Hop, Dan, Me, Jed, and Mommo
Nothing happening. Glad yesterday is over. Really not a great day. Today was almost tolerable. The weather is awesome. I don't want to get too happy about it though because I know it's not going to last. Savannah, Dan and I went to lunch and then I went with Mommo and Livi-Mac to see A. That kid is hysterical. For some reason she has been calling me Nee-Nee and Savannah Krishin. We keep correcting her but it doesn't seem to matter. She also called A Ma-B the entire time we were there. Odd little human. It is sometimes over the top eerie how much she looks like Savannah when Savannah was 2. Her stance and some of her mannerisms are exactly like Savannah's. Even the way she watches tv. Weird. Livi-Mac is much rougher though and Livi, if you can believe this, talks WAY more and is completely understandable where as Savannah had her own sign language and a few made up words for quite some time! Very funny to watch.
I walked to the cemetery this evening. A car came in and stopped behind me. There was a lady and 2 girls in the car. The lady introduced herself as Wendy. Her daughter, Abby, went to school with Jed and they were looking for his headstone. It was very nice of them to think enough to come look. I just happened to get there right at the same time. I appreciate, so much, the fact that he was on their mind. As I am writing this I realize that before I noticed them I was walking around kicking mushrooms...eeuuuww... and talking to myself. I was actually talking to the mushrooms...telling them they must go. Well at least the "crazy" rumors will never fade.
I have school work to do ....but....hhmm having that motivation problem again. I will try to make myself type up some notes and things before I start reading. I just finished Ken Follett's new book, Fall of Giants. It was very good. None of his books are action packed but they are so involved that you want to keep reading to see what happens. That was only the second book I have read since January that was not about what happens to you after you die. Now I am back to that. It seems to help....kind of. I know when I absolutely cannot stand it anymore the only thing that works is getting so absorbed in someone else's story that I am not thinking too much about mine. Shopping works too a bit.....kind of a problem when you are unemployed though! Not the smartest choice.
I read until 4:30 this morning, and woke up at 8:30. I should be tired...but I know I will not sleep for awhile.
I feel like I am waiting....I always feel that way now. what am I waiting for? Jed is not coming back, I am not going back to Harley...I really have no idea why I feel this way. Am I waiting to die....yes probably but I know that won't happen for awhile. I told someone the other day that I can play in traffic, lick the top of soda cans (did you get that email warning?), eat uncooked cookie dough, not cook my eggs all the way and anything else you could think of and be fine. I could most likely do about anything and not be harmed. I'm golden now...yay me! I cannot leave Savannah anyway. I hate that to be with one of my children I have to leave the other....NOT fair. I kept telling myself that there are people out there that are much worse off than I am and I need to get over the pity party. Well the "other" part of me answered with a resounding "F-you I don't care". Sooo for right now that argument is not making a difference. Am I finally getting to the anger part of grieving?....I don't think so. There is no one to be angry toward. I do want to say to people that are complaining about inane crap to shut the F$#^ up and get over themselves....but that's not really new for me. There again, I try to give myself the speech I have always given both my kids, "everyone has their own stuff, and their stuff is just as important to them as our stuff is to us". Hhmm, welp, that is not working much either. If they have happy healthy children ...of any age....I still want to tell them to get over themselves and shut the...I think you get it. Um that seems to be where I am right now....
I was thinking today...no comments please....but I was thinking of everyone at the luncheon that I did not get to talk to and that we do not have pictures of....it upsets me. Denise, I really wanted to talk to you and Amy. You made a huge impression on an old school friend of mine!!! She immediately said how awesome you and Amy were. I am jealous that she got to sit and talk to you guys. Mickie...I don't mean your old...you know what I mean. But Denise I hope to see you soon. And the ton of other people that I didn't get to chat with. I need to practice my social butterfly crap....ok, so I need to LEARN the social butterfly crap! Oh my look how I have just blathered on..(that word was in the Ken Follett book, took place during WWI) thought you needed to know that. ...hhhmm and I am out of Peach wine. thank you to AP and Sue for those bottles..they were awesooommmee. AP how's the four wheeler? and how are your nerves!! Peach wine is good for that.
Anyway..
This dude, no one can compare to him...ever....no one. Bigger than life, brighter than sunrise and more sparkly than the stars. MY son, my friend...
Goodnight Jeddie. really, truly, this gets harder everyday. I need you to tell me what I am waiting for...it is a bit annoying...to use one of your favorite words...to feel as if I am waiting, all the time. Missing you beyond coherent thought.
Mommy Loves you
Love J & K
