Christmas 2008...a wisk...whoohoo


and a pastry cutter!!!

Have you ever seen a 10 yr old so happy to get baking tools?

I was sitting here thinking about how miserable I am and I have nothing to write. Everyday I wake up and it's harder. I am panicking thinking that the 1 yr mark is coming up. It just makes my heartbeat so fast and I feel sick. I try not to think about it but it's all around. Anyway, as I am sitting here, miserable, sad and wondering how long I have to live like this, I hear someone on TV singing one of Jed's favorite songs....We are the Champions..he used to walk around and sing that, making his singing face...he is so cool. I got the message Jed. I know you won, I definitely know you are the Champion....I am miserable for me. Those last few weeks are again, playing over and over in my head...every single moment..ALL of them.
I read all this stuff about how you have to choose to be happy and choose to live your life happy......honestly.... I just can't. I really just cannot. I know that is what Jed wants, telling me that does not help, it just makes me feel guilty on top of everything else I feel. UGH...I am soooo tired of being without Jed. I am different now and I don't like the cronicly sad, depressed and slightly confused, (more than normal), person I am now.

So on another note...Savannah and I took Livi-Mac to the mall today. I swear it is like Savannah turned 2 again (but with better verbal skills). Livi-Mac talks like an adult. If you can believe it, Savannah did not really talk until she was almost 4.... I know that is difficult to comprehend! She had a made up sign language and words of her own. Back to Livi-Mac...she is SOOOO much like Savannah, constantly testing just to see how far she can go. I had forgotten how much work Savannah was. It was continuous. We had a good time together but everything she did was a test to see how far she could push me. I remember having a staring contest with her when she was almost 3. I told her, "you will never win, I am more stubborn, you cannot beat me." People sometimes told me I was too hard on her but I knew, that if I gave her an inch, she would take over the house! I'd like to think all that hard work has contributed a bit to the incredibly capable person she is now. Being with Livi-Mac today and Savannah at the same time was kind of weird. It's also difficult to decide how to handle her because she is not mine. She is not used to me and I am not used to her so it was a battle of wits with a wariness on both sides! My favorite Livi-Mac line of the day....me, "what did you ask Santa for?" Livi, "I asked Santa for a dinosaur egg". Me, "oh, ok and what else"? Liv, "a rocket ship". A dinosaur egg and a rocket ship. Hmmm. I later found out that the egg must be blue so the baby dinosaur will be blue. Awesome. Those were definite Savannah like things. The one way she is different than Savannah is that she will be quiet and look out the window....Savannah never, ever stopped making noise..ever... even fake words!!! Livi is also much more physical...she is rough. All in all we had a good time. We made a hand print concrete thing from Livi to Mommo and Hop, we watched some sponge bob and chilled out after our lunch at Issac's (where she bit my finger while I was holding her pickle) and a mall trip. She must have had an ok time with us because she tried to block the door when we left her with Mommo. She did not see the humor in us slipping out the front door! Not much "slipping" though as she was hanging on my leg! It would have been so much better with Jeddie along. But I'm sure he was there laughing at the battle of the wits!
Oh Jed, Livi-Mac was NOT a happy camper when she found out that when I said 1 ride on the round and round thing I actually meant 1 ride. Whooo, that didn't go over well. I really had to laugh at that. When Savannah was that age if you said 1 ride you HAD to stick with it because if you gave in once you were finished. She had you. So she knew it was 1 ride and that's it. With you my Jeddie, you were so easy going ....and also the 2nd child... that we rode all the rides and sat in all the seats on all the rides! Not that you didn't have your moments of aggravation but it was short lived and then you were back to your sunny self. Oh Jed. I am missing you..and there are no words to explain how much. Nothing can compare.
We are going to the hospital tomorrow. Clinic and the 7th floor. You have given us many great friends up there. Mommy Loves You Jeddie Spaghetti.
Love J & K
Oh and Jed I saw Roger from work the other day...remember the thank you card you made him....I think it had a dead bear on it because he hunts....you did do that right??