We made Jed a tree...


And took it over. It has cool blue solar lights and of course Penn State decorations.

I went to the viewing for my friend's son. Savannah went with me. Yes I abuse her, makes her tough...poor thing. We were only there for a few moments. I just wanted her to know he meant something to others. I know how happy I was to see people at Jed's service.
Then we went to the Cope's. We took sloppy joe's for them and we hung around for awhile. Their whole family is so kind and of course they love Savannah but they always make me feel welcome. They have even invited us to their annual Christmas Eve family thing. Tammy's dad wants Danny to come and bring his guitar. I think Savannah is going but I don't know if we will. I am not sure what my family is doing yet. Usually we do Christmas Day Brunch and then hang out all day but I am not sure if that is happening this year or not. I think my brother is leaving after brunch for his in-laws....I think, who knows. Maybe they will go there Christmas eve and we will have our regular Christmas Day. Anyway, whatever, they will all let me know where and when and if Christmas eve is open and Danny wants to go then maybe we will.
So yes, we went to the cemetery and set up Jed's tree, then to the viewing of another person's child and then to hang out with Jay and Tam and the boys as they are missing their kid. Ridiculous. it pisses me off. I can't think too deeply about it or I will just crawl into bed and stay there. The fact that I set a tree up in a cemetery for Jed is sickening and beyond what I can really comprehend. I have to just pretend that it's normal. Sometimes I just want to quit, sometimes it is all just way way too hard.
Learning to adapt to a life you do not want and did not ask for is a bit overwhelming sometimes. I keep reminding myself that many others have it so so much worse....it doesn't always make a difference but I keep trying.

Jeddie, I want to hold your hand, I want you to rub my forehead when you know I have a headache, I want to wake up and find you in my bed or find myself still in yours with you. I want to make you steak and potatoes at midnight and then sit with you and watch adult swim while you eat. I miss you. Mommy Loves you baby Jed....
Love J & K