A little boy I have been reading about for at least a year died last night. He and his family live in Australia. He was 5. Why? What is the point? I do not understand what is gained by these children suffering and fighting only to die anyway. What a freaking mess. I am tired, tired of cancer, chemo, pain and death.
I spent a few hours this evening at the house of some very close friends...family really. Trying to get their youngest child into rehab. What a mess. I love this family and am so sick for them. Tough love is incredibly hard but it really is the only thing to do at this point. Just another freaking mess. I left before they actually got on the road so I am not really sure what is going on.
Why can I only cry for about 30 seconds at a time? I feel like I could just cry and cry and cry but as soon as I actually start to cry..I stop. Weird. It does take a lot of energy, maybe that's the problem...not a lot of extra energy here!
Tomorrow I get to take Danny to have a colonoscopy....whoohoo. My life rocks...ok I guess to put a good spin on this I have to think at least it's not me having the colonoscopy!
It was very odd to be away from the house without Jed. It was even odder to know I didn't really have to go home at any certain time. I didn't have to call home to check and I didn't get any texts asking me to come home. I hated it. I want to come home and take care of Jed. I want to have to go into his room to lay with him so he will go to sleep. I want to have to go downstairs at 3am because he wants morphine and a cup of dried Frosted Flakes. I want I want I want.....but it doesn't matter at all what I want because I cannot have it.
I went to lunch today with mom, Savannah and Grace. After lunch we just ran some errands. It was good for awhile but all of a sudden all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. I checked my phone a million times but of course no one needs me at home and I have no real reason to hurry back.
I stop typing sometimes for 10 to 15 minutes at a time. I find myself just staring at nothing. It's hard to drag myself back from where ever my minds seems to go. I am not actually thinking of anything during these lapses..I am just staring at nothing. Weird.
I want my son back with me. I do NOT want to "find a new normal", I do NOT want to "move on". I do NOT even want to try to "draw strength from the good memories". I. just. want. my. son. I need to hear him talk to me, I need to see his little smiley face. I need to feel him when he climbs into our bed because it is "softer". Yesterday was 1 week since he was with me. I have never, in 12 years, gone this long without being with him. I cannot imagine EVER being happy again. I just do not see how that is possible.
You all are going to get tired of reading the doom and gloom but really....that's all there is in me. I guess I'll go now. Gotta be fresh to be the colonoscopy delivery driver...hey it's Tuesday and I am driving to a doctor. Weird.
Love J & K