in the morning this would all have been a nightmare, that I dreamed all this hell and you really are in your room getting ready to knock on the wall. I hope, but of course it doesn't happen. but I will keep hoping.
Your sister is doing amazing things...keep watching over her.
Mommy loves you........always
Love J & K

oh this child.....

Happy 14th Birthday Jeddie
























Memories of Birthdays Past

For Jed's birthday we had dinner at the Saloon....just the regulars but minus Savannah and DJ. Thank you to the Mc-Sheely-Heindle clan for being there to remember Jeddie. Adam. Liv & Tiersa and mom and dad were there too...along with Nana and Pappaw. Like I said...the regulars...minus...my 3 kids....No Savannah, No DJ and of course no Jeddie,,, I know he was watching though.
So many things I want to say....but I just don't want to open it all up. My heart breaks every moment of everyday and my dreams are filled with happier days.
My new mantra is "I will just keep going until I get there" "There" is wherever Jed is...I will just keep going until I get there. I will do my best to do it with a smile....fake or not...and try to find a way to have to most positive attitude that I can have.. that's all I've got.

We are headed to see Savannah on Sunday YAY! (real smile)
now I have to go study real estate law terms...yup ..yes..now I am wearing my fake smile.

Really, when you know your happiest days are behind you, the clear bright joyous days...the ones with no clouds..when you know they are all finished it is hard to be positive. When the missing makes it hurt to breathe....with every single breath and the sadness is like a heavy blanket wrapped around you that you drag every where you go sometimes even faking a smile is difficult. BUT..I keep working on it...everyday I try...some days not so much but at least a bit everyday.

Jed I miss you more EVERY DAY...EVERY DAY is harder without you....
I hope you had pizza and corn dogs and Dr. Pepper for your birthday today.
Mommy Loves You Baby Jed....always
Love J & K

I don't feel like writing but here are some pictures. The national unveiling of the Angel Quilt happened this weekend right here at Wisehaven. Malcolm & his mom Julie are on a quest to take it all around the country....the quilt growing as it goes and next September, for childhood cancer awareness month, it will go to DC. Hopefully the visual of all the faces of these kids killed by cancer will spur on some funding for research. Malcolm & his mom have a foundation called Make Some Noise. They raise money for research specifically. I think that is wonderful.

This is Malcolm and Julie...he was so tired...poor guy I just wanted to take him home and put him to bed!


Here is Danny wearing the shirt Jeddie made him..


The McWilliams were represented at the unveiling! Grace, Meg, Jace, my dumpling Jett and even Johnny!!!!!!! it was great to see them all.


The Dumpling


3 of our 4 J's


Jared even came home to see the quilt...


Hop showing us his "good side" Mommo was there too but she dodged the picture...I think you can see Nana in the mirror...Pappaw was there too somewhere...


and Mickie came!

Thank you to Louise for fixing it so the Angel Quilt came to York and putting on such a great event. Thank you to my family and friends for coming out and being there and thank you so much to Malcolm and Julie for the tons of hard work, energy & time they are putting into it. Malcolm....take a break, play some video games...relax a bit !!!

Last weekend Mickie, Sherry Ward and I went to the beach for 5 days...we only got 1 sunny day but it was fun...

The view from our balcony ...

Coming home was not what I expected..it didn't even occur to me that it would be a problem....but it was horrible..I came home to no kids. For some reason it hit me like a truck. I'm not sure why, it's not like I didn't know there were no kids here...I think I just pretended like everyone was home waiting for me.........but it was just poor Danny who had been on his own for 5 days.. I'm not sure which is worse.

We celebrated A's birthday.....Livi-Mac was very happy with the cupcakes..

I really don't feel like writing much. Savannah was home for the weekend, now the house is very quiet. Next Sunday we will go up there for Harvest Day (a THON event)...funny we never went to Harvest Day with Jeddie...

So anyway, that's it. I have been going to zumba with Maggie once a week and sometimes I tag along when she walks her dog...but after seeing the pictures of myself over the last few months I realize I better stop eating too! ugh...the fun never ends...

Yes, I am still my fun perky self...see?

There is just more of me lately.....my near future looks full of veggies and non-alcoholic beverages...oh yipee

Thursday Jed will be 14....14 years old....my little love...I am missing him so much...so so much.

We are going to see the quilt again between 4:30 & 5 then going to the Saloon for dinner....if you want to join us let me know so we can make reservations for dinner!!

Jed.....I can't even say it.....it's just too big. I just want you to come home.
Mommy Loves You Baby Jed
Love J & K