jed221
Originally uploaded by kbuckley69
Oh my such a chuckle. Pull ups on their heads...
Well I made it through today with no bodily harm. We'll see what happens tomorrow.
I am trying to hold on to my numbness. If it goes away I am not sure what will happen. I mean, I have moments everyday of course but I spend most of my day numb....I like it that way. I am not ready to give it up. If I actually have to feel this..all if it...I will not be able to function. Jed's last 5 days are playing a loop in my head all the time. More so this past week I guess. Not sure why. The reality of the decision I was forced to make seems to be hitting home. I know I am not the first nor will I be the last to have to choose. It is sickening. I know I had no choice really but to have to actually say "please stop treating him", "please just give him things to make him comfortable"...to be the one to have to make that choice is a pretty hard thing to live with. Everything about my life is different now. Who I was was completely wrapped up in my kids....especially Jed. I was the person taking care of Jed. i was the one giving him the meds to make him better...even as they made him sicker. I was the one that was his cheerleader, his nurse, his chef, his waiter, his biggest fan and he was my life. As horrible as it had gotten I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. It was the greatest gift I could ever imaging being given.I am pretty lost without him here. Finding a new me is really beyond what I am capable of doing right now. That is really just to much to try and figure out. So for now I hope to stay as numb as I can. At some point I hope to come to terms with my decision to stop Jed's treatment. I am fairly sure I would make the same one again...I think. I am still stuck on the fact that I NEVER thought I would lose Jed. I always knew his fight would be hard but I was SURE I would not lose him....well I did.
I know he is around me. For days now I have been seeing the number 222 everywhere. Since I really no longer believe in coincidences I figured it had to mean something. The other day the thought came to me that Jed wanted to let me know that he will be there to celebrate his baby, Livi-Mac, turning 2 on the 22nd. As soon as I had that thought I knew that was what he was telling me. Ok so call me crazy....don't care...it works for me. I have to believe he is still with me or I won't make it. for now I am just holding on.
I love you baby Jed. I am so sorry.
Love J & k
3 comments:
Dear K.
Your choice for Jed was the right one and who better to make it than u. For Nee it was the doctors who said that it was over. We also did not have a choice though. The numbness is nice and that will last awhile then some peace will set in because u will know that all is right and well. U will find this peace within your heart. Yes Jed will keep giving u sign, I guarantee it.... I still keep looking for them because I know they are still around..still loving me they way they did..and I them..tears...love u plh --- ps.. see u saturday and can't wait
Really, your choice was to stop prolonging his suffering and to let him go. Incredibly hard, but you have to accept it. It was the right one. I know you thought you'd never lose him. He is still with you. And he wants you to be at peace.
Love you.
There comes a time in our lives where we have to decide what is best for our kids. You did what was best, he is uncomfortable and tired. You were only thinking of him when you made your decision. Dont be sorry for helping him
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