So we worked on arrangements today. Really completely unreal. I also saw my Jeddie for the last time today. The thought that I will never see his happy shiny face again is more than I can bear. I stared at him for the longest time, waiting for him to do that thing where he tries not to smile when he is pretending to sleep...he just cannot NOT smile! I waited, waited for an eye wiggle, a little lip twitch...anything. But, there was nothing. Just his sweet face. Am I really expected to just keep going? Am I supposed to just go back to ..well exactly what am I supposed to "go back to? All I want to do is hang out with Jed. I want to do the stuff that Jed and I do. Will things always be this weird? Savannah and I got our hair cut today. When we were leaving Danny called to remind us to meet at the funeral home. I had to stop myself from asking who Jed was staying with while we all went to this meeting. Tonight Savannah was talking about where the family sits during the service, I said "just make sure Jed is on the aisle so I can get him out quickly if he doesn't feel well". Yeah, so anyway that is about where my head is. None of this is real. I have no desire to live in the "real" anymore. What is the point?
The service is Saturday at 1pm. When we have everything finalized I will post all info. Have I mentioned how WRONG this is? Just so , so wrong. Where is my son? Why is he not here, with me, hanging in his room, playing Wii in the living room, riding to the game store, headed to the Pride for his fried shrimp basket, getting ready to go back to school, why can he not be here? What was the point of making him suffer and fight so hard to just die anyway? There is no way you can give me an explanation that would make sense. I cannot think any further ahead than the service...after that everything looks gray, nothing but nothingness. I think about how truly devastating this is and how thoroughly I am crushed, I start to cry and then I realize that crying is a pathetically insufficient way to express how i feel. My despair and pain is so deep there is no way to physically express it correctly. I hurt for all the other people that are loving and missing Jed but honestly no matter how much I love these people and how much I worry about their suffering I feel empty and just uncaring. I want to be angry but Jed didn't do angry so that just falls flat, like I said I start to cry but it is so insufficient, I want to scream and wail but that takes more energy than I have. Mostly I just feel empty, dreary, pointless, lost and confused. Really how can he be gone,,,,honestly, have you seen his smile? have you heard him chatter for hours? have you heard his smart comments? Have you heard him express concern for another sick child? If you have experienced any of these things then you have to know, like I do, that there is no way he can be gone. It is just not possible and who ever decided it was ok for him to really be gone was a dumb ass or just plain mean. I want nothing, I just want my son back
on the other side of all of this I have to say that Savannah is amazing. I am floored by her abilities.
i need coffee..no really i just need my baby Jed
Love J & K