One year ago....there is so much I could say...but you have heard it all.....and none of it is uplifting or pleasant...so I won't torture you all with my completely depressing view of the world. I just sat here reading the posts from last year at this time. I have no words except to say I am glad I had no real clue how horrible this would be. What happened? Where did we go wrong? What could we have done differently? Oh my god...oh god...how can this be real? I feel so overly dramatic and drama is not my thing. Honestly though, I know I moan and do the whole pity party thing but if I could actually write the words to describe how I feel...if you could really feel how completely devastated I am you would see that as dramatic as I sound sometimes those words are not even close to the depth of my feelings. I try to pretend but my fake smiley shell is pretty thin these days. I want to squeeze his little face, see his funny smile when he is pretending to be asleep but just can't control the smile, I want to hear him giggle and sing and talk to the tv. All the things that happen in your houses that you take for granted (I did too) take a closer look, pay more attention, enjoy all the little things.
The ONLY bright spot in ANY of this is that you are not sick anymore Jeddie. The fact that you are healthy and happy and not scared or suffering anymore is the most important thing. I am glad I am the one here suffering and not you. As horrible as this all is, I would not change it. You deserve so much better than what you had here and now I think you have it all. I feel you, when I get to the point that I think there is no way I can handle this pain anymore I feel you. You calm me. I know you are here, helping us keep it all together....just as you always have. Mommy Loves You Jed, more than any words could explain.