I keep thinking that ok, now my son is officially gone. I have to change my thought process on that. He will always be with me, just as my brother said at the service. This morning the ...internment...went very well. Dad had 2 bagpipers there ( a tradition for all male members in our family). It was just family. A couple of people spoke and I tried. I said basically what I wrote yesterday. Jed was here to teach us lessons and we have to honor him by learning from the lessons he taught us. That is very much how I feel and it was easy to do this morning. My brother and Tiersa had everyone back to their house afterward. We ate and had a bushwacker...or 3. This evening though seems to be a different story. I woke up from a nap and wanted pizza but it turned into this HUGE issue, I wanted Dominos. Then the thought of ordering Dominos made me want to throw up. Jed was the reason for calling Dominos. He loved it when I ordered online and he could watch the progress of his pizza! So then we decided on another place, then I couldn't decide..oh it was a mess. Savannah ended up calling a different place, I ate it but it was not near as good as Dominos! Yes I know, I love the Wal-mart of pizza places! I have a pizza and coca cola addiction thanks to my son! It will take me awhile to fix that. Danny just got back from the store..he got me coke. It just seems that of a sudden I fell apart, I was just a mess, sobbing about pizza delivery..omg. If this is a shadow of what's to come...I am in trouble. I guess we will find out. One minute I believe I can control this and be in charge of how I deal with missing my baby but then.....the pizza delivery issue demolishes all my hard work! I remember the pain and agony of missing my best friend and how it is almost 20 yrs later and I still cannot mention her name without crying or feeling the horrible pain of her absence. This is my son, I am afraid of this pain..the agony is so incredible that I cannot imagine living through this. I know many people do but I just do not see how. Guess I will find out.... whether I want to or not.
I know I never really say anything about Jed's dad. I don't even know if he reads this and I do not want to know. He did not come to the internment today. He never called to say he was not coming...no communication..at all. Savannah called him at 5 to 10..no answer and no return call. I am not going to go into details of the saga that has played out since the kids and I moved out. There have been some not so pleasant times. I am not perfect and will take the blame for being the catalyst of all this and for not always handling the situations with grace and dignity but I will not take responsibility for his actions. It has been 10 years and things should have been different between him and the kids. There was some issue with a burial plot the other day, he was angry with his parents and confronted them on the phone. I called him and his explanation was that he wanted to make sure no one was pushing me into things I was not happy with. I assured him that EVERY decision was mine and mine alone. I know there was more to the burial plot thing then I could figure out but that was no reason to not come to the internment of your oldest son. Jed loved his dad. Jed loved his little brother and sister. He did not spend much time with them for a few reasons, one of which was Jed not feeling well. So anyway, really what all that was saying was that he did not come this morning. I know that the service yesterday had very little, if anything to do with them. I sort of feel bad about that...I don't know why, but I do. The reason for that though is the lack of involvement they had in Jed's life. I don't know if he is angry about the service yesterday or trying to make a point about the burial plot. I don't understand. There are so many things to say on this subject and so many layers but what I try I remember is that Jed would want no anger...on either side. I realized the other day that I really have no reason to ever see them again. I have always invited them to every party for Jed and made sure Jed and Savannah had birthday gifts for the kids and cards for Father's day. Savannah is 18 and her father doesn't speak to her much and Jed is no longer here. That WHOLE chapter of my life is over. I would gladly return to all that if it meant I could have Jed here, but it doesn't work that way so, that's that. Their father missed so much, he was the big loser in this whole thing and he doesn't even realize it. Jed was such a beautiful gift and he missed most of it, again...his loss.
I feel a little better now, the pizza issue has settled and I am calmer..with no medication, just writing.
I am very anxious as to how all this is going to play out, especially over the next few months. I know I should probably go back to work the first of February. I really do not want to. I can stay home until March 11th. I just have no clue what to do. I have things to talk about concerning our future, but I have no idea what the decisions will be. I just can't imagine staying here, doing the same old thing..forever. I will die..but my family is here and ...oh god who knows. A shop on the beach somewhere warm would be the stuff. Jed and I used to talk about having a shack on the beach with a big deck area to grill stuff and sell big yummy sandwiches. With a great bar and awesome drinks...right in the sand. The problem with that is not only money but who the hell is going to cook now?! I just cannot keep doing the same old thing I have been doing. Right now is not the best time to be making any decisions ...especially since I cannot even have pizza delivered without a meltdown. oh my ..this SOOOOO SUCKS
I have been having really bad dreams. Dreams about Jed being sick and I am frantic because I cannot help him but I am right there...or I am just not doing the right thing or enough of whatever he needs.
I wish I could do everything over again....I really really want to. Now I know..there are so many things I should have done better or differently. Shit. yes this really sucks...
I want dreams of my son that are comforting not reminding me of what I should have done. maybe soon...right?
Love J & K
9 comments:
Yes, you will get them. And soon.
Write away. You write beautifully. If it makes you feel better, then it's even more beautiful.
up until now i used this venue to monitor jed's illness from a safe distance. then two weeks ago it became up close and very personal. what i witnessed on a daily basis was a devotion so deep it is almost impossible to describe.. every thought, every emotion every fiber of your being was directed toward your son. the love that was always a constant in Jed's life became a living force a love that surrounded him. a love beyond all reason. we were all privileged to have shared this with you and your son knew this love with his last breath. we were in awe. so now we once again ask you to stand up and be strong. ok cry, hell scream if you want, but know this in your darkest moment of despair you WILL see the light that was our Jeddie and he will bring you peace and comfort. We love YOU beyond all reason. Mommo
Kristin, Jed would SO love to see your shack come to fruition!
Kristen, Second quessing your self is most unfair to you. I firmly believe your decisions and devotion to Jed added years to his life. Good dreams are coming, "Bet your bottom dollar". Jim
I will cook for you.
It breaks my heart to hear you second guess yourself. Your educated and heart felt decisions and Jed's strength are what kept him here for 8 years. I would put my life and my childrens lives in your hands anytime without question! As for the other stuff, you can not control what other people do, some day he will realize all that he has missed and he alone will have to bare the pain of all his mistakes.... It's ok to cry and it's okay to break down, there are no rules.... your strength and devotion all these years has been something to marvel at but you are human and you lost your baby .. so yell scream cry and when your done you will pick yourself up and wipe your eyes and continue doing what you do... you will live a life that your son would be proud of because you would never want to let him down because you NEVER HAVE.... No need to make any life decisions now, you will know the right time and what to do because you always have..... Hugs Love and anything you need Casey Oh and I will cook too, I have come a long way since the cookie incident of the 1980's.......
Kristen,
Don't second guess yourself you did the very best you could and it was the BEST!!!! You were there for him every step of the way. Their are some very ignorant people in this world that think they are right, but they are wrong and they are going to have their day when they realize they should have done things different, but that is their problem not us that have done everything we can.
Kristin,
After over a week of reading your blog I have decided to comment. I first learned of Jed when my son (PSU/Acacia)told of the party he was attending because Jed had completed his chemo. I first learned of this blog after my son was checking the time for Jed's service. What a powerful story about Jed, Savannah, Dan and you and the rest of the family. I have learned so much from you and your family's strength, compassion and love and I believe it will make me a better person. After hosting two canning trips it all makes sense to me now why those guys and gals of Acacia & Gamma Phi are so dedicated to THON.
FTK.
You are a wonderful mother! know that in your heart and allow yourself to grieve. Jed is watching over you and will give you strength when you need it the most. He will wrap his loving arms around you and will help you get through the dark times. He is with you always.
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