Last year, when I turned 40, I wrote 30 on the calendar. When I woke up the morning of my birthday this is what Jed had done to my calender! I miss my son.
We said good bye to Roger today at work. Today was his last day. I will miss Rog. He is just a nice, easy going, caring guy. Everyone was nice about my birthday..not everyone knew anyway...thank goodness!
Savannah and I went out for Mexican food tonight. It was yummy. She gave me a teddy bear that the lovely Michelle Bailey made out of Jed's fave Penn State fleece Pjs...it is beyond awesome. She also gave me a box of note cards , chocolate AND an actual CD recording of HER SINGING!!!!!! Finally....after years of begging! I Love it!
Tomorrow, for my birthday, I have an appointment with my psychologist, that is more than enough for me. Danny has an appointment too. Hope it helps him a bit. Waiting for him to get himself together. I feel bad but I cannot do this for him, he has to turn this corner on his own. It's very hard and I know everyone has to do it in their own time and in their own way.
Everyday when I get up I think of how Jed smiled no matter what...everyday. I try to honor that. It is a decision I make every morning and struggle with all day everyday. I have to tell myself that just because I get up and go to work and try to act normal does not mean I don't miss him or that I don't love him enough. I think if you saw Jed and I together even one time in his life you realized how deep my devotion and love is for my child. So I should not feel the need to prove it to others...and I don't. Someone told me...the proof of my love was evident to all. I only want to make him proud & keep him from worrying about me. I also don't want Savannah to feel she has to take care of me. I am the mom...and no matter if my child is here with me or in heaven I still have to keep doing what I feel is best for them.
The end of April, beginning of May sucks. Livi's party was last week, Jed would have LOVED it, my birthday is tomorrow, Sunday we are going to help celebrate Lucas' 1st birthday (Jackson's baby brother) another baby Jed LOVES, Tuesday is Savannah's birthday ....and her brother should be there and then there comes mother's day. I have an appointment that day with a medium. Maybe Jed will have a message for me on mother's day. It is also my parents anniversary. Then, in the middle of this, hearing that Jimmy (a Red Lion boy) is sick again and work adding mandatory overtime....I cannot wait for June. I guess it doesn't sound like a big deal but doing little everyday things without Jed is torture....doing these yearly things without Jed is ....Hell. Mother's day for god's sake.....the big F word there. Well except I love my mommy!
I want to get the dirt for my veggie beds this weekend. Right now I am still making a rug..takes forever.
Love J & K