Danny, Savannah, Kyle and I walked the 2 short blocks to where Jed's ashes are buried next to his great grandma [I was asked to remove what I wrote about Jed's Great Grandma..NOTHING I wrote was a LIE or an exaggeration. It was meant with Love. Not disrespect. The things I wrote about she and I talked about. . I do not ask anyone to read this... this is MINE I write here FOR ME..there are no lies and nothing is written as malicious. I am sorry for the people that were offended..not my intention. I should not have used her name without the permission of her family. Won't happen again. I did not mean to upset anyone.]
Dad had already been over there earlier today to clean up the flowers and such. Savannah and I took a new flower each and got rid of some more old flowers. We put a blue and white bow from a basket of flowers on the temporary marker. Tomorrow we go to order his stone marker. It is all fairly easy until you actually come out of the fog and the reality of the situation falls on you. Then it is again....just too much to bear. I know I have said this over and over and I'm sorry but I will say it much more....I do not know how I am supposed to just go on, go back to the daily grind of work, and trying to pay the bills. I know I will have no choice at some point but the thought of just starting up all that again seems so very pointless. Ok, so I know the point, mortgage, car, food, on and on. I love our house...but it is a house with a very heavy heart. A house that has lost it's most vital member. The house itself feels heavy and seems darker. Everything that has happened in and around this house since we moved in has been about Jed, for Jed...all Jed. He used to lift up his window and screen and stick his head out to talk to me while I was watering the flowers or while Danny was washing his bike. He would whistle at us to get our attention!. He would then amble downstairs and come outside just to see what was up. He did not like to miss a thing. He would tell me where he thought certain things should be planted and he would say "mom, our flowers look great, you do a great job". He would hang out on the antique crib I had on the porch and give everyone advice and direction on whatever they were doing, he should have charged for his "advice". He would also go out and sit on the front step and listen to his ipod until Haley next door came out, they would share the ear buds. I am so sorry that I only have 1 picture of this. I had to sneak to get it. I took it through the front door. Jed also loved Haley's little brother. He is only 2 I think. Jed would make sure he didn't go to far or eat too much dirt. He was such a "mother". So now am I supposed to do the porch and the flowers again this spring like we always did? Jed went with me every year, even when he didn't feel so great, to get all the flowers for out front. It took hours and trips to a few different places. Matching and blending the pinks of the flowers was essential. I don't think I can do that without him. I don't even want to. Just one of the many, many, many things that will change. I will never be the same person I was and our house will never be what it was. So again I come back to the original question, I am supposed to just go back to the daily grind? I really have not done that since Jan of 07. I always said I would never mind going back to work because that meant Jed was doing well. I never thought I would have to go back..because I had no reason to not work, because there was no one here to take care of. Going back because Jed was starting his own life as a teenager was hard but exciting....this, this is just....worse than I ever could have imagined.
Watching the complete devastation in Haiti, texted and donated my share....Danny did more. Seeing those mothers holding those babies made me sick to my stomach. Jed would have been in our bed watching all the news reports and making Danny dig out a credit card. He always found the place to donate that got you the most bang for your buck! You know like a "donate now and we will match it" kinda thing. I miss my kid.....more and more and more...every second. It just keeps getting worse.
Love J & K