Mini-THON 2009

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Savannah and I walked over to the cemetery. She had stopped earlier and took a little potted yellow daisy plant. The funny thing is at the medium on Saturday she said to me, "Jed is handing you yellow daisies". When we came home we sat on the porch for a bit. I have to do that a little bit at a time. Jed loved to hang out on the porch...very weird to be out there without him. Everything is weird and wrong without him.
We had a meeting at work today about layoffs. The way it looks I should be jobless by the end of the summer. I was kind of hoping for the end of June so I could have some time off then start school full time in the fall. Danny is going to try to stay as long as he can.There are 100 people going out next month and 100 out in May. By the end of model year change over (July or so) 300 more are out. I had signed up for voluntary layoff but today I differed it because I have to work past June to get 18 weeks in for unemployment. Of course this all can change in a blink so we will see. I think my biggest fear is that I won't get laid off and I will stay where I am because I am too lazy or too scared to get out and do something else. I do not want to wake up in 5 years and realize I am still doing the same thing, in the same place and still not happy about it. I think my job at Harley has served it purpose. The job helped me get my independence, I met Danny, the insurance helped get Savannah's braces and pay Jed's medical bills, I hung out with mom everyday..lucky her..hahaha, I received love and support through the biggest nightmare in my life from my department, I owned the motorcycle I have always wanted. I bought my own home and it helped me give my kids a fairly decent life. Now I think it's time to move on and start something new....I just have NO IDEA WHAT!! I would love to just be the old lady that rides her bicycle all around the beach town collecting seashells and putting them in the basket on my bike....unfortunately that does not pay the bills. I have to go to school and do something. I guess it will figure itself out...we'll see.
Really right now when I think of all those changes and things I need to do....I want to stay in bed. I am so tired all the time. I am not sure there is anything that would really make me happy anyway. It's all just a bit too much to think about.
Sweet potato, I don't know how anything could ever be good again..without you here it is just very bleak. Fighting through the gray cloudiness...even when the sun is shining bright....is exhausting. There really is nothing I can think of that sounds like something I might want to do. I couldn't even stop at the grocery store today after work because when I did on Monday I barely made it through without a melt down. Today I just couldn't make myself try again. I don't know what's ahead or what is going to happen...it's kinda hard to even care...but I am trying. I miss you, more and more and more.
Love J & K