Jed and brownies...for Hop.... Happy Birthday!

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

We celebrated Hop's birthday today. We all survived the first "event" without Jed. He was there...but it's not the same. We made it through though...and dinner was good.
I work very hard at keeping it all together but sometimes it is just too hard. This morning I had one of those moments when the reality of my life hit me like a truck. I have to go through the rest of my life without Jed. My son is not here...physically with me. I am no longer raising a son....I am finished with all of that. I was not ready to be finished. It is really just too much to bear. When I get this overwhelming horrible feeling I just don't know if I can just keep doing this....I don't want to, it is way too hard. Harder than anything I ever could have imagined. When this feeling starts to take over and gets to that point where I don't know what to do....all of a sudden I get this weird, calming, warm feeling. When this happens I just get very calm. I know this is Jed, he is protecting me from the agonizing pain as much as he can. I really want to just stay in bed...really. I know this is not what Jed wants for me but I really really would like to just stay in bed. I think of all those that Jed has touched and I know it would be a disservice to him to stay in bed and wait to die...besides the fact that it's not possible to pay the mortgage that way! Oh well. at least I AM getting out of bed every morning at 5am and going to work, it is as much as I can deal with. I have not gotten on the treadmill to walk or run,,,,it just requires more energy than I have right now. I think of things I might want to do....and they sound good for about 30 seconds then I think "I did that with Jed", I did that for Jed", "Jed cheered me on when I did that", "Jed went with me to do that". EVERYTHING I did had something to do with Jed, about Jed, for Jed , with Jed or I hurried to do it so I could get home to Jed. Everything now seems pointless or at least just empty. Because of that it is exhausting to just get up. I always feel like I am walking through mud..it's foggy..so nothing is clear and it is muddy so it is very hard to move through the day. I hope at some point that eases up a bit....if not I will die of exhaustion! I miss my son. When he was about 5 or 6 he used to sing "Cat-Dog" to me every morning before I went to work...he always had to get up with me to say good bye. His voice was squeaky from steroids, he sounded like he inhaled helium. It was SO cute. Lately he would sing the theme songs to Johnny Test, Phinnias and Ferb, sponge bob and of course Family Guy. It's very quiet here now. One more thing I have to get used to. I really feel as if I am missing the other half of me. It sucks.
Up again at 5 tomorrow and back to work. Every morning I wake up and say to myself...."be a nicer person, be a nicer person, be a nicer person"...I have to giggle a bit because...well, if you worked with me you would understand. But I keep trying!
Love J & K
Look at his smile in that picture....pure bliss about the brownies he made.

Jed..... almost 2 years old

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Only a real man can rock the blue barrettes. Could he be cuter??? Even then he had a firm grip on that remote.
The only thing that can make me happy is the one thing I cannot have....
But I know he is near....so I have to take that and make do..
Love J & K

Happy Birthday Hop

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

I think this is 2004..which would make him 5

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Jeddie watching cartoons in Luray, VA ..all full of steroids and giggles! Funny little guy.

Angel Jed



Savannah getting a lift from "big brother" Brent..aka crooked.

Ok, here are some random pieces of info. I will tell them to you and then tell you how they all relate.
So in our house over the past 10 yrs Danny has randomly sang "Old Man River". I didn't know for some time that is was actually a song...I thought he made it up. Anyway over the summer Jed started to randomly sing it....he would just do it out of the blue...we all would crack up and Jed would giggle.
Ever since I have returned to work, every afternoon as the end of the day gets closer I get upset. I used to be so happy to go home. Even when Jed was not feeling well he was happy to see me, he would be waiting for me. Now I know when I go home.....he is not here. I cannot describe how heartbreaking it is. I miss that feeling of being happy to get home and see Jed. It also makes me angry that the place I love the most is so painful to return to. Anyway, so yesterday I was finishing up at work and a guy I work with came over to see if I was ok. He knew I was upset and he sat and talked to me a bit. Everyone has been very nice, a few have been extra nice.
Last night I decided that I was going to stop and get donuts to take to everyone at work..because they have been so nice. This morning I thought for a second that I would wait until next week but I thought, no I want to take them today....so I did.
Ok here is where all this comes together.
When I got to work I put the donuts out. Phil, the guy that talked to me yesterday came over and handed me a CD. He said that his father had given him an album recorded in the 50's and whenever he was sad or upset he listened to it and it made him feel better. He had recorded it onto a CD for me. He said maybe it would help me as it has helped him. He also said that he knew it was a bit before my time and I had probably never heard of it but I should just give it a listen. I looked down and the title of the album and the 1st track was "Old Man River"... I was stunned. I explained the significance of this song in my house. He just laughed. I then told him to make sure he ate some donuts. He came back a few minutes later and said, "by the way today is my birthday, thanks for the donuts"!!!!!
As I write this I realize that many will not see how weird this is but it is ....weird, awesome and just so cool! I think that Phil helped me and Jed made sure I got those donuts TODAY to do good for Phil.
I wish you could hear Jed as I still hear him in my head,,,singing Old Man River... it really was a chuckle. I felt SO good after all that this morning. I don't care what anyone says.... I know that was Jed's doing. I KNOW IT. I just had to laugh. I had told him that subtle does not work with me and I needed him to make sure his signs to me were very obvious! He came through on this one! Don't think for one second that it made it easier to come home..the pain was still the same....but he gave me a good smile today.
Such a funny little man.
Love J & K
oh baby Jed....you are amazing.

Gamma Phi Acacia....Thank you

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Today was a hard day. Actually it was ok until after lunch or so. I guess I was getting tired and also that's when I start to think about going home. It angers me that it is painful to go home. I love our home...but it hurts to return to it everyday. I am missing Jed. The thought of all those years ahead of me...years I have to live without Jed...I just don't know how I am going to do it. It is HARD and it sucks. I am kind of pissed that I am expected to do this. Maybe I don't want to...but I have no choice. Whatever, anyway as I was sitting here earlier feeling sorry for myself DJ's brother, Conner, called. He called me to tell me that as he and his family were playing guitar hero on the Wii, that was Jed's, a quarter fell out! Also DJ found a lone quarter n his binder!!! Amazing. It just made my day. Thanks Jeddie spaghetti. I Love you.
Love J & K

THON 2009

Jed and some of his dancers
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Look at his smile....Jed loves THON.

Can I tell you how much this poster Rocks??!!!!

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

The inside of my locket...crazy baby Jed and Savannah

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Love a guy in a kilt!!

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And he can Dance!!!

Kyle's job for THON weekend!

119,000 raised in memory of Jed by his awesome friends

Ryan, Lizzie and Savannah..with Jed

Jared Stillmen an Acacia dancer last year. He made sure Jed was on stage with him...love that
You all made him very proud
Back to work tomorrow for me. I slept until 11am today. Mom is now officially retired...YAY mom. But that means I have to drive myself to work and take food with me if I want to eat...:( I guess at 40 I should be able to do that....it's been awhile. Danny was to come back the 1st week of march but I don't think his Dr is going to let him. His hernia is not healed as well as they would like and it seems to be infected now...he is on antibiotics.
I feel kind of out of it today. Not sure why, I'm sure I got enough sleep. Being away for 3 days then coming home to no Jed is weird. I think it threw me off a bit. Also the fact that our THON was in memory of Jed and not in honor of him is just now hitting me. I believe Jed cushions me from the initial impact of these events so I can get through them. After a day or so though it all hits me and I have to deal with it. Not having him right by my side all the time is extremely hard to handle. It seems to be getting worse by the day. Looking at all the THON pictures and only seeing Jed as a picture on his banner is just not right. I had to tell a few people that he has passed on as some THON people we only see once a year. There were other families there from clinic, ones we only see occasionally and they did not know either. I feel horrible when I have to tell people. For them...well... and for me but more for them because who wants to hear that? It sucks.
I guess that's all for now. I am tired again...hope I sleep. Work with little sleep is unpleasant.
Again thank you to all our THON family. We love you very much.
Love J & K
Savannah...you were amazing.....we are ALL very proud

I Love you Baby Jed and I miss you more than anyone could ever imagine.

Savannah and her moraler...the best EVER!!!

I know this guy woke up with an urge to dress up as Lala, he does not know why and he is REALLY ticked off but he could not resist the urge. I didn't even try to explain to him that Jed did that for me. LaLa is Jed's favorite Teletubbie and the ONLY Teletubbie that was at THON!!!




7.8 Million...for pediatric cancer patients and their families. The PSU students, once again, come through in a BIG way.
Gamma Phi-Acacia got 5th place!!!!

THON was amazing. Savannah did well. A few little meltdowns here and there but considering the extra stress she was under I think she did great. Watching her run in with the dancers was HUGE. All these years and now she is official! Jed is so very proud and so are we. The weekend was heartbreaking, so very sad and so VERY wonderful. Many great moments. The banner they had made in memory of Jed was beautiful. I hope to see it next year..hint. All the red t-shirts on Sunday with Jed's name on them and our quote took my breath away. Thank you Sue..that quote has become Jed's anthem. We saw so many people from the hospital. Never have I seen that many Hershey med center people at THON..I am SO GLAD you all were there. Eli and his dad did their Men in Black thing on stage. I remember last year Jed and I screamed for them so loud our throats hurt. I know this year I was the only one watching them that was crying! If I can find a video of it I will post it...it is great. We saw many old friends and made new ones. The outpouring of love and support for us was incredible. Thank you not only to our own great group but also to the Family relations overall Annie and our wonderful FR friend Ariel. A big thanks also to the "queen" of THON 2010..Caitlin, you did an awesome job.
The always lovely Aunt Mindy made her annual trek to THON on Saturday. Today Grace made her 1st trip to THON! If I had known I would have tried to get you down on the floor with us. The BJC was filled to capacity. I have NEVER seen it that full.
I am not going to name anyone because I will skip someone and I don't want to hurt any one's feelings but we love ALL of you. I could never explain how much your support and love continues to help us as we try to find a way to live without our Jeddie. The way you have all adopted Savannah and taken her in is such a comfort. Knowing she has such a great support system helps me breath a bit easier. Our dancers are..as always...the best.
Ok enough for now I am rambling. Thank you everyone, all at THON, all watching the live feed, all that donated and all that sent us good thoughts and strength. We love you
Love J, K, S & D
To our awesome Alum...LV, Krob, Dan, Lizzie, Momiss, Riley and of course Brent....what would we do without you? (if I didn't write your name it doesn't mean we don't love you!)
Ryan...we love you

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Jed and the 2 BEST nurse practitioners on the planet..Erin and Deana

Jed and the 2 BEST nurse practitioners on the planet..Erin and Deana
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

THON tomorrow. I know I have to but I don't know if I can. NOTHING is more "Jed" than THON. I am so tired and stressed that I forgot I even had to pack. Savannah said;"did you pack yet"? I said, "pack what. oh yeah forgot I have to pack stuff". So now I am sitting here..thinking about packing..not actually packing..just thinking about it. I am slightly nauseous contemplating this weekend.
We have to go to The Corner Room so Danny can eat a bison burger for Jed. Everything this weekend is for Jed, because of Jed and just all about Jed. I know he will be there with me but his physical absence is completely heartbreaking and extremely hard to handle.
We are very proud of Savannah, her hard work and dedication has gotten her this dancing spot. 700 dancers and only 4 or so are freshmen. I hope everything goes well. The drama of the weekend is overwhelming so any extra will probably kill me.
Poor Danny, not only does he have to handle his own emotions he will have me falling apart all over the place and the worry of how Savannah is doing.
I know Jed is very happy that we are going and I know he is VERY proud of his sister.
Guess I better pack...or think about it some more
Love J & K

Jed and his Babes

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Savannah, Christie, LV and K Rob....hanging with the man.
Danny and I took Jed's Wii over to Dj's this evening. We also took him a few things of Jed's. Things I know Jed wants him to have. It was good to see them all. We so love them.
Tomorrow is my last day working with my mommy. Her last day is Friday and I have off to go to THON. So next week not only do I have to drive myself to work if I want to eat lunch I have to MAKE it...yuck. Back to yogurt and cereal bars. Danny will be back in the beginning of March...he won't make my lunch but I can get him to drive.
I miss my Jeddie. I think of him every minute of everyday and every second of every night. It's not getting any better or easier...just worse and more unbelievable. The thought of all the years ahead...a huge yawning emptiness is right in the middle. I have to live around this hole. It sucks....just really sucks. As long as I keep finding quarters I can keep going.
Love J & K

Krooked and Mr Gamma Phi

Krooked and Mr Gamma Phi
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

THON is fast approaching. I am very anxious, I know this is going to be one of the hardest things we do. Savannah dancing adds more meaning but also more worry. I just have no idea how this will go. I really cannot predict how I will deal. Guess we will find out..:)
Oh, quarter story....I am at the grocery store with mom on our way home from work. I check my phone and see a picture that savannah sent me. I cannpt figure out why she is sending me a picture of the toilet bowl. I call her and she says "did you see the quarter in the toilet? Without going into lovely bathroom details evidently Danny used the bathroom and there was no quarter in the bowl. Savannah went in later and after the flush looked and realized that there was a quarter in there! She said she checked her pocket for the 50 cents she new she had,,,,it was still in her pocket. So the quarter was not from her and she said it was not there when she went into the bathroom. She also said she never heard a clink like you would if you dropped a quarter in the toilet. I had to laugh. Leave it to Jed to put Savannah's quarter in the toilet!!! HAHAHAHA funny! She even left it in the toilet so I would get it out......... sissy!
Oh Jeddie thank you for keeping up the funny stuff......I still am missing you horribly...we all are. Everything I do is so hard because your not here. I love you Jeddie spaghetti
Love J & K

Jed and Lizzie

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Count down to THON!!!

This is a great picture. Love the smile. It makes me feel like Jed is looking right at me. I love to look at him but it hurts so much I can't describe it. Yesterday was 6 weeks..6 weeks since I held his hand, 6 weeks since I laid next to him, 6 weeks since I said goodbye. It feels like I haven't seen him for 100 years but it also feels like it's only been hours. I am grateful for the quarters and for the love I feel from him...but nothing makes the missing him easier. It's so hard and it is just getting harder...I don't know how that is even possible. Keeping myself together and doing the stuff that has to be done ( and I am doing a minimal amount) is all exhausting. I hate it and it's hard...Well, hard is a stupid small word I just can't think of a better one right now!

I'll go now before I really get into this rant.

Love J & K

Jed and DJ

Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

one of the few pictures I have of them where Jed has more hair than D!!!
I will always think of them as "my boys". I LOVED having them in the car with me and taking them places....really just LOVED it. It is another chapter that is over..but I have such great memories. Oh Jeddie, I know you are ok and happy but I am not...it will be a long time until I can find someway to live with this emptiness. I love you today and always. More and more.
Love J & K

Jed and the money!!!

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

I decided on this picture tonight for two reasons. First, this is the last canning weekend for THON 2010. Jed LOVED when we hosted canning trips and he LOVED to count the money before everyone went home! As you can see from the picture he climbed right in the bag! Jed loves to count money....always has. So this picture is to remember all those very fun times. Second, I told you all about the quarters Jed has been leaving me. Well tonight Mom, Savannah, Grace and I went to a "message circle". The medium was pretty cool. She mentioned quite a few things that were right on and as I remember them I will tell you all but all I can think of right now is this, the medium said to me, "Jed is leaving you things, pennies maybe?" I said quarters..she said "yes he wants you to know they are from him and every time you bend down to pick one up he kisses you"!!!!! That was all I wanted...validation on the quarters!!
She also said he never gave up. I told her that we kept telling him "nothing but success" . She said "and Jed says that is what he has, success!!
I love you Jeddie and I still miss you just as much..even more,,,but I am so glad you are happy and ok...keep giving me quarters! Today was a good day.
Love J & K

I forgot to say, this is the last canning weekend before THON. If you see Penn State students anywhere give up your change!!! Thank you from all of us...especially Jed. Jed loves THON and he is so proud that Savannah is dancing this year.

http://www.thon.org/

love J & K

The Smith kids go to Washington

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Quarters..I know for sure Jed is leaving us quarters. This morning after very little sleep I was up at 5am for work and not happy about it. I picked up my bag to make sure all my stuff was in there. My gloves were on top. Right under them lying on top of all the stuff in my bag were my safety glasses. They were upside down and in the inside corners of BOTH lenses were quarters... :) Even if someone had thrown change in my bag (doesn't happen) my gloves were on top of my glasses and the change would not be able to get to my glasses. I just cracked up, it was a typical Jed thing. He knows I want to believe so bad but am having difficulty. He is making sure his signs to me are obvious so I can't second guess them. Funny little boy. He wanted me to laugh...and I did. I even carried them upstairs and woke Dan up to see them!
I was telling the guy I worked with today about the quarters. I told him how much I want to believe but just can't drop that bit of skepticism. He had a very good view point. He said "just believe" I said "but what if it's not true and I was supposed to be doing something else to help Jed"? "R" told me, "well you won't find out until your dead and then it won't matter anymore because whatever happens you can't change". He is very correct. I guess that is something I will have to work on....geeze my list is getting longer!
I guess Jed was sick of reading about how sad I am so he needed to give me a chuckle.
Love J & k
I Love you baby Jed

So I got 2 days off because of the BIG snow. Even now there are many roads drifting shut. Back to work tomorrow I guess. Savannah got her car out but we didn't bother with ours. Danny will work on it tomorrow. Mom will pick me up in the morning. Savannah has to take her car to my parents because she can't get back in the alley much less into her parking spot behind our car.
I spent some time today in Jed's room. I packed 2 big boxes with his winter things. Coats, sweatshirts, long sleeve shirts and a few pairs of flannel lined pants. He loved those because he was always cold. Tomorrow Danny is taking the boxes to be mailed to South Dakota. They had a huge ice storm there in January and many many are still without power, there is a lack of water and heating fuel also. I am hoping a couple of boys will need some warm clothes. There were 4 winter coats! I also put a picture of Jed in each box with a note about Jed. It was very very hard but it was a no brainer. I know this is what Jed would want me to do. He would have packed it himself if he could.
Oh my this really just sucks so bad. I can picture him hanging out in his room . His little smile and sweet face. Watching TV, playing video games, looking for cheat codes. I can hear his giggle and his "oh yeah, that's what I'm talking about" or "wait for it....wait for it....oh yeah" as he watched Family Guy and the Simpsons. When I actually go in there it really hits me that those are things I will never hear or see again. What a nightmare. I wish there was a word to describe the pain...but it is that bad no word fits. We just keep trudging on...there is no real alternative. I thought for sure the pain would kill me....nope, I guess that would be way too easy.
Love J & K
Savannah pointed out that I need to give you all a chance to send your winter coats and clothes also. They are going to:
Cheyenne River Sioux
Tribal Chairman's office
Atten: Ice Storm Emergency supplies
po box 590
2001 main st Tribal Offices
Eagle Butte, SD 57625
They need anything you can send..cash too~ I know we are all a little short on that!

Jed and DJ 2009

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

This was from this summer when I took the boys to the Baltimore aquarium & Hard Rock for lunch and then we did all the ship tours in the harbor. At Hard Rock it's always all about the brownie sundae.

California Dreamin'

Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

July 2001 Mendocino Ca. Wish I could go back to that moment...just for the day.

Jeddie...mommy loves you and misses you SO much

Love J & K

Jed and Hop

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Yes Hop taught Jed how to pick his nose.
It is snowing..a lot...again. The new work policy is you come to work or get a point, end of discussion. So I guess I get a point tomorrow..ooooo. Anyway, stupid stuff not worth the complaining I'd like to do about it. I did hear on the news that roofs collapsing are happening more with all the snow..hhmmm...that's a thought...just for the wheel area!
Missing Jed....more and more and more. The vibe in the house is completely different. We are here but our little family is broken. We are all trying hard to make it bearable and do what we need to do to help each other find a way to deal. It is difficult. We all miss him so very much. Boy that is an understatement.
I keep thinking of all the wonderful gifts Jed has given and continues to give us & the wonderful people we have met because of him. I am so grateful that he picked us to be his family. I could go on and on..but I won't.
I just miss Jed, I wish there were bigger, heavier words to describe how much I miss him.
Ok well...snow baby snow
Love J & K

Jed age 5 1/2....

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Jed pretending to be Danny....funny kid. I have stuff I want to write about but I am tired so maybe tomorrow...
Work was ok...I made it through. Everyday at about 2:30 or so I think about going home to see Jeddie, then I remember..& .then it doesn't really matter if I go home or not. I try very hard to remember that he is happy, safe and healthy now. I tell myself over and over that he is ok and we were extremely lucky to have him here for as long as we did. I also remind myself that he is still here. He is watching and sending love and trying to ease this horrible pain but really, the absence of his physical presence in our lives is unbearable.
Danny is home all day by himself until his hernia operation heals. I know he has a hard time being here in this empty house. It sucks. But he is doing the laundry...more than I do!
I hope one day I can write something uplifting or at least not so depressing..but for now,,,this is all there is.
Love J & K

Jed and The Mac

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

This is the day Livi-Mac was born. She is Jed's baby. I know he is visiting her on a regular basis. Last night she brought a book to her mother and told her "I show Jed". Guess they were reading bedtime stories. A friend of mine just called and told me "when babies look over your shoulder they are seeing angels". I know Jed and the Mac are hanging out.
The missing him is just getting worse for me....everyday is harder than the one before....I didn't think that was possible
I keep waiting for Jed's "whoohoo" from his room when his Payton Manning does something good!. I think I could have talked him in to rooting for the saints..he always likes an underdog.
It's quiet here, Jed's room is so empty.
this is....well...there are no words to describe how this is. It just sucks.
Love J & K

Jed loves the snow!

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

I think he was 5 in this picture. He is the ONLY reason I would go out in the snow. On his list of things he wanted to do when he was off chemo was learning to snow board.......Jeddie I hope you are snow boarding your butt off.
I wish you were here.....every moment of every day and every second of every night....I wish you were here. Your room is so quiet and so is the house.

Mommy and Jed

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

How cute is he???? I so want my kid back. I know Many many people miss him....but not like I do

Just a couple of things...I'll try not to whine. I have to thank Mrs. Kirby, Jed's school nurse and good friend, she brought chicken soup and chicken salad and rolls because she heard I have a cold....how awesome is that?
Danny cooked dinner for us tonight, mom and dad came over to eat...Danny's specialty ...tacos..yummy. He did all the cooking and all the cleaning up!
Someone at work told me today..."hey you look pretty good, you are smiling and laughing...see, it's not so bad" I said "well it's exhausting to be here, it's exhausting to be at home. It's exhausting to pretend I'm not miserable and it's exhausting to be miserable, so if nothing else at least I can get paid". I try not to get to irritate by people because I guess they just don't get it.
Thank you to Alecia......what an awesome thoughtful gift...love it & you.
TO our little friend Jackson. Tomorrow will be 2 years....hard to believe. You are missed and loved more than you can ever know. I know that, like my Jed, you are still here, loving your mom and dad and of course Coop.
Trish and Pete...thinking of you...so very much. Hugs and love.
We got the scale drawing of Jed's headstone today. I guess it will be about May before it gets put in. I am not even going to go into how f'd up it is to say that my son's headstone will be put in in may. It is sickening. Sometimes I wonder how I can sit here so calm when all I really want to do is scream and throw stuff.
So glad it's Friday...it is snowing like hell. maybe the snow will be so heavy on the roof of our building at work that it will collapse......a girl can wish.
Love
J & K

I don't have much to say. I miss Jed more today than yesterday and the day before...etc...
I have had enough...I just want my kid. Coming home to no Jed is torture. Knowing I will have to do it for the rest of my life is unbearable. It's just not fair. It is so..so unfair.
Love J & K

Jed and Danny

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Jed and Danny on one of our MANY rides on Thomas the Tank Engine. Jed LOVED Thomas! He was so excited to see Sir Top'em Hat!

Well yesterday two supervisors said our sick days were good until the end of the week. So you all know my plan to use them Thursday and Friday. Today I get to work...almost happy...as happy as I could be since as of today I have lived 1 month without my son...and I hate my job. Anyway I was almost happy because I knew I only had to get through today and I could be at home until Monday. HAHAHA I should know better. This morning there is a new memo saying that our sick days are no good as of yesterday!!!!!! YAY Harley Davidson way to value your employees. Now I will be getting up at 5am again tomorrow and Friday. Oh well. I guess that's just how it is.
Missing Jed is beyond words. Everything is a reminder of his sweetness, his sarcasm, his love of facts and statistics (especially ones he made up), his care of others, his wonderful humor and his extraordinary bravery. Everything is a reminder that he is not here anymore. He is in my heart and I know he is watching but he is NOT HERE. I go down at night to get all his meds ready. I wait for him to call me into his room when he is ready to go to sleep. I walk by his room and stick my head in to ask if he is ok or what he is doing. I listen, waiting to hear him sing or make a joke or laugh at Family Guy. I wait, I listen, I look and I hope. I miss him and I hurt and I am sad and for some reason life just keeps moving forward. We are supposed to learn to live without him....how? Life is much dimmer. I have never wanted to grow old so quickly in my life.
Love J & K

Jed, Hayley and Ashlyn

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Jed's friends. this was over the summer. We went to visit them at their camp. Jed played in the creek and learned how to make gooey bananas...he loved them!!! I wish good luck and much happiness to these friends as they start their new phase of life in North Carolina.

I lived through it. Everyone was very nice...of course. I also found out that I have sick days that are only good until the end of the week...so I will be "sick" Thurs and Friday. I am exhausted and my back hurts just from standing! I am very sadly out of shape. I was very aware of the fact that coming home was going to be hard. It was but Savannah found a random quarter today..and so did I. We know Jeddie is watching. So tired. so missing my baby.
Love J & k

Jed and The Mac

Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Jed with his baby..Livi-Mac
This was October of 2008

My doctor released me today to go to work tomorrow. He was not too happy about it but he knew losing my job at this moment would be stress I did not need. I have to get up by 5:30..I don't go to sleep until 2. This should be interesting. I am fairly sure they will not put me on the floor. I think they will make me an appointment for the "fit for duty" physical. Whatever. Just the standing for 8hrs is going to do me in. Maybe work will make me so tired I cannot feel anything anymore. That would be beautiful because this is intolerable. It's not going to get any better because the only thing that can make it better is Jed...and I cannot have him back.
So I guess tomorrow is the day I am supposed to go back and live my life like I used to. Except that before when I went to work it was wonderful to come home because I came home to Jed. Jed, who was always happy to see me and needed me.
Love J & K

I would like to ask everyone... or everyone that wants to... if you would email me your memories or thoughts of Jed..or maybe what Jed has taught you. In any form that is easiest for you..just random thoughts, a special memory, in the form of a letter to Jed..anything I would appreciate it.
Send it to:
cancersuckskdsj@gmail.com
Maybe one day I will use them to help me write a book about Jed...or maybe I will just read them and take comfort from them. A book seems way beyond me but I guess you never know. So even if you want to send me multiple emails that is wonderful. Thanks
Love J & K