Jed and brownies...for Hop.... Happy Birthday!

Jed257
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

We celebrated Hop's birthday today. We all survived the first "event" without Jed. He was there...but it's not the same. We made it through though...and dinner was good.
I work very hard at keeping it all together but sometimes it is just too hard. This morning I had one of those moments when the reality of my life hit me like a truck. I have to go through the rest of my life without Jed. My son is not here...physically with me. I am no longer raising a son....I am finished with all of that. I was not ready to be finished. It is really just too much to bear. When I get this overwhelming horrible feeling I just don't know if I can just keep doing this....I don't want to, it is way too hard. Harder than anything I ever could have imagined. When this feeling starts to take over and gets to that point where I don't know what to do....all of a sudden I get this weird, calming, warm feeling. When this happens I just get very calm. I know this is Jed, he is protecting me from the agonizing pain as much as he can. I really want to just stay in bed...really. I know this is not what Jed wants for me but I really really would like to just stay in bed. I think of all those that Jed has touched and I know it would be a disservice to him to stay in bed and wait to die...besides the fact that it's not possible to pay the mortgage that way! Oh well. at least I AM getting out of bed every morning at 5am and going to work, it is as much as I can deal with. I have not gotten on the treadmill to walk or run,,,,it just requires more energy than I have right now. I think of things I might want to do....and they sound good for about 30 seconds then I think "I did that with Jed", I did that for Jed", "Jed cheered me on when I did that", "Jed went with me to do that". EVERYTHING I did had something to do with Jed, about Jed, for Jed , with Jed or I hurried to do it so I could get home to Jed. Everything now seems pointless or at least just empty. Because of that it is exhausting to just get up. I always feel like I am walking through mud..it's foggy..so nothing is clear and it is muddy so it is very hard to move through the day. I hope at some point that eases up a bit....if not I will die of exhaustion! I miss my son. When he was about 5 or 6 he used to sing "Cat-Dog" to me every morning before I went to work...he always had to get up with me to say good bye. His voice was squeaky from steroids, he sounded like he inhaled helium. It was SO cute. Lately he would sing the theme songs to Johnny Test, Phinnias and Ferb, sponge bob and of course Family Guy. It's very quiet here now. One more thing I have to get used to. I really feel as if I am missing the other half of me. It sucks.
Up again at 5 tomorrow and back to work. Every morning I wake up and say to myself...."be a nicer person, be a nicer person, be a nicer person"...I have to giggle a bit because...well, if you worked with me you would understand. But I keep trying!
Love J & K
Look at his smile in that picture....pure bliss about the brownies he made.