So I did my Tuesday drive to a doctor's office and wait for hours thing. You know, my usual. They asked me if I wanted to come back to the recovery room when Danny was waking up from his colonosopy.....um..no..but thanks. A friend of mine told me last night that the recovery room in those places sounds like a fart symphony...not my words.. but after that description I decided to just wait until I had to drive around to pick him up. I am used to nutty kids of all ages in various stages of hair growth. This place was geriatric central. Fun Fun..Next Tuesday Danny has an outpatient hernia operation...whoohoo
I have been trying very hard to keep it all together. Today, from the moment I woke up I was having a hard time. Today was just HARD. Things seemed to have calmed down this eve when I came home and got in bed...at 5:30... and started talking to FB people. I don't care how lame that sounds. I have a network of friends on FB that have been and continue to be a big source of support. Many are Cancer kid moms and are in all stages of treatment and off treatment. Many are friends from "back in the day" and many are new friends. They have ALL been very supportive. I talked to my cousin in CA for sometime, my childhood friend in MD and my union steward! Yup a very eclectic group. Soooo, I am a bit better but only as long as I don't think. As soon as I think or as soon as reality leaks through the dams I have built my heart hurts. It is a physical pain. The kind that takes your breath away. When I imagine living the rest of my life with this I know I cannot do it. It is hard to describe how seeing a picture of Jed's beautiful, always smiling face makes me smile while a knife is stabbing me in the heart. I know, so very melodramatic but hey....it is. I NEED to see him and hear his voice and feel his hands. This is not a want, this is a very real and desperate need.
When I was trying to have another child after Savannah I remember having these worries, like boarder line panic attacks, about having a healthy child. For some reason I was almost positive that because I already had one healthy, perfect child I could not have two. When Jed was finally born and he was healthy and perfect I thought, "see Kristin, you are just nuts". It never occurred to me that he could get sick later. I thought I had really beaten what seemed like a certain outcome of having a sick baby. I am not sure what that has to do with anything but it was on my mind.
I heard the music from The Biggest Loser and had to turn the channel quickly. Jed and I watched just about every episode together. We were looking forward to the start of the new season. We liked to eat and watch the show...
Despair, that is a word I don't think I have ever used. It is the only word that comes close to how I feel. It to though, is terribly inadequate. When I go over in my mind the things I could maybe do or the places I maybe could go they sound good. Until I remember Jed will not be there with me, smiling, making smart comments and brightening all that comes close to him. Suddenly every option seems pointless and empty.
There are things happening here that are wonderful. I came home from my fun today to a clean house..thanks mom and even way better..... Savannah is dancing in THON...as a freshman it is a huge deal. We are very proud. I am proud and amazed at her strength. There are crazy big, incredible things in store for her. Savannah's future is wide open and exciting.
I guess I will sign off on that note...no use depressing everyone even more than I already have!
Love
J & K