I paid my respects to a great woman today. I will not say I said goodbye because you all know I do not believe that. Sometimes someone comes into your life that turns out to be essential. Janiece is one of those people. Essential to Jed and essential to me. She not only comforted Jed, bringing him those boxes of toys while he was getting accessed or while getting his "sleepy" medicine for a LP, but she comforted me. She always made sure Jed had the chair he liked when he was in the "confusion" room, or if he didn't feel well he got the "quiet room". Anything he wanted, Janiece was on it! She also made me stronger so I could continue to be strong for Jed. The only THON we ever missed is the one where Savannah was singing Seasons of Love from Rent...the 1st THON in the BJC. My parents had to take her and it was their 1st THON (we know how overwhelming it is the 1st time). I was worried. Janiece said, "do not worry, I will stand right in front so she will see me. I'll be right there, do not worry" and she was, right in front, Janiece and Denise. Supporting my child for me because I could not be there. Jed, Danny and I watched it on the computer...sobbing. Actually Jed was screaming because the feed kept freezing and then in the middle of Savannah's song they cut away to talk to someone. Jed had a whole big story about that :) So anyway, Janiece...is one of those people that Jed brought into my life that became essential. I will miss her. Thank you to Bob and their kids for sharing her with all of us for so long.
I feel very selfish, but today was a comforting day for me in some ways. Dr. Comito told me how Jed is one of her "special" ones. I love, love, love to hear that. Of course I think he is special but when I hear it from others it is beautiful. I got to see our nurses from clinic, which I always love. I feel so special and privileged that they treat me so kindly. They also talk about Jed and of course I eat that up. Then there is Holly...Jed's Holly. I do not think there is one single person in this world that was more essential to Jed's mental well being through all of his treatment. Holly was his safe place. Holly's presence calmed him, which in turn calmed me. I am so, so grateful for the comfort she provided for him. It is hell when your child needs something that you cannot give them. When someone comes along and can fill that need...it is a great gift.

and..of course... Denise, always there with her calm, caring voice and comforting presence. All those years, all those years of constant worry and fear. When I heard Denise's voice I immediately felt better. I knew when I heard her voice that I was not alone in this fight and she was there and would do all she could to help Jed. I have this vision of Jed getting his sleepy medicine. Denise is pushing it and he is chatting away all of a sudden he says, "you have 2 heads". I nearly choked I laughed so hard.
So today I got to see people I love very much. I got to hear others talking about Jed and I got to remember a wonderful woman. Thank you Janiece...still helping, amazing.
I am heartbroken for Bob, her son and daughter, the grand kids, for Holly and Denise and all the people that were her colleagues and friends. The missing is very hard to live with. I hope your memories can help you through...did I just say that?...omg...I actually said one of those stupid things people say when someone dies...good god I know better. Smack me. This sucks and there are no words that help, time doesn't make it easier either. You just learn to live with the big hole. Some days you do it fairly well and other days...those days just really suck. The memories are like beautiful butterflies....with horrible stingers. You want to touch them, you need to touch them but they are so painful. Hopefully one day the pain will be more of an ache and the memories will make you smile.

For some reason I don't have any pictures of Jed and Denise and only a couple of Janiece...weird.

Wow what a long rambling post this turned out to be...sorry!
Oh wait, I also wanted to share this. I received a message from another cancer mom. She sent me a beautiful memory of Jed...thank you Kim.
"It's been a while since we've seen you, but just the other day, I was thinking of your Jed. You guys were the very first family we ever met in clinic when Alison was diagnosed. Jed sat right down next to Alison that first day and talked to her, told her everything would be ok, and then shared whichever game system he had with her. I will never ever forget that, as long as I live! He was truly an angel!"

How very "JED"!!! Love It
Baby Jed, I am so proud of you. I am missing you desperately. Thank you for my numbers and the constant reminders that you are with me. Mommy Loves you...forever
Love J & K