Jed and Livi-Mac

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Originally uploaded by kbuckley69

Tomorrow Is The Mac's birthday party. Jed would be so excited. This will be very hard..crap.
I know he will be there with us. I will watch as she opens her gifts, Jed will be right there helping her...he loves to help others open their gifts!
It will be a nice day.....but it will suck for me.
Our friend Iysis had her transplant today and I heard it went well. Fingers crossed and many prayers for continued success in her road to being a healthy normal teenage girl.
I started the process of getting the porch summer ready. I took everything off and scrubbed the whole porch,windows,door, etc with soapy water. I repainted my favorite chair and stool. I have to scrape and paint the table and one day next week I am hoping Savannah and Kyle will bring down my iron crib. I have to spray it with a clear coat to protect it then we can pile it with pillows. I am still on the fence about the flowers. I want to do it but I'm just not sure if I want to put out the energy it will take to do it!
My voucher was approved for my American Government class that starts May 10th. I think I am ready, the only way I will know is to go I guess. I will send out the registration tomorrow.
I am missing Jed....I can't think about it too much and the last few days his pictures have been painful to look at. I look at them and I can't breathe. It hurts so much when I let myself really think about the fact that he is not here next to me. Everything I was, everything I did, everything about every moment of every day and night was about Jed, with Jed for Jed. He and I talked ALL the time about all kinds of stuff. We were ALWAYS together. NOTHING about my life is the same. Someone told me I have to find a "new normal"....really I have to find a whole new life. I think only another parent that has or had a very ill child can understand exactly how intense and deep my relationship is with Jed. I can't even put words to it. I know I have talked about this so much it's nauseating but everyday I think of something else that is gone. I had a routine for almost 8 yrs. Jed and I and the same group of people just about every Tuesday. I am missing all of them. I miss the quite time when I would be sitting in Jed's room reading while he was sleeping or when I would go in and fall asleep with him. The times when I would wake up and he would be in my bed after Danny went to work. All those long nights in the hospital...just Jed and I...talking..just being together. The past 3 years were so beyond intense for he and I. Even though they were hell they were the best years of my life...the best and most beautiful I will ever have. I am so grateful for them....so, so very thankful for them.
Love J & K