Flash backs...weird how they just show up. I was thinking of the rides to clinic, almost every Tuesday for 8yrs. There were times when we would be singing to the radio and I would stop, look at Jed and listen to him sing. I knew it was a moment that could not be duplicated and was very important for me to memorize. I wonder if he ever noticed me crying?
Savannah was drinking hot chocolate last night. It brought back the memory of the very first time I had to take Jed to the ER at Hershey. He was barely 5, had a fever and I carried him everywhere. It was just Jed and I. We walked into the Er, I was shaking and scared, I had no idea what was going to happen. I told them that they had to have the best person available to access Jed's port....he was protective of it right from the beginning. They sent in a big guy, he accessed Jed's port in 1 try and then he asked Jed if he wanted anything. Jed said hot chocolate. The nurse left, was gone for quite some time and came back with hot chocolate with whipped cream. He had gone all the way over to where the old coffee bar was (before Starbucks) because he said that was the "good" hot chocolate. Bobby became a hero to Jed. We didn't see him for a long time and sometime in 2008 we were on the elevator and this man said, "I think I remember that boy, I think he likes hot chocolate". Jed said HI BOBBY!!!! Those are the people that stay with you forever, the ones that take the time to make your child feel a bit better. The ones that go out of their way for your child are the people you are forever grateful to.
One year ago....


I went to Hershey Med today with Savannah. The timing was odd. Almost exactly 1 year since Jed and I went into the hospital for our last stay. I have been more irritable ...yes more than normal and yes that is possible...but I think it's because the holiday season is starting, really I will never think of this time of the year as a "holiday" season ever again. So I went with Savannah because she wanted to see Jaz. I went to be support....hahahahaha. As we walked toward the lobby...I realized that damn Penn State tree was in there. Last year Jed thought it was so cool. We laughed because it was a bit crooked.....it is again this year! I made it past the tree...I was not much "support". I sat in the rotunda for a bit while Savannah visited with Jaz. It was VERY hard but at the same time it felt so normal, comfortable. I could almost pretend Jed was down the hall.

At first no one knew I was there or who I was. Savannah ratted me out to nurse Barb... :) I saw Dr. Bell. He was still fairly "new" to us at this time last year. Jed and I both really like him. He is quiet but nice and good at what he does. I also saw Dr. Khan.....I know I have mentioned how we love Dr. Khan. I will be forever grateful to him for sitting in the hall with me the morning Jed got to leave that place. Danny packed up the room and Kimmy and I think Carol got Jed cleaned up and dressed. I could not go back in there. I lived in that room to be with Jed and he was no longer there so I just didn't want to go back in. I sat on the floor in the hall and Dr. Khan sat with me. He talked about his son and his wife and was so caring and lovely. Today he said the most wonderful thing to me, Dr. Khan said Denise had brought him a picture of Jed from the luncheon and he keeps it in his office. I love that. I know Denise has one too and really, nothing makes me happier than to know people will remember him. Visiting the floor today was hard but I am happy to see people that I love and miss. Always, the hardest thing is to get on the elevator and leave.
Soooo, anyway. I got to see Jaz...kinda stoned but funny as hell. I got to talk to her dad, Jay. It's weird how hospital stays, treatment, meds and all those topics are almost comforting. It's was what I did and who I was for so many years. What a great talent to have...not very marketable..... just my luck.
I guess that's all for now. I just got a very bizarre voice mail from my brother, he was talking about Jed....but not to me...hhmm. I think I'll go now. I need to research and find some good books to put on my kindle for our trip. My professor gave me the go ahead to do my environmental project on St. Croix so I guess I will be doing homework down there too. It will be much easier than the TMI project I was planning to do. Adam was going to help but still I would be WAY out of my league. Nuclear power, splitting atoms...that's my brother's stuff....way beyond me!

Jeddie, your forever smile, in the face of immense difficulty, is what forces me to keep going. I miss you beyond belief but I am so happy you are safe and healthy. Mommy Loves you...oh so much.
Love J & K