Last year, when I turned 40, I wrote 30 on the calendar. When I woke up the morning of my birthday this is what Jed had done to my calender! I miss my son.
We said good bye to Roger today at work. Today was his last day. I will miss Rog. He is just a nice, easy going, caring guy. Everyone was nice about my birthday..not everyone knew anyway...thank goodness!
Savannah and I went out for Mexican food tonight. It was yummy. She gave me a teddy bear that the lovely Michelle Bailey made out of Jed's fave Penn State fleece Pjs...it is beyond awesome. She also gave me a box of note cards , chocolate AND an actual CD recording of HER SINGING!!!!!! Finally....after years of begging! I Love it!
Tomorrow, for my birthday, I have an appointment with my psychologist, that is more than enough for me. Danny has an appointment too. Hope it helps him a bit. Waiting for him to get himself together. I feel bad but I cannot do this for him, he has to turn this corner on his own. It's very hard and I know everyone has to do it in their own time and in their own way.
Everyday when I get up I think of how Jed smiled no matter what...everyday. I try to honor that. It is a decision I make every morning and struggle with all day everyday. I have to tell myself that just because I get up and go to work and try to act normal does not mean I don't miss him or that I don't love him enough. I think if you saw Jed and I together even one time in his life you realized how deep my devotion and love is for my child. So I should not feel the need to prove it to others...and I don't. Someone told me...the proof of my love was evident to all. I only want to make him proud & keep him from worrying about me. I also don't want Savannah to feel she has to take care of me. I am the mom...and no matter if my child is here with me or in heaven I still have to keep doing what I feel is best for them.
The end of April, beginning of May sucks. Livi's party was last week, Jed would have LOVED it, my birthday is tomorrow, Sunday we are going to help celebrate Lucas' 1st birthday (Jackson's baby brother) another baby Jed LOVES, Tuesday is Savannah's birthday ....and her brother should be there and then there comes mother's day. I have an appointment that day with a medium. Maybe Jed will have a message for me on mother's day. It is also my parents anniversary. Then, in the middle of this, hearing that Jimmy (a Red Lion boy) is sick again and work adding mandatory overtime....I cannot wait for June. I guess it doesn't sound like a big deal but doing little everyday things without Jed is torture....doing these yearly things without Jed is ....Hell. Mother's day for god's sake.....the big F word there. Well except I love my mommy!
I want to get the dirt for my veggie beds this weekend. Right now I am still making a rug..takes forever.
Love J & K

Always Happy at Chili's!

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Ugh. sad, tired, irritated, depressed, aching, lonely, sad sad sad..missing my lovey, my friend, our lazy days, our big discussions, his funny jokes and quirky comments
and then.....I get told the great news..next Tuesday (Savannah's birthday) and Thursday we have MANDATORY overtime....we have 100 people being laid off monday but we are being FORCED to work overtime Tuesday and Thurs. YAY...jerks. I have been doing very well going to work, not complaining...too much...keeping a fairly positive attitude and generally just keeping myself together and trying to be nice to all. This is hard and not just because I lost Jed. We are supposed to keep producing, with great quality, while our friends and family are losing their jobs right next to us. We are to keep producing the same number while losing people from our dept without replacements and the best part..the jobs we are doing everyday are not being cut....they are being GIVEN to another company. But we are to keep going and just be grateful. I think the thing that bugs me most is that this company markets their brand based on it being a family, it is NOT. They only are interested in the money of the people that buy these bikes ( and overpriced accessories, and the service work that costs a fortune oh and the extremely poor quality clothing..made in china). They do not care about the actual people or the employees that make the product that are making them their money. I am so disappointed at the outright lie. I am also disappointed that they give us speeches about respect and quality!!! Such a joke. BUT HEY after your 8 hr shift doing a job that is being given to another company soon, we are making it mandatory to stay at least an extra hour. I know sounds like not a big deal...it is.
oh well. At least with all the people leaving we are having alot of small parties. It is so much easier to go to work on donut day and cheesecake day.
JED...I have had enough,,,come back now
I love you Jeddie spaghetti. Missing missing missing you
love J & k

Jeddie and Fred

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Miss miss miss my baby.
Please send Jimmy, a fellow cancer fighter, lots of love, good vibes and prayers.
Cancer sucks and I am so so so tired of it. Adults suffering is terrible, children suffering from this disease is devastating & many of these kids fight it over and over again. It is so wrong...just freakin' wrong.
Jeddie, keep an eye on Jimmy and help him when you can. I love you sweat pea and am working very hard everyday to keep it all together. Missing you more than words
Love J & k

Spring 2008

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Farmer Jed.
I don't know that I have much to say. Nothing is any different than yesterday....ok so the rug I was almost finished with I have now taken apart...that's about all that's different. I am still spending my days pretending that nothing bad has happened. At work, of course it is much easier but I can even almost convince myself at home...as long as I stay downstairs. I can pretend Jed is in his room. Of course the missing him eventually gets SO bad, so painful, that I am forced to face reality..hate that. It is still difficult to believe,,,,impossible to comprehend. I wish there were words to accurately describe how much I miss Jed. There just are no words. Oh baby Jed...mommy is so sad.
I am also missing all of our clinic friends and 7th floor friends.
It just all sucks.
Danny has taken a leave of absence from work for a bit. He is struggling. For me staying home all the time would make things much worse I think. For him I hope it helps.
That's all for now. Good night baby Jed.
Love J & k

Me and my chickies

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

I miss you baby Jed. There is a big hole where you are supposed to be. I love you. I want to grow old quick and see you soon.
love J & K

Jed and Kyle May 2009

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Missing my Jed. More and more and more...not getting better just getting worse. Is this really my life? If there was even a slight chance Jed could come back things would be so much easier,,,just a small drop of hope would help get me through...knowing there is no hope, knowing I have to live without him...it's just too much. I want my son.
Love J & K

#1 and #2

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Funny boys.
The party went well. It was hard but I would never have missed it. Livi-Mac is such a nut. She was busy busy busy...all day. The food was rockin and I am so full.
Adam, you better start taking care of yourself. I think maybe you should give me tennis lessons a couple times a week....that would give you a work out! Think about it.
I missed you today Jeddie. I felt lost without you to take care of. I feel at loose ends without you. Not sure what to do with myself. Jase was there being crazy. It was funny but so weird to not see you out there. You would have been in the driveway making sure all the little kids on battery operated four wheelers and jeeps were being safe and sharing. Ethan and Jase spent time together playing with Livi's new kitchen..they were cooking for each other! I love you Jeddie....so very much, It is incredibly hard to be with all those kids and to be without you. I hate it and it sucks.
Next Sunday I am going to Lucas' 1st birthday party. I know you would be so excited to go and see him. I miss my funny friend, my guy that went everywhere with me, my sweet boy that was always by my side. Being without you is just torture. Every moment is hard, a struggle and just so sad. Oh Jeddie my love, please keep leaving me signs that you are here...I need them to help me get through each day.
I love you sweet potato
Love J & K

Jed and Livi-Mac

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Tomorrow Is The Mac's birthday party. Jed would be so excited. This will be very hard..crap.
I know he will be there with us. I will watch as she opens her gifts, Jed will be right there helping her...he loves to help others open their gifts!
It will be a nice day.....but it will suck for me.
Our friend Iysis had her transplant today and I heard it went well. Fingers crossed and many prayers for continued success in her road to being a healthy normal teenage girl.
I started the process of getting the porch summer ready. I took everything off and scrubbed the whole porch,windows,door, etc with soapy water. I repainted my favorite chair and stool. I have to scrape and paint the table and one day next week I am hoping Savannah and Kyle will bring down my iron crib. I have to spray it with a clear coat to protect it then we can pile it with pillows. I am still on the fence about the flowers. I want to do it but I'm just not sure if I want to put out the energy it will take to do it!
My voucher was approved for my American Government class that starts May 10th. I think I am ready, the only way I will know is to go I guess. I will send out the registration tomorrow.
I am missing Jed....I can't think about it too much and the last few days his pictures have been painful to look at. I look at them and I can't breathe. It hurts so much when I let myself really think about the fact that he is not here next to me. Everything I was, everything I did, everything about every moment of every day and night was about Jed, with Jed for Jed. He and I talked ALL the time about all kinds of stuff. We were ALWAYS together. NOTHING about my life is the same. Someone told me I have to find a "new normal"....really I have to find a whole new life. I think only another parent that has or had a very ill child can understand exactly how intense and deep my relationship is with Jed. I can't even put words to it. I know I have talked about this so much it's nauseating but everyday I think of something else that is gone. I had a routine for almost 8 yrs. Jed and I and the same group of people just about every Tuesday. I am missing all of them. I miss the quite time when I would be sitting in Jed's room reading while he was sleeping or when I would go in and fall asleep with him. The times when I would wake up and he would be in my bed after Danny went to work. All those long nights in the hospital...just Jed and I...talking..just being together. The past 3 years were so beyond intense for he and I. Even though they were hell they were the best years of my life...the best and most beautiful I will ever have. I am so grateful for them....so, so very thankful for them.
Love J & K

Jed and The Mac 1 year ago

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

The Mac is 2 today. We took her American girl stroller down to her. She liked it but was more interested in the cup cake we brought. Her party is Saturday.
No work tomorrow...some kind of paint issue. I am definitely not heartbroken about it.
Nana is doing well. She got up today and ate a jello!
I got the stitches taken out of my hand today..whoohoo.
I am missing my Jed. Really really missing my Jeddie. That's all I'm going to say because I am exhausted and if I start to write about how I am missing him it will just be too much to handle. Oh Jeddie, I really do not want to be without you...it is just too hard.
Love J & K

Jed Pappaw Savannah and Nana

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69



Just a quick note. Nana had surgery today and is doing well. No cancer anywhere else but where they took the little tumor. She will be fine.
Thank you to EVERYONE that has been emailing Savannah about donations for the luncheon. You guys really rock. I am amazed and humbled everyday by the generosity and love from my friends and family. Thank you.
Today was a bit of a rough day. Worried about Nana all day but glad she is doing well. Worried about Savannah..worrying about Nana...but she is doing well also.....worrying about Danny....still worrying. We are just hanging on, trying to just get through each day.
Sweet baby Jed, we miss you are are fraying at the edges without you here to hold us together. Desperately missing you, every moment. Your love and smile and giggle and smart comments are so needed. I ache to hear your little squeaky voice singing in your room...or in the bathroom! I love you sweet pea and can't wait to see you.
Love J & k

Jed August 2007

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

He was so very proud of that salad....it was YUMMY!
I don't have much to say today.
Oh I do want to tell everyone OCTOBER 2nd....SAVE the date!! We are working on The Jedediah Thomas Smith Memorial Luncheon. Details coming soon. All $ raised will go to THON. We will have a couple of raffles, some silent auction items..food, music, karaoke, etc. When we have all the official things set I will let you know but we hope to see as many of you as possible. If it goes well we would like to have one every year...it is only a few days after Jed's birthday so come help us celebrate...PLEASE! It will be at the Great American Saloon where Jed's wake was.

Ok so here is a message from Savannah explaining it all in a much more coherent manner than I was able to:

The Jedediah Smith Memorial Luncheon will be held October 2, 2010 from 11:00 a.m. - 4:00 p.m. at the Great American Saloon in Red Lion, Pennsylvania. Tickets are $15.00 in advance or $20.00 at the door. All proceeds benefit the Penn State IFC/Panhellenic Dance Marathon which helps children and their families battling pediatric cancer and funds research to help find a cure. Doors will open at 11:00 and a buffet lunch will begin at noon. The luncheon will also feature raffle prizes, a silent auction, live music (to be announced) and karaoke. Please join us to celebrate Jed's 13th birthday and help raise money to conquer pediatric cancer once and for all!

Currently we are looking for donations for our silent auction. We are taking donations such as gift certificates, homemade jewlery, candles, baked goods, massages/spa treatments, collectibles, event/destination tickets, purses, etc. and making them into gift baskets. If you have a connection to anything or anyone that could possibly make a fabulous donation, please let me know!

To purchase tickets or to make a silent auction donation please email Savannah at srs0504@gmail.com THANK YOU!

There, see that's why she is in charge..not me. She is the smart one!!!
Ok, that's it for now. Whenever I say I don't have much to say it turns into a huge post!
I love you baby Jed. Missing you desperately. I am also missing all of our friends/family at Hershey Med. So much is gone...everything has changed...nothing is right....it is all just SO VERY HARD and I do not like it at all. I love you sweet pea.
Love J & k

Hop and Jed 2000

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Oh my such a chuckle. Pull ups on their heads...
Well I made it through today with no bodily harm. We'll see what happens tomorrow.
I am trying to hold on to my numbness. If it goes away I am not sure what will happen. I mean, I have moments everyday of course but I spend most of my day numb....I like it that way. I am not ready to give it up. If I actually have to feel this..all if it...I will not be able to function. Jed's last 5 days are playing a loop in my head all the time. More so this past week I guess. Not sure why. The reality of the decision I was forced to make seems to be hitting home. I know I am not the first nor will I be the last to have to choose. It is sickening. I know I had no choice really but to have to actually say "please stop treating him", "please just give him things to make him comfortable"...to be the one to have to make that choice is a pretty hard thing to live with. Everything about my life is different now. Who I was was completely wrapped up in my kids....especially Jed. I was the person taking care of Jed. i was the one giving him the meds to make him better...even as they made him sicker. I was the one that was his cheerleader, his nurse, his chef, his waiter, his biggest fan and he was my life. As horrible as it had gotten I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. It was the greatest gift I could ever imaging being given.I am pretty lost without him here. Finding a new me is really beyond what I am capable of doing right now. That is really just to much to try and figure out. So for now I hope to stay as numb as I can. At some point I hope to come to terms with my decision to stop Jed's treatment. I am fairly sure I would make the same one again...I think. I am still stuck on the fact that I NEVER thought I would lose Jed. I always knew his fight would be hard but I was SURE I would not lose him....well I did.
I know he is around me. For days now I have been seeing the number 222 everywhere. Since I really no longer believe in coincidences I figured it had to mean something. The other day the thought came to me that Jed wanted to let me know that he will be there to celebrate his baby, Livi-Mac, turning 2 on the 22nd. As soon as I had that thought I knew that was what he was telling me. Ok so call me crazy....don't care...it works for me. I have to believe he is still with me or I won't make it. for now I am just holding on.
I love you baby Jed. I am so sorry.
Love J & k

Danny and Jed 2000

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

They were instant friends. Even if one was 2 and one was 47..they were 2 peas in a pod...still are.
Another day...I lived through another another day. I don't understand how it keeps happening. I worked on my rug for a bit. Mom brought A over and then we went to Adam's for pizza. Hung out with The Mac ...that kid is funny. Savannah asked her "what happens next week? She said "my birthday I be 2". Savannah then said "are you having a party" and Livi-Mac said " I just want cake". The kid is a cake fiend!!!! can't blame her.
I hung out in Jed's room for a while today. I go in there all the time but I try not to hang out...it's just too hard. Today Savannah was sleeping and Danny was mowing the lawn so I just laid on Jed's bed and pretended he was there. It is so hard to look at his things, his sno globes....he loves sno globes. All his other stuff...things he loves. They are all still there just waiting for him to come home.
Back to wok tomorrow. I have to go to medical at 8am for them to look at my stitches. I keep doing things that hurt it because I forget they are there. I wonder what my boss will think I can do.
This had been a rough week on me....Tuesday I fell off of a chair at work,,then when I went to get up I was too dizzy and fell back down again! ( love being the comic relief) Thursday I cut my hand and today I was opening a box that had Livi-Mac's birthday gift in it. I took the smaller box out of the big box and while I was closing up the big box the small box fell off the trunk I had put it on and hit me in the temple...it was hard enough to make me bleed! Let's hope I can go through this week without too much bodily harm.
Savannah said this prom was better than her own...so they had a good time...and she got to wear her dress again.
Tomorrow I hope to figure out my password info for the employee website so maybe I can register for this class...we'll see.
I guess I will wake up again tomorrow....without Jed.
I love you baby Jed. Nothing is the same, nothing is right. Missing you.
Love J & K

Prom last year.

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Savannah is at prom tonight, this year it is Kyle's senior year. She was very smart though...wearing the same dress! She looks great. When she sends me the pictures I will post some on here. Jed was in some of our pics...we took them in front of his picture. Kyle looked very nice is his white tux. Nana and Pappaw and Mommo and Hop came by to take some pics too. It is just so heartbreaking to do these things without Jed...it sucks to do anything without Jed...even just hang out. I HATE THIS. ugh
Savannah and Kyle will be here soon to change clothes and head out to a friends house.
Goodnite Jeddie my love. Missing you every minute of everyday and every second of every night.
Casey sent me this poem. Thanks Case.
I miss you now more than ever before, but I trust that god will open a door and show me how to go on without you.... to give some hope and comfort too, for you were my life and I loved you so dear and it breaks my heart to not have you near....but life goes on and I will too....I just wish that it wouldn't go on without you.... All my Love
Love J & K

Jed and Autumn

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Always the party animal....impressing the ladies and all that!
Long day. So glad it's the weekend. Why do the weeks drag and the weekends go by in a blink?
Thought I got my employee password issue all figured out. Came home to try to register for school for the 4th time....nope still cannot get on the Harley employee website to apply for my voucher. Love it...
I was so happy to look at my painting when I got home. It is so beautiful.
Danny is still struggling. He sleeps a lot. I know work is exhausting but it is also mixed with depression. I want him to take a leave from work and go see his family...he won't...unless I go.......hoping he changes his mind.
Tomorrow Savannah is going to Kyles prom. I am going with her to get her hair done in the morning....see you soon AP!!
Thought of Jed every second..all day, nothing new there I guess. I was thinking of how he told everyone that came into his room to check out peopleofwalmart.com! He loved that website! Oh Jeddie I miss you....so so so so miss you ,baby boy. When I really start to think of everything that I miss about you it's like a knife in my heart....the reality is just too much to handle. I saw an ad for Wyoming today in a magazine. The boy in the ad looks exactly like you, the more I look at it the more it is YOU! I love you Jeddie. Being without you is torture...Can't wait to see you.
Love J & K

Painting!

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

I had this photo made into an oil painting. It came today. It is beautiful. LOVE IT!!!! It's my mother's day gift to myself.
Had a fun day. I got 4 stitches in my hand this morning. I sliced the little chicken leg part of my hand near my thumb while cutting open a box. The Dr was actually on site today so I didn't have to go to the ER the bad part is that I was back at work before lunch. I was told not to use it today or tomorrow so I do not pop the stitches. There are no jobs in my dept that can be done with 1 hand....but my boss thought he found one...wrong. I guess I get to go in tomorrow and sit there for the day..whoohoo. It hurts a bit and my fingers are swollen, very pretty.
Dad found a quarter today...his first one. It was right at the edge of the curb when he left my house after stopping to see the painting. Savannah found one also. When she left for school there was no quarter on her bed but when she came home there was one!!!
I love you Jeddie. I hope you like the painting. Miss you so much sweet pea. Danny said he didn't understand how I could be "fine" when he was such a mess.....I am not fine...just faking. You always smiled for me...no matter what, I'm trying to do the same for you.
Love J & K

tried again to register for this class at psu york....my pass word, the new one I got today, for my employee website does not work. Class starts May 10th...crap. Will try again tomorrow.

Jed and A after Adam and Tiersa' wedding on St John

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Look how cute he was. Such a sweet boy.
Mom didn't get the lunch lady job but she did get a job as a sub. I think she just fills in anywhere they need someone. Today she was an aide in a classroom. The child she was an aide to threatened that if mom didn't do everything the child wanted she would tell the office she was bad at the job. Mom told her well it would be the first time....the kid got what you can call "intro to mommo 101". It is the no BS zone!!
Today a guy at work brought hot dogs and chili dogs and stuff from some hot dog place. The whole dept smelled like onions..yuck. I was standing there thinking...I can always get Jed to eat a bite of a hot dog, think I'll stop and get some and make them on the grill for him.....I hate those moments. I just want to sit right down on the floor and cry. BUT it's very dirty, everyone would feel very awkward , and it wouldn't make anything any better....so I just keep working. Working with that horrible reality eating me up. What else can I do? Nothing can fix it, I just have to live with it. We all just have to live with it. I miss my son.
I came home today with the intention of registering for a summer night class..American Government....but I cannot find my paper with my password for our employee website so I cannot request a voucher...which means I cannot register today. Hopefully tomorrow I can find out how to get a new password. The class starts on May 10th.
Guess that's all for now.
Love you sweet potato. Missing you....so very much
Love J & K

Savannah, Nana, Jed and Pappaw

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

This picture was taken at my brother's right before we went into the hospital the last time.
Nana is not feeling well. She has some stuff going on so please keep her in your thoughts.
We had a meeting at work today. There are 100 people going out on May 3rd. They are voluntary lay off people. I am on that list but will have to remove my name tomorrow because I cannot leave work right now. I haven't been back long enough to collect unemployment. Even if I had I would have to stay...Savannah needs to have insurance. So I am just going to hang around until they don't want me! The way it looks I will not have a job next year at this time...I will most likely go out before December. They have 1611 people on the floor right now. I am number 1118 and they are going down to 700 within the next year. So that's what is happening at good old Harley Davidson. Great company....not. I understand that they have to streamline to stay profitable...I'm not that dumb BUT some of the decisions they are making really undermines the quality and the reputation of the brand. Harleys will basically be "assembled" in America...not manufactured. Many of our parts have come form other countries for some time but now we make just about nothing. Oh well. I cannot do anything about it so I will just go to work and not worry about it all.
All I could think about today was this little sucking noise that Jed made when he was sleeping. You know how little babies look like they are sucking when they are asleep?? and they make that sound? Well Jed NEVER stopped doing that. When I would come in to hang out with him while he fell asleep every night that was how I knew he was asleep...I would wait for that sound! The nurses would come in and hear him making that noise and just smile..it was so cute. I miss Jed so much. The missing him makes it hurt to breath sometimes. I want to scream and throw things and cry and just hide in bed...but I cannot do that. First off, I have to go to work, second it would freak everyone out, third, Savannah tries to take care of me but I don't want her to ever feel like she has to carry me..that is unfair....fourth, Danny is having a very difficult time and if I melt down it would not be good and lastly I do not want to do anything that could make Jed sad. I know he is here and around us and I don't want him to worry..... but it is very hard to just keep going. I miss my friend, my sweet boy, my comic relief, my debate opponent, the person that explained Meatwad to me and tried to help me understand what was happening on Chowder. There is nothing that I do not miss about my Jed.
I really miss that little baby sound he made when he was sleeping.
Goodnight baby Jed. Mommy loves you and is missing you so very much.
Love J & K

Baby Jed

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

My sweet funny friend....I miss you so very much. It is still impossible to comprehend that I have to live the rest of my life without you here. Everyday I come home with just a bit of hope that you will be waiting for me.
I am trying very hard to make you proud, to keep going...just like you always did..with a smile. It is very hard.... but I try, everyday....for you.
I love you baby boy.
Love J & k

Happy Birthday DJ!!!

This evening Savannah and I joined the Dietz clan at Chili's to celebrate DJ'S 12th birthday. DJ called and invited us to join them and he wanted to celebrate at Jed's favorite place. It was so sweet of him to invite us and we had a great time. Kim (Amy's friend)...well mine too now...she was there with hubby and 3 of her K's (all her girls have K names)! She is always so much fun. I sat between her and Amy....it was great. Really had a good time. I noticed that DJ did a total salute to Jed...spinach and artichoke dip, ribs and lava cake for dessert!
Thanks for having us guys and Happy Birthday DJ..we love you.
This morning I went with mom and dad to see Gram B. She is a hoot. Dad was giving her a hard time and she gave him the loser sign!!!!
I finished the rag rug I was making for the porch...it's pretty cool and I started one for the living room. What a great way to use up fabric and rags! oh I guess that's why they are called "rag rugs"...hhhmm.
I guess that's all for now.
Sweet Pea I know you were there with us tonight. I love you Jeddie. I miss you SOOO much. I try to keep going and try to keep it all together....but I am missing you every second. This sucks and it is hard but I am trying my best for you.
Love J & K




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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Jed and Lizzie

Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Happy Birthday Liz!
I love you Jed. I am trying SOOOO hard to just keep moving forward. I think of your beautiful smile and smart comments and your awesome ability to be positive in the face of incredible adversity. I want to honor that....but good god it's so very hard. I miss you baby boy. oh how I miss you.
Love J & k

another tub picture

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Look at that smile.
I love you baby boy. Oh my how I sooo love you.
Ok, newest Jed story. My lovely friend Alecia had a very funny Jed moment last evening. She is a member of a dating site and was sent a message from a guy who lives in Hershey. His screen name is Jed 72, (Alecia was born in 72). She text me last night to tell me this, I said "that's weird". She told me to just wait, she was sending me his picture. Everyone usually only uses the best pics of themselves on those sites. This guy, Jed72, ...well his picture was of him smoking a cigar....with quarters over his eyes like little glasses...yes, I said QUARTERS....how bizarre is that? I had to laugh, only Jed would come up with such an off the wall joke. When I woke up this morning it seemed even funnier! I told her that she could not date him it was just a joke from Jed!
That's my story for the day....a very good one!
Tomorrow Dan and I have our "date" day. Therapist appointments. He definitely needs to see Frank. I think he should go more often.
That's all for now.
I am trying to make a rag rug. Got some instructions from the internet. I am better if I am busy...but only busy doing things I like!!!
Good night Fluffy. I love you and miss you more and more everyday. I know I say that everyday but words are just so inadequate when I try to describe how deeply your absence is hurting me. Keep giving us all funny weird jokes and quarters ( nickles for your PSU friends).. I think that in itself is a chuckle!! and keep sending me songs when you know I need them.
love J & k

Jed.... Tub Boy he is almost 5 in this pic.

Jed172
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Jed floating in the big tub at the old house. Funny how for awhile it was hard to keep him out of the tub and then all of a sudden it was hard to get him anywhere near the shower! Dr. Neeley told him one time that he was writing a prescription for daily summer showers and every other day showers in the winter.....all that got was a giggle. I know there were times when a shower was just too exhausting but there were also times when he just didn't feel he needed to wash. Boys...

Savannah and Kyle are hiking at a park somewhere. She just called me to say that there is a forest fire and she had to call 911...so where was she when she called???? Standing very close to said forest fire yelling at kyle because he was just watching it and would not leave. Last I heard she finally got him to move....called him a few choice names and such. Leave it to those 2 to find a forest fire. Geeze.

Nothing new here..same old stuff. I stopped to visit the cemetery on my way to work and Jed's flowers were all wilted so I asked mom if she or dad could go water them for me.....now it is getting windy and I think it's going to storm. So I guess that was unnecessary...
We are just trying to hold it all together here. Everyday is a struggle. It is SO exhausting to "act normal" all the time...not that I actually can but I do try. I try very hard to be as positive as I can or at least fake it. I know Jed would want me to work hard at trying to make the best life I could possibly have.....it will never be what it was. I will always, forever be sad. I will always be missing a very large part of me. I will also never be the person I was before but I have to try to move forward, learn to live with my life the way it is now. I don't know if I can, I also know I won't want to all the time. I will have bad days and VERY bad days but I still have to try. It has only been 3 months. In some ways it feels like 100 years and in other ways I am almost positive he is in his room watching Family Guy. It all sucks, every little bit of it. I look at Peg and know she has been without her son for 22 years and her daughter for almost 20... I cannot even imagine. It is not something I am capable of understanding. I DON't WANT TO DO THIS....but I have too. shit....hate it.
I think it's going to storm pretty good soon. Hopefully it will put out the fire where ever Savannah and Kyle are....I think they might be in Maryland but am not sure....I know I should know, I'm sure she told me but I just can't remember. She should be calling soon with a fire update. Hopefully they are headed home.
Jeddie Spaghetti Mommy loves you. Not having you here to take care of and hang out with is horrible. When I went to the gym this morning I was on the treadmill watching Adult swim....meatwad was on. The neighbor guy on that show, Carl,...he is so gross. I know people think I'm crazy watching that weird cartoon at 4:30 am laughing while I try to breath and pretend I am working out. I can hear you in my head giggling the whole time. Love you, miss you, can't wait to see you and hug you.
Love J & K
I swear there is a bird that is whistling just like Jed would do when he stuck his head out of his window!!!

THON 2006

IMG_0254
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Yes that is Jed in there pretending the snake is eating his eye.
It is not possible to describe what life is like without this funny boy in our house. I miss you Jed, I wish I could find the words to explain to people just how much. It makes it almost painful to breath when I think of all the years I have to live without your funny face and your beautiful smile.
UGH....

Mom had her interview for a lunch lady spot at Jed's school. Fingers crossed!!!

The weather is beautiful Jeddie. Everyday when I come home I wait for you to stick your head out of your bedroom window and whistle. The need I have to see you and touch you is painful. It makes my heart hurt.
Love you sweet potato.
Love J & K

xmas @ A's 2005

xmas @ A's
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Wow another picture of Jed with his tongue out....what a shocker. I should make a whole slide show of these tongue pictures.
Not really much to write about. Danny took the day off today, he needed a "mental health day". I am worried about him. It is so easy to just sink into a depression. So very easy to fall into that hole. He sees Frank on Sat (his psychologist). Hopefully that will help. I am really no help at all. I have no patience and just not too much to offer right now.
Grace was here today, she made Savannah her favorite turkey meatloaf...yummy. She also did laundry and cleaned up. YAY. gonna have to start paying her and mom for taking care of us! Mom dropped off a roasted turkey...more yum. The insurance guy called and said he is almost finished with the claim....from when the ice took down the spouting and all the other stuff up there. Now I have to get some estimates and get it fixed before the birds move in.
I guess that's all for now. Sweet baby Jed..we are missing you....so very much. I want to see your cute little face and that funny little smile. Mommy misses you lovey...I am so sad without you here.
Love J & k

jed & fred Oct 2005

jed & fred
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

The First Formal....Jed is impressed....can you tell? Such a chuckle.
For some reason today all I could think about was rubbing "blue stuff" on Jed's back for weeks because his back was hurting all the time. It started in September so we thought maybe it was from his back pack...but he wasn't at school much so we thought maybe he was just stiff. Anyway, he was so skinny. I can close my eyes and feel his little bones in his back. He would always say "get my chicken wing, it's sore". I don't know why that was with me all day. I was mounting tires all day and the last 2 hrs I decided to listen to Jed's IPOD. I want to give it to Haley next door but I am not ready to part with it yet. Anyway I was listening and thinking of his chicken wing and getting upset when one of his favorite groups came on, All American Rejects, and the song was Move Along. the lyrics are " When all you got to keep is strong, move along, move along like I know ya do and even when your hope is gone move along move along just to make it through move along. When everything is wrong we move along (go on go on)...
I said "yes Jed I get the message...move along and leave the "chicken wing" behind. I know he has.
I walked over to the cemetery this evening. It was so nice out. I was sitting there talking to him and thinking to myself that I would stay until dark to watch his light come on and the light came on....while the sun was still out! I still stayed until dark.
Who put the red truck there? It's cool.
Another thing stuck in my head (but not just today) are some of our clinic people. Janiece, Maritsa and Denise...I think of everyone very often,,,,especially Jed's Holly but these 3 have been stuck in my head for a while now....what's going on up there people??!! Hopefully nothing or only good stuff. Hi to ALL of you.
I guess that's all for now.
I love you baby Jed.The missing you is so painful.....we spent so much time together....every moment...sleeping and awake...it is VERY hard to be without you.
Love J & K

Jed 2000

Jed158
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Chillin' with Mommo watching TV....oh and sporting a cool hat. Jed is an original ...definitely one of a kind. We missed him today. There is always this big empty hole. He was part of our day though, When Danny and I pulled up to Mom and Dad's house the Taylor Swift song I sang to him for 3 days came on....I know that was his way of saying he was there with us. We talked about him a lot too. The physical absence of him is heartbreaking to live with.
The weather was beautiful, the food was great. The Mac was hysterical. She talked Non-stop!
A was there, she looked great. Savannah and I took her home and walked her in.
Back to work tomorrow. I wish I could just stay home and get the garden set up. I need to get some dirt and some mushroom soil. I did put my seedlings out on the deck today, now I just have to make sure I remember to water them.
Digging in the dirt, in the sun felt pretty good today. Wish I could just keep doing that.
Good night baby Jed. I miss your sweet face and your funny comments and your smart mouth. Everyday is just as hard ..sometimes harder than the day before...I am exhausted trying to get through each day & learning to do it without you. I love you Jeddie Spaghetti.
Love J & k

I hope everyone had a nice holiday

Jed and I at Livi Mac's baby shower

baby shower 004
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

That baby is going to be 2 this month. I miss mine.
We had a nice time in Annapolis. The weather was great. A bit cold coming home today though. The sun didn't come out all the way until about 3pm. Our wonderful neighbors mulched our front and side flowerbeds...how very, very nice! I know how extremely busy they are. I am so grateful.
I dusted Jed's room and aired it out some today. He always had to have it organized. At least it's not dusty now.
Easter dinner tomorrow at Mom and Dad's. Fun with The Mac....sadness without Jeddie. Ugh...hate this.
Love J & K

3 months.............oh god

My Loves

Jed104
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Annapolis is great. Cool town. We took a 3 hour history of the town tour today....we were the only 2 people in the tour! It was very interesting. Jed would have hated it! We are going to a blues concert tonight then home tomorrow. It's nice here but I am ready to leave & anxious to return to my house. Thinking of Jed...a lot of course. Missing him....always. Tomorrow is the 3rd.....3 months...it makes me want to throw up. Ok, gotta stop or I will stay in the bed here or insist we go home right now.
Savannah, you would like it here, great day trip. Not NEARLY as cool as Savannah, Ga though,
Baby Jed, I have a physical need to hold your hand and rub your head and hear your voice. I know life is not meant to be fair.....but living without you is so extremely unfair. There are people everywhere here with sons of varying ages. I am so jealous. I wish I would come home tomorrow and you would be waiting...like the last 3 months were a bad dream. I just want to wake up from this nightmare and have you back next to me. I miss you sweet potato...beyond words.
SR...see you tomorrow..hugs.
Love J & K

The Jed Dance

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Jed always would do that disco pointy thing dance...extremely funny!!!!
So Danny and I are in Annapolis. Our hotel is nice, one of the newer ones. I wish we were a bit closer to the water but I got a great deal here. We walked down to the water and ate, watched the boats. Tomorrow will be busier. The town is very cool, lots of great shops. We went into a gallery and the had Pete The Cat.....I love Pete The Cat. We got 2 small prints and I got the Pete the cat book. I had to stop myself from buying Jed a t-shirt...I ALWAYS got Jed a shirt if I was somewhere without him, well even if he was with me he got a shirt! If DJ was there he got one too!! I like the town here, many government offices and such so many working people...but the buildings are these old cool ones. No big office buildings. Lots of Navy people running everywhere too.
The ride down was pretty short, barely an hour and a half. The weather is awesome.
Trying to just "be in the moment" and not think too far ahead.
I had brunch with Mom and Grace before we left. It was nice. Dan and Mom were talking about the porch and my flowers. I am not too sure if I am going to do the porch this year. The neighbor's mom gave me a card with a note saying the neighborhood would be happy if I did the porch..she also gave me a gift card for flowers....so nice. Anyway right after Dan and Mom talked about this we went to eat with Grace and the woman at the restaurant was saying she always loved to look at my porch in the summer and she didn't realize it was mine until recently. I know Jed set that little conversation up in order to let me know he wants me to do the porch. So..we will see. I think I will but no promises.
I love you baby Jed..miss you more and more every minute. Hugs to you lovey.
Hugs to you too Savannah Renee... :)
Love J & k