I saw my grandmother today. I feel bad that I don't go see her more. She is funny as hell. When I talk to her I just keep thinking about the fact that she is going to die. I know, not very nice and she could live another 10 yrs for all I know but I don't think so. This is how twisted I am, I want to ask her if she is excited, if she thinks of how many people she will get to see. She has a son she has not seen in over 60 years. I know I have brought this up in a previous rant but of course it is on my mind a bit. I think if I was her I would feel like I was a kid waiting for Christmas morning. I also think constantly about the fact that she is going to be the first of us to see Jed. I want to tell her to hug him for me and to make sure he is ok and then to come TELL ME. But whereas I think when I am in Gram's position I will be obnoxiously talking about dieing, she does not. So I can't really bring it up, like hey Gram, I think your going to be the first of us to die since Jed so can you do me a favor....no I can't do that. Yes, I sound cold and heartless but think, if you had been separated from your child for almost a year with no way to get to them and you are talking to the person you think will be the next to see him...what would be going through your mind? No, I don't want my grandmother to die, we will all miss her very much but I am excited for her. It's not a bad thing for her. I don't know, I'm sure many will read this and not understand but the only way to really get it is to live what I am living....I don't wish that on anyone. I am happy for Jed but oh so unhappy for us.


I find myself sometimes sitting all crunched over, yes I slouch but this is more than that. I have to make myself sit up and take a deep breath. I think I do this to try to find a way to get away from the pain. You know when you are uncomfortable or scared or hurting you try to move or hide or find a way to ease the hurt? I think that is what I am trying to do and most of the time it is not a conscious thought. Oh, and by the way.....it doesn't work. It just makes my back hurt and makes me breathe weird.
That is my deep observation of the day.
I wanted to make picture books for everyone this year for gifts. I can't. I tried a few times and I just can't. Sorry people.
Tomorrow morning I am to finally give my presentation that I have been trying to give for more than 2 weeks. I have 2 finals after that. On Wednesday I have 2 more and then I am officially finished my first full semester of college...yipee. The anxiety and stress would be a killer if I wasn't already used to living with it.
Ok, that's all. I am randomly writing things to avoid studying.

Christmas 2006


Needing to see you baby Jed. Hope you like your tree. Nana brought you a candy cane and I think mommo and hop are bringing you a snowman. Someone put poinsettias there too so it is looking very Christmas-ey. Thinking of your sweet smile and smart mouth keeps me going. I am watching the Simpsons right now and Family Guy is on next :)
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K