Our 1st Official J.T.S. Foundation Event ....




Great Crabs & Great Friends ..come hang out with us and help us kick off the J.T.S. Foundation "Officially"

The link to the Foundation's blog is on the top on right.




Jed my love.....I just miss you....so much....all the time

Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Keep looking out for Eli

This was the thrill of my day...


Right as I turned the camera off the guy on the radio said, "that was for Jed in Lancaster...... :)
The song that was playing always made me cry when Jed was here. We would sing it in the car.


I don't have much to say. It is to freakin cold out...not happy. I need to start working on my freckle population....it is declining rapidly.


The J.T.S. Foundation has a twitter account now.....we don't have anything to tweet about but hey, it's one step closer. Also we are getting closer to a logo...so excited. Kirsten is so creative, we are lucky she has taken the foundation on as a project...Thank you Kirsten.

We ordered silicone bracelets last night. They are red & say
The J.T.S. Foundation Fighting Childhood Cancer
They should be here next week.. $ 2.00 each. I will let ya'll know when we have them.
We are also tentatively planning a little family crab feast at Wisehaven. June 25th. It all depends on the prices we can get for crabs. I scrapped the roller skating since I figured the only people there would be Mickie and I :) Not much of a fundraiser.



oh, they make my heart stop.....

Jeddie, sometimes the missing is too big for words.
Mommy Loves You.forever
Love J & K

I found these in Jed's room the other day and just felt the need to take a picture of them...not sure why. I do know Jed was so thrilled to be stockpiling homework passes!

Today I went roller skating...yes I did. I met a high school friend there are we skated and chatted....mostly chatted. The funny thing is the rink is now right next to our high school! The other day I just thought, "I want to skate on Saturday." Not sure why but I really wanted to go and when Mick said she would meet me there I thought...Saturday is the day to go. I did think to myself, "I wonder why I want to go..and I wonder why I want to go on Saturday?" But everyone knows I'm weird. Anyway it was a nice few hrs and I really suck at skating now...I need to skate more to get back in the groove. It has to be good for you right? Anyway, it was fun. While we were sucking down bottles of water and I was huffing and puffing, I looked up and there was Mr. Phillips and his gorgeous wife! Mr. Phillips was Jed's 6th grade teacher AND the giver of those homework passes! The BEST part....he was wearing his luncheon shirt. I want to cry just thinking of it. The fact that a whole year has passed, Mr. Phillips has an entire new class to think about but he still thinks of Jed...he was wearing his shirt!!!! Makes me very very happy. The Phillips are going to have a baby in 10 weeks. We ALL know how Jed LOVES babies. This will be another one of "Jed's babies". A special group that Jed watches over with extra special love and care.
Jed and Mr. Phillips

I love this picture so much and I know they would have been lifelong friends.....they WILL be :)
I'm sure Jed wanted me to see that others are still thinking of him...he knows how important that is to me. That is why he wanted me to go TODAY! and talking to Mick was great. Weird that we were not that close in school....but have lived kind of parallel lives. We talked about how the job we loved most in the world is the job that has been taken from us, raising our kids. Both her boys are in their 20's, Savannah almost is and Jeddie got to "go home" before any of us.... Now we have to find a new purpose....a reason. Hate it, just want my old life back and I am having a problem dealing with the fact that I cannot have it, ever.
That's all for tonight. Danny bought me a new glue gun so I have been looking for things to glue. Really I am avoiding the 2 papers for english I need to write, the intra office memo (case brief), the cover letter and resume and the test I have to study for. I hate all this crap. I have decided to only take 3 classes this summer. 1 is partially online, 1 is all online and 1 is a weekly night class. I want to do what I do best.....grow freckles in the sun. Wish I could make a living doing that.
Danny and I actually saw each other today! With him working so much and me trying to pass all these classes we don't see each other a lot. We went to eat and then cruised around Home Depot...whoohoo excitement. I did get a new light for the bathroom. Now I wonder how long it will stay in the box on the floor in there!
ok, enough. Ariel....we think you are perfect...you are now my official escort around state college next THON...show me what the "cool" kids do. :)
Goodnight Baby Jed. Missing you....oh so much. Keep watch on Eli.
Mommy Loves You...always
Love J & K

Savannah Jed and Ma-B 2008


I went with mom, Savannah and Livi-Mac on Tuesday to see Ma-B. She knew us all right away no question about that. She has a hard time talking and it wears her out but she was pretty with it. Example; Ma-B said she wanted me to get a dollar out of her drawer so she could give it to Liv. I turned around and grabbed a dollar out of my bag (the fact that I had a dollar was weird) when I handed it to Gram she said "Not your money, MY money". So Savannah and I went over and pretended to dig out a dollar from her drawer. Gram said, "I know that is your dollar." We lied our asses off saying, "OOOHhhh no this came from your drawer." She gave it to Liv but she was not fooled one bit. Livi-Mac danced for her and sat on her lap. Liv did a great job of entertaining. It is so hard to make myself go there, not too sure why but I should really get over that. I'll put it on my list, oh wait..it's already on the list....from years ago. Yeah need to work on that. If it's hard for me to go there I cannot even begin to think about how hard it is for her to live there. Shit, now I really feel terrible.



If you read Savannah's blog you have already seen this picture. I told you Livi was the entertainment!

Yesterday in my Logic class we talked about wishful thinking, self deception, rationalization, suppression and denial. HA, so basically we were talking about me. I felt bad for the professor, he was talking about how sometimes something so bad can be happening and even though you have all the facts you still rely on wishful thinking and let's see, oh also how some people live in denial in order to function. There was more, it all boiled down to the fact that it's not healthy to live that way. It is better to face the truth and "work through it". I know he was really holding back and trying to be sensitive. I should have told him, "I am perfectly aware that scientists think my beliefs are "wishful thinking" and the fact that I spend a great deal of time pretending Jed is in his room is denial... I am perfectly fine with it. It gets me through the day." I actually had to laugh a bit as he described all these things......I know I do them all. :) Hey, whatever works. I think next Wednesday we are getting to the chapter called "The Pull of Pseudoscience and the Paranormal." Can't wait to see how this plays out. poor guy. I guess in someways he should be glad I do not take part in any of the discussions.

Oh my, she was a chuckle from the start...

I know Jed visits her but I wonder if she can still see him?

I think that's all for tonight. I know there were other things but...my mind just couldn't hold on to them. I have to get some kind of stupid cable adapter box for Savannah's Tv and for the kitchen TV. As of this morning I have no history channel, HGTV, Travel and the worst...no MSNBC...ugh....might have to move my kitchen table to the living room!

Love you baby Jed. I won't get all dramatic tonight. You know how much I am missing you but I also know you are here with me....just not the way we were...
Mommy Loves You always.
Keep looking out for Eli and all the other kids....there are just too many.
Love J & K

As we continue to get
The Jedediah Thomas Smith Foundation
off the ground keep these facts in your head....

46 children were diagnosed with cancer today and 7 children died today because of cancer. Your race, social class or the region you live in cannot protect your child. Pediatric cancer does not discriminate. It has no prejudices.
46 / 7..... EVERYDAY

Jed, Sniff and Me...in his cool ride to clinic...2007

So let's see what's new. Not too much. School was long today...and I was "shunned" by someone that sits next to me every Monday eve, except tonight she walked right by and sat in the back! Everyone (all 7 of us) stared with our mouths open. She did not even look at me! and to think when I answered her email about an assignment I not only tried to help I even sent her attachments of what I had done. Geeze! I feel like I'm in Jr. High... I hated it there.
Anyway, I spent the morning watching Hop try to change Savannah's tire. Last week it over heated and Hop fixed it. Today she got a flat on the way to school so he and I went up to try to fix it. Well, the wheel was so stuck on that we could not get it off. Ended up with security and maintenance coming to help. They were awesome...and it got changed...only took a couple of hours! Thank goodness for Hop and security and maintenance. Poor Hop was under the car with a hammer..it was wet and cold and he is gimpy! AND now Nana and Pappaw have told her to make an appointment at the dealer to get brakes and have the valve changed that we have been putting off. Thank goodness for Nana and Pappaw too. Gotta love Grandparents! So now we know she is definitely getting a AAA membership before she moves to State College.
Uh, let's see....OH.... THON 2012 started last night when Elaine Tanella was named THON overall!!!! Congrats! The sad thing is that it will be Ryan Mead's last THON...well, as a student anyway. UGH. I remember when he was just a cute little freshman on his first canning trip at my house! :)

That's him on the couch wearing the white sweatshirt next to Crooked, while Jed is digging in the bag of money! Oh those days....missing them.

Makes me want to cry....oh wait...I always cry...but still....I just have to say I am SOOOOO glad Ryan got to meet Jed. So very glad!
Anywho....That's all I have. I always think of things I want to say...but then they just don't come out! Please keep some people in your thoughts, Tony Sheppard, a family member serving in Iraq and his wife, my cousin Kimmy and their kids holding down the home front.
Eli Sidler and his parents Sue and Bret Hershey Med friends. Danny and Kael, and their families...more cancer kids. There are so many. Send them love and good vibes.
I know I should be thinking globally, Japan, Libya, etc...but sometimes it's hard for me to think beyond the cancer kid world. My heart and head will always be there. It was the most defining role of my life and I am so proud I was chosen to be with Jed through his journey. Being Jed's mom is heartbreaking and so perfect at the same time. I am very grateful for that gift.

Jeddie, I miss you...not a shocking statement I know. I have been thinking of making a quilt out of your T-shirts. I went through them late last night...ugh..so so hard. I don't know if I can actually cut them yet! When I go in your room I still have a very hard time understanding that you are not here. It does not seem possible, I try not to think too deeply about it...I can't handle that. Watch over Eli.
Mommy Loves you baby Jed
Love J & K

Happy Birthday Danny


I tried to make Danny a cake like the one Jed and I made him in 2009. I was going to say last year....but that's not right. Ugh. Anyway the cake I made today sucked. It's like sand with rockin' chocolate icing. I need to just stop! I have to come to grips with the fact that only chocolate chip and sugar cookies come out edible from my oven. I need to accept it and move on from all other cooking. This needs to my moment of acceptance, no more cooking or baking!!!
We had dinner at Chili's tonight. It was a fundraiser for Red Lion's Mini-THON, Danny's birthday and of course Jed's favorite place to eat....I have only been there one other time since Jed went home and that was DJ's birthday last year. I have very mixed feelings about being there. There were so many times, too many to count that Jed and I ate there. Sometimes the five of us (DJ included), sometimes the four of us, a lot of times just three, Jed, Danny and me or Jed Savannah and me or Jed DJ and me, and then there were those times that it was just Jed and me. Every time was wonderful, I love and miss them all. Notice that the only constants in that list are Jed and I. :) always together.


Jed's last visit to Chili's November 2009

So, I have my mid-term grades. A's in four classes and a B in one. The B is in family law the class I thought I would like the best. I do like it but there are a few things that make it harder than I thought it would be. First, it is my last class of the week so by the time Wednesday evening comes I am tired second, there are other things happening in that class that make it hard to focus. Last night I had a few moments where I thought, how does this guy know this stuff about me? I had to do the thing were I remind myself the world does not revolve around me, there are other people in it. The professor started out talking about a guy that called his office saying, " I want to sign off all parenting rights to my kids so I don't have to pay child support." He had to explain to this guy that without an adoption pending you are not allowed to just "sign off on your kids" to avoid support. Hmm, sounds a bit familiar. I remember getting a phone call a lot like that. Then the professor told us about a check list he has clients fill out when there is a custody issue. It is stuff like, who does the bathing, the feeding, the tucking in. He told us that he always tucked his son in. He said, " Every night until my son was 13 I put him to bed and read to him. I fell asleep with him every night. My wife would come in around midnight and tell me to come to bed." Hmm, I only got 12 yrs but wow that sounded familiar. He also told a story about a mother he represented with a sick child. When the child went to stay at his father's sometimes his meds were not given. really? huh. By this time I thought maybe someone was filming me or something! Oh and then was the story that had nothing to do with me but was pretty close to something that recently happened with someone I know. A mother wanted to relocate and the father said no, she went anyway leaving her son behind. It was an exhausting night. I spent the majority of the class trying not to cry....so I didn't really take any notes. It has made me think that family law and child advocacy might not be something I will be able to handle well.
I need the sky to open up and say "Kristin, this (whatever it is) is what you are supposed to be doing, this is the path you need to be on." It would be very helpful because right now, I have no idea what I am doing and NO CLUE what I will want to do. I honestly don't want to do anything...but I know that is not an option....damn.

How cute is he??


I found this today, a small glimmer of hope.....

The Creating Hope Act of 2011 was introduced in the US Senate on March 17 by Sen. Robert P. Casey Jr (D-PA). Spearheaded by like-minded organization Kids v Cancer, the Creating Hope Act intends to focus some of the brightest scientific minds on creating new and improved drugs for pediatric cancer and other rare childhood diseases. The act does not require appropriation and influences research and development through an incentive system for pharmaceutical companies.

In short, when a pharmaceutical company develops an FDA-approved drug for a rare pediatric disease, including childhood cancer, that company will receive an incentive. The incentive is a voucher for FDA fast-track approval of a second, unrelated drug. This pass to the front of the line is extremely valuable to the companies, and is modeled after a successful research and development system enacted to help a similar group of “orphaned” patients: those suffering from rare tropical diseases.

Only ONE new drug to fight childhood cancer has been developed in the last 20 years! Our kids deserve better than smaller doses of drugs meant to treat adult cancer patients. Please help us support this legislation by contacting your senator and representatives and asking them to vote YES on the Creating Hope Act.

from The Pablove Foundation

It is nice to know someone is trying, that someone cares.

Staying on that note we have started some planning for the luncheon and also we are throwing around the idea of a roller skating party/fundraiser in June. It would be just a couple of hours on a Saturday, for kids, families, friends, and that special group...children of the 80's. Savannah said, "I don't know what it is with 40 yr olds but they are obsessed with roller skating." Well, some of us spent A LOT of time at the Roller Rink!! So if you have any ideas or thoughts about this PLEASE feel free to pass it along! We hope to have our 501(c)3 status fully established soon and have our logo ready. It is getting a little exciting.

Even more exciting....the weather today and tomorrow. Savannah and I walked to the cemetery today for the first time in a long time. We sat on the porch and chatted with our FAB neighbors and Danny rode his bike to work. The sun gives me the most amazing feeling of peace and calm, as close to it as I can get anyway! LOVE IT and tomorrow is to be even warmer! (Do NOT talk to me about Saturday)

So, happy birthday Danny, sorry for the crappy cake but the icing is bangin' just scrape it off :) Happy birthday to Danny's granddaughter Bianca and our sweet island boy is the big 1 today! Elan, I cannot wait to snuggle you again soon.

Oh and Happy welcome to the world Collin Morgan! I know your Aunt Renee and Uncle Marc will watch over you and keep you safe.

I will soon write about the amazing Jett Towsen Sheely but I want to wait until I have pictures. I have been too sick to be around him but I am hoping next week will be our first meeting! Then I will give you all the details of his coolness :)

Oh Jeddie Spaghetti.....the missing is so big sometimes it is scary. My memories and my absolute belief that you are happy, & doing well at "home" keep me from falling into that dark hole of missing. Every second of every day and every night my heart is with you. thanks for the sunshine, keep an eye on all our sick friends. Mommy Loves You

Love J & K

Savannah I cropped you out of that 1st picture....see how kind I am?

Lovely day...until I got to school. I took a tulip over to the cemetery. It wasn't warm out but it was sunny. I cleaned up some leaves, the rose bushes are starting to turn green.
Then I went to school. I went early to meet the Research/writing tutor. Did I get some cute college boy? OF COURSE NOT, I got this old guy...which would have been fine except that he picked his nose while talking to me....OMG. I must have used hand sanitizer or as Jed calls it "propell" a hundred times. He would look right at me and stick his finger in his nose......love my life. Yes Jed, I hear you laughing..




oh and the tutor guy, he sat there reading the "key" of the book while I found what I needed on my own. I swear I wanted to cry...or scream ! My life rocks..


pretty pic

I know Jed would say, "mom, tell them about your tutor that picks his nose." I did Jed, I told everyone just for you :)
makes me nauseous just thinking about it...ugh

That was my day...yay me.

Jeddie I could hear you the entire time....stop giggling, it was not funny. Mommy Loves You...
Love J & K

Not really much to say today. Mom and I had lunch with A, Aunt Paula and Uncle Rick. It was nice to see them. Other than that I think today was the first time I have been out of the house since Tuesday....I thought today was Thursday....nice. Danny had to work Friday and Saturday I think that's why I was a bit screwed up....yeah, that's the reason.
I had my first Rita's ice of the season today....yummy but not the same without Jeddie of course.

Danny and Jed 2000

That's all.
Jeddie babe....Mommy Loves you
Love J & k

Jed getting birthday wishes from Gamma Phi and Acacia Sept. 2009

I tried to clean off the dining room table today. Hear that? I TRIED...didn't work. Anyone that has been here knows it is the catch-all. Everything gets put on that table. Sometimes the mountain is so high I kind of worry about it. So today I tried. The first things I picked up were things that belonged in Jed's room. I ran them upstairs and as I walked in I was hit full force with truth of what we are living and what we are living without and the fact that I have to keep doing this. When that truth leaks through the bubble of denial I try to live in it is hell. Today that truth didn't leak in, it smacked me right in the stomach. I hate these moments. I hate when the sharp, horrible truth gets me. I feel like I have been shredded from the inside out. Everything seems pointless. It's the moments when the details get through. Every little second of those last days. All the "I wish I had" thoughts they just go over and over. Then the worst part hits, the depth of what I am living without, not just me, all of us. All those little quirks and everyday kind of things. The way he tried to pretend he was asleep when I would wake him up...he just could not help it...he had to smile. Fixing the covers and the pillows when he would climb in to take over Dan's side of the bed when he left for work. Taking the sheets off his bed and pretending that all the socks stuck in the bottom of the sheets were horrible....he would giggle and giggle.


Jed and D at Hard Rock in Baltimore August 2009
I keep hearing the Wii guy saying "measuring, measuring" when you would stand on the board. Jed loved that, he especially loves when you step up and the thing actually makes a groaning noise! That would just send him over the edge in giggles. I miss making steak and sliced potatoes in the broiler and then running it upstairs so King Jed could eat in his bed. He would always take the last cold piece of steak over to Danny to eat. Dan would ask him, how come I never get the steak when it's hot?...again, giggles.
Savannah is home, I feel a bit better. I cannot sit here and be a ball of misery if she is here.
I still hear the giggles.
Jeddie, send love and strength to Eli and his parents. I am missing you. Mommy loves you baby Jed.
Love J & K

THON 2008 partying in the hotel room.....


Today we received a beautiful book from the Gamma Phi and Acacia 2008 Seniors. It is a picture book from THON 2008. It is wonderful. Thank You all SOOOO much. Of course it took 3 times of going through it until I could actually see it I was crying so hard. We love it...again...thank you.

The Rock Star with his 2008 dancers ..


I finished the first rag rug for the luncheon today. I am better at it this year, it looks pretty good. We are starting to accept donations for silent auction items. We also have a tax number now so donations may be written off. August 27th, write it down, put it on your calendar...be there!!!! With your help this year can be even better than last. We hope to see all of you.

The person designing our logo and website is working furiously, Kirsten we can't wait to see it :) We are getting there. If anyone is or knows of a CPA that has an understanding of non-profits we would be grateful to have someone willing to answer our questions as we go along.

Ok, so a little story about me...cause as you know...it's all about me.... :) Dishy
Anyway so I was very sick for about 2 weeks and this past week I have been so tired and nauseous. Someone mentioned...yick...menopause...WHAT? I think not.. I told them that I will jump off an overpass if that is why I feel horrible. That is when you start wearing elastic pants and shirts with kittens on them
(your kitten shirt doesn't count Tucker)...anyway that comment scared me into taking a good look at what I have been doing. About 3 weeks ago I was thinking about the burning feeling in my stomach and remembered Jed saying his stomach burned. He was put on zantac and it was fixed. I thought maybe the burning I have is something that zantac would help. Soooo, yes I started taking Jed's zantac...I have a ton. Well the burning went away withing 3 days! BUT after the scare with that word I started researching and realized that the dose of Jed's zantac was pretty high and it was making me nauseous and tired. YAY a reason! I really thought I was going crazy. So instead of throwing myself off an overpass I just bought over the counter zantac in a smaller dose and I felt much better!!!! Miracle! Yes I know that would be why you do not take your cancer kids meds, his zantac was making me pukey and his zofran was fixing it! again I know, stay away from Jed's meds. So that is the story of me today. I need to get a life. Seriously, between that, making a rug and talking to Kait about how she had to split a Happy Meal with her 2yr old sister on a family outing I have had an exciting day.
Yup, again.....yes mom... we are "Livin' the Dream"

Ok, that's all. I am still here, no overpass jumping today.

Jed and his LV.....


My son....Our Jed....


Missing you Jeddie. I was having a tough day and when I opened the mail there was the book from the 2008 seniors...it is awesome. They love you as much as I know you love them. The luncheon planning is starting, so you can help other kids.
Mommy Loves you baby Jed
Love J & K

Summer 2002
Steroid cheeks, how cute is he?


Jed, Danny and Emmitt..my guys
2002

That's all. I don't have much to say. I am hoping one day to be upbeat and entertaining...don't hold your breath. I had to write a paper describing things in my life that have changed me and made me change my path or look at life differently ..............he has no idea what he is asking for. I wrote it but it was exhausting! The three of us went to breakfast this morning, Savannah and I went to the grocery store and I wrote that paper....the extent of my exciting life. Like my mother said "Livin' the Dream" gag

Jed the king of fashion, even when napping. :)

I am missing you baby love. I think of your big beautiful smile and it makes me smile. Like James Taylor says,"whenever I see your smiling face, I have to smile myself, because I love you"
Peace out Jed man
Mommy loves you......forever
Love J & K

Guess it's break now for school. No class next week but I have enough make-up work to keep me busy...yay. Becky, my return to class after my drama was fairly anti-climatic, thank god, the little girl behind me cried when she asked why I got upset....oh my.
I had 2 midterms today...hoping for a B...hoping.... oh well whatever...I think I am going to get a tutor for my research class. Nothing is clicking.
Anyway, I am missing my sweet funny friend, my constant companion, my sunshine. Just the usual.

I miss the trips to the movies, the road trips, last minute dinners at Chili's and the giggle of 2 boys playing video games for hours in Jed's room.
My sweet potato, it's really lonely without you and it's a place only you can fill. I hope you are riding your bike and scooter-ing all over. Missing you desperately.
Mommy Loves You..forever
Love J & K