I stayed in bed today. I did stuff but from right here. I did take a shower...big event. I did my taxes and Savannah's. God knows what is right or wrong..but they are finished...well except for the local ones...I just cannot figure them out.
All day I felt ..well, I just felt like I couldn't cry and I was worried....I know I still miss him...even more than before. Why do I feel so calm? Maybe not calm..just flat. Of course that doesn't last long. The pain of not seeing my Jed or hearing his voice is horrible. It has been 30 days since he said "I love you mama". How am I still walking around and doing taxes and stuff...functioning in anyway? Surely when you hurt this much you can't just keep going. Half of me is no longer here. It makes me want to throw up thinking about the fact that he really is gone. I had someone say to me the other day "it's good to see you out and moving on" WHAT? WTF do people think? It is only getting worse not better...when people say stupid things I just stare at them. I don't want to be mean...but I don't even know what to say. I have only had a few of these but they are all dumb. Oh my favorite "well you should get back to work and get back on your feet" (Beck, I am not talking about you) anyway, I wanted to ask this person,"why is it I should be getting back to work and on my feet?" "Why do you want me to do this?" I think the more normal I seem and act the easier it is on others...at least the casual acquaintances. But, whatever. Maybe one day I will write a list of things NOT to say to a parent that has lost their child. I just have to remember there are many more nice people than there are dumb ones.
Danny made me chocolate chip cookies this evening. The roll ones, the ones that Jed and I used to eat all the dough and only have like 5 cookies to bake. We had a whole plate of baked ones this time.
I just want my kid. This is very uncool and getting worse everyday. Why do we have to do this? I don't want to. I want my kid.
Love J & K
8 comments:
i can't tell you how many people i've given the "don't tell me he's in a better place" lecture too. i get all red in the face and repeat your words of "the best place he could be is right here with his momma."
i'm positive 99% of those people will never say that phrase again.
People want you to "move on" because it is easier for them. It is easier to think you have "moved on" rather than know that you are in pain, and do not know how you will be able to get through the next minute, let alone the rest of your life without Jed.
There is no right or wrong way to handle being without Jed. Your feelings are yours and yours alone. Do not apologize.
I know you will never be the same. But I don't want to see you wallow. And Jed wouldn't want that shit. I guess I just think that the sooner you start finding the new 'normal' the sooner you will start finding some peace, and letting yourself fall into a routine, any routine, will be the start of finding that new normal. Going back to work might help.
I'm not saying it's easy. But neither is this. This sucks. What can possibly be worse?
Even though I only know a small inkling of your pain, I remember when My son said" Momma, I'm only here for you." When I heard he had that ugly "C" word, I thought my life was over. Especially when he beat that ugly disease and then they tell me I got that crap. You are a beautiful woman that gives me inspiration. Thank you!
It has only been 30days!!!!!!!!!! Let yourself grieve!
Stay home, quit, work, move to the beach, omg become a foster parent, get another dog or just stay in bed! You will know when you are ready and you will be!
ps. people do not know what to say but is usually the wrong thing.
I want you to know Kido our hearts are broken with the loss of our little Big Man and the pain it is causing you.I worry about you everyday,but know this,what ever you decide,what ever you need Hop and Momo are here. Lv U U U
I want you to know Kido our hearts are broken with the loss of our little Big Man and the pain it is causing you.I worry about you everyday,but know this,what ever you decide,what ever you need Hop and Momo are here. Lv U U U
Have you given some thought to writing a book about Jed's life and how strong and courageous he was and how he touched so many lives? You have a gift for writing. Your writing is clear, concise, painful, moving and inspirational all wrapped up in one. It may help you with your grieving and it could be an inspiration to others who find themselves walking down the same sucky path you have already walked.
praying for strength and wisdom to come your way.
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