I just keep pretending he is asleep upstairs. Kinda works...not really. Tried to watch some videos I have of him...huge mistake. My chest actually hurts, I can't cry but the videos were like someone was just ripping out my heart. This is so unreal...it just cannot be true. Have you seen his pictures? How can that boy not be here anymore? Who is going to laugh at me, laugh with me, sing in the car with me, find stuff in my pocketbook for me... go EVERYWHERE with me...notice how it's all about me? Sorry, can't help it. Danny has been in bed all day today. I feel horrible but I really have nothing to offer right now. All his family and friends are in CA...he only has us and Jed was his best friend. Poor guy. One minute I am almost ok, the next I just sit and stare and have no desire to do anything, even take a drink, then all of a sudden I want throw things...but that takes more energy than I have.
My mom unwrapped all his Christmas gifts last night. If I had thought I would have found someone to take care of all of that..I feel bad. They really are doing more than they should be doing with all of this. I have no clue as to how to fix that.
I was given advice from someone in the know today..about work. The suggestion was I might want to be back at work by Feb 1st because our new contract takes effect on Feb 2nd. SOOO that adds to the fun. I know it would be stupid to quit my job..as I have no education or skills....which are essential for employment..or at least employment that can pay the mortgage but I really just want to go somewhere sunny and drink a lot..for a long time. Lottery?? Actually even the process of getting to somewhere sunny feels like too much. Besides I think I would feel guilty soaking up the sun. We all need to be soaking up the sun. Is life really just supposed to keep going like normal? The problem with that is now my "normal" is not possible. So I have to go find a new "normal"...I am supposed to have energy or desire to do that? good god.
I never, ever thought I would miss going to clinic and the hospital and giving out meds and worrying about fevers..but I do..and if I am doing that that means Jed is here...I want Jed here.
Hope to see you all Saturday. Also hope you all will join us at The Great American Saloon after the service.
Love J & K
6 comments:
Kristin, I can't stop thinking of you and your family, can't imagine your pain, and of course I wish there was a way I could make the pain go away...... All I can offer is my love and support, I know I'm all the way across the state but I am thinking of you guys non-stop and sending positive thoughts your way. Sara Liberte
I am a student at Penn State and am involved in THON. When I heard the news my heart stopped. I lost my son in Aug when he was 10 days old and even though its been 5 months it still gets to me. I do the same thing by looking at pictures and the videos I have of him. It helps but then also makes it worse. You have to hold onto the good memories, the ones that make you laugh. If you ever need anything feel free to email me... dam5066@psu.edu at anytime. I know sometimes just having someone to get everything out with helped.
God Bless... Desirae Mills
Kristin
Maybe it's too soon, but have you thought about getting your blog and writings published? They are very captivating and well written. thinking of you constantly.
Robin
There are no words. I came home from grad school for the holidays to find out that Jed wasn't doing well and my heart broke. I have had very few opportunities at LP to talk with Jed, but I remember every one of them. My love for Savannah and Doyle as I have come to know them at Lion's Pride instills even more respect and love for you, Kristen and Jed, who I did not have the opportunity to spend as much time with. I can honestly say I feel like I know both of you through Savannah's stories and pictures.
My heart goes out to you and your family.
Love,
Erin Scott
(Former LP Manager)
Hugs, Kristin.
I will see you Saturday.
-Michele
I just can't imagine your pain, always remember those good memories.
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