Just thinking about how Jed used to sit with his legs crossed....exactly like my grandfather. Jed was named after him..but he never knew him. Jed is the only person, besides Granddad, that sat that way. Just a weird thing in my head.
I went out and ran errands with mom and Savannah. We stopped to see Gram for a bit too. We had to go get her "special hairspray". I drank the last cherry coke out of her fridge....she kept them there for Jed.
I took some flowers over to....how do I word it? I could say "to Jed" but Jed is not there, just his ashes. I guess it would be easiest to say "cemetery"....hate that word, sounds creepy so does "grave". SO anyway...I took some flowers over there today. It's only a little walk from the house. I still am having trouble comprehending that he is really gone. I just don't understand. Jed was to be the patient that kicked cancer's ass. He was already a rock star..in clinic and up on the 7th floor but he was supposed to be the proof that it can be done. I have this mental image of us coming into clinic for yearly blood work. He is tall, very tall, with thick blond wavy hair and still has his same bright beautiful smile but now with braces. He is strong and healthy, but still the same sweet boy. He jingles his keys in the hallway and his favorite nurse, Holly, stares at him and then realizes it is Jed and HE drove ME there! Everyone comes to see him and we are all so happy. I have had that vision for a long time..it was so vivid and evolving over the years that I was positive it had to be true. Little did I know...
I was thinking today, that our friend Forrest does not know. We saw Forrest in clinic about once a month. Big teenager that tried as hard as he could to be as"red-necky" as possible. His caring, sweetness always came out with Jed though. When we were waiting for the bone marrow test result on Nov 11th Forrest talked to Jed. Jed had started to cry because he knew what the results were going to be. In his funny, awkward, teenage boy, Forrest, kinda way he got Jed settled down. It was a very sweet moment that is burned in my mind. I should try to make sure he knows what that few minutes meant, to Jed and to me. Forrest and his mom are such nice people.
Today we got a letter from Jed's teacher's parents. It was a beautiful and extremely appreciated note. I was excited that he had this teacher this year. I thought Mr. Phillips would be the perfect teacher to get Jed ready for Jr. High. I also always like Jed to be around smart, nice men....the overly tough guys irritate me. I have to admit, the first time I met Ben, I thought he was about 17 years old and I was afraid he would not be as understanding or as patient as Jed would need. Turns out he was perfect. Now I know why, the letter I received from his parents shows me how he was raised. Jed has added so many wonderful people to my life..and he is continuing to do so.
It funny how I think I have nothing to say and it turns into a book!
So today was just a day...another hollow, heavy day...that's how I feel, hollow but heavy. Weird. I did go to the grocery store...with mom and Savannah so it wasn't too bad. It was very crowded though...I wanted to hide under my hood. But I didn't..onward I went...reluctantly...but for right now at least I went.
Love J & K