Yes, things look a bit different....but Jed, in all his coolness, was ready for a little change.

Here is video of Ryan receiving his award....The Diamond of Honesty. As you can see, all the way through the speech, he had no clue it was for him!

on this and the video of Savannah I apologize for my crappy filming and noises! I am definitely not a pro!

Savannah said a million times in the past few weeks, "It's so cute how completely clueless Mead is." Of course we tried not to choke when she said this!

It really was such a great night. We saw many people we love and met many new ones. For the second time, a mother said to me, "one of the first times we came to clinic your son came over, talked to and played with my son. I will always remember that." Oh my Jeddie....
Sean Tucker's speech, the one you hear during the video of Savannah, was so beautiful. Just perfect. He is going to give me a copy and I will post it on here for those of you that can't hear the audio (Dad).

We went to the cemetery today, of course the road not plowed was ours. I had to hike in the snow, that was over my boots....I was not a happy camper.

I left Jed a heart balloon...after the hike through the snow...


Danny followed me....walked in my steps so he didn't get too snowy..nice

Savannah is still in Happy Valley. Today was THON Hoops. They won the game...yay! She will be home Monday evening.

Good night baby Jed. I am missing you so so much. There is really not much else to say about it. I am sad, and missing you....all the time.
Mommy Loves you sweet potato
Love J & K

Ryan and Savannah
He won The Diamond of Honesty Award
She won The Four Diamonds Award.

Oh I am so glad this evening is over! This has been the hardest secret to keep. I didn't do a very good job of it but I did keep it from Savannah! She and Ryan were both very surprised. He knew that she was winning and she knew that he was winning but neither knew they were winning themselves! For weeks Savannah has been saying, "I cannot believe how clueless Mead is, he has no clue that he is going to be the happiest person in Happy Valley!" Now who is the clueless one..haha....gotcha Fred :) It was a wonderful evening. Everyone was so great. Sean Tucker...your speech was amazing thank you so much. Ariel, and all the others that nominated Savannah...amazing...thank you ....very much!

Jed and Jaz are both in this picture...see the orb? It is actually two orbs, how cool is that?

Savannah and Danny following You Tube video instructions on how to tie a tie....what a pair.

Savannah with Ariel....

Kait from Gamma Phi Beta and Ryan from Acacia


Danny and me..dressed up...


Savannah and me, blurry but the only one we have... :(


Ryan showing off his key chain. He and Savannah each got a star shaped key chain from Tiffany's with Jeds initials on one side and FTK on the other, from Danny and I


Savannah and her peeps...Brent (crooked), Ariel, Kait, & Mead

It is snowing like hell. I dislike the snow. It is cold and wet and it has to be shoveled. BUT it did keep me from class today....so I'll take that.
It needs to stop. We are going to Happy Valley (Penn State) in the morning. Tomorrow night is The Road to THON dinner. It's a formal kick off dinner. We went once before in 2004. It seems like a whole different lifetime ago. So we will be all dressed up and hanging out. We will be missing Jed.....of course. I really hate to go anywhere without him....but now I have to go everywhere without him....it sucks.

The best place to be when it's cold and snowy.

Our heat was not working today...yeah, I know. I was stressing...figured it would be some huge problem. Dad brought us a heater for the bathroom, compliments of the awesome Steve Farmer....thanks both of you. THen this evening the wonderful Marc Ungar sent us the fabulous Jeff Halderman . It only took about 15 mins and 50 bucks and it's working like a charm. YAY, thanks guys.

It is REALLY snowing, I just let the dog out. He couldn't find the steps off of the deck and kind of slid down to the yard. Funny to watch...yes I am mean and did not go clear the steps for him...sorry,,not really. He has more fur and feet, I figured he'd be more agile then me and warmer too! That's the excitement of my life.
Happy now Kait? see you tomorrow

Missing you baby love. Be with us tomorrow. Nothing is right without you.
Mommy Loves you....forever and ever
Love J & K

I stole this picture from Savannah....Jared took it....I love it.

I don't have much to say. Missing my Jed more than I thought possible. It really gets harder everyday....dear god.
Oh wait I do have something..of course.....
When I came out of my first class and hiked to the back parking lot there was a girl changing a tire on her VW bug. I asked her if I could help, she was almost finished but I held the tire to line up the lug nut holes. She said I was the only person that asked her if she needed help. Another girl came over while I was there to help. So, as at least 50-60 people came out and got in their cars not one person asked her if they could help. Who raises these kids? If I found out a child of mine walked by someone and did not offer to help I would flip. Either one of them. We used to tell Savannah all the time that "pretty is as pretty does, you cannot be pretty outside if you are not pretty inside." I was so worried about raising a kind caring boy when Jed was born. I wanted him to not feel the need to be competitive or macho or mean. I taught him that being kind and caring makes you a better human and a better man. Maybe I just got lucky and both my children had that temperament but that was a BIG deal to me. I wanted kind children, caring human beings. The girl with the flat said a group of guys even stood there and watched for a bit. Who raises these boys? Who raised the girls that walked right by? No I am not perfect and I am sure there have been many times where I could have helped and didn't but good god this girl was in the middle of a huge parking lot filled with people and it was freaking cold! I was sad and disgusted when she said she had not had one offer of help. I think it is more important to raise your children to be kind and caring than to be "first", or the "best".
So between that and the weird guy in my Logic class that has a back pack big enough to hide a child in, takes his shoes off, takes up a whole table and taps on his computer through the entire class, the first half of my day was aggravating. This guy was sitting in the hall on the floor waiting for the class to open...with no shoes or socks on. UGH YUCK. oh, and he sits right in front of me. He tapped on that damn laptop and played with the chair in front of him (with his toes) for the whole class. Who raised THAT kid? He also has the lovely habit of feeling the need to clarify other people's questions to the Prof. He repeats almost every question, just rephrases it, like he is interpreting. AAHHHH
So here is a cute picture to wash that horrible visual away...

Oh my....there is no child cuter...not one.

Jed, I am missing my friend. I miss all the quiet, just me and you time. Snuggled in bed while you watch TV and I read or me sitting in the chair in your room while you fall asleep even the "bench" I hate to say it, I miss my "bench", I miss the bat cave. I do not miss the pain and suffering you had to endure but those times when it was just you and me and you felt pretty good and we were just...together....I miss all the time we were together. I miss you baby Jed. Being here without you is beyond painful and lonely. I try to "move along" like one of you favorite songs say but keeping that up is almost impossible. The thought of living the rest of my life here, without you, is sickening. I will keep trying of course but it is so very hard. But I will be so happy to be with you again.
Mommy Loves You...forever
Love J & K

We went to see Francine Milano this evening. She is a psychic / medium. The first thing that she said to Savannah is, "your brother is dancing in front of you, I don't know why but he is dancing like crazy". Well we know! He is telling her she WILL be picked in the dancer lotto and WILL be dancing! :)

So anyway...it was fun and pretty cool. Now I just have some random pictures.

THON 2008 Crooked and LV


Sending Jed red balloons.....


Crooked...look how cute he is! and yes I know I am old enough to be his mother....shut up


Oh how pretty....


A little air guitar in the hotel...warming up for THON 2008


Some line dance practice in the living room during a canning trip

Speaking of canning, this is a canning weekend so if you see any kids out freezing and begging for money with Penn State signs....give up your change. Help them fill their cans so they can help find a cure for pediatric cancer.
Savannah and Brianna will be canning at Lion's Pride tomorrow morning and Sunday morning. Come on out, eat some breakfast and fill up the cans!


THON 2009 "the men of THON" :)

Oh baby love, how I am missing you. It is so hard to be here without you. I thought it was great that you were dancing around your sister tonight. Very Cool.
I wish I could wish you home...I wish I wish....
Mommy Loves you ...always
Love J & K

I paid my respects to a great woman today. I will not say I said goodbye because you all know I do not believe that. Sometimes someone comes into your life that turns out to be essential. Janiece is one of those people. Essential to Jed and essential to me. She not only comforted Jed, bringing him those boxes of toys while he was getting accessed or while getting his "sleepy" medicine for a LP, but she comforted me. She always made sure Jed had the chair he liked when he was in the "confusion" room, or if he didn't feel well he got the "quiet room". Anything he wanted, Janiece was on it! She also made me stronger so I could continue to be strong for Jed. The only THON we ever missed is the one where Savannah was singing Seasons of Love from Rent...the 1st THON in the BJC. My parents had to take her and it was their 1st THON (we know how overwhelming it is the 1st time). I was worried. Janiece said, "do not worry, I will stand right in front so she will see me. I'll be right there, do not worry" and she was, right in front, Janiece and Denise. Supporting my child for me because I could not be there. Jed, Danny and I watched it on the computer...sobbing. Actually Jed was screaming because the feed kept freezing and then in the middle of Savannah's song they cut away to talk to someone. Jed had a whole big story about that :) So anyway, Janiece...is one of those people that Jed brought into my life that became essential. I will miss her. Thank you to Bob and their kids for sharing her with all of us for so long.
I feel very selfish, but today was a comforting day for me in some ways. Dr. Comito told me how Jed is one of her "special" ones. I love, love, love to hear that. Of course I think he is special but when I hear it from others it is beautiful. I got to see our nurses from clinic, which I always love. I feel so special and privileged that they treat me so kindly. They also talk about Jed and of course I eat that up. Then there is Holly...Jed's Holly. I do not think there is one single person in this world that was more essential to Jed's mental well being through all of his treatment. Holly was his safe place. Holly's presence calmed him, which in turn calmed me. I am so, so grateful for the comfort she provided for him. It is hell when your child needs something that you cannot give them. When someone comes along and can fill that need...it is a great gift.

and..of course... Denise, always there with her calm, caring voice and comforting presence. All those years, all those years of constant worry and fear. When I heard Denise's voice I immediately felt better. I knew when I heard her voice that I was not alone in this fight and she was there and would do all she could to help Jed. I have this vision of Jed getting his sleepy medicine. Denise is pushing it and he is chatting away all of a sudden he says, "you have 2 heads". I nearly choked I laughed so hard.
So today I got to see people I love very much. I got to hear others talking about Jed and I got to remember a wonderful woman. Thank you Janiece...still helping, amazing.
I am heartbroken for Bob, her son and daughter, the grand kids, for Holly and Denise and all the people that were her colleagues and friends. The missing is very hard to live with. I hope your memories can help you through...did I just say that?...omg...I actually said one of those stupid things people say when someone dies...good god I know better. Smack me. This sucks and there are no words that help, time doesn't make it easier either. You just learn to live with the big hole. Some days you do it fairly well and other days...those days just really suck. The memories are like beautiful butterflies....with horrible stingers. You want to touch them, you need to touch them but they are so painful. Hopefully one day the pain will be more of an ache and the memories will make you smile.

For some reason I don't have any pictures of Jed and Denise and only a couple of Janiece...weird.

Wow what a long rambling post this turned out to be...sorry!
Oh wait, I also wanted to share this. I received a message from another cancer mom. She sent me a beautiful memory of Jed...thank you Kim.
"It's been a while since we've seen you, but just the other day, I was thinking of your Jed. You guys were the very first family we ever met in clinic when Alison was diagnosed. Jed sat right down next to Alison that first day and talked to her, told her everything would be ok, and then shared whichever game system he had with her. I will never ever forget that, as long as I live! He was truly an angel!"

How very "JED"!!! Love It
Baby Jed, I am so proud of you. I am missing you desperately. Thank you for my numbers and the constant reminders that you are with me. Mommy Loves you...forever
Love J & K

We took a big step and filed the paperwork to become official. It is a bit frightening but exciting too. As we take further steps we will keep everyone up to date. Thank you all for your support and love. We hope you'll be with us as we move forward in our plans to help other children with cancer and their families. This would not be possible without all of you and your love for Jed.

Don't forget to mark you calendars...
August 27, 2011..... is the date for our
2nd Annual Jedediah Thomas Smith Memorial Luncheon.
We are excited and hope with your help it will be bigger and better than last year. Donations are currently being accepted for silent auction items.

The Jedediah Thomas Smith Foundation
Battling Childhood Cancer
in Memory of Jed Smith

Email us with any question and ideas;

jtsfoundation@gmail.com

All suggestion and ideas will be gratefully accepted or you can just say hi :)

That's all for tonight. Thanks to my incredible neighbor Maggie...the chicken pot pie was Rockin'...who makes their own noodles?...holy crap. It was so yummy!

Jeddie, missing you. It is very quiet here. Give hugs to all the "J's"....now including Janiece.
Mommy Loves You Fluffy
Love J & K

Janiece Crovella accepting her Four Diamonds Award....
that I nominated her for :)
January 2009

Janiece Crovella was our Child Life Specialist for all eight years of Jed's treatment. She has been a constant source of support since we walked into clinic on May 25th 2002.
She passed away on Friday, peacefully with her family and friends by her side. A lovely woman, a terrific friend and a beautiful soul.
I have two main thoughts when I think of her passing. First, is of Bob, her wonderful husband. She was worried about him and his ability to deal with her being sick and along with Bob, their children and grandchildren. I know the missing must be horrendous for them all. Second is the amazing reception she must have received when she arrived in heaven. I wish we all could have witnessed it. I know it had to have been crazy with all those kids welcoming her. Very few people will ever receive a welcome like the one I know she received.
Janiece is another one of the wonderful gifts Jed gave to me and I am forever grateful to have known her. A woman of strength and dedication with a sense of humor and a bit of sarcasm, a deep love for the kids in clinic and an always present source of support for the parents. She is truly loved and will be greatly missed.
The only bright spot in this is a very selfish one....I know Jed was so happy to see her.



Bob and Janiece on the left of Jed with Dave, the boat owner at the helm. Boating Day 2006

Jeddie, take good care of Janiece. I am missing you so so much. Everyday is harder than the day before. Everyday I miss you more than the day before.....but everyday down is a day closer to being with you.
Mommy Loves you...
Love J & K

Many hugs, lots of prayers, and a ton of good vibes to Jed's friend Eli and Eli's parents Sue and Brett as they start this hellish fight again. We love you very much. You have done it before....do it again. Our hearts are with you.



Eli and his Dad entertaining at THON 2009...Jed LOVED it!!


Jed and Eli kicking butt at the 4 Miles for 4 Diamonds Walk...


Jed Man, keep a close eye on Eli. I am missing you so so much.
Mommy Loves You...forever
Love J & K

I was so excited to write tonight because....I have a story and I think it's awesome. ok here ya go,
I have a friend...yes I really do, anyway.... she lives in Australia.
I have spoken of her before and her lovely daughter Anika who went to heaven a bit before Jed. The lovely Marianne is missing her youngest child, I so can relate. We talk often and she has become a great friend. Marianne told me she has been talking to her daughter, telling her she really needs to know she is ok. Asking, "Anika please tell me you are ok, I need to know you are ok."
So, yesterday,as she cleaned off a table of papers, that has been cleaned up before, a notebook dropped out. Marianne has never seen this notebook before but it had Anika's name on it. What makes this so awesome? Well what was written on it is,
"Anika ok"...yes really and here are the pictures.....




That is Anika's handwriting. Marianne said Ani always wrote her name on things but she has NEVER seen her write Anika ok and has never seen this notebook. :) I was so happy and excited for her I wanted to jump up and down. How very cool is that?? Great job Ani :)

ANIKA



Missing you my funny friend, beyond words.....I dusted your room today...I know you know that since I talked to you the whole time. My heart aches but I am so grateful for all the work you put into letting me know you are here. Tell Ani...that was awesome!!!
Mommy Loves you....forever
Love J & K

The new semester started for me today. Kind of stupid, I have Monday/Wednesday classes and we have off next Monday. My night classes don't start until the week after that. Monday/Wednesday I have Logic and English Comp. Lucky me, both professors we very adamant about the fact that their class "will help you grow as a person". Oh yay for me. Really? "We have to dig into ourselves and grow as people". UGH....Now I am looking forward to Family Law, Civil Litigation and Reading/Writing (law research stuff). Pretty cut and dry, no deep soul searching. Much better. Maybe my punctuation issues will improve....I hate punctuation....well except for the ones I put in.

That was the extent of my day. Danny is home, tired and sore as always. Harley sucks. Everyday they are sending different parts to the company that took our wheel area so they can be outsourced.
By the time they are finished the only thing that will actually be being done at the Harley factory is assembly. Assembly of parts from many other places....a large chunk of those parts are from China...yes China. We won't even talk about the quality issues. Ridiculous.
I am so glad I am not there. Scared to not be employed but I just pretend like it doesn't matter....at some point it will have to be faced and dealt with but for now I would really like to at least get a stupid associates degree though.



Missing my Jed. When I was taking classes years ago I would walk in the door he would say, "how was it? what did you do". He always was interested and encouraging. Oh Jeddie love. I miss the sound of your voice. Hey, could you speak to whoever handles the weather where you are and tell them I really, really would like there to be no more snow? Thanks.
Mommy Loves you.....forever
Love J & K

Now I measure our time without Jed in years. I can no longer say, "on this day last year we were at the beach, on this day last year I held his hand, etc." because on this day last year, I buried my son.
No, that's not true, I buried his ashes and made a place were everyone can go to formally honor him but we all know he is here, he is watching and helping and leaving people change. He is sending butterflies and he is making sure when I look at the clock I see double and triple numbers to remind me that he is right here. I wish I was still raising my son, I wish I was taking him to school and making him steak and bugging him to do his homework. But I'm not, and this is how it is. I wish I could say that now that our time apart is measured in years I feel like it might be at least tolerable at some point. I can't. It is worse in so many ways now. I cannot imagine my life ever being purely sunny again. I know I will have beautiful bright spots as Savannah moves through life but there will never be that completely un-cloudy day.
I told myself I was going to write uplifting happy things after this one year mark. Um, I honestly can't. Well I can but it is definitely only squeezed in between the sadness and missing.
I hope as we start to get our foundation set up that there will be more to write about. I know I have been saying that for a year and we still haven't done it...but we will and we are working on it. The legal stuff, papers and such are kinda of expensive and confusing. Don't forget though we are collecting old cell phones, empty ink cartridges, old digital cameras, and laptops. They can be working or not, it doesn't matter. The money we raise from those will help us start The Jedediah Thomas Smith Foundation. We will help kids with cancer & their families and one day give small scholarships to Four Diamonds children or siblings to attend Penn State. That's the goal.

Peace Out Big Jed, mommy loves you
Love J & K
what was the number 1 song when Jed was born?
Change the World by Eric Clapton.....

August 27th 2011

The 2nd Annual Jedediah Thomas Smith Memorial Luncheon....

Mark you calendars so you can come help us remember our
Rock Star and raise some money to help find a cure for childhood cancer.

Happy Birthday Mr. Jim! Jed, Jim and Grace


Danny and I went to Meg and Jer's house tonight to celebrate Mr. Jim's birthday. It was great to be invited and I'm so glad we went. Adam, Tiersa and Livi-Mac came too. Awesome food and awesome company. Not only did I get to see Grace, Jim, Meg, Jer and Jase, Johnny was there too! YAY love you Johnny. Meg you look great can't wait to meet Jett. Thanks so much for having us.


Jed and Mr. Jim


Jed and Jase

Your absence was huge tonight...and every night. All I want to do is go back to raising my son. There is absolutely nothing else I want to do....
Mommy Loves you baby Jed
Love J & K

Mommy Loves You Jeddie Spaghetti
Love J & K

In the true spirit of Big Jed we are helping a family down the block that lost their house in a fire last night. Actually there are 2 families. Eight people all together. we need clothing for a girl size 3T, for a boy size 8-10. Mom is a medium and Dad is a large. The other family, the mom is a medium and her 3 boys are ages 15, 19 and 20. They are fairly average sizes. These families lost everything. Questions can be asked to redlionfire2011@gmail.com. My wonderful friend, Marc Ungar is coordinating this donation drive. Any help you can give is appreciated.

photo courtesy of Savannah Smith

I spent the better part of the day going through all the yarn and knitting stuff I have. I stopped knitting when I came home from the hospital. Every single thing I picked up, every book and every bag had a note of some kind in it from the hospital. Blood counts, a quick note of what meds he was on that day. A brief description of what was happening that day, etc. It was absolutely horrible. My sweet sweet boy...he was so brave and so strong and endured so much. It was a very hard day. I did clean the bathroom though. Yay me. I am trying to slowly start to do things I should be doing. I feel like I just lost Jed yesterday but I have had a couple of people say to me lately, "I guess you are still mourning?" oh and, " I guess you are still experiencing some grief." yeah....I guess. So I kind of feel like some people think I should be functioning better than I am. I mean, I thought I was doing ok...but I guess I should be doing more. I told myself I would try.....very slowly to get the house a bit straightened out....but not put pressure on myself....:) Today was hell, I can tell you that and just knowing everything I pick up or move in this house has a piece of Jed attached to it is torture. I am trying to keep myself from saving every little thing. I do NOT need pages of blood counts or little notes of meds or if Jed was throwing up on 2-21-2007. Notes like that are everywhere. It was my life and now it's not and I need to just deal with it. I would rather live in denial but I guess I am not supposed to. I have to try to get into the mindset that "Jed is with me, all the time" and just keep moving instead of only thinking of the fact that I am no longer raising my son and I cannot touch him or take care of him. It is very, very hard. The only thing I want is the only thing I cannot have. Being without my Jed and knowing I cannot be with him is pure hell. I am trying to be positive and not be stuck in that misery...oh it is hard work.....
anyway, we had dinner at Adam Tiersa and Livi-Mac's last night. Awesome fried chicken with all the fixings. It was so good I ate it for breakfast this morning.


Missing you sweet potato.....how long do I have to do this?
Mommy Loves You
Love J & K

Thank you. Thank you to everyone that has supported us, loved us and kept Jed's memory alive. This year has been...well there are no words but without all of you I don't know how we would have made it.
Last year at this time I snuggled up next to my son for the last time. I held his hand and we slept. While we slept Danny held his other hand and talked to him for hours. I woke at 6:28 am to ask for a blanket. I reached up to rub Jed's belly. I told him, "Jed please go. You have fought long and hard and you deserve to go. I will be ok, we will be ok." I knew I would never be ok but I knew he needed to hear that one more time. My last act as his mother was to let him go. He took 2 breaths and was gone at exactly 6:30am. That's it, no harps and trumpets no opening of the sky with sunbeams shining down. Just a last breath and then emptiness. I hope for him, leaving that ravaged body behind was exhilarating and liberating. I hope it was as beautiful for him as it was devastating for me. For all of us.
I say this often, Jed has giving us many, many gifts. He continues to give us beautiful gifts. The best of those gifts are the people we have in our lives. We have amazing friends because of him & we have a closer relationship with our families because of him. There are so many, many wonderful people in our lives that are only there because of Jed....and we are so grateful. The most important thing to me is for people to not forget him. It brings a smile to my face when someone speaks to me of him and what he has brought into their lives. Nothing, nothing can fix the hole in our lives, nothing can compensate for what I am missing BUT when people tell me they are thinking of him and the difference knowing him has made in their lives...it does help. There are times when the pain and the missing are so big that I start to panic because there is no way to escape it. You can't huddle small enough or hide under the covers or take something. Nothing works. At those moments, just when I think it will be impossible to keep going, I think of the difference he has made and the people he has touched. It helps. As this first year comes to a close and the shock starts to wear off, the reality of it all is sinking in a bit. The shear depth of what we have lost is incomprehensible but it is nothing compared to what we have gained by having Jed with us for 12 incredible years. He will always be the best part of me.
So, back to where I started, thank you. Thank you for everything. Keep Jed in your heart and if you get a random quarter....it's from him....I promise.

Hey Rock Star.....I know your here...but not being able to touch you or take care of you is almost intolerable. I think of what you endured and how hard you fought and I have to say...oh great, thanks for setting the bar so freaking high! I am trying Jeddie...I really am. Thank you Lovey, for all you are, all you have given and all you continue to give. Did you like your red balloons?
Mommy loves you........forever
Love J & K

"What am I supposed to do, when the best part of me was always you...."

Mommy Loves you my funny friend.
Love J & K