Hershey Park 2009

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

I have a picture of these 2 when they were about 1st grade at Hershey park. I will have to dig it out and put it up. So very cute. Harley canceled the annual employees picnic this year...the new CEO needed that 6.5 million for 8 months of work so they couldn't afford the picnic. Not that I care now...perfect timing I guess. After 10 yrs of taking Jed and probably 6 years of taking DJ it would just be 1 more heartache to know it was happening and I was not taking "my boys".
Today was our last day of work for the week. Harley management made a big deal out of the fact that because of the "new attendance policy" we are ahead of schedule on bike building. I guess they think we are all stupid..(don't get me wrong, some are..but not all)..with the new rules they are getting over a half an hour more work from us without paying more and we are selling less bikes so DUH of course we are ahead. Dorks. But hey, whatever, we will definitely take an extra day off in the sun.
Danny and I are headed to Annapolis tomorrow afternoon. I have brunch with Mommo and G tomorrow first. It was my idea but now I am a bit reluctant,... I still kinda want to go ...it's the coming home that will be hard. It's such a harsh reality check every time I walk in the door. I am afraid it will be worse if I am gone for more than a few hours. So I guess we shall see. We will be back Saturday evening and will have dinner at Mom and Dad's on Sunday.
SO, I have like 15-18 college credits to my name...all PSU credits of course...anyway...that's ALL I have but today I received a card in the mail saying I am now a member of the PSU Alumni Assoc!!!!! HAHAHAHHA....why..... because Savannah danced in THON!! Funny..geeze no wonder they have the largest Alumni assoc in the world. Does that mean I don't have to go back to school? Wonder if I can get an honorary degree??!! Guess not.
I guess that's all for now. I managed to keep it together almost all day...yippee for me. I have pie...that helps.
Good night baby Jed. I love you more than the sun. Missing you desperately. I hope you are happy healthy and having a great time. Can't wait to see you.
Love J & k

Jed and Ma-B this past summer.
So today was ok.... until I started to go through my messages on my phone to delete some. I opened one and it was a picture that I posted on here and sent to everyone on October 6th.....it was Jed getting his "last" chemo. I just started to cry. Hate crying at work but I am getting used to it as I do it everyday. It was just such a smack to open that picture and remember how happy and nervous I was. NEVER did I EVER think that less than 3 months later I would be living without my Jeddie. I hate this and it sucks....have I mentioned that lately?? Yes I know....everyday.
This morning (at 4am) I was sitting on the edge of the bed trying to decide if I was going to go to the gym with Danny. I looked down and right under the edge of my dresser was a quarter.....I went to the gym. Kind of a sad workout but hey...I went!
Today was Lisa's last day at work. She has been going to school to be an RN for 2 years while working full time....very hard. She decided to take the 1st lay off. Now she can relax for the summer and finish school without killing herself in a factory. Also there is talk of us going to 4 10hr days...if we do everyone going to school will have to quit because the classes start at 6pm. This way she doesn't have to worry about that. We are very proud of her she is so very nice and has worked really hard.
Anyway, that's it for my day of fun....oh and I got my hair cut...whoohoo. Happy birthday Alecia!!!
I love you and miss you Jeddie....it is really really really hard to have to be here without you.
Love J & K

How cool is he?? The dude...chillin' with his ipod and "the hat".
Monday again. Short work week though...that's good. Hanging on, trying not to fall into the pit...the one that is always in front of me....the big black sad one. It's very hard. I miss my baby.
Love J & K

Jed with DJ and Morgan

Jed with DJ and Morgan
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

My kid is a nut. That is such a pretty face! Oh my.... miss him so much.
Today has been better than yesterday. I went to the mall...alone and then to old navy and panera with mom and Savannah. I managed to keep it together most of the day. Very hard to be at Old Navy and not shop for Jed... :(
Back to work tomorrow oh yay.
Miss you sweet pea. I love you baby Jed
Love J & K

Jed going to camp August 2008

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Breakfast with the fam....good. The rest of the day....not so great. Crying crying crying....so tired of crying. So tired of everything. I really do not want to do this. I just want to stay in bed. Why is Jed not here? Why do I have to try to make a life without him? I hate this. It gets worse everyday. I want to be angry but...who is there to be angry with? No one, I am aware of that....almost wish there was. Anyone that knows us knows the amount of time Jed and I spent together...now there is nothing. Everything he and I did for 8 yrs is either gone or I have to do them without him. Being in the house is hard but it is the only place I want to be. When I look at pictures of his smiling face I always smile, then I cry and want to throw up. I know he is around me but not actually having him here where I can take care of him and hang out with him and talk to him is horrible. I was in the car with Danny today riding along while he did stuff and I was just a mess. Like I said..today has been miserable. A little black car (like mine but a bit older) pulled out in front of us and it had a little tiny sticker on the back window the said ILUVU in red and white letters. I know that was for me...I felt it right away. I had to smile...
Love J & K

Savannah took this of Jeddie's light :)

the guys at Busch Gardens for Jed's 12th bday

the guys
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Heading home from work today I almost felt like I wanted to yell and scream that I want my son. The missing him, especially when I am headed home is torture. Knowing I am coming home, and Jed is not and never will be here again, is sickening. I wish I could explain how hard it is to comprehend that my funny, sweet, smart mouthed best friend is not here anymore, I still think this cannot be real. It sucks...really really sucks.
Love J & K

Uncle Adam and Jeddie Easter Egg guys

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

look at that grin!!!!
Someone thought I was giving them the "loser" sign today at work. For the record I was NOT but I thought about it! Anyway it made me think of Jed. He was on a loser sign kick for a long time! When he started he said "woser" and put his finger and thumb on his forehead. Then it turned into the whole thing where he would do "double woser" and Hop would do a whole body "woser" with his arm and leg. When we went to Disney Jed and Savannah made me a recording of them singing and playing fake instruments to the Smash Mouth song with the verse :"you were lookin kinda dumb with your finger and your thumb in the shape of an L on your forehead". So anyway this guy thought I was giving him the "woser" sign and it turned into me talking about this song...and the fact that I hadn't heard it in ages. On our way home we had to stop at the gym because the tanning I tried to start this morning at 4;30am did not work and when we walked into the gym guess what song was on??!!! I had to laugh. Yesterday when we stopped at the gym so I could activate my tanning package the guy was showing me the bed and right in the middle of the floor was a quarter.... :) He picked it up. Danny said he almost made the guy give me the quarter! I know Jeddie is here with me....but his physical absence is really hard to deal with. He is so funny and so smart and such a bright shining light. Our house is very quiet....and very sad.
Danny had to stop and pay a bill on our way home. I fell asleep in the car and had a little dream while waiting for him. i dreamed that I was sitting in the car and someone got in the driver's side with a gun and said I was going with him or he would shoot me..I looked at this robber guy wearing a mask and just started to laugh hysterically....he got out and ran. I was still chuckling when I woke up....I know, I'm crazy. Oh well. The need to see my son makes me kinda nutty....guess it will just keep getting worse.
Love J & K

Oh my they are so cute!

Oh my they are so cute!
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

How funny is that hat??
A person at work said to me today " I know you have been through a lot, and so you understand what I'm saying when I say..life really sucks, it just completely sucks". Now this person has lost a loved one to cancer BUT this person also has a healthy teenager and spouse. They are planning a celebratory vacation for when their child graduates and another family vacation before that. I didn't really know what to say, I just started to cry thinking of how much I would love to take my son on vacation and how fun it would be to plan a graduation celebration...even just from elementary school. What would this person think if they actually had to live like this? Just another example of how you have no clue what this is like, how truly horrible it is until YOU are the one without your child. NOTHING is worse than this....NOTHING. ugh.
SOOOO, anyway. No I did not make it to the gym this morning. Dan's back hurt so he didn't go (great excuse for me to stay in bed). Not that sleeping an hour more helped me. I forgot our lunch, which means I forgot my coke....I am a coke junkie...HAVE to have it. I didn't realize it until I got to work, then also realized I had NO money to buy one. after hearing me yell at the guy working next to me another guy gave me 2 bucks to go get my coke. I think maybe I scared him! The soda got stuck in the machine and I almost cried,,,,then I thought...oh that's stupid so I got Danny to help me shake the machine. I was kicking it.,,,he saved me from destroying it. Danny did go get change later and pay him back and bought me a yogurt and peanut M n M's so all was not too bad..I guess.
I want to learn to play tennis....I think. I mean it at least sounds good right now. Of course it will prob not be such a good idea when I find out how hard it is....all that running and hitting and stuff. Let's see who will teach me? My friend Marc has volunteered....not sure how much he knows of this sport but he would be a hoot. There was a bit of money invested in Savannah for lessons....a long time ago. Now my brother DID play on the tennis team in high school....hhhmmm, that would be good for both of us....somehow I don't think I could talk him into it though! oh well. I also have to remember that tennis would require me to leave my bed during non-work hours...better think on that one.
Ok I guess that's it for now. Trying to not think about how things REALLY are in my life. Sad sad sad. Missing Jed is so constant and so painful and so lonely...just so completely unending.
Love J & k

Jed & The Mac

Jed56
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

They are deep in conversation.
Ok day....hard evening.
Will I get up at 4 and go to the gym??? I just don't know. Getting up is hard enough.
sad, just very very sad
love J & K

spring 2000

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Look how young we all look. Oh my. I was raising small children...10 years ago. Seems like a lifetime ago. I guess it was. Makes me so very sad.
Love J & K

summer 2008

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

He is eating meatless mini corn dogs...and look at the smile.
Savannah got her tooth fixed today. Last night for some reason I decided we should go to this dentist and see what he had to say instead of waiting until Monday. Turns out cosmetic dentistry is his specialty. He explained that bonding would be the best route and when I asked him about insurance and how much he said "oh, I am not going to charge you"!!!!! A dentist fixed Savannah's tooth on a SUNDAY and charged NOTHING!!! I am just blown away!!! He did such a great job you really cannot tell. Amazing.
Savannah and I then did some shopping...to celebrate of course. Every time I go to get dressed I am hit with the reality that all my clothes are either things from the hospital (stretched out from sleeping in them) or work things (t-shirts). I don't want to wear any of that stuff on the weekend and the hospital stuff I don't want to wear ever again. I got a couple of shirts and so did Savannah. I realized that I cannot shop and NOT by t-shirts! I don't think I know how to wear a shirt that is not a t-shirt! We also got a solar light on a stick and took it to the cemetery. It's a glass orb that hangs on a metal hanger. We put it in the ground and Danny and I went over in the dark to look at it. It turns all colors. I know Jed loves it. It is pretty cool.
We had dinner at Mom and Dad's..grilled stuff, yum. It is very weird to be there without Jed. But it is very weird to be ANYWHERE without Jed. Again, coming home is so very hard. Instead of going into Jed's room and staying there for awhile I actually emptied the 2 baskets of clothes I have been living out of since I came home. I just couldn't make myself put the stuff away. I have a huge bag of sweaters for goodwill and a huge bag for Danny that are rags to wash the bike. I have like 4 shirts that are not t-shirts hanging in the closet, yay me.
So that was my exciting day. I refused to even go near all the boys clothes in Old Navy or target. I ALWAYS would buy Jed something...now I just avoid the whole area....sucks.
Danny wants me to go to the gym with him at 4am. UGH, I wish I wanted to but all I would do is use the tanning bed. (which I am trying not to do) I really need to do something but it just seems like so much work.
Everything seems like too much work. I have to call my homeowners insurance people to report the spouting and crap that fell off the house during all the snow and ice. Then I have to call and have someone come fix it. I have to call comcast and get them to fix the new internet that I am paying for and not getting. I know those are minor things but somehow they seem huge. Just have to get it done I guess. Add it to the list of crap I have to do and don't want to do.
That's it. My complaint session is accomplished....look I did something......
Good night Baby Jed. Mommy loves you and I found the blue rock you left for me in the back yard. Now if you could just come home all would be well.
Living without Jed is ..well it is not living it is just surviving and it sucks. I miss that smile and giggle more than words can express.
Love J & K

DJ, Jed and Savannah

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

This was the summer of 2007 in Grace and Jim's pool. The pool, as Jim says, they only have for Jed!
As you can see....Jed loved the pool. Look at that face...more life and laughs and love in 12 years then most of us have in 80 years. Everything seems so small and quiet without him.
Well except Savannah...def not quietl!!!
The Savannah quote for the day: "If I was dieing I would already be F'n dead". I came out of the psychologist's office feeling ok. I checked my phone before Dan and I got on the bike and I had 8 missed calls...from Savannah. I called her back and that was her opening comment to me. She has been in State College since yesterday afternoon and was to stay until tomorrow but as she was hanging out on the lawn she was hit in the mouth by an errant Frisbee. It chipped the bottom of one front tooth and cut her lip. She is ok, she just drove home and it is not near as bad as I thought. She has an appointment with an emergency dentist tomorrow but I am having her wait until Monday to see our regular Dentist. They will probably bond it. If not put on a veneer. Drama....oh the drama! I am just so glad it didn't break her nose. I can hear Jed..."hey Savannah, Smile for me"!!!
I had lunch today with Gram, Mom, Aunt Paula and Uncle Richard. It was nice to see everyone.
That's it for now.
Look at that picture one more time...you just have to smile. The love and life he brought to me is immeasurable. My life is so much richer and just so much......more.... than it ever could have been if I had not been blessed to be his mom. Trying to live without him....I just don't know....seems impossible.
Love J & K

me, G and The Man June 2009

Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Jeddie...what am I going to do? I miss you..well that is an understatement.
I want my son...here with me.
Love J & K

Mini-THON 2009

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Savannah and I walked over to the cemetery. She had stopped earlier and took a little potted yellow daisy plant. The funny thing is at the medium on Saturday she said to me, "Jed is handing you yellow daisies". When we came home we sat on the porch for a bit. I have to do that a little bit at a time. Jed loved to hang out on the porch...very weird to be out there without him. Everything is weird and wrong without him.
We had a meeting at work today about layoffs. The way it looks I should be jobless by the end of the summer. I was kind of hoping for the end of June so I could have some time off then start school full time in the fall. Danny is going to try to stay as long as he can.There are 100 people going out next month and 100 out in May. By the end of model year change over (July or so) 300 more are out. I had signed up for voluntary layoff but today I differed it because I have to work past June to get 18 weeks in for unemployment. Of course this all can change in a blink so we will see. I think my biggest fear is that I won't get laid off and I will stay where I am because I am too lazy or too scared to get out and do something else. I do not want to wake up in 5 years and realize I am still doing the same thing, in the same place and still not happy about it. I think my job at Harley has served it purpose. The job helped me get my independence, I met Danny, the insurance helped get Savannah's braces and pay Jed's medical bills, I hung out with mom everyday..lucky her..hahaha, I received love and support through the biggest nightmare in my life from my department, I owned the motorcycle I have always wanted. I bought my own home and it helped me give my kids a fairly decent life. Now I think it's time to move on and start something new....I just have NO IDEA WHAT!! I would love to just be the old lady that rides her bicycle all around the beach town collecting seashells and putting them in the basket on my bike....unfortunately that does not pay the bills. I have to go to school and do something. I guess it will figure itself out...we'll see.
Really right now when I think of all those changes and things I need to do....I want to stay in bed. I am so tired all the time. I am not sure there is anything that would really make me happy anyway. It's all just a bit too much to think about.
Sweet potato, I don't know how anything could ever be good again..without you here it is just very bleak. Fighting through the gray cloudiness...even when the sun is shining bright....is exhausting. There really is nothing I can think of that sounds like something I might want to do. I couldn't even stop at the grocery store today after work because when I did on Monday I barely made it through without a melt down. Today I just couldn't make myself try again. I don't know what's ahead or what is going to happen...it's kinda hard to even care...but I am trying. I miss you, more and more and more.
Love J & K

aawww

aawww
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

How cute are they? This picture was taken Saturday November 14th. We went into the hospital that Monday.
Today was Danny's birthday. Mom dropped off a chicken casserole and Savannah bought a cake. It wasn't the best birthday but at least he had dinner and a cake. Stacey, at work, also brought in donuts today.
Adam, Tiersa and The Mac stopped by this evening to say happy birthday. That kid is funny. When you ask her name she says Ki-u. She calls me Krishin. Funny little kid.
Jeddie spaghetti I miss you, miss you miss you miss you . I don't know what to do without you here. Mommy loves you baby Jed
Love J & K

St Patrick's Day 2009 Danny's Birthday

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

One year ago tomorrow. Who would ever have thought....I really just don't understand. It still is hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that he is not here. I cannot explain how much I miss him...words are so inadequate. Coming home from work gets more painful by the day.
Savannah I know you are going to hate this pic...sorry.
I wish you a happy birthday Danny...I know that is really not possible but I hope at least it is bearable.
Jeddie and I made the cake in that picture. Love you sweet potato.
Love J & K

Corn Dog for Jed and Pork sandwhich for DJ

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

This was the make a wish truck convoy last year. It rained...hard and was cold but it didn't stop them from eating!
Have I mentioned how bad this hurts, how much this sucks and how completely wrong it is to be without Jed? about a million times I'm sure.
I am so sad and can't imagine ever NOT being sad again. Today I actually almost feel angry. But it is a pointless waste of energy.
ugh, going to bed
love J & k

Sept 2009 Jamestown, VA

can't see them crossing the ocean on this thing
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

I did so well yesterday. Today got harder as the day went on. I did replant some of my seedlings that have sprouted. Lettuce, broccoli, and tomatoes. Then I planted some delphinium seeds. I also went to the grocery store....hated it.
Mr. Jim called and told me that he cleaned up the cemetery plot. There was a lot of digging to do there. It looks very nice now. He also brought up a stone and put a pile of blue rocks on top. The rocks he put there are the ones that Jed and DJ collected from the creek. Jed used to bring me some to put here in the flower garden. Thanks Mr. Jim. :)
Work tomorrow. Danny has to go too. Poor Danny.
I miss my funny little man. Today is 10 weeks since I came home from the hospital...without my Jeddie. It seems like a million weeks, I remember when he want to camp for 6 days, I made it about 24 hrs before I started counting the minutes until he was home with me. Living 10 weeks without him is sickening, really just miserable and so very sad. I want to hug my baby. It's very hard to not drown in the sadness of missing him. I work hard to "be ok". There are some times when I can't be. The missing him is just too much.
Ugghh, what a nightmare.
Love J & K

May 2007

jed hospital 002
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Why are you putting your toe in your ear??? What a nut. Jeddie I miss your funniness and your constant smile.
Danny and I went to the medium today. I have a cd of it and will listen to it tomorrow. I know that more things make since later. Anyway it was pretty cool. This lady is kind of hyper...she was very nice. The last few days I have been teasing Danny, saying I really wanted to meet his Dad. I am not sure how many years ago he died but I know Danny didn't really have any contact with him for many years before that. Danny did not think his dad would come through......he was the first! She described him as having trouble breathing and coughing a lot (he was missing part of a lung) she also said he was showing her a bottle of booze (he drank...too much). He was telling Danny, through the medium, that he really liked me and that he was so glad we are together. He thought I was "cute" and called me Miss Sunshine....HAHAHAHA. He also still loved Danny's mom. She asked me if we had lost a son. I said yes. She asked his name, I told her Jedediah....she said "I am hearing Jeddie"!!!! She said the same thing the others have said, that he left quickly....once it was time to go. That is true. She also said that he was in and out of his body often those last few days...I believe this. Then she said...he is telling me to tell you "you do not look old"..which is hysterical. I have often talked about turning 40 last year and feeling old, looking old blah blah. He always said "you are not old and you don't look old. On our big calendar last year I had written 39 again on my birthday. He crossed it out and wrote 40 and under that wrote "it's not bad and your not old"!!! she then said he was talking about baseball...this morning Danny wrote about their experience at a baseball game. So that was funny. She also said she was hearing motorcycles. Danny's dad told him to "wear that helmet" (Danny never wears a helmet). She told me that Jed is talking about his hair, that he got a hair cut or his hair looks good..she was getting something about that. For years hair really was an issue here. She also asked "who got a memorial tattoo?" I told her that his sister did. He said he really liked it but it should have angel wings...he was joking...funny kid. He was with both of my grandfathers. My dad's dad told me to tell dad to get a physical. He will be ok but he might have health issues soon. So Dad...go get one! All in all it was pretty cool. I was not disappointed, Danny was not either. There was another woman there, she lost a son also. The medium knew right away that her son was shot..murdered. This poor woman was a mess. You know, more than anything I think maybe we were all brought together so I could maybe talk to this woman. She has been contemplating suicide. I hope maybe I helped....I don't know. I did tell her that if she does that she will have so much junk to work through when she gets there that she wouldn't be able to spend time with her son. I also told her that she would not want to make the rest of her family hurt anymore than they already have. I said killing yourself is cheating anyway. We talked for some time. The other thing I told her was the main thing that keeps me from completely melting down is that I don't want my sorrow to impede whatever Jed needs to do over there. I don't want to hold him down or keep him from whatever he should be doing. I am still his mother and it is still my job to do what is best for him. She was calmer when we left so I am hoping that it at least gave her something to think about. That's about it. I am glad we went. It was a bit confusing with the other people there, she was having difficulty keep it all straight , all the information that was coming at her and who it was directed to. Oh she also said we will be going to Florida and Hawaii ..which is funny because I have been looking at property in both places...not that we can move there but visiting wouldn't be bad.
Oh Jeddie spaghetti, I know you are here with us but you physical absence is unbearable. I am working VERY hard to keep it all together,,,,to make it as easy for you as possible to do whatever it is you need to do. I love you baby Jed. It is very hard to live this life without you in it.
Love J & K

Uncle Adam and Jed...

baby shower 013
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

What a pair.
That is the hat I was talking about before, the one that Jed loved so much. I am so glad I found it. I don't have much to say today...well I mean I'm sure I could find something..ok, here's what I was thinking about today. I was thinking about Jed singing. He always sang, sometimes real songs and sometimes songs he made up and sometimes just noises. He was so funny. When I heard him singing...in the bathroom or in his bedroom I always stopped to listen. It made me feel so good. I know he's here, I feel him all around but I miss hearing him sing. He would come sliding into our room in his socks pointing his fingers like he was disco dancing. When he was short and puffy from steroids he was hysterical. When he got so tall and very thin he was all elbows and knees.....just as funny and slightly off balance. Our house is so different now.
Tomorrow is when I take Danny to the medium. i know some people don't believe and that is more than fine. Trust me, believing is very hard but when you get information that you know came from someone that is not here anymore....you really can't deny it. If nothing else it makes me feel better and I hope it does the same for Danny. I am doing a lot of reading on the subject. I am not going to start preaching about what I'm reading. It's not about religion though. The main message that comes through in every book that I have read in the last 2 months is that the only thing that matters is how you treat others and the only thing you take with you when you leave this life is love. Everyday I wake up and I think "be a better person, give everyone the benefit of the doubt and take nothing personally and be nice". as soon as I get to work I am tested...and I realize I suck at it!. oh well I guess it's something to keep working on.
Anyway so I will let you all know what happens tomorrow. Wednesday is Danny's birthday....maybe he will get a birthday hello from Jed tomorrow.
glad the snow is gone. I want to get the dirt cleaned up at the cemetery. The marker should be in by early May.
My lettuce, spinach, green beans, tomatoes, and broccoli seeds have sprouted. I have to get some little pots to replant them soon. They are growing pretty well. I might try to start some delphiniums from seeds too. They can be hard to grow but I think Jed is helping me so I will keep trying! I also have to get a load of mushroom soil soon too.
ok, see I told you I could find something to say...i always do. Danny has to come back to work on Monday. He is sad! He will also have to adjust to mom not being there. She made and warmed up his lunch everyday!!! Real meals! I eat yogurt and pretzels for lunch...yes big adjustment for Danny.
Haven't heard anything about Mom's lunch lady job yet. Fingers crossed.
I love you and miss you and can't wait to see you Jeddie. I have never been so happy to grow old quick...hurry hurry
Love J & K

Niagra Falls 2007

HELP HIM
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

What a nut. He is always good for a chuckle.
His room smelled like him when I came home today.....it hasn't for awhile but today I could smell the baby powder, sweaty boy, Jed smell before I was even at the top of the stairs. It made me smile....and cry. My heart belongs to you Jeddie

I am taking Danny to a medium on Saturday afternoon. He has never been to one and I want to see how this one is. Her name is Michele Livingston, she is in Hummelstown. I was also given the name of another medium near Harrisburg, She comes VERY highly recommended ...so maybe she is next. I hope Danny has a good experience ..I will let you know...or he will.
Love J & K

Jed summer 2009

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

My funny, sweet little Jeddie. I miss you.
Savannah and I had dinner with Kait and Kayla from Gamma Phi tonight. It was fun...thanks girls. It is just so hard to come home and not have Jed waiting for me. I will never get used to it, it feels so wrong
We had our comcast "triple play thing hooked up and now our netgear sucks even more than before with the dsl.
Today I got a message from another cancer kid mom. She lives in WI. I have never really talked to her directly....just through facebook. Anyway in the message she was telling me about her visit to the dentist. They were talking about her son and his cancer treatment. The dentist said that his daughter just finished raising money for THON, she goes to Penn State. He was explaining THON to her and she told him she had learned about it on facebook through another cancer kid mom (me). She mentioned Jed's name and that he had passed away. The dentist said "Jed Smith, that is my daughter's THON child....she is a gamma phi!!!! How crazy is that. So anyway Lael wanted to let me know that 2 people were thinking of us in WI this morning...very cool.
I did make it to work again today. At the end of the day a group of people were being shown through our area. We found out that they were potential buyers for the wheel area....our area is being sub contracted out. Nice, our union lets our company shop out our area as the company lays off it's own workers. The company amazes me. We are making bikes and even working overtime a bit. Who are the people buying these bikes? Any dealer I have gone to in the last year has had bikes sitting all over the floor. Quality is not good and getting worse and the company is trying to cut back wherever they can all the while making WAY too many bikes. We told management YEARS ago that we were making too many bikes, flooding the market. Of course management doesn't listen to us we are not smart enough to have a valid point.....but whatever I just cannot see Harley Davidson being a viable force in the motorcycle industry for too many more years. We still say we are "made in the usa"....really we are assembled in the usa. so many of our parts are outsourced to other countries. Of course when the company goes even further down in the dumps the "greedy union workers" will be blamed. Not the management that has managed us into the ground while pocketing their bonuses and making poor decisions. oh well I just need to keep my job until the middle of June so if I get laid off I can collect unemployment. Then we can go from there. I am not too worried about it. Why worry when you can't fix it anyway right?
I really miss my little friend. He gave me good advice and always had an opinion to talk about. He was my warm & fuzzy, I loved sitting in his chair in his room reading while he slept or watched TV. I loved going in to lay with him until he fell asleep. Being cut off from Jed so suddenly and completely is difficult to describe. The past 3 yrs while being hell have also been so beautiful. I was home with both kids and loved it so very much. I miss it very much.
I love you baby Jed and I miss you MORE everyday. This is just not tolerable. I keep asking how can I feel this bad and keep waking up? and I fake it so well at work too! amazing. it all just sucks and I want my son back. See there was no way I was going to get through a whole post without whining and complaining!
Love J & K

DJ and Jed Summer 2009 Baltimore harbor

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Made it work today..oh yipee. The little girl next door, Hayley, is in kindergarten. Today she told Danny the she was picked to put the crafts on her classroom wall tomorrow.....she was so proud! It made me think of Jed and the fish. In 1st grade they had fish on a board and if you were disciplined your fish was moved up. If your fish moved to0 many times you got in trouble. Jed was always SO proud because his fish NEVER moved. I would ask everyday because I knew he loved to say his fish did not move. Then one day he came home and was so serious. He said "Mom, my fish got moved up 1 spot today". He wasn't upset he was just taking it as a serious problem. I can't even remember the reason...I'm sure it was for talking.....I tried not to giggle..it was a big deal. I just told him, very seriously, that "everyone's fish gets moved at some point but a smart person will learn from that move and not have it happen again". Oh my he was so serious about that fish! I know...all that really had nothing to do with Hayley, it was her pride and happiness about her accomplishment that made me think of the fish.
Jed was very proud of his school work. He was particular and sometimes a bit OCD. It was serious work.
Then there was Jed the smart ass....excuse me..... but he really was. He definitely inherited the sarcasm gene we seem to have. Jed's favorite answer to a question he thought was stupid was "Um.....No" Those questions were usually asked by Dad or Danny. I loved when he was talking about something and he would stop and say "HEELLOO can you believe that" Yes Jed definitely was honing his first class Buckley sarcasm gene. You had to laugh though because he was so caring and compassionate you knew the sarcasm was not meant to be mean. I miss his little critiques of ...well.... almost everything. He usually had an opinion...and he almost always voiced it. It is very quiet here. There is no, "wait for it...WAIT FOR IT...OOHH yeah that's what I'm talking about" coming from the room next door. No giggles, no family guy quotes....just quiet.
Dan rode his bike today for a bit but he said it just was not any fun.....I said, it is because we have lost our sparkle. Jed was definitely our sparkle. Savannah is our bright and shining star..Jed was the sparkle.
For about a year..between 3 and 4 he carried this plastic candy cane everywhere. It was almost as tall as he was. He sometimes would hook stuff with it but mostly he just carried it around like a cane. I asked him once what it was for. He said "it's for cop'in' animals". I just said..oookkaay. A few days later I realized what he was talking about, he watched Animal Cops all the time....he was "cop'n animals" with that candy cane. Funny little kid.
Love J & K

Jed Mommo Livi-Mac and Savannah

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

I had dinner with Adam, Tiersa and The Mac tonight...all quite by accident. I didn't make it to work today. I just could not make myself get out of bed. Oh well, no use worrying about it. I would have stayed in bed all day but Danny brought his motorcycle home from mom and dad's garage and insisted I go with him for a ride. The weather was nice. We took a little ride and had lunch. We ate at the new Irish Pub in York...Maeyens. My critique...don't bother. Just not worth the stop. The ride was nice. I had a Dr appt at 4:15. Afterward I stopped to get soup to take home from the Pride, As I was waiting for Savannah to get it my brother and clan walked in. I stayed and had dinner with the fam. Thanks for dinner guys! The-Mac is a trip! Funny little kid.
So I guess I have to go to work tomorrow. Hopefully i will wake up better than I did today.
I have been looking for Jed's favorite hat. It's the one I made him with bamboo and cotton. It is blue and cream and very soft. He wore it all the time...so much that it had a hole in it. I couldn't fix the whole and we couldn't find the right yarn for me to make a new one but he kept wearing it anyway. I found it today while digging for riding gear. I was very happy it turned up. I put it in his room on his bed. He used to sleep in it sometimes.
I miss my son. Nothing is right.
Love J & k

2007 Gettysburg bike week

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

The weather was nice today. Danny and I went to breakfast & home depot, where I got some veggie seeds and starter pots. We washed the car too. I planted my seeds but I just don't know how good I will be with the follow through. We shall see. That was my exciting day. Just trying to keep it together. I still sometimes think this has to be a horrible nightmare and I will wake up to Jed singing the Family Guy song. I can't explain how deeply, for just for a few seconds, I truly believe this. Then I have to make myself face the fact that it is not a dream and I have to live without Jed. Looking at pictures is a double edged sword. I can laugh at them and just stare at his beautiful face but again...that is not reality. I would like to have a total mental breakdown and be able to live in a fantasy world for the rest of my life. I could be the crazy lady that wonders outside and gets lost...neighbors will find me and walk me home. I would stand on my street and invite everyone that goes by in for tea. I could just float around and live in a fantasy world. I guess that idea, along with being the pie eating woman, just are not going to happen..damn, I would be really good at both of them. The crazy lady sounds like the best of the two. Just happy oblivion. I couldn't get that lucky. I really need to find a way to believe Jed is ok and he is happy. Some days it is easier to believe than others. I hate not being the one that is taking care of him. I hate not being able to hang out with him....there really was nothing I did that I didn't do with Jed. What a mess.
Love J & K

April 2009 annual Hershey park visit with my boys

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

I was out in public today. Saw The Little Shop of Horrors at Red Lion HS with Savannah. They did a great job. Jared was the best wino I have ever seen.. :)
Missed Jeddie..he would have loved the musical..a plant that eats people.
Being in a large group of people is a bit overwhelming but Savannah drug me through it. I saw one of Jed's old teachers. Janet...Jed hung out with her son a bit when she was Jed's tutor. I also saw the principal of Jed's school. She was headed out and I guess in a hurry. She just waved.
Mom dropped her resume off at the education center for a cafeteria job. When she retired I sent her a link to a job posting for a cafeteria job for..it was for the high school. She didn't get her paper work in in time so she missed that opportunity. Savannah was over there the other evening helping mom update her resume and they checked the website.... a new job had been posted....for Mazie Gable..Jed's school! Actually, I went there, my brother went there, Savannah did and so did Jed!!! I think it would be a great part time job to have. Hope she gets it. If they hire her they will be so grateful, she is so organized and such a hard worker...they would be thrilled. Fingers crossed.
I was wondering today if they were going to do anything as a memorial for Jed at the school. Like a bench with his name on it or something. I don't know how that works maybe they only do that at the high school for students that are older. It would be nice to have a bench in the lobby or something with his name on it. I don't think they do that stuff though. I have to laugh...I guess I feel everyone should put up a memorial to him!
AP it was good to see you today. Thank you.
I guess that's it. I am tired,,,but what else is new!
Love J & K

The other half of me, August 2009

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

I don't have anything to say today..nothing is new. I am tired and if at all possible more miserable than yesterday. Everyday is harder
love J & K

2008 Megan and Jer's wedding

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Christmas Day 2005

xmas day @ home
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Savannah with her 1st Ipod and Jed with his 1st phone...a firefly...he was so thrilled!
Danny has good stories on his blog...I really don't right now. I think of stuff but when i start to write all that comes out is how much I need Jed here. I think of funny Jed things all day too but when I go to bed I relive those last 4 days over and over...every second... I hate it because his last 4 days were such a very small part of his life but it replays in my head on a continuous loop. What a disservice to him. I hope that goes away soon. Besides the fact that it keeps me from sleeping and it is a horror to keep reviewing it. I still, 8 weeks later, am having difficulty believing he is gone. I look at these pictures and I want to go show them to him. Then I remember....sometimes it hits me so hard I can't catch my breath. His giggle....especially when he was really giggling...was hysterical. It made you giggle.
I always hated to wake him up but on the days he was feeling ok he would pretend to be asleep and I would lean down right in front of his face and stare at him....he couldn't help it, he would start to grin. He would be lying there with his eyes closed trying to fake sleeping but smiling the whole time.
He loved the pillsbury sticky buns in the roll....but he had started picking up the "reduced fat" ones because he said they taste the same and then I would eat one too. I found his last roll of those in the fridge and we made them last night. He always stopped at the chefs kitchen in the grocery store to taste what they were making and to collect the recipe cards. Then he would ask if he could have a steak and when I said yes he was off the meat counter to pick out his filet. He always weighed all my produce and put the price stickers on them and he had a constant running "grocery list" in his head. Wow no wonder I hate the grocery store now more than ever. Everyday I am reminded of how Jed was a part of every single aspect of my life. My life revolved around him and his around mine. Even the moments I was not with him I was checking my phone and rushing to get back to him. Now what do I do?
Love J & K

Ocean city 2008

It's a little chilly
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

8 weeks, as of this morning at 6:30am it has been 8 weeks since I held my baby's hand, touched his face and felt him breath. I don't know how I have lived for 8 weeks without him. I don't understand how I can hurt this bad and keep waking up every morning. I don't like it and I am not thrilled that I have to keep doing it.

So enough of me. Jed's friend, from clinic, Iysis is in need of a bone marrow donor. Her cancer has returned. She is bi-racial and finding a match is difficult.

Bone Marrow Drive & Bake Sale: Saturday March 20th @ Bethel AME Cultural Center 450 E Strawberry Street Lancaster PA. 11:00am-3:00pm Please come and be tested to see if you are a match for Iysis or someone else!
Proceeds benefit the Be The Match Foundation

Remember if you are not a match for Iysis you could be for someone else. Please come help save a life

Iysis 2007

Love J & K

this link goes to the event facebook page....thank you in advance
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/group.php?v=info&ref=mf&gid=359502851340

Just feed him and he's happy! summer 2007

Just feed him and he's happy!
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Oh that happy smile...even on a completely crappy day. Such a sweet, funny, sarcastic boy.
I need pie.
Love J & K

I Love You Baby Jed

Congratulations to the Gamma Phi 2011 THON Chairs
Kait Sawyer
Emilie Mariotti
Sam Thomas
Kim Burger
Carly Etling

Work HARD and remember Jed is always with you. Hugs and Much Love

Ocean City 2008

Jed85
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Made it through another day. Oh yipee! Everything still sucks. I know, not very uplifting to read but truly that is just how it is. I know Jed wants me to be ok. He wants me to not be so overwhelmed with sadness. I cannot change that, at least as of now. I fake it pretty well but it is exhausting. Everyday the reality hits me. I have to live the rest of my life without Jed here. I know he is with me but I need him here. I need him to be waiting for me after work, sticking his head out his bedroom window and whistling. I need him to call me in every night when he's ready to go to sleep so I can sit with him. I need him HERE to do all the stuff he and I do. If i live to be the age of both my grandmothers I have more than half my life to live yet...another 40 plus years.......dear god..can I stay in bed in my pjs for that long??
I bought a pie from a girl at work today. When I brought it home Savannah ate some before she left for work....I was eating it out of the box with a fork, she and Dan were commenting on the fact that I might eat the whole pie. I told them that was my new plan, all I want to do is stay in bed in my pjs so I am going to eat and eat then I will be too fat to get out of bed and I could have a tv show about me. Savannah was laughing until I said..."oh yeah and I will be too fat to bathe so someone will have to wash me". At that point she said I was freaking her out a bit.. Oh well I thought it was a great idea.
I don't want to do ANYTHING without Jed. I don't want to go anywhere without Jed. There is just nothing that sounds like something I might want to do. So for now I guess I will just work on getting up and getting to work.
I feel Jed all the time, I talk to him and I know he is listening...but it is not enough. I need him HERE.
UGH..
.I try to think of all the love he has brought into my life, all the people he has touched and continues to touch. He has changed many people for the better. He has enriched many lives. His beautiful smile continues to inspire people to be nicer, more accepting, less judgmental and just more loving.
But for right now the fact that his room is empty is torture. I have to keep reminding myself how very lucky I am to have had him for 12 amazing years.
Enough.....
please pray for and send strength and love to our friend Thomas in Texas.
Love J & K
oh and Danny is writing on his blog again. His is much more interesting to read!