Jed85
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69
Made it through another day. Oh yipee! Everything still sucks. I know, not very uplifting to read but truly that is just how it is. I know Jed wants me to be ok. He wants me to not be so overwhelmed with sadness. I cannot change that, at least as of now. I fake it pretty well but it is exhausting. Everyday the reality hits me. I have to live the rest of my life without Jed here. I know he is with me but I need him here. I need him to be waiting for me after work, sticking his head out his bedroom window and whistling. I need him to call me in every night when he's ready to go to sleep so I can sit with him. I need him HERE to do all the stuff he and I do. If i live to be the age of both my grandmothers I have more than half my life to live yet...another 40 plus years.......dear god..can I stay in bed in my pjs for that long??
I bought a pie from a girl at work today. When I brought it home Savannah ate some before she left for work....I was eating it out of the box with a fork, she and Dan were commenting on the fact that I might eat the whole pie. I told them that was my new plan, all I want to do is stay in bed in my pjs so I am going to eat and eat then I will be too fat to get out of bed and I could have a tv show about me. Savannah was laughing until I said..."oh yeah and I will be too fat to bathe so someone will have to wash me". At that point she said I was freaking her out a bit.. Oh well I thought it was a great idea.
I don't want to do ANYTHING without Jed. I don't want to go anywhere without Jed. There is just nothing that sounds like something I might want to do. So for now I guess I will just work on getting up and getting to work.
I feel Jed all the time, I talk to him and I know he is listening...but it is not enough. I need him HERE.
UGH..
.I try to think of all the love he has brought into my life, all the people he has touched and continues to touch. He has changed many people for the better. He has enriched many lives. His beautiful smile continues to inspire people to be nicer, more accepting, less judgmental and just more loving.
But for right now the fact that his room is empty is torture. I have to keep reminding myself how very lucky I am to have had him for 12 amazing years.
Enough.....
please pray for and send strength and love to our friend Thomas in Texas.
Love J & K
oh and Danny is writing on his blog again. His is much more interesting to read!
4 comments:
I feel so powerless to help you since I know all you really want is your boy back.
But I'm here, I'm reading, I'm aching for you.
12 years isn't enough.
Hi-
Thinking of you all the time. Thanks for your gut level honesty, although I'm sure words can never describe the agony you are living. I'm glad you talk to Jed and know he hears you, even though I know it's not enough - and it's just so not OK for this to ever happen!
Your positive thoughts for Thomas mean the world to me - and you sharing him with those you know too. I know he and Jed would have been good buds.
I feel confident the fungal test results were wrong - found out some more info on "false positives" and Thomas received a drug the day before the test that causes this to happen a lot - Thanks so much for your encouraging note about his white cells - I hadn't thought of that -and you're right. Anyway, it made me feel better.
Keep eating delicious pies and know I'm still here!
Lisa M.-
That's a sweet picture. Keep writing Kristin.
Know that we are still thinking of you and Jed all the time.
-Gamma Phi
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