We made it through another day. I had lunch with dad again. We are all struggling and grieving in different ways. Everything I have read so far has said that everyone grieves in their own way..I can see that. We have to let each other grieve the way it feels right for us and for however long. There are no rules and no handbook. It would be easier if there was a specific way to do it that is proven to work the best. You know, a protocol..those I know how to follow. We don't have any wailers in our family though.(surprise) ..well at least any that do it where they can be heard. I wish I could do that....just scream and wail and cry & kick stuff...but I can't. Besides it might effect Jed and what he is doing. I don't want him to be sad or scared or worried about me. I keep reminding myself that he is not in pain and we had him for as long as we were meant to. He touched more people in 12 years than most of us will in our lifetimes. He continues to touch people and teach us lessons. We are very lucky to have him and I am the luckiest of all. The unbelievability of it sometimes hits me like a truck. I miss him..well that is about the biggest understatement ever. It's such a hard thing to put into perspective. I can't say I wish he was here..he was in way too much pain and it was getting so much worse. I can't say I wish he had beat it and made it all the way through treatment because I know all the post treatment problems that he could have suffered from. His eye site would have been poor or worse ...it's hard to talk about that knowing how horrible it would have been for the video game, tv kid. The extensive and very long treatment could have had an effect on his learning ability and we know how he hates to get something wrong. So every time I wish for a different outcome I realize that it just was not possible. Of course I would have loved for him to live a beautiful, cancer free life but then he would have been a different person and who would trade Jed for another? Definitely not me. I can't even wish to go back a few months and start over....going through that once was more than anyone should have to do. What I can do is wish, hope and help work toward a cure...or at the VERY least better treatment. The treatment is something I would not wish on the worst of the worst...(well.. I have but I wouldn't now). It is so barbaric. I remember having a conversation many times with different parents about the choices we are asked to make. We are told, "your child has cancer, if not treated they will die. This is the treatment, it could kill your kid". Once there is a relapse it is SO much worse. I get nauseous just thinking about it all.
Four weeks ago today I was told that the cancer was back again and I knew right at that moment we were finished battling this monster. I knew I had to let Jed go. I wanted to stand in that hallway, the hallway I had cried in, laughed in, eaten in, escaped to and run down many times, I wanted to scream. I still want to scream. I wanted to tell them..no, this is Jed we are talking about. You all know better than to think this happens to Jed. But here we are. And now we have to find a way to reconstruct our family and our lives around the huge hole left by Jed's absence. Most of the time I don't even want to. I wish one of my options was to stay in bed..forever. Unfortunately that is not an option. Savannah's future is bright and big..I want to see that. I also want Jed to be proud of me and I want to use the lessons he has taught us. But right now...getting out of bed takes all I have.
I love you Jeddie spaghetti.... and he says "I love you too mommy salami"..with a giggle.
Love J & K