Last night we had dinner delivered by the lovely AP. The night before we had dinner from Maggie next door and tonight we had dinner delivered by dad..gumbo that mom made. I am going to weigh 400 lbs soon. Now we have left overs for a few days.
No lovely stories to tell today. No stories at all really. I spend all day thinking Jed is in his room. I am constantly waiting for him to yell out something. Last night we were watching the football game and he really likes Manning. I kept waiting to hear him yell or whoohoo. This evening when Savannah came in from work I waited for the heellloooo he always did. There are no random giggles and laughs coming from his room..he always did that while watching tv. As each day goes by the enormity of his absence becomes more clear. Did I word that right? I think that makes since. I can't put into words what it's like to not have Jed. The are really no words to describe how, well, just how much it sucks. NOTHING is not touched by Jed's absence. EVERYTHING is altered, EVERYTHING has to be reconfigured and NOTHING will ever be right. I wander around looking at all the things that I should be doing and not doing anything. It all just seems so hard and so exhausting and really kinda pointless. I look around and everyone that is close to me is struggling too. We all hurt but I also feel like I am apart from everyone. I am really very different now. I feel very different. I can't describe it...maybe at some point. But not now. All I know is that I am fundamentally different. The thought of going back to a "regular" life is overwhelming..way beyond anything that I want to do. Anyway, whatever, we will figure it out I guess. Meanwhile I am just going to pretend Jed is sleeping in the next room.
Love J & K
In all my self- involvement I forgot I wanted to say please send love and good vibes to our friend Thomas in Texas..hopefully good vibes will help him over some of these post-transplant hurdles. Also to a lovely friend from clinic who I heard is back in the fight.