Can I tell you just how much I miss this guy? So very very cute, sweet, funny, smart, quirky and sometimes mouthy. You cannot imagine how quiet my life is now....how hollow. The space he filled was so immense, the hole that is left is indescribable. How are parents expected to keep going, keep functioning in a normal fashion? I know I get up everyday (most of the time) and I try....sometimes not as hard as I should.... but every single moment of every day is a struggle. Having my children in two opposite places it absolute torture. I cannot be with one without leaving the other...I know for a FACT there is nothing that can be harder. Sometimes....well more than sometimes...my brain just seems to shut down. Always at just about the most inopportune moments. Tonight in my paralegal class...twice I was opening my mouth to answer a question and both times I went completely blank and ended up grasping for anything that sounded slightly coherent. I have to remember to keep my head down and not volunteer to answer anything. Just listen and take notes! I did get a 98 on my Business law exam....yay. Of course can't be too thrilled though because I got to my computer class and realized we were having an exam I had forgotten all about...whoohoo. oh and to make it a bit more interesting that is the only class I do not have a break after. My paralegal class starts 15 minutes later.....in the other building. So I was really hurrying...have no clue how I did. We shall see.
Mom made us dinner tonight...It's becoming a regular Wednesday thing....LOVIN' it!! Gumbo with turkey sausage ..yummy. I thought about my bottle of peach wine often today. :) I had to remind myself that peach wine for breakfast is not like having fruit juice! Danny got me some Mike's lemonade...it's awesome with the gumbo! I will save my wine for another day.
Guess that's it for now. Tomorrow I have some thank you notes to write...and a Dr appt but other than that not much. I have to work on these two projects I guess. All I really want to do is shop...and drink peach wine :)
Good Night Baby Love. I Love you more everyday...and miss you more every second. This is a hell of a test. I know others have it worse but for the first time ever that does not make much of a difference. We used to talk about that often, remember? It always made both of us so grateful for what we had and where we were....even you, living with so much pain and fear. You could see that there were others worse off and it made a difference. Now...I try but it is not working very well. I will keep trying, just for you. Your strength and compassion keeps me going. Melting down and falling apart is not an option. You NEVER did and what you lived with was so much worse. So if you could do all that you did and still think of others first, I can at least try to keep it all together. Not that I always want to..but I will try :) Ya know, it would be nice if you could just send me a very obvious sign as to what I am supposed to be doing with my time here. Obvious....because you know I can be a bit....obtuse....
Mommy Loves you sweet pea.
Love J & K
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