So another Tuesday....another Dr. office wait for me. Danny had his hernia surgery today. He did ok. He is snoring, in bed, in sweatpants (funny) with ice on his boo boo. I sat in the waiting room for a few hours and read a very interesting book. We are Eternal by Robert Brown. The book has some very good parts, things that make sense. I hope one day I work through my pain in missing Jed enough to get comfort from some of these ideas Mr. Brown has. He says that children who leave the "earth plain" are old souls. They are sent to specific people for specific reasons, to teach and learn specific lessons. When they are finished teaching and learning here, they leave their body behind. I have to agree with this. Jed taught so many so much. The Author also talks about how the light and lessons of these children are far reaching...a stone in a still pond. Jed is around us, helping and healing and guiding..according to Mr. Brown. I believe this also but...it does nothing really, to ease the loneliness, devastation and emptiness I am living with. It's so weird, I can sit here and read the book, and even apply the ideas to my life. I can do this almost like nothing is wrong until all of a sudden I get this kick in the chest and my stomach hits the floor. This happens as reality returns, I am forced to face the fact that I am not going to watch Family Guy with Jed, I am not going to see his funny smile as he pretends to be asleep while I am trying to wake him. I am not going to take him and DJ on a summer road trip...anywhere. I am not going to have days of anxiety as he goes off to Jr. High and starts a real teenage life. I will not teach him to drive, I will not help him decide on a college and I will not get to take him to clinic for a yearly blood test and have no one recognize him. I am so sad that I get none of that. My days of raising my child are over. All those things I was looking forward to will never happen. Those are some very hard things to have taken away. He was what I did and who I am. He really, really was my life. I do realize that everything I am writing is about me....me and I over and over. I am not the only one suffering. Everyone that knew Jed is also. Danny is really struggling. Trying to be strong for me while he has lost a very large part of himself. Savannah is missing Jed a lot. She is trying to focus that into her involvement with THON. My parents....Gracie and Jim.........the list really just goes on and on. I hate to admit this but.....it is difficult to see beyond my own pain and recognize other's right now. I am trying though.
This is a long post and I could go on and on.........poor you!
Love J & K