Jed's Crew at his "End of Chemo" Party a year ago.
Hard day yesterday...but what's new. Hard day everyday. Sometimes it is so overwhelming when I think about the fact that this will not change. Jed is not coming back, this is it. When the hard, cold reality of that gets through I have trouble breathing. It is an actual physical reaction. I want to hide from it but there is no where to go. When I get to the point that I want to scream because I cannot make this different Jed seems to take over...very subtly I feel calmer. It took me awhile to realize this happens but it does...every time. I swear he either finds something to distract me, something that forces me to focus outside instead of inside where it is so horrible, or sometimes I think he makes my brain just stop. I go from right on the edge to staring at the wall blankly, numb. Not that you won't find me staring at the wall blankly sometimes anyway. Jed just covers me in a blanket. It's good to know that when I get to that panicky, oh my god, oh my god, point Jed will take the edge off just enough that I don't actually freak out. So far anyway. Nine months...that is sickening. I have not touched my son in nine months. I wish someone could tell me exactly how long I will live. I could deal so much better if I knew that. Ain't gonna happen I guess. Besides if someone tells me I am going to live to be 100 I might hurt them.

ANYWAY, I took two tests today. I want to say I did ok but I think if I do that I will jinx myself. My business law and paralegal classes over lap a bit...that is helpful. Learning some of the same things in two classes makes it stick in there better.



Jed, you know I always try to keep the heat off until Halloween...remember the year I taped the thermostats? We are getting earlier and earlier. Last year I gave up about halfway through October. Well, under the guise of seeing if the furnace is working Savannah and I just turned it on....I know I know it's VERY early...but I'm cold! The cell for the 1st floor doesn't seem to be working but the cell upstairs is. I really only want the one on downstairs on but you know how this heater is...has a mind of it's own. Jed I miss you. Living through a summer without you has been hell. Winter is going to be SO much worse...and who ever thought it could be worse? I have found though that just when I think, this is it, this is how bad it can be, it gets worse. But at least I know you will help just a bit. I haven't gotten a quarter in a while but I do see my double numbers all the time so I know you are with me always. Oh, our TV stopped working and I told Danny to swap ours for yours. I acted like it was all cool but it made me a bit panicky for awhile. I think I'm ok with it now....I know you are fine with it :) Oh Jeddie Jeddie. Mommy Loves you so
Love J & K