Jed getting birthday wishes from Gamma Phi and Acacia Sept. 2009

I tried to clean off the dining room table today. Hear that? I TRIED...didn't work. Anyone that has been here knows it is the catch-all. Everything gets put on that table. Sometimes the mountain is so high I kind of worry about it. So today I tried. The first things I picked up were things that belonged in Jed's room. I ran them upstairs and as I walked in I was hit full force with truth of what we are living and what we are living without and the fact that I have to keep doing this. When that truth leaks through the bubble of denial I try to live in it is hell. Today that truth didn't leak in, it smacked me right in the stomach. I hate these moments. I hate when the sharp, horrible truth gets me. I feel like I have been shredded from the inside out. Everything seems pointless. It's the moments when the details get through. Every little second of those last days. All the "I wish I had" thoughts they just go over and over. Then the worst part hits, the depth of what I am living without, not just me, all of us. All those little quirks and everyday kind of things. The way he tried to pretend he was asleep when I would wake him up...he just could not help it...he had to smile. Fixing the covers and the pillows when he would climb in to take over Dan's side of the bed when he left for work. Taking the sheets off his bed and pretending that all the socks stuck in the bottom of the sheets were horrible....he would giggle and giggle.


Jed and D at Hard Rock in Baltimore August 2009
I keep hearing the Wii guy saying "measuring, measuring" when you would stand on the board. Jed loved that, he especially loves when you step up and the thing actually makes a groaning noise! That would just send him over the edge in giggles. I miss making steak and sliced potatoes in the broiler and then running it upstairs so King Jed could eat in his bed. He would always take the last cold piece of steak over to Danny to eat. Dan would ask him, how come I never get the steak when it's hot?...again, giggles.
Savannah is home, I feel a bit better. I cannot sit here and be a ball of misery if she is here.
I still hear the giggles.
Jeddie, send love and strength to Eli and his parents. I am missing you. Mommy loves you baby Jed.
Love J & K