So today is Wednesday....I thought yesterday was Wednesday but nope that was Tuesday...didn't recognize it without a trip to a Dr office. So of course when I realized it was Wednesday I got to go over the events of four weeks ago today...for the second day in a row. The day I was given the news that would devastate many lives and change the lives of even more. I relive that hallway conversation over and over wondering if I missed something, maybe there was a decision I could have made differently. Maybe I was too hasty..maybe I quit too soon. Then I remember the pain Jed was in, I remember his eyes..and many many more things that I do not want to remember anymore. I need those things to fade. I can't go back and make different decisions even if I think I missed a good one. Too late..no going back...it's just too late.
Today was hard. I tried telling myself the things I repeat over and over. The things I have been writing about the last few days. The way Jed would want me to act and how I know he had to go..blah blah blah. It meant nothing today. Those beliefs just were not enough to eclipse the pain of missing Jed. Today was hard. My mind was stuck on all the things I will not have. All the things that are gone and how my future is so drastically altered. I feel like my future is floating away somewhere in the dark. It is very weird to look ahead and realize ALL the things you thought you would be doing are gone. The fundamental, basic, everyday things that come with raising a school age child....gone. Then there is the absence of Jed himself, his little smart mouth comments and his giggle and his smile and how he made everything so much better and brighter. Gone, gone and gone.
Ok, so my job is still there..whoohoo....I know I should be grateful....I'm not. Sorry, just truth here. I don't care. I know I have to pay the mortgage and all the crap that comes with life and I have a job when many others don't but many others have their sons and I don't so I just do not care about work and the drama happening there. I am so tired..which is weird and makes me feel bad & lazy. All I really do is hang out in bed. If I had had to go to work today I don't know how I would have even gotten up to get dressed much less gone in there. I guess I don't have to really worry about that until my leave is up in early March. Then not only do I have to go back to work I have to navigate the mind field of paperwork and requirements they have now. They have so many new policies but no one seems to actually agree on what they are. Maybe they will have it all figured out by March. But anyway what I was getting to was how do I work like this? I know I have to but I have no idea how I will. Guess I will find out. I better get myself together by March. HAHAHA, everything has gotten worse in the last four weeks and I do not see how they could do anything but the same through the next four weeks. I am supposed to keep living this? Oh my. Yesterday wasn't too bad,,,well compared to today. The days when I can get up and shower and put the laundry in, when I can do that does it mean that I miss Jed less, am I dealing better, feeling better? I think it might look that way to others but it doesn't feel that way. I am just more numb on those days...I can pretend better.. it only lasts for a little bit, it takes a lot of work.
I did leave the house this evening for about an hour. Danny and Savannah and I went to chipotle grill for burritos....they weigh as much as my head. Savannah and I brought half of ours home..Danny can eat them tomorrow. I was safe there because Jed was NOT a fan of Mexican food!
Tomorrow I am going to see my Grandmother. I am embarrassed to say that I have not seen her yet. I should have and I am sorry. She did not come to the service because it is very hard for her to get around. She has Parkinson's and has had a few strokes. She lives in an apartment at my Uncle's. SOOO, I am headed there tomorrow after breakfast with dad. I know, I know should have gone earlier. Poor Gram. In a perfect world she would have taught Jed to cook...but we know....nothing perfect about this world.
After reading this over....The depth of how self absorbed I am amazes me! I will work on that. Danny is feeling better...still sore but getting better and trying very hard to help me. Savannah is working hard, school, THON, work and the Bone Marrow Drive is Friday. She needs a blackberry or some kind of PDA to keep track of her schedule. I'll have to work on that....at some point.
So tomorrow I actually have to get up and get out of bed....oh god. I am exhausted just thinking about it.
Good night Baby Jed.
Love J & K