Now I measure our time without Jed in years. I can no longer say, "on this day last year we were at the beach, on this day last year I held his hand, etc." because on this day last year, I buried my son.
No, that's not true, I buried his ashes and made a place were everyone can go to formally honor him but we all know he is here, he is watching and helping and leaving people change. He is sending butterflies and he is making sure when I look at the clock I see double and triple numbers to remind me that he is right here. I wish I was still raising my son, I wish I was taking him to school and making him steak and bugging him to do his homework. But I'm not, and this is how it is. I wish I could say that now that our time apart is measured in years I feel like it might be at least tolerable at some point. I can't. It is worse in so many ways now. I cannot imagine my life ever being purely sunny again. I know I will have beautiful bright spots as Savannah moves through life but there will never be that completely un-cloudy day.
I told myself I was going to write uplifting happy things after this one year mark. Um, I honestly can't. Well I can but it is definitely only squeezed in between the sadness and missing.
I hope as we start to get our foundation set up that there will be more to write about. I know I have been saying that for a year and we still haven't done it...but we will and we are working on it. The legal stuff, papers and such are kinda of expensive and confusing. Don't forget though we are collecting old cell phones, empty ink cartridges, old digital cameras, and laptops. They can be working or not, it doesn't matter. The money we raise from those will help us start The Jedediah Thomas Smith Foundation. We will help kids with cancer & their families and one day give small scholarships to Four Diamonds children or siblings to attend Penn State. That's the goal.

Peace Out Big Jed, mommy loves you
Love J & K
what was the number 1 song when Jed was born?
Change the World by Eric Clapton.....